


Time Changes Everything and Nothing

by theyalldeservedbetter



Series: Time changes everything and nothing [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lexa/Raven/Octavia roommates, it's kind of dark, more tags will be added as things come up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:31:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 150,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6945835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyalldeservedbetter/pseuds/theyalldeservedbetter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life has a knack for throwing curve balls every now and then.  Clarke's life has been a series of curve balls and hits below the belt, but will she be able to move past it all and allow Lexa back into her life?  Should she?</p><p>Summaries really aren't my thing so I apologize for whatever that is, but I promise you the actual story is a lot better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Four Years Later

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello! I'm very much new to writing, so I would like to apologize now for any mistakes/inconsistencies. It might be a little confusing in the beginning but I promise everything will be explained soon. Also! I am currently studying pre-medical, my sister is in her fourth year of medical school, and my mom is a nurse. Almost all of the medical information in this story will be accurate, however recovery timelines may be adjusted because this is a work of fiction, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will literally just set the basis for where this story is going to go. There is a lot left to cover and so much to be explained still. Please keep in mind that, when I say there is angst in this story, I really mean it. It's not necessarily going to be a pretty ride, and we'll see where our lovely ladies end up. I hope you enjoy!

Clarke was walking on her own, behind the buildings, trying to get to the parking lot as fast as possible.  It was pitch black outside and she had to get to her car.  There was no real rush, she didn’t have anywhere to go – she’d been alone for the last 5 years anyways.  Walking around campus in the dead of night by herself wasn’t necessarily her idea of a good time either, though.  As she walked, she heard the sound of scuffling and, before she could stop herself, she swerved to investigate.

As she got closer to where the sounds were coming from, she saw three very large guys huddled together and she could just barely make out two smaller figures on the other side of them.  Realizing what was happening, Clarke threw her bag off her shoulders and started running.  As she ran she yelled out, “Hey! Get your bloody hands off them!”

Hearing her yells, the three guys turned around.  As their attention was diverted, the two girls on the other side of them were able to back away.  However, one of them had a leg brace (she recognized them as Octavia from her behavioral neuroanatomy class and Octavia’s friend Raven) and fell before she was able to get too far away.  The taller brunette, Octavia, immediately crouched down in front of her in what could only be seen as a protective stance.

“Back off, bitch.  This is none of your fucking business,” Aaron, the bulkiest of the three guys, yelled at her.  If he thought he was scary, he was sadly mistaken.

“Actually, asshole, it is my business if you’re being a douchecock to two girls who want nothing to do with you.”  The snark in her voice was enough to add fire to the their anger, and they all started stalking menacingly towards her.  Good – she needed them to focus on her so Octavia could get Raven the hell away from what was about to happen.

“Oh yea? You little shit, how do you know they don’t want us?”

“Oh please,” Clarke rolled her eyes, “I know you guys are pathetic, but I didn’t think you’re that fucking stupid.  Literally no one could look at these girls and think they would ever have anything to do with you.  I mean, look at them.  They’re fucking gorgeous and actually good people.  And besides, everyone deserves a shit ton better than you could ever offer.”  The judgmental scanning of her eyes up and down all of them was enough to set them all off.

All three guys charged her, obviously intent on breaking her into an unrecognizable mess of pain and blood.  Subconsciously, she recognized their charging cry as the cry of the college football team and knew she would be in a tough position now.  What none of them knew about Clarke, though, was that she had grown up with a lot worse than anything these three shitheads could ever throw her way.

As they ran at her, she was only able to swipe to one side, moving right into the path of one of the boys.  Clarke turned and raised her knee with enough power and force that he doubled over and keened.  Realizing that they’ve all probably taken worse hits than this before on the football field, Clarke knew she would have to work harder than she had initially thought. 

The other two guys ran back at her and started throwing punches wildly.  One of the beautiful things about this was that, even though they were at least twice her size and could take hits like nothing else, none of them had any fighting technique.  They knew tackles and that was it.  Clarke had been studying Krav Maga, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and kickboxing for six years.  She could take their hits like nothing else. 

Her big mistake, though, was that she took her eye off the third guy to focus on the two throwing the punches.  While her focus was directed elsewhere the brawny blonde boy who she had winded earlier, Chris, had grabbed her book-bag and swung it at her back.  She wasn’t able to dodge it in time and she was immediately knocked to the ground. 

She felt herself being hauled up from under her arms and placed in a headlock.  From this position they were able to beat into her without reserve.  They started throwing punches at her midsection and were generous with their kicks. 

She had managed to sneak a glance at the two girls on the side and realized that something had happened to Raven’s brace.  For some reason this was enough to get her blood really boiling again.  As the little brunette man, Roger, made to kick her again, Clarke hooked her arms around the neck of the guy holding her and hoisted herself into the air.  As Roger tried to kick her, she kicked him in the groin while it was exposed.  Kickboxing has its perks and the kick (without his football cup) was enough to get him down for a while.  His blonde partner snarled at her and just when he went for another punch she spat the mouthful of blood in his face and he faltered.  The punch didn’t land as he had likely wanted it to, but she knew that at least two of her ribs were definitely fractured at that point if they hadn’t been already. 

The blood hadn’t been enough to take him out, obviously, but she definitely knew that being spat on was a great way to irritate the fragile male ego.  As expected, he got more and more wild with his hits and she smiled through the pain, knowing that with a couple more hits he would tire out.  You see, the rush of adrenaline that comes with insulted rage wears off really quickly.  As he made to kick her one more time, Clarke pulled herself up again and hooked her legs around his raised one.  Pulling her legs down, the football player was pulled off balance as well and all three of them tumbled to the ground.

The awkward positioning of her arms as they fell caused her shoulder to make a sickening cracking sound.  Clarke knew immediately that it was dislocated, but there was no need to advertise it.  Ignoring the awkward way it hung to her side, she raised her foot and kicked Aaron on the side of the head.  She didn’t want to cause too much damage, but she needed all three of them unconscious before she tried to leave.  Chris had smashed his head on the concrete when he fell and that had been enough to send him to the land of dreams.  Apparently these guys weren’t too big and bad without all of their protective gear.

Gaining her balance slightly, she looked over to where the two girls were on the floor.  They were fixing Raven’s leg brace back on and checking the movement.  As she was about to walk towards them to see if they needed any help she heard a voice in the distance calling for both of them. 

She turned and saw a figure in the dark running towards the group.  Before she had a chance to even think about anything she heard Octavia mumble to Raven, “Here comes Lexa, missing all the fun as usual.”  Raven’s resulting chuckle was enough to get her into motion. 

Realizing exactly who was coming towards them Clarke mumbled a quiet, “Son of a fuck” under her breath.  After everything that had happened between herself and the brunette running towards then she wasn't prepared to run into her like this.  She went to grab her bag before walking in the opposite direction.  It took her longer than she would’ve liked to bend over, though, and before she even reached it a hand reached down and grabbed the bag for her.  She looked up and locked eyes with Octavia.

Having seen Octavia around with her group for many years she knew that the glare on her face had just claimed permanent residence, but she couldn’t help but feel like she had done something wrong.  She mumbled a quiet thanks before grabbing the bag in her only good arm and hauling it onto her shoulder.  She couldn’t suppress the wince that made its way onto her face and she knew that she would be feeling these injuries for weeks to come.  Clarke turned away and started walking when a voice stopped her.

“Hey where the fuck do you think you’re going?!”

Clarke turned around to see Raven standing up and looking intently at her.  She didn’t answer for a second, but it soon became obvious that Raven definitely expected her to.  She looked to Octavia quickly and saw that she was looking at her as well.  In the distance, Lexa was getting closer.  She just looked back at Raven and said, “Home.”  As she said it, she realized that it came out sounding more like a confused question than anything. 

A voice stopped her as she was trying to walk away again.  This time she could definitely tell that Octavia was irritated, “Wait you don’t get to pull shit like that and then just _walk away_.”

With a sigh and refusing to turn around completely she just said, “Ma’am I apologize, really I do, but I’m very tired at this point and I would like to just leave.”  At this point, Lexa was close enough to hear what was going on and see everyone’s state of being. 

She couldn’t stop the slight smirk that crossed her face as the newcomer stuttered a confused, “What the fuck happened?”  Knowing no one could see her face, she allowed it. As far as Clarke knew, Lexa had no idea that she was in town.  She wasn’t ready for her to find out and she certainly wasn’t in any shape to deal with whatever would happen if the green-eyed brunette did see her. She also figured that the two girls would explain whatever happened to the confused brunette so she decided to start walking again. 

That wasn’t going to really work, though.  She heard a voice from behind her call out, “Apparently _Wonder Woman_ over there thinks that the cripple can't stand up for herself.”  She immediately recognized the accusatory tone coming from Raven and took a deep breath, steeling herself before turning around.

“Look, I apologize if I insulted or offended either of you.  Obviously, I wasn’t trying to hurt you, but I didn’t want them to either.”  Speaking over whatever protest they were about to start she said, “Ms. Reyes your brace was obviously messed up and Ms. Blake would’ve been the only one who could help you at that point.  You’re not a cripple, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need help sometimes.”  Hoping to lighten the mood a little before leaving she said, “Besides, I don’t think these three would’ve survived all three of us at once.” She nodded once at all three of them and started walking away again.  And again she was stopped.  But this time, she was stopped by a voice she wasn’t expecting; a voice she was not prepared to hear. 

Lexa called out after her retreating form, “Wait!”  She didn’t turn around, but she heard the older brunette running after her a little.  Lexa reached out for her arm and turned her around.  Her green eyes were wide, staring at her face with a gaping mouth.  Clarke could see the pain swirling in green eyes and felt tears start to fill her own.  Their breath caught in both of their throats, neither of them prepared for the feeling of their eyes meeting again.  It had been four years since they had had any contact whatsoever and the instant green eyes met blue, it was like they were back in that time – like the last four years hadn’t happened.

Lexa couldn't believe her eyes.  She hadn't seen the figure in front of her in years but for her dreams.  She couldn't bring herself to believe that she was actually standing there, in front of her, alive.  Her hand seemed to rise of its own volition, reaching for her face and cupping her cheek gently.  Feeling her skin, so soft and warm, a lone tear made its way over the cusp of her eyelid and down her cheek.

Everything that had happened between them four years ago started flooding back into Clarke’s mind.  Every argument, every loving touch, every fight, every gentle word, everything that had gone wrong.  Clarke shook her head to bring herself out of the daze, but the movement caused her vision to start swimming.  Lexa, of course, noticed it and said, “Please.  You’re obviously in poor shape and we at least owe you a thanks.”  The scoffs coming from the other two girls seemed to contradict what she had just said, but she didn’t back down.

The mysterious girl had nothing to say to the brunette holding her arm; she was just glad it wasn’t the arm with the dislocated shoulder.  Realizing that Lexa wasn’t going to let go of her, she locked eyes with the girl.  She had been avoiding the girl for a long time and was absolutely not prepared for whatever this situation was.  Clarke saw the two girls still glowering at her from over their friend’s shoulder and decided that it wasn’t worth it.  She slowly steeled herself and tugged her arm out of the older girl’s grip.  “Look, you have nothing to thank me for.  I intruded somewhere I didn’t belong and it was wrong.”  She locked eyes with the two who were looking slightly less pissed off and said, “It won’t happen again, and I’m sorry.”  She tried walking away with that.

For the life of her she couldn’t figure out why Lexa wouldn’t just let her walk away.  They hadn’t talked in years and there was no need for her to try and show gratitude now for nothing.  But here she was, stopping again for the fourth time when Lexa called out after her, “Look at you! You’re a wreck.  Obviously you’re hurt and you’re in no shape to go anywhere.”  This time she grabbed her arm and actually turned her around to face her, “You’re a fucking medical student.  You should know that your injuries are putting you in a very bad position because, just from what I can see, those three guys really fucked you up.”

Clarke ripped her arm out of her grip and it took everything she had not to groan at the pain that radiated through her body with that jerking motion.  If this was how Lexa was going to play, though, then she would have to deal with the response. “Yea, actually, I know exactly what happened to my body,” she practically spat the words in the brunette’s face, “From tonight I have a bruised cheekbone, at least two bruised ribs, probably two fractured ribs, a bruised eye socket, a dislocated shoulder, and probably a broken nose.  Don’t worry, though, I’ve had worse.”  She couldn’t hold back the sneer that came with her last statement. 

Tired of the push and pull of walking away and being stopped she looked from the brunette in front of her who looked like she had been smacked to the two in the back who now looked at the floor guiltily.  As much as she felt bad for hurting all of them like this, Clarke couldn’t hold back the bite from her words when she asked, “Can I finally leave now? Or does anyone else have any accusations for me?”

Before she had a chance to turn around this time, Raven stepped forward and said, “Look I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to basically call you an asshole.  I’m just not used to being the ‘damsel in distress’.”  She shrugged and held a hand out to the blonde stranger, “Thank you.” 

Clarke couldn’t help the way her face softened a little when the braced brunette ended her statement sounding like a question.  Since her right arm was currently in no shape to be moved she faltered a little before trying to move the bag up her left arm a little.  The jerking motion caused her right arm to move from where she had kept it and Clarke couldn’t help the slight groan of pain that came out of her mouth or the way her face scrunched up.  Before she was able to do anything about it, though, Octavia was right next to her taking the bag off her shoulder and Raven was trying to help her keep her other arm mobilized. 

She realized at that point that she really had no option but to stay with these girls a little longer.  Raven’s and Octavia’s proximity she could handle.  As long as Lexa stayed relatively away from her it could work out.  The group of the four of them stepped around the unconscious boys on the floor and she couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at the fact that no matter how big they thought they were, she still kicked their ass.  She just hoped they would think twice before going after other girls and not be even more spiteful.

Raven looked down at the three bodies around them and smirked, “You know what, that was pretty damn impressive.  I probably wouldn’t have been able to take out all three of them by myself even if I had both legs.” 

Clarke took that as some sort of acceptance.

Octavia followed up with some more joking, “I’m sorry I didn’t try to help.  This one really likes to make a big fuss if attention isn’t on her at all times, though, so really I did us all a favor.”  Raven scoffed and reached over to punch the more athletic brunette, who just stuck her tongue out and laughed at her. 

She couldn’t help the small smile that graced her face at their antics.  They really acted like sisters more than anything and it was refreshing to see people interact like that again.  She hadn’t had that close of a relationship with anyone since – well since her relationship with the girl behind them ended.  She tried to ignore her presence, but it was proving to be more difficult than she would’ve liked. 

Looking away from the girls all around her, Clarke realized that they were going the opposite direction of where she was initially headed.  Turning to the two girls currently guiding her she said, “Ms. Reyes, Ms. Blake, I’m sorry but I’m parked in the parking structure at Downey and McClintock.”

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Raven tore away from her and they all stopped abruptly.  “What the hell is this “Miss” thing?”

“Yea for real!” Octavia exclaimed, “We’re literally, like, the same age.”

She realized she had made a mistake and immediately went to apologize, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend.  I know you’re not that much older than me, I just didn’t know if you would be okay with me using your names considering we’ve never really talked before.”  Her eyes remained downcast so she missed the look the two brunettes exchanged with Lexa. 

Octavia looked back first and said, “Look, yo, we didn’t mean to freak out.  I’m just not used to being called ‘Miss’ anything.  How about we stick with Octavia, Raven, and Lexa?”

She finally looked up and her eyes locked with the green ones she had been hoping to avoid.  They all heard her say, “Lexa”, as if testing the way it sounded.  She gave a very brief nod and then went back to looking away. 

That seemed to be enough to get the previously silent brunette in motion.  Lexa stepped in front of the injured girl and gently lifted her head.  She made sure they made eye contact and recognized the pain swirling in their depths.  With a gentle voice she explained that they would be taking her home with them so that they would be able to take care of her injuries. 

The steel fell in front of her eyes again and she could see the self-preservation written across her features.  “I appreciate your concern, Ms. Woods, but I can assure you it’s unnecessary.  As you pointed out earlier I am a medical student and can take care of myself.  I’m sure Ms. Bla – Octavia and Raven have more important things to do than deal with me anyways.  Pity cases are always an inconvenience, aren’t they?”

The last comment was obviously laden with an underhanded attack and Raven and Octavia shared confused looks.  It seemed like there was some sort of serious history between this girl that had saved their asses and their best friend.  As they tried to figure out if Lexa had ever said anything about her they realized they didn’t even know her name, which was a little embarrassing because she seemed to know them. 

Raven decided to take the first step and ask, “Hey what’s your name?”

The girl chuckled slightly, “Clarke.  Clarke Griffin.”  Everyone turned to look at Lexa when she sucked in a sharp breath.  The small smile fell off Clarke’s face.

Octavia yelped, "Hey! You were in my behavioral neuroanatomy class!"  She turned to Raven and Lexa and said, "This girl is basically a genius.  She could've taught the class if the teacher would let her.  She would have been much better to listen to and look at, that's for sure." 

Clarke tried to offer her a smile, but it probably came across as more of a grimace.  Before she could start walking away again Octavia stopped her.  “Look, I don’t know what your issue is with getting help, but please let us help you.  We’re sorry we were being bitches earlier about you stepping in and we want to say thank you somehow.”  Seeing that she was about to say something she smiled softly and held up a hand to stop her, “I’m sure we don’t _need_ to pay you back, but we would really like to.”

Raven stepped in at this point, “Yea for real.  Who knows what those guys would have done if you hadn’t shown up when you did.  And look at what happened to you because of it.”

Clarke could tell that they were starting to feel guilty and she didn’t like it.  “Please don’t feel bad.  I would have stepped in no matter who it was.  They had no right to come after you like that.  I know you could’ve stood up for yourself but I didn’t want you to have to.”  Her shoulders deflated some and her head bowed down a little as well before she said, “If it helps you feel better at all I can let you guys help me out.  But please, don’t think it’s necessary.”

They didn’t seem to hear the last part because Raven and Octavia both squealed excitedly before starting to rush forward.

Lexa seemed to be the only one to realize that the running would hurt Clarke and she called out to her two best friends, “Guys come on! She’s not coming to hang out.  She probably can’t run that fast just yet.”

They both halted to a stop immediately, looking guilty again.  Clarke couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at them.  Assuring them both that she was fine, they started walking forward again, at a slower pace this time. 

As they were walking towards the parking lot, the two brunettes asked the younger girl questions about her work.  They didn’t expect her to be a medical intern because she looked so small, but apparently looks can be deceiving.  She talked about work and different things she had seen.  They asked about how she learned to fight like she did and she gave as vague an answer as possible.  “I’ve been doing Krav Maga, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and kickboxing for a few years.” 

They reached the parking lot, finally, and started walking towards the car.  Really, it was Lexa’s car, but they all lived in the same apartment so they usually shared a car and it was usually hers.  They heard Clarke’s sharp intake of breath seeing the black Audi A4 and just looked at her.  She had eyes for no one but the owner of the car, though. 

She couldn’t believe it.  She never expected to see this car.  Especially with that license plate: TRIKRU.  Out of all of the potential license plates out there that was the one she decided on.  They had always talked about getting this car when they were older; when they finally got a house together and their jobs were set and their lives were moving forward together.

She turned slightly to the girl trailing behind them, “Nice car.”

Lexa looked down and toyed with her keys.  She never expected the blonde in front of her to see the car.  She mumbled a thanks and got into the driver’s seat.  She waited for Raven to get in the passenger seat (it had enough room for her brace) and Octavia helped Clarke get in the back seat.  When everyone was seated, she started the car and left for the short drive to their apartment. 

Octavia and Raven had so many questions, but the tension in the car was palpable and neither of them wanted to say anything.  They were getting so curious.  They were certain that Lexa had never mentioned a “Clarke” to them before, but no one could deny that it seemed like they had a history. 

They got to the apartment and Lexa got out to help Raven while Octavia helped Clarke out.  It seemed that the way she was seated in the car added to the discomfort set in her body, and she berated herself.  She knew that everything would get worse if she sat down, she shouldn’t have let them drive her anywhere.  She knew what she was supposed to be doing, but she was letting her heart fuck everything up.  Again. 

They walked from the parking garage to the building and made it to the elevator.  Raven couldn’t take the stairs and it seemed like Clarke wouldn’t be able to walk up five flights at this point either.  As they stood waiting for the elevator, though, Lexa looked over at the blonde cradling her right arm and said, “Is the pressure from going up going to be okay for your ribs?”

She didn’t move her head to acknowledge that she heard the other brunette, she merely said, “It’s fine.  I’m fine.”  She knew that it wasn’t convincing, but she didn’t care.  She just wanted to be done here so she could leave.

Getting in the elevator she braced herself, knowing this would be painful.  The quick jerk of the metal box and the change in elevation put an uncomfortable amount of pressure on her sensitive ribs and left an unpleasant sensation in her shoulder.  She realized that if she didn’t get that back in place soon she could have permanent damage.  Maybe she would have to ask one of these girls for help after all. 

They stood in the elevator silently.  Raven couldn’t help but think about the girl next to them.  The elevator was uncomfortable for her with the brace, she couldn’t imagine what it felt like with the kind of injuries she had.  She couldn’t help her grimace when they all heard the slight groan that escaped the otherwise silent girl’s mouth that she so obviously tried to hold back. 

They reached their level and stepped out of the elevator.  There were two people waiting when they stepped out and they heard them gasp at seeing the girl with them.  Looking back at her, all three brunettes realized that she looked absolutely horrible in the light.  Her face was covered in blood all the way to the base of her neck and onto her collar; one of her eyes was nearly swollen shut with blood pouring out of a cut at her eyebrow, her nose had blood pouring out, her lip was split with blood pouring out – it just didn’t look like there was any part of her face without blood pouring out.  Her shirt was torn and her pants were a mess.  Not to mention her arm was hanging at an ungodly angle.  How she was still conscious none of them could understand. 

The four girls made their way from the elevator to their apartment and set their bags all right inside the door.  As the three residents of the apartment moved further into the area, Clarke just kind of stood in the doorway.  She had no idea what she was supposed to do or where she was supposed to go.  She saw Raven sit down on the couch and start pulling off the brace.  Octavia was rummaging around the freezer, and Lexa went straight to a cabinet and began rifling through things there.  She remained planted at the door awkwardly.

Raven noticed the girl standing uncomfortably in the doorway and sighed.  She hadn’t experienced anyone like this since she met Octavia seven years ago.  Octavia’s story had been pretty miserable, but she wasn’t in as sad a place as Clarke seemed to be in.  Raven was scared to think of what the medical intern must have gone through to be this guarded.

She called out to the girl standing in the doorway, “Hey kid why don’t you come sit here.”  As the young blonde looked at her confusedly, she smiled what she hoped was a friendly smile and patted the spot next to her.  She slowly made her way over and Raven could see the pain in her shoulder.  She yelled into the kitchen, “Hey, O, get a heating pad too, please!”  She nodded to herself at the confirmation she heard.

Clarke walked over to the sofa but didn’t sit.  She stood by Raven and kind of looked at her.  She wasn’t entirely too sure what to do, but she knew that sitting down without fixing her arm could cause even more damage to both the arm and her ribs. 

Neither of them said anything for a few seconds until Raven started getting uncomfortable with the silence, “C’mon kid.  Take a seat.  Relax.  Calm down.  No one’s going to attack you here.”  She didn’t miss the way the younger girl’s eyes darted into the kitchen and she just got so much more curious about her history with their best friend. 

Before she had a chance to say anything else, though, the girl said, “Ma’am you pointed out earlier that we’re about the same age.  Why are you calling me ‘kid’?”

“Well you’re still calling me ‘Ma’am’, aren’t you?” she shot back.  “Besides, you’re still younger than us even if it’s just by a little bit.”  She looked at the girl in mock scrutiny, “What are you, anyways?  15? 17?”

Clarke couldn’t help the slight chuckle that escaped her at that.  She knew that the older girl was poking fun at how young she looked, but it had been so long since she’d joked with anybody she couldn’t help how nice it felt.  “I’m actually 23, ma’am.” 

“Aha! See, you’re two years younger than me.  Therefore, I can call you kid.”  She paused for a second.  “But I’m only two years older than you, meaning you need to drop the ‘ma’am’ stat.  Octavia, on the other hand, is a year younger than you so definitely drop the ‘ma’am’ there.”

The younger girl acquiesced with a grin just as the two others were walking in from the kitchen.  Octavia walked right over to them with the heating pads, handing one to Raven, who placed it on her leg and released an extremely inappropriate sounding moan, and tried to hand the other one to her.  Clarke politely declined, stating that she needed to get her shoulder back in place before she put anything on it.  She looked around slightly, trying to figure out if she could ask anyone for help in relocating her shoulder, knowing it would be damn painful to do by herself because of her ribs. 

Before she was able to say anything, Lexa put down the box in her hands and stepped forward.  Without thinking, she reached out to grab her arm to help her but stopped when the arm was jerked away from her.  She looked up, immediately locking eyes with the blue ones in front of her, swimming with pain and tears desperately being held back. “Please,” she whispered, “don’t.”  She felt her own green eyes fill up and nodded slightly.  Dropping her arms awkwardly, she backed up and picked up the first aid kit she had put down.  She turned away from the three girls standing around her and took a seat on the sofa, avoiding eye-contact with her roommates.

Octavia and Raven exchanged worried glances at this interaction.  Obviously something was very wrong with these two girls, because their roommate never cried.  Some shit must have really gone down here. 

Octavia put her heating pad down and reached forward gently.  “Hey can I help you out?  I know fixing a dislocated shoulder alone can be a bitch.”  She hoped that allowing the girl to see that Octavia had been in this situation before would help her open up.

Clarke looked back and studied the face in front of her.  She saw no judgment in her eyes; if anything, they looked even softer than before.  Slowly, she nodded her head, avoiding looking at anyone else.  She felt her hand grasp her shoulder and the other one held her firmly at the elbow.  She couldn’t help it; she tensed. 

Octavia felt the girl tense up as soon as she touched her.  It was like the girl was going to bolt away as fast as she could and she didn’t care if she ripped her arm out in the process.  She tried to give the girl as reassuring of a smile as she could and calm her down.  She, too, knew the pain of fixing broken bones alone, and it always hurt like a motherfucker.  If she could get the girl to just chill a little bit, it would all be easier. 

Raven watched the silent interaction between her best friend and the stranger in their living room.  It was a very tense moment and she didn’t really know what she would be able to do to help.  She watched as the younger girl released some of the tension in her body and allowed Octavia to get a firmer grip on her arm.  She heard her best friend warn the other girl that it would hurt and then she pulled the arm.

The loud cracking sound was enough to make her gag, knowing that that had to have hurt like a bitch at the very least.  She was beyond impressed when the girl didn’t scream, though.  In fact, she just groaned.  She groaned and her face was contorted into a grimace and that was it.  There were no tears, there was no screaming, no yell of pain.  A single, short groan, and a grimace.  Raven had no idea what to think about it. 

Lexa watched the two in front of her, but she had to look away when she heard the sound of Clarke’s arm popping back into place.  She had been in that position with the other girl too many times in the past, and the memories that the sound brought up were anything but pleasant.  She noticed that the girl was damn near silent this time, so that was either an improvement or even more heartbreaking than it should’ve been.

Everyone waited silently for the mysterious girl in the middle of the room to recover.  No one really moved or said anything, just waited for her to react to her arm being put back in place.  None of them were really shocked by what she did say when she opened her mouth.

“Thank you for your help, ma’am.  Now I’ll get out of your guys’ hair and let you get to what you need to do.”  She tried reaching for her bag to leave the apartment but was stopped when both people on the sofa tried to get up.  Lexa actually managed to meet Octavia and stop her from moving forward while Raven was stuck struggling to pull herself up.  Because she was behind her, though, she was able to grab her good hand. 

Raven had no idea why she didn’t go after the girl with her usual sarcasm and cynicism, but she just couldn’t continue to be an asshole to this girl.  She had definitely already had a hard enough night, there was no need for her to add to that.  “Please.  Don’t go yet.”

Clarke turned around to look at the brunette standing behind her.  She saw everything hiding in the depths of her brown eyes and knew she wouldn’t be able to deny her this.  She was a sucker for eyes, dammit.

Raven saw the girl nod a little and then she actually led her back to the sofa.  As she went to sit down again she couldn’t help but moan at the pressure that left her leg.  And, of course, she had to give the smug smirk when Octavia laughed at her.  Lexa and Clarke were still being weird about everything, but maybe some comedy would help. 

Clarke sighed to herself.  It’s not that she had a problem with these two girls.  If it were any other situation she would probably be happy to stay with them and maybe actually get friendly. The quiet brunette sitting on the sofa next to them changed things though.  She hadn’t seen the green-eyed girl since she was 20 and neither of them could say with complete certainty that it was an amicable split.  Clarke had completely disappeared from Lexa’s life and they had had absolutely no direct interaction.  Even four years later this was harder than either of them would like to admit.

Raven and Octavia were the first two to sit down and they immediately set to talking.  Raven went on about the pain in her leg and Octavia took her turn making fun of her.  Lexa and Clarke sat quietly, comfortable watching the two best friends banter.  Lexa would jump in from time to time and they were having a pretty good time. 

Eventually they noticed that their mystery guest hadn’t said anything yet, so they started baiting her into the conversation.  Octavia liked using her to gang up on Raven, and Raven liked using her as backup against Octavia.  It didn’t take them long to figure out that something seemed to be wrong, though.

Clarke sat for a while, content in watching the two friends bicker.  After a while, though, she could no longer ignore the pain radiating through her entire body, especially in her skull.  She knew sitting down without her inhaler would be a problem and she was starting to wish she had pushed to leave.  Clarke tried to participate in the joking when they started paying more attention to her but she realized that she didn’t pull off comfortable as much as she would have liked.  Not too long after getting pulled into the bickering, Octavia asked if she wanted water.  Hoping it would help her gain some more focus she accepted.  The sneaky brunette volunteered Lexa to get it for her, though, and that’s where the problems arose.

There wasn’t much she had problems with.  The blonde had grown up having to adapt to different things and taking what she could get.  One thing she couldn’t handle, though, was asking people to do things for her.  As the green eyed girl sitting next to her stood up to get the water she shot up behind her.  The last thing she wanted was Lexa Woods doing her favors.  Running into the kitchen behind the older brunette she realized this might be one of her biggest flaws; her body sure as hell was not ready to be jumping and running.

Raven and Octavia watched their guest run after their best friend into the kitchen, presumably to battle about the water.  They smirked at each other, thinking that this might actually make the two interact and cut through the ever-increasing tension between them.  Their attention was demanded when they heard a crash and yell from the other room, though.

Lexa sensed the younger girl behind her almost as soon as she took off.  She would’ve given anything to be able to leave that room and not have to sit next to this girl that she hadn’t seen in almost half a decade, but it seemed that wasn’t how things were going to play out.  Clarke came behind her, saying she could get the water herself and apologizing for making her get up.  Before she could stop herself she turned around, “I’m not incapable of getting you water.  Getting a cup isn’t inconvenient, it’s literally just doing a favor.”  Seeing her face fall slightly, she sighed.  She’d fucked up again.  “You don’t need to keep apologizing for nothing.” 

The weight behind those words was too much and she couldn’t stay up anymore.  As the black spots swam in front of her eyes she really regretted getting up from the sofa so fast and she reached out to grab the counter, knocking the cup of water over in the process.  She wasn’t able to stay up even with the support of the counter and felt herself hit something before losing sight of everything.

Lexa watched the girl pale and sway while grabbing for the glass of water she held out to her.  Growing slightly worried she took a step closer to the girl in front of her and noticed her usually piercing blue eyes were hazed over and she didn’t seem to be looking at anything.  Reaching out to grab her arm and steady her she stopped when the arm reached out and grabbed the counter.  Before Lexa could react or even say anything, Clarke was falling.

Her hands shot out to grab the girl as she fell, hoping to help her avoid falling onto the cup of water.  She was vaguely aware of Octavia running into the kitchen and Raven calling from the sofa, but she was primarily focused on the unconscious girl in front of her.  Helping her to the floor and sitting her in her lap she finally got a good, close-up look at her face.  The blood caked on her face was now joined by fresh blood coming from almost all of the cuts on her face.  The swelling around her eye was more than slightly disturbing and the coloring was definitely going to be a nightmare for days to come. 

Knowing that there were more injuries she slowly raised the girl’s shirt and couldn’t hold back her gasp.  She could hear Octavia swear above her and was now aware of the fact that Raven had made her way over to them as well.  She was preoccupied, though, by the terrifying blue and black markings all over the girl’s torso.  She definitely wasn’t lying when she said she had fucked up her ribs.  The scariest part, though, was that not all of it was fresh.  She had some obviously healing bruises and cuts all over her body as well. 

Before her and her friends could invade Clarke’s privacy any longer, she pulled her shirt down and went to pick her up from the floor.  She knew moving her bridal style would be painful and she was more than glad that she was going to be unconscious for this.

Octavia intercepted Lexa on her way, though, "Shouldn't we take her to the hospital?  Lexa, look at her!  She looks like she's been through hell!" 

Lexa sighed, knowing the others might not understand.  "I know this all looks bad, but if I know anything, I know that Clarke can take care of herself.  The last thing she's going to want is to go to the hospital."

The two younger brunettes exchanged looks, growing more and more curious about the girl in their best friend's arms.  Seeing the looks passing between her two flatmates, Lexa continued, "Trust me.  She'll be up in the morning and dealing with all of this as if none of it mattered.  It pissed me off sometimes, but I learned to trust that she knows what her body needs better than a doctor who knows nothing about her.  If things don't look better in the morning, we'll force her to go to the hospital with us."

Raven and Octavia grunted, obviously aware that they no longer had any real reason to stop Lexa from going to her room.  The law student was always the biggest stickler about health and safety, sometimes even taking off work to make sure Raven was able to handle her physical therapy properly.  If she was saying that the unconscious girl didn't need a hospital, they shouldn't question her.  Both brunettes moved out of the way and allowed Lexa to pass.

They got her into Lexa’s room and laid her down on the bed.  All three of them could tell she wouldn’t be up for a while.  Passing out like that meant she had to be terrible condition and she would stay like that for at least a few hours.  After tucking her into the blankets and making sure she was comfortable, all three of them made their way back to the living room.

Lexa had gone and sat down on the sofa right away, Raven tailing behind her while Octavia made a detour to grab them all something to drink.  She knew that Lexa’s go to drink was either Sprite or apple juice and Raven couldn’t have too much alcohol with her medications so she grabbed all three of them sodas from the fridge before meeting them on the sofa. 

Lexa took the drink from her friend with a soft smile before looking at the floor again.  Raven and Octavia exchanged worried glances; they hadn’t seen this Lexa in years.  She was slightly uncomfortable and very closed off when they first met, but they managed to bring her out of that shell.  Maybe Clarke was someone from before they met her; someone who brought up painful memories. 

The green eyed brunette looked at the floor without seeing anything.  She felt the bottle in her hand and smiled slightly – it was the girl in her bedroom that got her hooked on the bubbly drink.  Clarke always had something against alcohol and she pointed out that soda has the same burn when you drink it.  Remembering the blonde’s current situation, the smile fell from her face.  She took a deep breath and took a sip from the bottle.  She had no more energy to keep her head up and it hung with the weight of everything she had tried to avoid for years.

Raven and Octavia waited and watched silently, observing as their best friend and roommate seemed to grow heavier by the second.  She looked like she was about to crumble at the edges and they had absolutely no idea what they were going to do to help her.  Raven couldn’t take the pain anymore and started fidgeting.  She knew that she would usually be the one to break an uncomfortable silence, but she knew this kind of tension.  This is what she imagined it felt like after she and Octavia hooked up.  They managed to work through their shit and had a good understanding of their relationship now, but they were in a bad place for a while. 

Octavia knew exactly where Raven’s head was and she couldn’t handle sitting there, drowning in the tension in the room without saying anything.  She got up and moved next to Lexa and gently took her hand.  The action seemed to break the brunette out of her trance and green eyes met blue.  She had to ask at that point, “Love what’s going on?  Who is she?”

Lexa heard the question and she had no idea how to answer it.  She knew she owed it to her best friends to explain to them what the hell was going on, but she didn’t want to talk about this.  She took another sip of the bubbly drink, curled up into herself, and started telling the story.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a little help from hedalexatrikru on tumblr with this chapter, and I appreciate it beyond words! The story is almost completely written (already at 78k), so updates should be fairly regular. I'm a little iffy on which ending I want to put on this story, but we'll come to that later. I don't know the proper protocol for this, but I guess I'm supposed to ask for comments and kudos? Of course, do whatever you want lol you don't have to say anything. If you would like to, though, my tumblr is: theysaythejobisjinxed. Thank you for reading!!!


	2. History (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa tells Octavia and Raven her history with Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with some slightly dark stuff. Both Clarke and Lexa may seem extremely out of character at some points, but I promise everything will be explained in the future. I did say at the beginning that this is a rather dark story, so it will definitely be a rollercoaster of emotions. Tw: cheating (kind of)

_Lexa was 17 when they met.  She walked into the school bathroom and immediately noticed the smell: vomit and sweat.  It was strong enough to smell up the whole bathroom.  She stopped in the doorway for a second and noticed that only one of the stalls seemed to be occupied.  She walked to the sinks and washed her hands, debating whether or not to approach whoever seemed to be having such a horrible day._

_As she was fumbling on which direction to turn – out the door or further into the restroom – the stall door opened.  A small girl walked out, face showing just how shitty she felt.  Her blonde hair was all disheveled, her clothes seemed to hang off her frame as if they were for someone three times her size.  She kept her head down and her bag tight on her body.  There was no way Lexa would be able to just walk out the door now._

_“Hey are you okay?” She winced at how lame that sounded.  The girl’s response of a mumbled assurance was to be expected and she sighed, resolving herself to the fact that she’d be in the bathroom for at least as long as the stranger-girl would be.  She walked into the restroom and sat down on the bench against the wall, waiting for the girl to turn around from washing her hands.  She allowed a smile to cross her face when the girl turned around,_ _looking surprised to find her still sitting there.  The girl_ _seemed torn as to whether or not to entertain her or to go running.  Lexa patted the seat next to her on the bench and waited while the girl just stood there.  Sighing, she realized that she wasn’t going to join her on the bench no matter what._

_Deciding that there was no point in waiting for the girl to say anything she said, “If you’re sick I can take you to the nurse, and if you need someone to talk to I can help you with that too.”  She had no idea how to deal with a situation like this.  The girl could just be sick, she could have an eating disorder, she could be pregnant; there were a plethora of possibilities and none of them were pleasant.  She waited for a response._

_“I’m not sick.”_

_Wow.  That was a deep answer.  They looked at each other for a minute, neither of them knowing what else there was to say.  As they looked at each other for longer and longer Lexa could see her eyes get softer and softer.  They started off a strong steeled blue, with seemingly_ _solid walls up and no expression.  After a_ _bit they grew softer, a beautiful sky blue.  There was pain there, though, and Lexa found her heart breaking for this stranger girl.  Before the moment could break she started talking._

_“It’s been a very long day for me, and I can only imagine yours has been even longer.  There’s just so much going on in classes and such this week.”  Wanting to keep some sort of friendly conversation going without getting into dangerous territories she asked, “What classes do you have today? Oh, and I’m sorry but what grade are you in?”_

_She got a very timid response, “I’m 15.  I’m in your AP Statistics and AP Literature class.”_

_Right.  They had had classes together in the past as well but she didn’t recognize the girl like this.  She was always completely poised and professional, and the teachers used her work as examples in class, oftentimes despite her protests.  They were both star students in almost all of their classes, beloved by the teachers and administrators.  She had seen the girl around since freshman year but they had never interacted.  She didn’t know much of anything about her except that she had skipped two grades in elementary school and that she spent most of her time alone.  Lexa_ _wanted to be able to learn who this girl was, but she could tell it would be difficult._

_They spent almost twenty minutes in the restroom that day, with the older girl trying to get the younger one to say anything with some weight to it.  Lexa learned that the mystery girl was Clarke, the infamous foster child of known pimp and drug dealer Thelonious Jaha, the girl who showed up to school with new bruises and cuts every other week.  Lexa didn’t know much about how politics played in with the foster system, but she was skeptic of the effectiveness of it.  Thelonious Jaha was only able to do the things he did because he was a local council member.  It seemed as though people of power could get away with whatever the fuck they wanted if they had money.  Clarke seemed to be the prime example of just how fucked up that was._

_Eventually other people started pouring into the restroom as well.  The two unlikely companions were made to split and Clarke truly believed she would never see Lexa again.  She was used to it, though – people never stayed in her life._

_The next day, however, the green-eyed brunette was waiting for her outside of their AP Stats classroom before she got there and made sure the two of them sat together.  After class she dragged them both to a table at lunch.  Clarke followed behind her, unable to say anything because, for one, she never expected this kind of reaction from the stranger in the bathroom yesterday, but secondly because, right then, Lexa was touching her hand and she wasn’t able to think about anything else._

_Clarke joined Lexa and her friends for lunch that day and, eventually she started sitting with them regularly.  She tried to remain as professional as possible, but it didn’t work with everybody.  Costia, Titus, and Ryder never really understood her, but Lincoln welcomed her almost immediately.  As she started spending more time Lexa and Lincoln outside of school, she met their families as well.  Anya and Indra both warmed up to her quickly as well, and Clarke had no idea how to process it.  She wasn’t used to people sticking around so she had always avoided making friends, but it seemed that this group was determined to get her to them._

_But then again, there was a lot to like about Clarke.  They all appreciated her raw candor, oftentimes finding humor in the way she could be a little_ _too blunt with people.  More than that, though, she always made herself available if anyone needed her.  Clarke was also an absolute badass and trained with all of them at the gym.  There was something in this girl that each of them could connect to, and it was incredible how seamlessly she seemed to fit into the group._

 _It took a long time for them to find out anything personal about her, though.  Almost five months after meeting them Clarke showed up at Lexa and Anya’s front door, bloody and bruised.  That was the first night they started hearing her story.  She hadn’t had a safe home to live in since her mom died when she six years old.  Her step-father decided to use her to fulfill_ **_all_ ** _wifely duties and she was eventually removed from the house when teachers noticed her get more and more reserved and jumpy.  She was removed from that house when she was eleven and she was placed in the foster system – which wasn’t much better.  Her first foster family had used her merely as a punching bag and some extra income, and then she was placed with Jaha.  That night was the first time she had reached out for help herself._

_Lexa and Anya both felt like they had been punched in the gut.  They had known this girl for five months now, spending all day at school together and many weekends at someone’s house, and they had no idea.  She was going through so much shit and she dealt with so much crap because of hanging out with them and they had no idea.  She had been kicked out of her house four days prior and they had no idea.  The only reason she showed up at their doorstep tonight was because she ran into her former foster father._

_They both assured her that she could spend the night with them at least.  They would have to talk to their parents, and it would be difficult to do much more because she was technically a ward of the state.  Clarke tried just asking for a place to wash her clothes and she would be on her way, but they adamantly refused.  The Woods family wouldn’t stand for sending her back out there alone no matter what._

_It took time.  Clarke eventually had to go back to her foster family’s house, despite efforts by Lexa and Anya’s parents and Indra and Lincoln’s parents.  She would often show up at their house in the middle of the night, bloodied and bruised, refusing medical treatment.  Lexa always tried to get Clarke to go to a hospital but the girl would refuse, adamant that she had taken care of herself for long enough to know what to do.  After a few months of this, Lexa and her family learned to just let her deal with whatever happened in her own way, and they were always there for her if she ever asked for help._

_The Woods applied for an adoption license after having to send Clarke back to that house, and they were eventually granted custody, giving Clarke the best 16 th_ _birthday present she could have ever imagined.  Ten years after her mother’s death, she finally had a family that cared about her._

_Through all of this, she grew closer to the whole group.  They were finally able to be there for her as much as she was there for them.  They helped her when she had nightmares about past homes and she helped Lincoln and Indra when their mom left for deployment.  They helped her when she didn’t know how to ask for it and she helped Lexa and Anya when their parents died in a car crash during college.  The five of them became their own little family._

_They had all kind of fallen out of touch with Costia, Ryder, Titus, and the rest of the group.  This new bond that they had formed seemed to outweigh everyone else in their life.  Of course they still spent some time with the others, but for the most part it was just them.  They weren’t complaining, either.  Everything seemed to be working out finally._

_Clarke formed a special bond with Lexa.  Somehow, during their initial meeting in the bathroom, something sparked in both of them and neither of them could ignore it.  They got together officially a few weeks after Clarke came to their house for help the first time, and they decided to keep it quiet so they didn’t risk her chances of getting adopted by the Woods family._

_Clarke was 17 when Lexa turned 18, and they faced a few obstacles in their relationship that year.  Only their friends knew about them, but eventually Mr. and Mrs. Woods became privy to them as well.  Clarke was terrified that they would finally kick her out of the house, ever ready for the shoe to drop on her happy story, but they surprised everyone by agreeing to keep it quiet.  They could tell that these two girls had something special._

_Lincoln and Lexa finished high school the year before Clarke did, but both of them stayed local for Undergrad.  Anya was stationed closer to their home and Indra was promoted to detective in the LAPD, but Lexa and Lincoln were only a year ahead of her and they stayed behind.  Lexa went to undergrad as pre-law and Lincoln wanted to be a police officer.  Clarke couldn’t have been more proud of all of them._

_Lexa and Clarke waited until Clarke was 18 to do anything beyond innocent touches.  Lexa wanted to make sure that Clarke knew that she loved her for her and that she didn’t want to just use her.  Their relationship blossomed and flourished, remaining together for over three years._

_Lexa and Clarke ended up at the same school as well, deciding that they could stick around for a few more years to stay together.  After a particularly hard night, though, Clarke found that the shoe that she had been waiting for dropped from the most unexpected of places._

_They had gone out together for the first time in weeks.  Lexa had been killing herself over her LSAT and Clarke had been busy with studying for the MCAT so they hadn’t had much time to just spend together.  They were both stressed and snippy with each other and everyone around them and decided that a nice night out could help them get their footing again.  They had been in rough territory for a few months and their friends were nervous about where their relationship was going._

_They went out to their favourite restaurant that night.  They had a beautiful dinner and connected in a way that they hadn’t in weeks.  They went for a walk under the stars, something that they had always loved doing.  They walked and walked and walked and they talked about nothing and everything and it was one of both girls’ favourite nights in memory.  They were walking back to their car, though, when they heard a voice that stopped them both dead in their tracks._

_Clarke’s ex-foster father, Cage Wallace, was standing on the sidewalk with his wife and son.  They hadn’t talked to or seen them in years and were hoping that that chapter of her life was behind them.  But all things catch up to us and her past and present decided to meet in the most explosive of ways._

_The showdown between abuser and victim was not what ruined things, though.  No; Clarke carried herself with a dignity few people could have managed after she grabbed her girlfriend’s hand and walked past the man spewing profanities at her with her head held high.  Lexa and Clarke managed to make it back to the car and Lexa drove them both home, silence being her only companion.  They walked into their apartment, Lexa leading Clarke who had been in a daze since the encounter.  The older brunette placed a soft kiss on her lips, hoping to break her out of whatever nightmare she was locked in in her head._

_Neither of them expected that the younger girl would flip out.  She pushed Lexa away from her and got in a defensive stance.  The green eyed girl looked up from the floor, terrified for the first time that Clarke could hurt her.  She saw the immediate realization in her girlfriend’s blue eyes and felt her heart shatter in her chest.  Clarke’s eyes were swimming with tears and disbelief at what she had done.  She looked from Lexa to her own hands again and again until she started to get dizzy.  Without saying a word, she turned away and bolted out the door._

_Lexa had only ever been that terrified once in her life, and that was when her parents died. She had no idea where Clarke went or when she would be back.  When she hadn’t heard from her girlfriend for some time she decided to text everyone else they knew in the area to see if they had heard from her.  The only one to respond in the affirmative was Anya, and she wouldn’t say anything about what they had talked about.  Anya was always very big about keeping people’s trust, and Clarke didn’t trust anybody, ever.  So if she confided something in Anya, Anya sure as hell would never tell anybody._

_Lexa made the mistake of texting Costia.  She knew that there was no way in hell Clarke would end up going to her for help, but she eventually became desperate.  After talking to Costia, Anya, Indra, Lincoln, and Titus, she ascertained that none of them would actually be able to help her.  Looking at the time she realized it was now 1:30 in the morning and Clarke had been missing for four hours.  They both had to be up by 5:30 and she knew the next day would be miserable too._

_Just as the law student was about to go to the bedroom to try and get some sleep, she heard footsteps approach the door.  She waited with baited breath, fairly certain it was her girlfriend but too afraid to hope.  Whoever was there waited for some time with audible shuffling sounds, as if getting up the courage to come in.  Eventually, there was a knock._

_Lexa braced herself, terrified that a person in a police officer’s uniform would be there as a bearer of bad news.  She couldn’t stop her heart from trying to beat out of her chest as she raised her shaking hand to unlock the door and then turn the knob.  Her heart skipped a few beats when she was met with expressive blue eyes, full of pain and regret._

_“I’m pretty sure you have a key to get in.”_

_Clarke’s shoulders deflated some and she seemed to curl in on herself even more.  “I wasn’t sure how comfortable you would be with me just walking back in.”_

_Lexa felt her heart break some more, hearing the pain swirling in the other girl’s voice.  She knew the issues the younger girl had with her own history, afraid that she had been conditioned to become a monster like everyone she grew up with.  She knew that the moment earlier would weigh on her soul and cause her pain for as long as she remembered it.  Lexa wanted to be able to do anything in her power to help the girl in front of her, but she was afraid that she wouldn’t be allowed in far enough to actually help._

_The next few days were hard.  Clarke was obviously having a hard time dealing with what happened and, no matter how many times Lexa told her everything was okay, she couldn’t properly comprehend what she had done.  They both knew that no real damage was done to Lexa physically, but it seemed to really break Clarke’s mental state.  The blonde closed off immediately and poured herself into studying 100%.  If Lexa hadn’t have forced the girl to sit down and eat once a day she wouldn’t have eaten anything for a week and a half._

_As their distance grew, Lexa started talking to others again.  She started off just asking her three best friends for help again.  They all said to handle Clarke delicately because her head seemed to be in a scary place, but Lexa couldn’t help but feel hurt.  What about her own mind set?  Why weren’t they concerned with what a scary place her head was in? Her girlfriend, the woman she loved with everything in her, had completely shut down.  She had had a violent burst and then completely shut away.  Why didn’t they care about what Lexa was going through?_

_She started talking to Costia, Ryder, and Titus more and more during this time, particularly Costia.  She knew that the other girl was interested in her, but there wasn’t anything she could do about that now.  She needed a friend on her side and Costia was more than willing to be that. She didn’t know how or when it happened, but she started spending more time with her than with her actual girlfriend.  While Clarke was trying to protect Lexa by distancing herself, Lexa was protecting herself by getting closer to Costia._

_Nothing happened for the longest time; Lexa loved Clarke too much to do anything with her new friend.  However, one night they were both drunk.  They had just taken their LSATs and decided that they deserved to go out and have some fun.  Clarke was having a tough time again with Lexa gone so much, but Lexa insisted that she needed space, knowing that Clarke would never push her on that.  She got drunk with Costia and hadn’t felt that free in months._

_Neither girl remembered how it happened, but Lexa suddenly sobered up in the middle of the night and realized that she was pressed up flush to the darker skinned girl, her lips trailing down Lexa’s neck and a hand running up and down her back under her shirt; what was worse was that Lexa was actually enjoying it._

_She shot away from the raven-haired girl in front of her and froze.  She wanted to deny that it was Costia, she wanted to believe that she was actually with Clarke, the girl she loved, but she couldn’t.  She knew that the giant bush of black curls on the girl in front of her didn’t belong to her girlfriend.  It was the eyes that really broke her out though.  Costia’s eyes were almost black with lust, but Clarke’s eyes never looked like that.  Costia looked like she wanted to devour Lexa but Clarke always looked like she wanted to worship the other girl.  This was all a big fucking mistake._

_She walked home in silence.  It was a forty minute walk and it was the middle of the night, but she absolutely had to get home immediately.  She spent the whole walk thinking about what happened and how she was going to deal with it.  She hated herself for what she had done and what she would have to say to her girlfriend.  No matter what, though, the green eyed brunette couldn’t deny the fact that Costia could never compare to Clarke._

_Walking home, she hoped beyond all hope that her girlfriend was asleep so she could have some time to process what she was going to say.  Lexa was exhausted, freezing cold, and hurting and she was going back and forth between wanting to grovel for forgiveness and angrily defending herself in her own head.  On one hand, she knew that what she had done was absolutely wrong and didn’t want to be forgiven at all.  The other side of her, though, wanted her to defend herself, to argue about how difficult the last few months had been for her with Clarke emotionally checked out.  The law student had no idea which side would come out when confronted with what she did._

_Much to her chagrin, Clarke was up studying when she got home.  She saw the light on in their room and the one in the living room on as well and she knew that shit was going to go down right then.  It was 3 in the morning and she was terrified of how this was going to go._

_“Babe? Is that you?”  Once it got past 1:30 in the morning, Clarke had given up hope that her girlfriend would be coming home that night.  Lexa had taken her LSAT that day and Clarke had made her favourite dinner and had their favourite movies ready, hoping to be able to spend some time with the older brunette that night and work on fixing what was wrong.  Lexa hadn’t come home, though, and she hadn’t answered any of her texts either.  She knew that they had been having problems over the last few weeks and it hurt that Lexa was spending as much time away from her as possible, but she only had a week left of this crazy work and then she had plans to focus solely on whatever was broken with them.  She knew that the stoic and strong girl secretly had a soft spot for cheesy romance and she planned on going all out.  She owed it to her to give her the best apology possible._

_“Yea, love, it’s me.”  The older girl couldn’t help but cringe, the guilt weighing down on her like boulders on her chest.  “I was studying at Cos’s and just really wanted to come home.”_

_Clarke walked out into the living room with a slight smile on her face.  She knew that she was the one who had created the initial distance between them, but she was working on fixing it.  She got a little worried, though, when she went to give the brunette a kiss and she turned her head at the last second so she only got her cheek.  Backing up to look at Lexa properly, she could see that the green-eyed girl was avoiding looking at her and she was chewing at her lip, which she only ever did when she was avoiding something._

_“Lex what’s going on?”_

_Immediately getting defensive, Lexa saw the fear that Clarke was trying to keep hidden in her eyes and she stopped herself before she could snap.  “I think we should sit down.”_

_Clarke walked over to the sofa and sat on one side.  She didn’t want to sit too close to the other girl because she feared that she knew where this was going, but she couldn’t stand being too far from her either._

_“Babe please.  Anything you have to tell me it’s going to be okay.”_

_Lexa couldn’t stop the tears from building up in her eyes.  She looked to the side and finally made eye contact with the deep blue eyes that she fell in love with and felt her heart start to break all over again.  She couldn’t believe that she would break the other girl’s heart as well, when she had vowed do nothing but take care of it and protect it.  Yet here they were._

_When her girlfriend didn’t say anything for a while but just looked at her as if she was seeing her for both the first and last times her heartbeat started racing.  She couldn’t get it to calm down and she was almost certain she knew where this was going.  Taking a deep breath, she bit the bullet and asked, “Lexa, did you do something with Costia?”_

_Clarke heard the sharp intake of breath and that was all the confirmation she needed.  Her head dropped immediately into her hands and she let out a deep breath.  No matter what, though, she refused to let any tears drop.  The blonde was up in an instant, shooting out of her seat and pacing, unable to sit still.  She got slightly concerned when Lexa didn’t say anything though._

_After a few minutes of pained silence, she turned her head to look at the girl still sitting on the sofa.  She felt her heart leap at the tears running down her girlfriend’s face while she looked off into the distance and she couldn’t take it._

_The young blonde rushed back over to the girl on the sofa and knelt in front of her, taking her hands in her own and gently pressing a kiss to her knuckles.  When Lexa finally let out a singular sob and clenched her eyes shut, Clarke reached up and gently wiped her tears away, caressing her face while she was at it.  She tried soothing the other girl until she finally looked back at her and Clarke couldn’t help but feel her breath catch at the heart-wrenching beauty of the woman sitting in front of her._

_“I don’t understand,” she said, as gently as she could, but knowing that she couldn’t sugarcoat anything.  “I don’t understand and I don’t like it, but we can deal with this.  We can work on this and fix it.”  When she still didn’t get a response she got more worried, “If it’s something that you want to fix…”_

_Lexa didn’t know how to deal with all of the emotions that started tearing their way through her body.  Having to confirm to Clarke what had happened terrified the ever-loving shit out of her and she reacted in the worst way possible.  Lexa tore her hands from the younger girl’s grasp and shot up off of the sofa, “What the fuck, Clarke?  Do you really think that little of me that you automatically assumed that that’s what I was doing all night?”_

_Clarke’s eyes widened, terrified that she had seriously messed up, “No I just – “_

_“No I know exactly what.  Just because you’re fucked up in the head doesn’t mean I’m going to do something to hurt you. Not everyone is out to fuck with you.  God just get over it already.”_

_Neither of them knew where these words were coming from.  Clarke tried her hardest not to take them to heart, she tried to understand that her girlfriend had so many things going on and they were probably just both really stressed.  She couldn’t help it, though; the words really hurt._

_“Babe, please.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean anything by it, I just thought – “_

_“Please I know exactly what you thought.  What? Just because I was out all night with a girl you thought I was just going to sleep with her?  News flash: not everyone gets fucked by everyone they run into.”_

_The words hit her like a punch to the stomache.  Lexa had no idea where the words came from and Clarke couldn’t help the sharp exhale of breath at the impact of those words.  She saw the realization cross Lexa’s features the instant those words were out of her mouth, but it was too late.  The damage was already done._

_Clarke slowly rose from her crouched position on the floor and stood there for a second, just looking at the green eyes in front of her, now swimming in a pool of tears.  Without a word, she turned around and walked out the door._

_Lexa couldn’t believe what just happened.  Out of everything she imagined on the walk home, this was not what she expected.  She had said that, no matter what, she wouldn’t let the anger get a hold of her and personally attack the younger girl.  Lexa had royally fucked that up and she didn’t know if she would ever be able to make this up to the medical student.  A history like Clarke’s was never supposed to be used as a weapon, but that was exactly what Lexa had done.  She didn’t think she deserved to ever be forgiven._

_It was now almost 4 in the morning and the law student had no idea where her girlfriend would go.  Clarke didn’t have anybody she could go to at a time like this and Lexa couldn’t help the way her heart started pounding.  Before she knew it, she was on the floor sobbing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for that ending. I was initially going to have the whole story up in one chapter, but it was pushing 12.5k words so I decided to split it up. The second part of this is finished, and I'll have it up at some point this weekend.  
> I've spent three months writing this story and studying each aspect of why the characters are acting the way they are, so if anyone would like to ask me about that or yell at me or anything, my tumblr is: theysaythejobisjinxed .  
> I'm more than happy to answer any questions. Again, I promise things will become clearer in future chapters. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope I didn't offend anybody.


	3. History (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa explains the aftermath of her decisions.

_Lexa woke with a jerk, gasping for breath and frantically trying to get a grasp of her surroundings.  It seemed that she had passed out on the floor, tears still streaming down her face.  Before she could really understand where she was, though, she heard a small voice._

_“Hey.  It’s okay.  You’re okay.  You’re at home and I’m right here.  You’re going to be okay.”  Lexa just looked at the girl in front of her in complete and utter shock.  She had no idea when the younger girl had gotten home or how long she was gone or even how long she, herself, had been asleep.  Lexa just knew that she had been afraid that she would never see Clarke again and, after that nightmare, all of the possibilities of what could have happened to her girlfriend before dawn plagued her mind._

_Before she could think to stop herself, Lexa threw her arms around the younger girl’s neck, sobbing and gasping for air.  Thanking God and anyone else she could think of that she was okay.  For the first time, Clarke didn’t actively try to comfort her.  She let the older girl take whatever comfort she needed, but she didn’t put any sort of effort in herself, and Lexa couldn’t blame her._

_After a minute, Lexa untangled herself from the younger girl and looked sheepishly at her face.  Clarke seemed to be trying her best to avoid any and all eye contact and Lexa couldn’t help but feel her heart break even more. A smell caught her attention and she realized that the other girl had made breakfast and, from the smell of it, it was her favourite breakfast too.  All of a sudden, the weight of what happened last night came crashing at her and she had to run to the washroom as quick as possible before she emptied her stomache in the living room._

_Clarke sighed as she saw her girlfriend run into the bathroom and heard her start retching.  Her whole body felt like it was being pulled in that direction to help her, but at the same time she was stuck where she was.  She still couldn’t completely comprehend what happened last night, but remembering the older girl in her arms sobbing only minutes before, something she never did, Clarke couldn’t stop herself from going after her girlfriend into the bathroom and trying to comfort her._

_The medical student softly ran her hands through her girlfriend’s hair, before gathering it all behind her head and trying to calm her a little bit._

_Lexa felt the hands holding her hair back and running gentle circles on her back.  She heard the other girl whispering soft words to her, trying to calm her down, and she started crying again.  At this point, she wasn’t even throwing up anymore, she was just grossly sobbing.  She couldn’t believe what she had said and done that morning and she couldn’t help but hurt at the fact that her girlfriend was still willing to comfort her._

_After she brushed her teeth and washed her face a little bit, they made their way back into the living room and kitchen area.  Lexa saw the chocolate chip pancakes sitting on the table waiting for her with a smoothie right next to them and she could stop the whimper that fell out of her mouth.  She felt herself be led to her seat and had her chair tucked in before a hand ran over her hair and a gentle kiss was placed on her forehead._

_She expected the younger girl to sit in front of her and eat with her but when she turned to look at her she saw her leaning against the counter with a cup of apple juice in her hand.  It was the apple juice that really hurt her.  Lexa knew that the medical student had strong aversions to alcohol and she used apple juice as a way to calm herself down and considered it her own “liquid courage”.  The fact that she needed it now was all Lexa’s fault and it just hurt so much._

_Lexa took a single bite of the pancake in front of her and tears sprung to her eyes again.  She was going to let this slip right through her fingers – and for what?  Because things were tough? Bullshit.  She would fight for this as long as Clarke would let her._

_They stayed together in the kitchen in silence until Lexa finished the pancakes.  They were both women of very few words and that was proving to be a problem now.  They both had many things that they wanted to say but they couldn’t come up with how to say them.  Lexa finished her breakfast and Clarke walked over and took her dishes to the sink.  She set them down on the counter but didn’t start washing them immediately, which was Lexa’s first indication that something was about to happen.  The second was the way the beautiful blonde gripped the edge of the counter and hung her head down, taking deep, shuddering breaths.  Lexa felt a pang in her chest and she knew that she was hurting for the pain that she caused the girl in front of her._

_The first words out of Clarke’s mouth felt like someone threw a dagger right into Lexa’s heart: “I’m sorry.”  What the blonde was apologizing for, she had no idea.  Between the two of them, Lexa should have been the one doing the groveling._

_Clarke turned to look at the girl on the table when she didn’t get a response.  She could see emotions running over her face and couldn’t handle the thought that Lexa might say something final and just let whatever came fall from her mouth.  “I’m so sorry,” she said.  “I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything last night.  I know that was unfounded and it was wrong and disrespectful to you.  I know you’re not that kind of person.”  She slowly turned so her whole body was facing her girlfriend, “And I’m sorry for what I did.  I know that I hurt you and that is absolutely unacceptable and I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you did want to leave.  It was wrong and I can’t forgive myself for hurting you like that.”  Unable to stop herself, she knelt in front of the girl in the chair again and grabbed her two hands, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles, silently pleading with her to say something._

_Lexa couldn’t breathe.  She had no idea what to say and she couldn’t handle the love she could feel pouring out of the girl in front of her.  Slowly she pulled her hands out of her grasp and got up, walking to the living room and started pacing.  She had so many thoughts running through her head and she was terrified of what they all meant._

_Clarke slowly walked into the other room, worried that she couldn’t tell what was going on with her girlfriend.  She had talked to Costia that morning after leaving and she knew exactly what happened.  She knew that Lexa and Costia had gotten into some very heated territory, and that Lexa ran away in the middle of it without a word to the other girl.  She even understood that Lexa used aggressive defensiveness as a self-preservation tactic.  Clarke would be willing to work through all of that and try and move past it with the green-eyed brunette by her side.  What she couldn’t seem to move past, though, were the comments that the older brunette had made that morning.  She could forgive all of the rest of it if the girl would only talk to her, but those words opened a large scab on her psyche that she would have trouble closing again._

_The medical student watched her girlfriend walk back and forth as if she was trying to erode a hole into their living room floor.  She didn’t know what to do to help her or what to say to help either of them.  She stood there for a few minutes, just watching the turmoil on the green-eyed girl’s face and trying to ignore the nagging pain in her chest.  Their interaction from that morning kept playing in the back of her mind and Clarke tried everything she could to stop those words from playing on repeat, but failed.  Everything was swirling around in her head and watching the woman she loved with all of her heart pacing back and forth was making her get more and more dizzy.  Eventually she couldn’t remain standing anymore and her knees buckled underneath her._

_Clarke fell to her knees next to the sofa and landed with a groan, feeling pain erupt through her legs.  She’d never been great at running (physically) and had fallen down the stairs at Costia’s apartment that morning.  Her head dropped to her chest with the weight of everything that was going on and she pulled her hands up to her face, scratching furiously to not allow the tears to build up in her eyes.  She fucking hated crying._

_Lexa heard the thud and the groan and turned to see her girlfriend on the floor in a ball and, before she could even think, she was kneeling next to the blonde with an arm around her shoulder.  She gasped when the girl looked up at her – the deep, blue eyes were swimming in unshed tears and she could tell how hard the younger girl was fighting not to let them fall.  She gently helped her up, seeing the effort it took and realizing that the groan was from genuine pain, and led her to sit on the sofa.  She stayed knelt in front of the girl and rested both of her hands on the other girl’s knees._

_She sat like that for a minute.  Looking up into the girl’s eyes she could see all of the turmoil swirling there.  Lexa couldn’t help but feel a bit of pride in the girl’s strength because she still wouldn’t let the tears fall.  Eventually an odd feeling crept into her hands and she looked down to see a slight blood stain spreading across the girl’s left knee.  She gasped and looked up at her girlfriend’s face only to see her avoiding her eyes.  “Clarke, what the hell happened?!”_

_The younger girl couldn’t help but flinch at the raised voice, flashing back to the years of abuse she endured before she met the girl in front of her.  Everything that had happened the last many months had pushed Clarke back into a haunted headspace.  Running into Cage, the guilt of almost hitting Lexa, the pain and confusion of Lexa’s relations with Costia, and the words that her girlfriend had thrown at her that morning were sending her into overdrive and she couldn’t handle it.  Clarke flinched when Lexa raised her hand to caress her face and clenched her eyes shut, picturing a fist flying down at her._

_Lexa felt her heart continue to break at the turmoil on her girlfriend’s face, knowing exactly where her fear was coming from.  The fact that she made her girlfriend afraid for her own safety was something that her heart couldn’t handle and a single tear streaked down her face.  The brunette wiped it away angrily, hating how much she was crying that day.  She repeated her question again in a gentler tone, hoping it would help the scared girl calm down some._

_Clarke scrunched her face up, hating how weak she felt.  She shouldn’t have been afraid of her girlfriend; she knew the older girl would never hurt her.  But, then again, she never thought she would use her past as a weapon against her.  Gathering up her courage and looking into her girlfriend’s eyes, she prepared herself for the onslaught of emotions she knew she would see there.  “I fell down a flight of stairs this morning.”_

_“Oh, baby, what happened?  Why didn’t you take care of it immediately?”_

_Before the other girl could get any further into her concern, Clarke cut her off.  “I fell down the stairs at Costia’s apartment complex.”  The words were barely a whisper, but she knew by the way the hands stroking her cheeks froze and by the sudden gasp of air that the law student heard what she said._

_Lexa panicked.  She wasn’t prepared for that and she didn’t know what to do now. She froze and freaked out.  She looked up at her girlfriend’s face with wide eyes and fear clearly written across her features._

_Clarke sighed slightly before offering her girlfriend a sad smile.  She raised her hands slowly and framed the green-eyed girl’s face gently, seeing the despair and pain written plainly in her eyes.  Clarke gently rubbed her thumbs across Lexa's cheeks, relishing their  softness and wishing they could just stay in that moment forever - looking into each others' eyes, sincerity bubbling between them.  They had to be adults, though, and deal with what had happened.  Steeling herself, Clarke started talking, “She told me what happened.  She told me that you came to her all those weeks ago, afraid that you’d lost me.  She told me that you’ve been spending most of your time with her and ignoring any advance that she made on you.  She told me that you were so excited to finally be done with your exam last night that you both decided to go out for drinks with your friends.”  Clarke took a shuddering breath before wiping at the tears running steadily down her girlfriend’s face, offering her another small smile before continuing, “She told me how you both got smashed and somehow ended up kissing.  She told me about how she pushed you and pushed you, knowing that you were too inebriated to resist any physical advances she made.  I may or may not have punched her in the face when she admitted to taking advantage of you being drunk._

_“She told me how you freaked out in the middle and ran all the way home in the wee hours of the morning, freaking out about what had happened.”  She leant down and placed a gentle kiss on the brunette curls before resting her forehead against the older girl’s.  “She told me that she would stay away from you and wouldn’t try to come between us anymore.”_

_Lexa pulled back a little bit to look into the blue eyes in front of her full of nothing but love for her and would never have been able to brace herself for the next words that fell out of her mouth, “I told her that I would talk to you and let you decide what you want to do.”_

_Lexa felt her world start spinning.  Her girlfriend genuinely thought that she would leave her for someone – anyone – else.  She knew that she hadn’t been able to hide her attraction to the other girl but she never thought that she would ever act on it.  She had explained it to Costia many times before as well and the fact that she took advantage of her own inebriated state disturbed her.  Lexa had thought that Costia was a good person but now she was afraid that she didn’t actually know the other girl at all._

_Clarke was slowly getting more and more concerned with the silence from the girl in front of her a started rambling.  “Lex, I know that I’m not the easiest person to live with.  I know it’s been nothing but problems from the beginning and I know that it’s getting harder and harder to put up with me as we’re getting more and more busy.  I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go for someone normal.”  She took another deep breath before continuing, not feeling very reassured by the other girl’s continued silence, “If you want to have drinks after a test, you deserve a friend who will do that with you.  You could have someone your own age, someone in your own field of study, someone who’s actually as smart and beautiful as you.  You don’t deserve to be with someone who’s going to hold you back with all of her problems and baggage.”  She made the girl look her in the eyes again, “Lexa you deserve the world and everything beautiful it has to offer, and you deserve someone who can give you all of that.”_

_Lexa couldn’t breathe.  She felt like everything was crashing down around her and she couldn’t process any of it.  She looked into the blue eyes boring into her own dumbly and couldn’t formulate an even remotely cohesive response.  She could see the girl on the sofa getting more and more flustered as her silence grew but she couldn’t do anything about it._

_Before either of them knew what was happening, Lexa had flung herself up and into the younger girl’s arms, pressing her lips frantically against hers.  Clarke tried to pull back at first but she couldn’t put up much of a fight at all.  She had been craving this kind of connection with her girlfriend for weeks and she was finally getting it._

_They kissed frantically and eventually Lexa lay on the sofa undressed with Clarke worshipping the entire expanse of her body.  Trailing kisses up both of her legs, blowing a raspberry on her belly, earning a giggle from the green-eyed girl and fingers running through her hair, kissing from her fingers up both of her arms to her neck, hitting all of the right places.  Lexa basked in the love being showered down on her and she felt like the love was going to send her heart bursting straight through her chest. Eventually she fell asleep wrapped up in her girlfriend’s arms, a blanket covering her exposed body.  Just before she finally lost the battle with consciousness she realized that Clarke was still fully dressed and untouched.  She resolved to return the favors later and snuggled her head deeper into her girlfriend’s chest, wrapping her arms tighter around her midsection, and drifting off into the most peaceful sleep she’d had in almost four months._

_She woke when it was getting dark again outside and realized she was alone on the sofa.  There was a shirt, undergarments, and sweats laid out across the back of the sofa and she dressed languidly, hoping that this meant things would start looking better for the two of them._

_She got up to walk through the apartment to their room.  Walking in, did a double take.  It was all wrong.  The room hadn’t been stripped completely, but there were things missing.  Worse yet, there were Clarke’s things missing.  She ran to the closet, throwing open the door.  She was unable to stop the wail that fell from her lips when she realized that most of her girlfriend’s things had been removed from the closet.  She noticed the medical student’s favourite sweatshirt in a heap on the floor and frantically grabbed for it, needing some connection to the girl she loved.  She curled up on the floor and sobbed._

_She had no idea how long she had been laying on the floor, crying out her despair, before a pair of arms were wrapped around her, gently cradling her head and peppering kisses across her face and head.  The law student felt herself be pulled up and into someone’s lap.  She pushed against it – there was only one person whose arms she wanted to be wrapped up in – until she heard a gentle voice attempting to calm her down._

_The law student’s head flew up, accidentally clipping the younger girl on the chin and jerking her head back.  Before she could stop herself she scrambled up and threw her arms around the younger girl’s neck._

_Clarke felt her girlfriend’s head hit her on the chin and, before she had a chance to do anything, she felt herself be tackled to the floor with the other girl’s arms wrapped around her neck in a vice grip.  She wouldn’t have been able to get her off of herself even if she had wanted to._

_They sat like that for an undetermined amount of time.  Neither of them paid attention to a clock and they didn’t exchange any words.  They stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, clinging desperately to each other, trying to absorb as much love from the other as they could._

_Clarke eventually noticed that her girlfriend’s stomache was rumbling and remembered the food that she brought home.  She slowly moved to pull herself up off the floor, only to have the girl in her arms whimper and scramble to hold onto her more desperately.  Sighing softly, she braced herself and stood up with her girlfriend still in her arms.  Cradling the girl close to her chest, Clarke placed one hand under Lexa's butt and the other supporting one knee wrapped around her waist.  Lexa kept her face pressed as close as possible into the blonde's neck, inhaling her scent and finding comfort in the closeness._

_Walking into the living room she gently leant down to place the girl in her arms on the sofa.  Lexa whimpered again and tried to keep a hold of her.  Gently, Clarke reached her hands up to unwrap her arms from around her neck.  Before Lexa could start crying again, she pressed her lips to the older girl’s forehead calming her down and explaining to her that she was only going to get their food._

_Feeling that her girlfriend was walking back towards her, Lexa uncurled herself from the sofa and sat up.  She ran her hands down her face, knowing that she had to look miserable at that moment but unable to help herself.  She could still remember the fear gripping her heart when she noticed the younger girl’s stuff was all gone when she woke up._

_The anxiety built up in her chest again and she couldn’t breathe.  She looked around frantically, desperate to know that she hadn’t just imagined the girl back.  She looked up as soon as the medical student put the plate of macaroni-and-cheese in front of her and reached down immediately to allow her to curl back up into her side.  Lexa sighed contentedly, feeling the love wash over her.  She reached up quickly and placed a soft kiss on the underside of her girlfriend’s chin before reaching forward to grab the plate of her favourite comfort food sitting on the table and snuggling back into the cocoon of warmth at her side._

_She hummed contentedly at the warm taste that exploded in her mouth.  She ignored the fact that the younger girl wasn’t eating anything and found comfort in the light kisses she was pressing into her hair and the hand that was running whispers lightly up and down her right arm._

_They stayed snuggled together like that long after Lexa had finished her food.  Both of them were aware that neither of them had done anything productive all day, but they both believed that this situation warranted immediate attention._

_Lexa eventually couldn’t control her bladder anymore and had to get up to go to the bathroom.  She pressed a quick kiss on her girlfriend’s lips before running into their restroom with a calm smile on her face.  She heard Clarke get up from the sofa just before she closed the door._

_Walking out of the bathroom Lexa heard the water running in the kitchen and walked right in, wrapping her arms around the other girl’s waist from behind and resting her head between her shoulder blades.  She felt trembles running through Clarke’s body and tried to comfort her by running her hands in circles over her toned stomache and pressing kisses across her shoulders and along the back of her neck._

_When Clarke was finally done with the dishes, she turned around in her arms and Lexa immediately placed a kiss on her lips.  Clarke hummed into the kiss and pressed herself closer to the green-eyed girl.  They kissed for a few minutes, Lexa pressing Clarke into the counter and pulling their bodies flush against each other.  Eventually, Clarke pulled back and looked into the expressive green eyes in front of her.  She couldn’t help the small smile that made its way across her face – as much as Lexa was closed off, stoic, and mysterious to other people, Clarke could read her eyes as though they spoke only to her._

_The blonde placed one more gentle kiss on the law student’s lips before grabbing her hands and pulling her back into the living room.  Lexa inhaled sharply when she noticed the duffel bag sitting against the wall and a look of abject fear crossed her face in realization.  Her head whipped around to look at the younger girl’s face but Clarke blatantly avoiding eye contact.  Lexa felt Clarke lead her to the sofa and sit her down, and she still couldn’t tear her eyes from the other girl’s face._

_Clarke sat down silently next to her girlfriend, wringing her hands together in her lap.  What happened on the couch earlier felt like a goodbye and the medical student couldn’t deny it no matter how much she wanted to.  She felt more than heard her partner’s breathing getting more erratic and didn't stop herself from turning to try and calm her down.  She should have expected the tears in her eyes, but they still threw her for a loop._

_Lexa saw Clarke struggling with whatever was going through her head and knew immediately that this might be it for them.  Try as she might to keep her breathing under control, she just couldn’t.  Her breathing got erratic and her heart starting beating like crazy and she was started to see black spots in her field of vision.  Lexa felt the girl next to her turn and gently place a hand on her shoulder and the other on her chest.  She heard Clarke asking her to calm down and to follow her breathing.  Eventually the other girl grabbed her hand and gently placed it over her own chest.  Lexa felt the heart under her hand flutter a little bit before going steady again.  The steadiness of the girl next to her calmed her down almost immediately._

_Once both of them were calmed down, Clarke slowly pulled herself away from the other girl.  She looked away again, unable to handle the longing gaze the green-eyed girl was throwing her way.  She didn’t want to do what she was about to do, but she didn’t know what else there was for her to do.  Everything had been broken for so long and it was just going downhill.  She had no idea how they were supposed to try and move past this, and she couldn't convince herself that she deserved to work on it.  As much as she wanted to she just couldn’t stop playing her girlfriend’s words again and again, reliving each one of her worst nightmares.  She knew that she was broken because of her past, she knew that no one else deserved to have to deal with her shit, and she knew that she shouldn’t have made Lexa have to deal with it.  No one deserved that no matter what.  Lexa deserved so much better._

_She told her as much, too.  Taking a deep breath she said, “Lex.  Lexa, you know I love you.  You know that I would do anything and everything in my power to keep you safe and happy.”  She finally turned to be look at her girlfriend’s face and wished she hadn’t.  The pain written across her features was crippling.  She pushed on. “The past few months have been so hard on us.  We both put our schoolwork over each other and we stopped working on us at all.  We should have kept communicating and we should have been there for each other.”_

_Clarke put her head down again and swallowed the lump that was building in her throat.  “I should never have put my hands on you the way I did, and I can never apologize enough for that.”  Putting her hand up, she stopped whatever argument Lexa was going to make.  She continued, “More than that, though, I shouldn’t have pulled away from you the way I did.  I know I let my issues into our relationship and they shouldn’t have been thrust on you like that.  You didn’t deserve any of it, and I’m just so sorry.”_

_Lexa’s head shot back over to look at her girlfriend at the sob that fell through her lips.  She could count on one hand the number of times she had seen the younger girl cry in front of her in the four years they had known each other.  Her heart hurt at the pain written across the face of the woman she loved, and she watched the emotions run across her face as she kept talking, “I know what happened last night was because I pulled away, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that as well.  I pushed you into Costia’s arms and then accused you as if it was your fault.  It was wrong of me.  I know you need friends who will do things with you and you need someone on your own level.  You don’t need to be weighed down by my shit and I know that, and I’m sorry that I tried to push that on you.  You deserve – “_

_Lexa cut her off right there, placing her hand over the other girl’s mouth.  “Shut up.  Please, just don’t.”  She pulled her hand away but kept eye contact with the bright blue eyes in front of her.  “Please don’t try telling me that you know what’s best for me better than I do.  I know what I want and I know what I deserve and that’s you.”_

_Clarke shook her head and looked at her girlfriend with a forlorn look, “Tell me you don’t wish we could do more things together.”  At Lexa’s silence she continued, “You don’t drink because of me.  You don’t go into crowded bars or clubs because of me.  You don’t stay out late at night because of me.  You don’t do half the things that you want to do because of me.  I can’t keep being the thing that stops you from doing what you want anymore.”  Lexa was about to argue and Clarke knew exactly what she was going to say, “I know you’ll argue ‘til your last breath that that’s not true, but we both know it is.  Babe, if it wasn’t true we wouldn’t be having the problems we’ve had this year.  You would’ve been here on Monday.  You wouldn’t have ended up with Costia last night.”  She held her hands up, “I’m absolutely not accusing you of anything.  I don’t blame you at all and I can't really hold that against you, but you and I both know it’s true.  You wouldn’t have gotten with Costia last night and you wouldn’t have said what you did this morning.”  The last part was a whisper but they both heard it loud and clear._

_The sob that fell through Clarke’s mouth was enough to break Lexa.  She hadn’t seen this girl cry more than once a year and here she was, sobbing twice within five minutes because of her.  If Lexa thought her heart couldn’t break anymore than it already had, she was wrong._

_Even worse?  She loved Clarke more than anything, but she couldn’t deny that some of these things were true._

_She knew without a doubt, though, that she didn’t want to lose the girl sitting next to her.  They had been together for almost four years now and she wanted to be able to stay with her forever.  She knew, though, that Clarke wasn’t trying to suggest this without thinking about it.  After everything they had been through the last few months she believed that Clarke really thought she was doing the right thing.  She searched her (ex?)girlfriend’s face and saw nothing but pain and heartbreak.  She reached over slowly and rested her hand on top of the pair currently trying to pick themselves apart.  She smiled fondly, remembering how hard she’d worked to try and get her past that bad habit.  Almost immediately, though, the smile fell off her face, realizing that she probably wouldn’t be able to help the other girl past this, or anything else, if she got bad again._

_“Clarke, please.  You have to know I love you more than anyone.”  Clarke looked over at her hesitantly and she kept going, “I don’t want anyone else.  Whatever happened with Costia was a mistake.  Babe I would never want to hurt you like that and I don’t want anyone else.  You’re the only one that I want or need.  I don't need alcohol, or friends, or parties, or loud and crowded bars - I need_  you _._ ” _Scooting slightly closer she turned the other girl’s head to meet her eyes again, “And don’t you dare say that I deserve better than you.  I would never be able to do better than you even if I tried.”_

_Clarke let out a choked gasp of a laugh at the older girl’s ridiculous comment.  Seeing her quirk her eyebrow in that way that meant business sobered her up immediately, though.  She searched deep into the green eyes in front of her and could see the honesty.  She knew how much Lexa wanted her to stay, but she could also see how much pain the older girl had been in for so long.  Lexa had cut off all of her outside friends because of her and that had added strain on their relationship as time went on._

_Knowing that she really didn’t have anything better to give the older girl she gently pulled her hands out from underneath the other girl’s and walked over to the duffel bag by the door.  She knelt down and unzipped it, pulling something out before walking back to the sofa and retaking her seat._

_Lexa started panicking when the younger girl got up and walked to the duffel bag, but calmed down when she walked back.  The blonde took her seat again and toyed with whatever was in her hand.  Lexa wanted to see but she was desperate not to push Clarke too far again._

_She gasped, though, when Clarke opened her hand and she saw the long velvet box.  The med student held it out to her and she slowly reached for it.  Opening it she couldn’t stop the long exhale as she eyed the necklace laying along the box.  The pendant in the middle was like the forehead piece of their favorite character, a young commander of 12 nations.  They both looked up to her as a beacon of strength and hope that any young woman could be whatever she wanted to be._

_She looked from the necklace back to her girlfriend a few times and finally noticed that she was toying with another thing in her hands now.  When Clarke finally looked up, she noticed that the other girl was looking at her intently.  Slowly she handed her the other box as well, this time taking care to explain what it was.  “It wasn’t supposed to be an engagement ring.  Neither of us is anywhere near the stage where we’re ready to be engaged.  Although, I’m going to have to cancel my order for that now,” she said with a harsh chuckle.  The sharp intake of breath from the girl in front of her caused her to shake her head softly.  Clarke had told herself that she wouldn’t try to hurt Lexa, as hard as it seemed right then.  “It was a gift for you, though, to symbolize our relationship.  The ring was for you; it’s made of the same wood as Alicia’s throne on the show.  Since I can’t wear jewelry on my hands I got the necklace made for me.”  She looked back up at her the other girl’s face, “They’re both yours now.”_

_Lexa inhaled sharply.  For one, Clarke had made herself a necklace to symbolize their relationship.  If there was one thing Lexa was absolutely certain she knew about the younger girl, it was that she detested anything touching her neck (with a few choice exceptions in very specific situations).  The fact that she was willing to wear a necklace for her made her heart throb all over again.  What added to that pain, though, was that the fact that Clarke was giving her both of them meant that this was for sure over._

_The law student looked up and searched the other girl’s face, trying to memorize everything about it.  Slowly she opened the small box in her hand and gasped – it was beautiful.  Looking at the ring, seeing everything it was supposed to mean whenever the more closed off girl got it made, knowing everything it meant that she was giving it to her now, the tears started streaming down her face again.  Lexa knew now there was no doubt that this was the end of them together._

_Turning back to the younger girl and seeing the emotions swirling through the depths of those blue eyes, she extended the box back to her, “Could you put it on me?”_

_Clarke heard the words like a knife to the chest.  They were airy, breathy, and weak – everything the speaker wasn’t.  She reached out slowly, maintaining eye contact, and gently pulled the ring out of the box.  Taking the older girl’s right hand, she picked out her middle finger and slid the ring in place.  She took a shuddering breath and raised the hand to her face, pressing a small kiss to the ring before allowing her tears to fall for the first time in years._

_Lexa’s breath caught in her throat when she felt the younger girl press the lightest but heaviest of kisses to the ring now placed on her finger.  She could do nothing to stop the sob that fell out of her mouth when she felt the first tear fall on her hand, though.  Clarke hadn’t truly cried since she was officially taken out of her last foster home thee-and-a-half years previous.  She spent her whole life trying to remain strong and never show any vulnerability and Lexa had broken her.  She would never be able to forgive herself for that._

_As much as Clarke wanted to pull away, she couldn’t.  Once the first tear fell the rest came pouring out.  She sat, crouched over, face pressed to her girlfriend’s hand, tears pouring down her face, and hated herself for allowing it to get this far.  She had known her entire life that love was weakness and nothing good would ever come out of emotional attachments, but she had allowed her heart to speak over her head when it came to Lexa and the family that they were a part of._

_Clarke felt a hand start running through her hair and a sob broke through whatever walls were remaining.  She hadn’t been comforted like this in years, save for the nightmares that came whenever she was stressed.  Never once had she thought that the girl next to her would be able to bring her to this point._

_Allowing herself to stay like that for a few minutes, knowing it was the last time she would ever let someone this close to her again, Clarke let all of her love pour out in the tears.  She needed the girl with the green eyes that she fell so madly in love with that she had become a part of her very being, but she couldn't keep holding her back.  Clarke had immersed herself in Lexa and in turn the older girl had seeped into her every pore.  Clarke was now just giving back everything she had unrightfully taken from her._

_Lexa’s whole body was hurting with this pain.  She felt a particularly painful throb when the girl in her lap choked out a last broken sob before sitting up.  Lexa saw the tear tracks down her cheeks and raised a hand to wipe them away.  She let out a wistful smile when the younger girl leaned into her hands before placing a kiss on her palms.  Before she knew what was happening, though, Clarke had pulled her hands away from her face and was rising from the seat._

_Clarke knew that she would have to take a leap soon and get up from the sofa.  She had to go before she fell any harder for the girl in front of her.  Standing up she walked over to the door and pulled her duffel bag up onto her shoulder and stood there for a second.  It was taking more energy than she had expected to open the door and walk through.  Her whole body was being pulled to the girl sobbing on the couch, but her mind was telling her that she had to leave.  Lexa would be better off once she left._

_Before she knew what was happening, she walked back to Lexa and bent over slightly.  She bent down until they were eye-level and raised the older girl’s face until she could see those beautiful green eyes again.  Despite the pain drowning in the tears cascading out of both eyes, they were the most beautiful things Clarke had every seen.  Gently, she pulled the other girl up while maintaining eye contact.  She smiled softly, hoping she could show all of the love behind the notion.  She raised her hands up to wipe the tears away, which proved to be futile because they started pouring out even more after that._

_She was caught off guard when the girl in front of her suddenly threw herself forward and into her arms.  She felt Lexa wrap her arms around her neck and immediately press her lips to her own.  It was a desperate kiss, an outpouring of all of the emotions neither of them were capable of saying in the moment.  They expressed apologies and condolences, memories wasted and memories to be had, all of the plans they had made and the things they hadn’t yet done, all of the things they were wanted to do together but never would – most importantly, though, they poured all of their love into the kiss._

_Lexa felt herself collapse in on herself when Clarke pulled out of her embrace and raced out of the apartment.  Even if she had wanted to she wouldn’t have been able to stop the gut-wrenching sobs that tore through her body.  She heard the door open and close and just cried harder.  She couldn’t get up, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t breathe.  She just lay there and felt her heart break and the shards scour through every part of her._

_Eventually she cried herself to sleep curled up on the floor, only to be woken by banging on the door and worried calling of her name.  Groggily, she managed to pull herself up and stumble to the door.  Seeing her sister and two best friends standing on the other side, concern etched into their features, she felt the dam break again._

_She spent the night crying to her family, explaining to them everything that had happened over the last few months.  They had known about the tension between the two girls but they had no idea that it had gotten as bad as it did.  None of them could believe what she said about hooking up with Costia, and Indra almost called her on it – she had always had a particular bond with the young medical student – but stopped herself when she saw the pain that Lexa was already putting herself through._

_The four of them spent the night together at the apartment – Lexa couldn’t stand staying there alone.  All of them failed to ignore the missing fifth member of their family._

_They sat in silence for a while and then someone started a light conversation and then that died out again.  Around 1:30 that morning Lexa finally fell asleep.  Not even that, she essentially passed out with her head in Anya’s lap, the older girl running her hands through the wavy golden locks._

_Time went on and none of them heard from the younger girl for weeks.  Anya, Lincoln, and Indra explained to Lexa that Clarke had called them that night and insisted that she needed their help.  They could all tell that Clarke wasn’t doing well either but she refused to answer any of their questions.  They all got anxious whenever a phone rang after that, eager to hear the voice they were all longing to hear again and terrified that they were getting a call that the girl was officially gone from the world._

_Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and everything started to bleed together.  To Lexa’s knowledge, Clarke hadn’t contacted any of them except for a condoling call when Anya was in the hospital after a particularly bad tour while on duty.  Anya wished Lexa had been there to hear from the younger girl, but she didn’t want to submit either girl to that heartbreak all over again.  She wanted to hate the medical student for putting her little sister through all of that pain, but Clarke was her little sister too.  She knew without a doubt that things had to be worse for her since she didn’t have a support system.  Clarke was obsessed with taking care of things on her own and that hurt Anya so much._

_All four of them wished she would reach out to at least one of them.  Lincoln got a message when he made it onto the police force and, Indra got a call when she was promoted to Lieutenant of her precinct.  Clarke had asked Anya not to tell the others that they were still in contact.  As far as anyone else knew, Anya hadn’t heard from Clarke save for a call after Anya’s accident.  She always sent flowers on birthdays and in congratulations for big things, but that was it._

_Lexa wished she could just hear her voice again.  She knew that the other three had gotten calls from the girl and she envied each and every one of them.  After four years, though, she had resigned herself to the fact that she would never be able to hear the melodious up and down of her voice, the way different emotions and thoughts were poured out in her overly articulate manner of speaking; the depth of the sound and the weight behind every word she used.  She would never again be able to have a conversation with her about the randomest shit in the middle of the night.  The more she thought about the fact that she would never be able to talk to her now-ex-girlfriend again, the sadder she got._

“And I moved forward with my life.  I decided that I couldn’t spend forever stuck in that time period and I had to move on because I owed it to both of us.”  Lexa looked at both of the brunettes sitting across from her, tears in their eyes and mouths open, “I met you two not long after that and I could never tell you how grateful I am that I met you two when I did.”

They sat in silence for a bit.  Neither Raven nor Octavia had any idea what to say to what they just heard.  Lexa had never told them about her past and who she was before they were friends.  Hearing all of this, knowing these new things about their mysterious best friend, they were able to understand her better.  So many of the things they weren’t able to puzzle out about the green-eyed brunette were suddenly starting to make sense.  It was a lot of information, though, to absorb all at once.

On top of learning about their best friend’s sad past, they got quite a bit of information on the mystery girl in their apartment.  Hearing all of the shit that that girl had been through and who she was made them hurt for her.  They both knew better than most that pity was rarely ever a welcome emotion and they refused to pity anyone.  No; in this case they had almost nothing but respect for the younger girl. 

She had one of the shittiest childhoods they had heard of, which was saying a lot considering where they both came from, but she had somehow managed to pull herself out of that and make it to the last leg of her medical education.  They really just wanted to be able to talk to her, because the more they got to know about her, the more captivating she became.  They had no idea what it would be like to make Clarke and Lexa spend time together, though, after all these years just because they want to talk to her.

The three flatmates sat around for a while, going over all of the information that had just been presented.  Raven was the one to ask the first question, of course. 

“Wait a second.  Costia.  Please tell me that’s not the Costia that you work with now?”

Lexa winced.  As much as she wanted to deny it, she knew she couldn’t.  She looked over at her two best friends and said, “We ended up getting an internship at the same law firm.  I couldn’t pass up this big of an opportunity, so yeah I do work with her now.”  Before either of them could say anything, though, she quickly said, “But absolutely nothing happened between the two of us after that one night.  We talked, I yelled, and I told her to stay the fuck away from me.  There’s never been anything between me and Costia.”

They stayed there for a while, deciding to take a break from the work that awaited them in favor of just talking about nothing and everything.  Around 2 in the morning, they realized that they should probably head to bed if they didn’t want to be zombies the next day. 

As the three girls walked into the hallway, they realized that Lexa’s bed was currently occupied by the girl that had quite possibly saved their lives.  Before Lexa had a chance to think about everything that had happened and retreat into a sad head space, Octavia excitedly jumped up and down, calling for all of them to have a sleepover in her room. 

They made their way into the youngest brunette’s room, Lexa borrowing some clothes to sleep in, and settled into her bed.  They had done this enough to know how they would all fit.  Raven laid on the rightmost part of the bed, allowing her leg enough room to stretch out.  Octavia usually lay between the two older brunettes, but tonight it seemed as though Lexa could do with a snuggle sandwich. 

Octavia placed her head on Lexa’s chest, smiling when the law intern wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer.  Raven reached down and intertwined their fingers on her other hand.  Lexa reveled in the feeling of being able to comfort these two girls.  She was aware that she sometimes treated them like her children, but she couldn’t help it.

Her mind wandered back to the girl in her own room, and she sighed.  The green-eyed brunette wasn't able to truly comprehend what she was feeling about the reappearance of the girl who still held her heart, but she could feel the pain of it start to seep into her body.  Octavia snuggled closer to her and Raven squeezed her hand, indicating to the law intern that she had tensed up.  She squeezed both girls back in response and decided to shut off her mind.  Lexa eventually drifted off to sleep, uncertainty swirling in her head.

           

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if certain aspects of this seemed off. I've never been in a relationship before so I don't know much about how they work. However, Clarke's reaction to what happened will come back and be explained in further detail, as will the downward spiral of their relationship. Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed Thank you for reading!


	4. Meddling Doesn't Always Wield the Best Results

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Octavia take up a side project: learning more about Clarke. But who knows how that's going to work out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really more of a filler. There's not as much angst in it as there was in the previous chapters, but I don't know if I'd exactly call it a happy chapter, either.

The three girls slept for a few hours, all three of them exhausted from the previous night.  From the initial run-in with the football players that sparked the rest of the night’s events all the way to finally hearing about Lexa’s history.  Raven was the first of them to wake up, which was odd, but her leg was starting to bother her.  She didn’t have a problem sharing a bed with the other two girls – they did it often enough – but the stress from the day before really took a toll on her body.  She knew this kind of discomfort didn't go away on its own, so she started doing her exercises.  

She stopped around 9:30AM, hearing someone somewhere outside of the room.  Looking over quickly, she noted that both of her flatmates were still in the bed, leaving only one other option of who was going through their house.  The aerospace engineering student carefully pulled herself out of the bed, making sure to keep her leg relaxed, and got herself decent to walk out to a stranger.

The brunette was surprised at the sight of their guest in the kitchen, seemingly making food.  She walked into the room and leant against the counter, knowing the other girl was aware of her as soon as she had walked in.  All the same, she gave a slight cough to announce her arrival and offered a small smile when Clarke turned around to wish her a good morning. 

“Good morning, Raven.”  Raven’s smile grew when the younger girl actually used her first name, “I wasn’t sure what you all do for breakfast or if you would be up in time for it, but I heard you stirring and decided to make pancakes, waffles, and toast.”  Seeing Raven’s confused look she elaborated, “I know, you all didn’t have this much stuff last night but I went to a store nearby this morning to pick up whatever I could.”

Raven just looked at the girl, confused as to how she did all of that stuff so early in the morning when she was completely dead to the world only a few hours ago.  She noted that the girl’s movements were incredibly stiff but she seemed to have treated herself for whatever wounds she obtained last night.  There was gauze on her face along with some butterfly strips, and her left arm was in a sling.  It had to have been beyond difficult for her to go out grocery shopping for them so early in the morning.  Remembering what Lexa had said about Clarke being able to take care of her own wounds, Raven decided to let the subject go for the time being.  She made her way to the bar stool and hauled herself up, giving the younger girl a big smirk when a plate of food was placed in front of her.  Getting a shy and reserved smile in response, Raven settled down some more and dug into the food.

They made small talk for a while.  Raven found out that Clarke was in her first year of medical residency at USC's medical facility, while Raven was there for aerospace and mechanical engineering.  She and Octavia, a psychology major, had coordinated schedules so that they had classes close to each other, which was why both of them were at school the previous night, and Lexa was working at a law firm down the street so they all met up at the school in the evenings. 

Raven did a lot of talking and Clarke was really good at asking questions without answering them herself, which Raven realized an hour later when Octavia finally got up and met them in the kitchen.

Clarke jumped up from her seat across from Raven and immediately went on with making the food.  Her body protested the constant movement, aching and groaning at every flexing of her muscles, but she ignored it.  She heard Octavia talk to Raven in hushed tones and ignored the fact that they were obviously talking about her (they weren’t as quiet as they thought they were).  She turned slightly when Octavia asked how she got the supplies that morning, "I went to the convenience store for some first aid supplies this morning.  I decided that making breakfast for you guys is the least I could do to thank you all for allowing me to stay here last night."

With a small nod, the med student put the plate in front of Octavia and backed up.  Octavia studied her face for a few seconds before nodding back and picking up her utensils.  They all got to talking about small nothings again.  Octavia and Raven both tried to get some information out of the younger girl, but she seemed hell-bent on not answering any serious questions.  They ended up giving more information than they received.

Clarke sat and listened to every story the other two girls had to tell.  She heard about how they met Lexa and how it took them forever to finally get her to open up to them.  She heard about fun stories and adventures that all three of them went on with Lexa’s friends.  Their groups mixed and they all became a family.  Clarke felt her heart give a single, painful throb at the mention of Anya, Lincoln, and Indra being a part of this new family.  She knew, of course, about all of this; she hadn’t lost track of what was happening in their lives.  Clarke did her best to make sure that she was kept up to date on their lives over the years.

She couldn’t be happier that they had all moved on.  Anya was recovered and no longer an active soldier, taking on more of an administrative role in the army and a parental role in their group, forming a special bond with Raven.  Indra had taken Octavia under her wing and Lincoln took her by his side.  They had been together for three years now and were more in love than ever.  Clarke smiled fondly at hearing that they were all content and happy with this new arrangement.

Before she could stop herself, Clarke whispered, “How was Lexa when you met her?”

It was the first real question they heard her ask and, remembering the story Raven and Octavia heard the previous night, it was probably the only information that the young blonde really cared about.  Octavia and Raven exchanged a long glance, considering what to say, how to explain to her the Lexa that they knew. 

The two girls traded off telling the young med student of the Lexa they had met almost four years previous.  They had been running through their park one day and came across the brunette sitting on a bench, alone.  For whatever reason they came up with, they approached the girl and somehow hit it off immediately. 

Octavia jumped in here and explained to Clarke that the three of them moved into the apartment together not long after that and were closer than sisters.  Having been separated from Bellamy for three years at one point in time, Octavia knew the pain of not knowing how someone you love is doing.  She leaned forward towards the quiet blonde and placed a gentle hand over Clarke’s, putting a soft smile on her face when the girl tensed at the contact, “She’s been good, Clarke.  She was in a sad head place when we met her and it took her a while to come out of it, but she’s in a good place now.”

Clarke nodded absently, choking down the emotions that she could feel building up at this.  She was more than happy that Lexa was doing so well, that she had managed to have a good and full life and she hated that she came back and messed it up again.

Not knowing what else to say and deciding that she had used up her welcome the young blue-eyed girl pulled her hand back from the other girl’s grasp and stood up.  She grabbed the dishes and utensils from in front of them and walked over to the sink.  Washing them quickly while ignoring protests from the other two women she turned around, drying her hands.  She saw them both sitting at the counter, looking at her curiously, and couldn’t come up with anything to say.

Raven and Octavia sat and watched the girl look around, lost.  It was obvious to them that she was really starting to feel out of place and uncomfortable.  They didn’t know what to say to her or what to offer her to make her feel better, so they waited until she did something.  When she did start moving, though, they wished they had thought of something better.

They watched her slowly walk back into the living room where they had missed the clothes sitting in a pile on the sofa.  At that point they realized that the medical intern was back in her own torn clothes from the night before and was still moving rather stiffly.  She was definitely not recovered from kicking ass.

She turned back to them when she reached the sofa and looked at them intently.  “I cannot possibly tell you how grateful I am for the help that you all provided me last night.”  She looked to the closed bedroom door, a pensive look on her face. She turned back to them, “I bought you some supplies and stocked your first-aid kit, as well as some accessories that might make your brace slightly more comfortable.  If there is anything else that I could possibly do for you all, I would be more than happy to do it.”

She stepped towards the door and Octavia jumped forward to stop her from getting there.  “Wait! You can’t just leave.”  Octavia looked at Raven, at a loss as to what to say.

Clarke turned back to them, confused, “Is there anything that you want me to do right now?”

Raven and Octavia exchanged a look, realizing that the younger girl thought they were going to ask her for a favor.  Raven stepped up to the girl and maintained eye contact, “Look, kid, we appreciate you getting us these things, but you really don’t have to.  You don’t owe us anything.  In fact, if anything, we owe you for saving our asses.”

Clarke shook her head quickly, regretting it immediately as her head started swirling and black spots immediately popped into her vision.  She had to take a second to catch her breath before her condition got too much worse.  She didn't have her inhaler with her and she could tell that she was about to start feeling the effects of that.  She needed to get the hell out of there before anything happened.

The medical student turned back to the concerned faces in front of her, “Ma’am I swear to you, you owe me nothing.  I didn’t try to help you with the expectation that you would have to repay anything.  Allowing me to come into your home and use your bed was more than I should have ever asked for.”

Raven made sure Clarke was looking her in the eyes when she said, “Dude, trust me, we know you weren’t looking for any favors last night.  We just want to help you out since you helped us out.  Those guys would’ve beaten the shit out of us and God knows what else – you saved us.  We just want to say thank you.”  She gave her a slight smile, hoping she could convey how much she really appreciated what the other girl had done for her.

Seeing the young mystery girl struggling with how to decline this again, Octavia spoke up, “Look, if you absolutely do not want to stay here anymore, at least let us drop you off at your place.”

Clarke got even more nervous at that.  She absolutely did not what them to know where she was living.  Composing herself she said, “That won’t be necessary.  However, if you could just tell me how to get back to school so I can get to my car.”

Raven gave her a knowing look, “Kid, you’re not really in any condition to be driving around.  Not to mention, Saturday traffic in LA is a bitch.  Really, we can just drop you off at your place.”

Clarke started to feel the pressure from these questions.  She really just wanted to get back to her car and sleep.  She didn’t want to out and out lie to these girls who were just trying to do her a favor, but she couldn’t let them find out the truth.  She went for a half-truth instead, “Actually, I have to get to work soon and my scrubs are in my car,” she gave a sheepish smile, hoping it was convincing enough for the braced brunette looking at her suspiciously, “I don’t really have time to go back and then to work.  I was just going to go to work straight.”

“You can’t really go around kicking ass and saving lives today, kid.  You’re not in much shape to be sewing people back together.”  Raven was starting to get seriously suspicious that she knew what was going on.  She had been in the same situation many times in high school when she was living in her own car.

Clarke didn’t have any energy left to handle this scrutiny anymore.  Standing up and meeting Raven’s eyes she said, “Ma’am I appreciate your concern but I assure you I’m fine.”  Turning to Octavia at that point she continued, “Thank you for the offer of a ride, but I can make my way back to campus.”  With that, she turned and started opening the door.

“Wait!” 

They all turned to see the wavy-haired brunette standing in her bedroom doorway, hair a little mussed and clothes slightly wrinkled, her expression somehow both empty but pained.  She walked to them slowly and stopped when she was in line with Raven and Octavia.  She looked at Clarke, wishing for her to make eye contact, but blue eyes avoided her own green ones at all costs.

She hadn’t seen this girl in four years.  Lexa had ached to see her almost every day for four years.  She’d be damned if she let her walk away now.  Especially if the other girl had nowhere else to go.  “Clarke, you can’t just leave like that.  You have to stay and at least eat something.”  She knew she was grasping with that (the younger girl hated breakfast; or, at least, she hated breakfast four years ago) but she was desperate for her to stay a little longer.  She had heard Raven and Octavia telling the stranger-girl about how they met and how Lexa had changed over the years and she wanted to be able to talk to her too.  It may be a horrible idea but she couldn’t control herself.

Clarke looked away sheepishly while Octavia and Raven looked at each other real quick before turning to their roommate, “Actually, Lexa, she made breakfast for us.  Your pancakes and waffles are on the stove.” 

Lexa looked back at Clarke, an aching pain in her chest: that was their breakfast.

Clarke couldn’t handle it anymore.  She looked at all three girls in front of her, absorbing as much about them as she could.  She had spent four years by herself and this was the most personal interaction she had had with anyone in that time.  Waking up in a bed that smelt so strongly of Lexa, of the woman Clarke still loved  with everything she had in her, brought all of her suppressed emotions to the front of her brain.  Clarke hated having to deal with emotions and she just wanted to go to her car, sleep, and avoid everyone for the rest of forever.

As swiftly as she could she pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket before scribbling her phone number on it.  She looked up and locked eyes with Raven, “I am unable to tell you all how much I appreciate your hospitality and care last night.  I don’t want to take up your space or resources any longer and I will take my leave.”  She looked between all three of them before extending her hand with her phone number, hoping the green-eyed law intern wouldn’t be the one to grab it.  “Please, if there absolutely anything that I could ever do for you, do not hesitate to call me.   I would love to be able to repay at least a little bit of what you all have done for me the last few hours.” 

They all looked at the young girl dumbfounded.  They hadn’t heard anyone speak that formally in real life and didn’t really know how to respond.  Before any of them could say anything, the girl was out the door and gone. 

Raven, Octavia, and Lexa stood there for some time, staring after the girl that threw a wrench in their lives and changed so much within only a few hours.  None of them would be able to deny that she had touched them, even in a small way, even after such a small encounter.

Of course, it wasn’t a small encounter for all of them.  Lexa could feel all of the old emotions rush back, seeing the girl go running out the door again.  She felt all of those emotions rush back at her and a weight started building on her chest.  Soon she couldn’t breathe and started getting lightheaded.  Her vision got blurry and she realized she was at risk of having a panic attack.  Before she could get away from her flatmates she fell to her knees, unable to stop the sob from tearing out of her chest.

The two brunettes almost jumped when the girl between them collapsed with a sob.  They had never seen Lexa react to anything like this before and had absolutely no idea how to deal with it.  They gathered their bearings and both bent down to collect the law intern into their arms.  Octavia reached under her to help her stand up and guided her over to the sofa.  It seemed like she only had the single sob in her body and the rest of her tears streamed down her face silently.

Raven and Octavia looked at each other, at a loss as to how to comfort their usually stoic friend.  Eventually, Raven reached over and placed a hand on her back.  That seemed to break Lexa out of whatever trance she was stuck in and she turned to look into Raven’s eyes.  The brunette mechanic felt her heart clench at the pain in her best friend’s eyes.  There was so much swirling around in their depths and she had no idea how to help her.  Slowly, she reached out and wiped the tears away.  Lexa took a shuddering breath and looked at Octavia.

The blue-eyed girl gave her friend a small, sympathetic smile, understanding that she was feeling a certain pain that they wouldn’t be able to relate to at that time.  She reached forward and pulled the older girl into her and allowed her to snuggle into her side.  Octavia felt Lexa rest her head on her chest, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to keep her close to her. 

The three of them remained on the couch like that for a while, snuggled together and trying to comprehend what the hell happened over the last twelve hours.  While they were sitting there, both Octavia and Raven finally fully realized the fact that they had almost been attacked and assaulted, almost become victims of the same statistics that they worked so hard to fight.  The girl that ran out of their apartment an hour earlier had literally saved their lives and they had let her think that she owed them favors.  They had treated that girl like shit in the beginning and all she had done was save their lives.  Both of them could feel the guilt start to weigh down heavier on them.

They resolved at that moment in time to help the younger girl out.  They wanted to help get her to a place where she didn’t think that merely staying in someone’s room for a night meant she owed them her life.  Where she could admit to them that she was living in her car and ask for some help.  Where they would actually be able to learn something about her because they had no doubt she was an amazing person.

The two brunettes also wanted to help the stranger-girl out for the girl currently snuggled up between them.  In the four years that they had known the law intern, they had seen her cry only a handful of times.  She always seemed very adamant on the idea that emotions showed weakness and vulnerability could break someone.  They had all assumed that that came from being a law student (everyone knows how ruthless lawyers can be) but knowing her story it all made sense.  She didn’t want to get close to anyone again only to have it snatched away from her with no warning.

They managed to get Lexa up and into the kitchen to eat breakfast eventually.  They all fell back into their weekend routine and spent the day working and studying.  Lexa’s job at the law firm was still very new so she had a lot of tedious work to get done.  Raven’s classes were all very technical at this point and each assignment required hours of focus at a time.  She was able to get some time in to tinker on her big project, though, and she was forever grateful.  Octavia spent most of the day training, knowing that she had to be in shape for the big meet the following week.  As a member of the school track team, she had to stay in shape and work to be constantly improving herself.

Saturday nights were usually nights when their friends invited themselves over.  That night, however, none of them were really in the mood to socialize.  Raven called Jasper and Monty to tell them they weren’t going to be available that night while Octavia took care of Bellamy and Lincoln.  She told Bellamy a lot of nothing with the promise of explaining things later, but his overprotectiveness caused him to lash out at Octavia about hiding this new person from him.  Refusing to deal with his shit again, she hung up on him and called Lincoln, who took longer to talk to.  Octavia knew at that point that he would take hearing about Clarke’s return personally.  He had told her about a girl from his past who was like a sister to him but never had a name to connect to the person.  He was still pretty hurt over her disappearing from their lives but that seemed to be this girl’s thing: leaving a massive impact on everyone she came into contact with.

She hadn’t managed to convince Lincoln to stay away that night and he showed up at their apartment with tentative hope in his eyes and a special spring in his step.  He greeted his girlfriend and the raven-haired girl next to her but headed straight to Lexa’s room.  If this was tough for him he knew that it had to be near crippling for Lexa.  None of them had really heard from the girl who disappeared in many months and they were all afraid of the worst.  Knowing she was alive and well, though, lifted a weight he didn’t know had been on his chest.

Eventually they all adjusted to the idea that this girl was out there but also such a big part of their lives.  Lexa opened up so much more to her flatmates after that and they got to see a part of her that they had never seen before.  She seemed more closed off but more available at the same time.  Neither Octavia nor Raven knew how to really think about these changes and they hoped that they were able to come up with some plans to really help them all out.

The two best friends finally managed to come up with something they thought would work and decided to set it into motion.  One day, about a month-and-a-half after they first met Clarke, Octavia pulled out the girl’s phone number from her wallet and dialed.  Raven was sitting on her bed, gnawing at a knuckle on her right hand while rubbing her knee with the other.  They sat and listened to the ringing phone, growing more and more anxious with each ring.  Just before they were about to give up and hang up, the phone clicked and a groggy greeting sounded through the speaker.

“Hey, Clarke! This is Octavia and Raven, from a few weeks ago?  You sound like you were sleeping, did we wake you?”

They could hear some shuffling, backing up their idea that they had interrupted the girl’s rest, but prepared for her to deny it, “No no.  I was just getting back from work.”  Yep, she was definitely sleeping.  “What can I do for you, ma’am?”

“Well you can start by not calling us ‘ma’am’!”  Raven joked.  She didn’t need to feel any weirder than she already did.

“My apologies, Raven.”

Octavia and Raven exchanged incredulous looks at the abnormally sincere apology.  Raven spoke up first, “Well we wanted to check and see how you’re doing?  You had hurt yourself pretty bad last time we saw you…”  She trailed off, not really knowing what else to say.

They received a cautious answer, “I’m fine, Raven, thank you for asking.”

“Did your arm heal okay?  We hope you didn’t have any trouble at work or anything.”

“It wasn’t a problem at all, I can assure you.  The ribs and shoulder are almost healed and they never posed a problem at work.”

They wanted to get to the point before it got too awkward, and Octavia decided to bite the bullet, “We were hoping we would be able to cash in on that favor now?”

They both felt incredibly guilty at how eager the younger girl sounded at being able to pay back whatever debt she thought she owed them, knowing that they were going to spend some time lying to the poor girl who just wanted to do some good.  They asked the girl to tutor Octavia in Organic Chemistry and History of Human Diseases, having heard that the girl had been like a prodigy at USC and needing as much help as she could get with finals coming up.

They spent a few weeks meeting up with the girl at coffee shops or other public areas on or around campus.  She never seemed to be willing to talk about herself or anything personal, but, from what they could tell, she was starting to actually like them.  Their first few meetings were tense because the girl was actually pretty intimidating; she was like a genius with everything she knew.  She could talk to Raven about different engineering things and of course she could talk to Octavia about the body as if the knowledge just flowed through her.  All three of them were regular gym monkeys too, so they always managed to have a good conversation about whatever their latest workout was. 

Clarke had no idea when she started enjoying the company of the two friends.  She tried to remain as closed off as possible and not get attached to them, knowing that would only lead to bad places, but they managed to make their way under her defenses. She found herself actually smiling at the things they said and admiring the special relationship they had with each other.  She hadn’t seen something like that since – well it had been a while.

After about a month she got a call from the two as she was coming off a graveyard shift in the Emergency Room asking to meet them at their apartment.  She hesitated.  She had been trying to avoid running into Lexa as much as possible, not prepared to have to interact with her more.  After assurances that the law intern would be at work all day she agreed to go right over.

Both Raven and Octavia shot up off the sofa when they heard the knock on the door.  It had taken them a long time to get their plan moving along and they couldn’t wait to see how it played out.  They made sure that Lexa would be gone and wanted Clarke to start feeling comfortable in their home.  The two girls had managed to ascertain that the young one was actually living out of her car and Raven hated it, having lived in her own car on and off for a year before meeting Octavia.    

Clarke gave the two brunettes a small smile before they allowed her into the apartment.  She was nervous to be back.  With her luck, Lexa would be off work early and end up back home while she was still there. 

Luckily that didn’t happen.  They spent almost four hours going over different subjects and working on different assignments.  Before they knew it, all three of their stomaches were growling.  After a particularly loud growl they chuckled and decided to stop for the day.  Raven and Octavia would both have to get to school soon and Clarke looked like she might knock out at any moment.  She tried to just pack up and leave but Raven and Octavia insisted that she stay for some food. 

Clarke was insistent that they didn’t owe her anything for helping them out – this was her paying them back for helping her that night.  They were insistent, however, and she found herself actually enjoying their company.  It was refreshing seeing the two girls interact so much.  The intern did her best to not interact with anyone in her classes and remained purely professional with her coworkers at the hospital.  Watching everyone around her make friends and form bonds with each other made her wish she was different sometimes, though. 

They ate a pizza while lounging before Clarke announced that she would have to leave to get some rest before her next shift.  They realized at that point that they had called the girl at an incredibly inconvenient time.  They apologized profusely for not realizing how exhausted she probably was and she waved them off with a small smile, blurting out that she actually enjoyed it.  The stoic young girl regretted it the minute she admitted it, beating herself up internally, but she couldn’t help but be warmed at the giant grins that split the faces staring at her so happily.

They continued this for another few weeks.  The three of them would meet up a couple of times a week and work on something or other whenever they were sure Lexa wouldn’t see them.  Clarke was avoiding her for her own reasons and Raven and Octavia had their plans that couldn’t be messed with.  They both knew without a doubt that the two stubborn girls missed each other; Clarke would steal glances towards Lexa’s bedroom door whenever she was at their place and Lexa was more than spaced out lately.  She would talk a lot more about different memories she had with Clarke and their family when they were younger and she started talking to Anya and Indra about her too.

Lincoln and Lexa had gone off one time to talk and both had come back with tears in their eyes.  They had refused to tell anyone what they had talked about, but they had exchanged a long, knowing look with Anya and Indra and all four of them had nodded before moving on.  Raven and Octavia hoped with everything they had that their plan would work.

They were desperate to bring this girl into their family.  She obviously belonged and they all loved her already.  They were trying to get her comfortable with knowing the two of them before throwing her back at the other four.  Obviously there were some emotions still there between them all and it would be cataclysmic when they all met up again. 

One day, about three months after they first called Clarke for help, they were sitting in Raven, Octavia, and Lexa’s living room, books discarded and ignored on the table.  They were just sitting around, eating pizza and talking about random stories from when they were all kids.  Octavia talked a lot about what she and Bellamy did when they were still with their birth mother and then how she became friends with Jasper and Monty in the foster system.  Raven talked about how she would make things go boom to scare her mom while she was high on whatever drug her then-boyfriend was supplying and the fun she had while she was in her car.  Clarke didn’t really share much when they had these conversations and Raven and Octavia didn’t push, knowing that Clarke was an exceptionally private person and not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

The two flatmates were in the middle of a funny story of some prank they played on Lexa at one point when their plan was thrown completely off balance.  They had banked on Lexa running into Clarke in their apartment on _their_ terms and therefore only invited her over when they thought the brunette law intern wouldn’t be around.  That day, however, the front door burst open and Lexa came in more irritated than they had seen her in a long time, “Son of a bitch, Costia just wouldn’t let me leave early.  I don’t understand why she won’t just – “

Everything froze and tension sizzled through the air when green eyes met blue.  No one knew what to do or what to say and the two conspirators whipped their heads back and forth between the two girls in front of them who seemed extremely oblivious to their existence in that moment.  They looked at each other and were at a loss as to what to do.  This was not part of the plan and now they would have to wing it.

Before anyone had a chance to say anything, Clarke turned back to the table and started throwing all of her stuff in her backpack.  She quickly looked at Raven and Octavia, who were staring intently back at her, before saying, “I’m so sorry, guys, but I just remembered that I have a…thing… that I have to take care of and I really have to go.”  She stood up and pulled her bag onto her shoulders, shooting a glance at the girl still in the doorway before she was able to stop herself.  “I’m more than happy to finish helping later if you all still need it.” 

Before either of them could say anything the other girl was making her way towards the door with her head down.  None of them expected Lexa’s hand to shoot out and grasp the fleeing girl’s arm before she was able to make it out the door, but that’s exactly what happened.  The tension around them grew exponentially and both Raven and Octavia felt as though they were intruding on a very personal moment.

“Stay.  Please.”

They stayed like that for a while, staring into each other’s eyes, thinking about all of the things they had missed with each other over the years.  Clarke knew of all of the ways she could mess up whatever life Lexa had built for herself with Costia (she ignored the pain in her chest at hearing Lexa mention her name again) and wanted to avoid vulnerability while Lexa couldn’t stop thinking of everything she wanted to say to the other girl.  How she wanted to tell Clarke about everything she had missed, ask her why she talked to everyone but her in the last four years, why she hadn’t blamed her for ruining what they had, if Clarke had forgiven herself for being who she is.  They looked at each other for many minutes before Clarke slowly pulled her arm from the other girl’s grasp.  She gave a slight nod to the two girls standing off to the side and ducked out of the open door without looking back.

Lexa looked after her, feeling a pain in her chest that was becoming all too familiar.  She looked at her flatmates for a few seconds and just walked to her room.  She didn’t have the energy to deal with what the fuck just happened.

Octavia felt so bad.  She had wanted things to work out according to her plan and she should have known that things don’t happen like that.  She was beginning to think that they should never have tried to bring the younger girl into their group because there were bound to be tensions between everyone.  She knew the devastation that was in Lexa’s voice when she had told them her story all those months ago couldn’t be faked and she felt guilty as hell for bringing it all back.

Raven was not in any better of a situation.  She couldn’t help but think that they may have done more damage than good with this move.  The mechanic absolutely did not think that they shouldn't have tried to fix things between Lexa and Clarke, but they should have organized things better for if something like this were to happen. They were going to have to do some serious damage control to fix whatever just happened.

Raven sat on the sofa and waited for Lexa to come back out while Octavia paced around while trying to get a hold of Clarke.  When they didn’t get a hold of her over the phone Octavia got worried.  They both knew that the girl was always ready to answer her phone, afraid of an emergency.  She was a practicing medical intern and knew that every phone call could bring urgent news.  The fact that she was most likely ignoring her calls was not helping in the slightest to ease Octavia’s guilt. 

After a couple of hours, the blue-eyed brunette could no longer sit around the apartment waiting for Clarke to answer the phone.  Octavia knew that Clarke’s shift didn’t start for another three hours (unless the girl went in early) and decided that she would try to hunt her down.  They had realized over time that the young girl spent most of her spare time around the college campus so it was fair to assume that she had her car parked around there.  Neither of them had any doubt that their newest friend was living out of her car and they were desperate to do something to help her. 

Raven used her computer to locate her phone from the GPS signal it was sending out.  She made a mental note to get Monty a gift for helping her with her hacking skills.  She gave Octavia the general location of where her car would be parked (a sleek, black 1987 Chevy Chevelle that Lexa informed them was her pride and joy; her father had left it for her before he died) and the younger brunette practically bolted out the door.

“Where’s she running off to?”

Raven jumped a little, startled by the voice that appeared out of nowhere.   She turned to see the tired looking brunette in the doorway of her room, leaning against the wall.  Raven looked over her quickly and noticed that, while her stance said that she was relaxed, the tension on her face and the clenching of her hands and jaw said that she was anything but. She contemplated what she was going to say to the other girl, hoping that she could do something to calm the situation down.

“Clarke hasn’t answered any of our phone calls since she ran out of here and Octavia got worried.  She’s going to stop by and check on her.”  She spoke as softly as she could, wanting to keep any of the weight that she knew would be behind her words from hurting her other best friend.  Seeing Lexa take a very deep breath, though, she knew she would fail at that no matter how hard she tried.

“You know where she lives?  How long have you guys been…hanging out?”

Raven studied Lexa’s face as she responded, “Well, we asked her for help in some of our classes, seeing as the girl is practically a genius.  We just wanted to get to know the girl who meant so much to you and we ended up actually getting along.  We wanted her to open up a little bit before we tried to throw you both at each other.”  Raven blatantly avoided answering the other part of the question, hoping to be able to get away with not saying anything.  She was wrong.

Lexa’s cocked eyebrow and knowing look were more than enough to tell Raven that she had to answer the whole question.  “We don’t necessarily know where she’s staying exactly, but we know that she’s been staying in her car and she keeps that around campus.”

Lexa’s breath hitched at that bit of information.  She had hoped beyond hope that the younger girl hadn’t ended up in a shitty situation again, but that’s exactly what had happened.  She hated it.  The guilt swirled in Lexa's belly full force again, and she had to join Raven on the sofa before she collapsed under the weight of it.

Octavia drove her car slowly around the school, eyeing all of the parking lots around the campus and striking out at each one.  After one round she made her way through each parking lot on campus.  Eventually she found the car in the back corner of the parking structure at Downey Way and McClintock Ave.  Octavia made her way over, hoping she would find the girl actually in the car and groaned when she struck out.  No one was there and it looked like no one had been there in a while.  Reserved to the fact that she wouldn’t find the young one there, Octavia turned back to her car while dialing Raven’s number.

Before she could put the call through, though, her attention was caught by a form leaning against the passenger side of her car.  She released the tension that had built up throughout her body, more than relieved to see that the girl she had been looking for was safe. 

Before she could think of what she was doing she had run over to the stoic girl and wrapped her in a giant hug, forgetting that the other girl didn’t like physical interaction.  As soon as she felt Clarke tense up, Octavia pulled back abruptly and apologized profusely.  She stopped when Clarke raised a hand, though, and they both exchanged the smallest of smiles.

“We were worried sick about you.”

“Why?”

Octavia looked incredulous.  “Kid, Clarke, we may not have known you for super long, but we do care about you.  You disappeared today and didn’t answer any of my phone calls.”  The medical intern at least had the decency to look sheepish for that.  “We were all just terrified that something had happened.”

Clarke just looked at the girl in front of her, unsure of what she was actually supposed to say or do.  It had been almost half a decade since the last time anyone had said that to her.  She wasn’t used to anyone caring about her. 

The two strong women looked at each other for a while before Clarke picked her duffel bag up from the floor and started walking towards her car.  Octavia didn’t know how to react or what to think – whether the other girl was trying to leave or just create some distance. 

The medical intern was stopped by a hand on her elbow and a quiet voice, “Please.  Don’t go.”  She turned to face the girl in front of her and she could see the anguish written across the blue-eyed brunette’s features.  “I know we barely know each other, technically, and we only met a few months ago, but please.  I – we can’t let anything happen to you.”

Octavia saw that the other girl was going to say something in defense and continued before she could, “I know, trust me, no one doubts that you can hold your own out here.  But Clarke, you don’t need to be here anymore.  You have people that care about you and we really just don’t want to see you struggling.”

Clarke studied the girl in front of her, looking for any sort of deception on her face.  As much as she wanted to deny it, Octavia seemed to be sincere.  It had been so long since anyone had wanted to include her in anything and she didn’t know how to handle it. 

Octavia waited and watched patiently as emotions flew across the other girl’s face.  She was usually a closed book, an industrial bolt and a brick wall behind her eyes keeping everyone out, but it seemed that the day’s occurrences had put Clarke off her usual groove.  Octavia felt like she was invading the younger blonde’s privacy, more than aware that Clarke wouldn’t want her to know half the things her face was telling her, but she couldn’t help it.  It was the first (and possibly last) time she would be getting such a raw and honest response to anything. 

“Look.  We’re in no position to offer you a place to stay or a roof to keep over your head.  All we’re asking right now is for you to come back and we can all talk.”  Seeing the young intern perk up at that a little she said, “It doesn’t even have to be for a long time.  Raven just wants to see you and make sure you’re really okay.”

Clarke thought about it and knew that it was a bad idea.  This was the perfect recipe for a disaster and everything had the potential of falling apart if she agreed to doing this.  But she couldn’t stop herself.  She had grown attached to the two brunettes; she wanted to go see Raven one last time.  At the same time, she was terrified of seeing Lexa again.  She knew that she wanted to go see the green-eyed girl again and she wanted them to talk, but it would never be able to happen.

“I have work in two hours so I have to leave soon, but I get off at 4 tomorrow morning.  I can come by around 7, if that works for you, ma’am.”

Nodding her okay, Octavia could only watch as the medical intern walked towards the car and put her bag in the back before getting in the driver’s seat. 

Raven and Lexa looked up expectantly when their front door opened.  They had been sitting in relatively comfortable silence, occasionally sharing random stories, but mostly stuck in their thoughts.  Neither of them really wanted to admit that they were eager to see the young blonde that had made such a dramatic entrance (or re-entrance, in some cases) into their lives walk through that door, and they both deflated slightly when Octavia walked back through the door alone. 

“She has to go to work tonight, but I invited her to come tomorrow morning around 7.”  Blue eyes looked at Lexa cautiously, unsure of where her best friend’s mind was at. 

The green-eyed brunette nodded absently and looked back at the floor.  None of them knew what they were supposed to say or how they were supposed to prepare for what the next day would bring.  They lounged there for a little while longer before going back to doing their work.  Octavia and Raven decided to eat whatever frozen food they still had sitting around, but Lexa wasn't able to work up an appetite at all.  

Lexa sat up against her headboard all night, unable to sleep with the stress of seeing Clarke again the next day.  The last two meetings between the ex-girlfriends had been on neither of their terms and this was the first time they knew they were going to see each other in four years.  She stayed up the whole night, writing out every thought that swirled through her head.  It was a thing they used to do when they were together, seeing as neither of them was too good at communication.  With this they could organize their thoughts in a way that they could understand them themselves and the other person would be able to understand as well.

The emotional reflection eventually wore her out, and Lexa eventually slumped over in her bed, cuddling the notebook and all of her memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that chapter! Raven and Octavia's stories will be explained further in future chapters, as well as how they met Lexa. Some of the story is already told in the first story I posted, "Ohana Means Family". Lincoln, Indra, and Anya will all come up more in future chapters as well.
> 
> I have to say, I just wrote one of my favourite parts of this story, but it's about 60k words away still and I'm almost tempted to just post it all at once to get there! But alas, I have a schedule to maintain. So I'll have the next chapter up on Monday. I hope you have a great weekend!
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	5. Meetings Never Go As Planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke meets some unexpected people, and things don't work out quite right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everybody who's left comments and kudos! You all literally make my day.

6:00 AM rolled around and everyone got out of bed to start getting ready for the day.  Lucky for them, they were used to waking up early to go to the gym before classes started.  Today they would just have a mental workout instead of a physical one. 

There was a knock on the door at 7:00 on the dot.  Raven rushed to the door, eager to finally see the girl.  Her face split in a huge grin at seeing the young blonde in front of her and she could hold herself back from giving her a huge hug.  Feeling the girl tense up and remembering that she didn’t like physical contact she pulled back, apologizing.  Clarke just gave her a small smile and waved it off.  She extended her arm wordlessly and Raven took a hold of the box that was there.  She looked at it curiously but moved on when the stoic girl gave her another small smile.

The two other flatmates were in the kitchen, watching Raven’s side of the interaction.  They wanted nothing more than to go see what was going on but held back.  Eventually, Raven led the other girl into the apartment and Octavia gave her a giant, welcoming smile.  Lexa’s breath caught in her throat, and she turned back to the stove. 

Looking back at the mini pancakes she was making there sent her back to a few months after she had met the blonde, the first time Clarke had made her these and how it had easily becoming _their_ breakfast food.  Her hands started shaking and she was struggling with flipping the pancake on the pan.

Octavia noticed the turmoil on Lexa’s face and saw the tremors running through her hands.  Gently she leaned over and placed her own hand of the one holding the spatula.  “Easy, babe.  There’s no pressure here and everything is gonna be a-okay.”  With a slight wink at the older girl she turned back to the two girls at the counter.

Raven and Octavia got busy asking the guest about how her shift was the night before and when her residency started. 

“Wait, so if you were on until four this morning, when did you even sleep?”

Clarke scoffed to herself at the question.  As if she would have been able to sleep knowing she had to come here.  To the others, though, she said, “I’ve always been able to manage on very little sleep.  It’s nothing new, really.”

It took some time but, with Raven and Octavia’s bubbly personality, conversation got rolling.  Clarke talked about being a paramedic before she started her residency and the other three talked about how they got to be in their respective jobs/fields of work.  The tension between Lexa and Clarke was more than enough to set both ex-girlfriends on edge for the whole time, but they really wanted to be able to get along so they remained incredibly professional. 

Clarke asked about how the three girls met and all three of them got very excited at that question.  Octavia and Raven had met when they were 14 and 16, respectively.  Raven had left her mom’s house the previous year and had been crashing in random people’s homes or her car for that time.  Octavia had just been taken in by Bellamy when they met, and Bellamy ended up letting Raven crash on their sofa most nights.  They both loved running and went to a park near the apartment regularly.  One day, about two years after they met, they ran past a bench and saw a lonely looking girl sitting there.  They approached her, started talking, and had been practically inseparable since.

Raven and Octavia had been out one night, not long after moving into Lexa’s apartment, and had run into some trouble.  Raven called Octavia out for “trying to be Wonder Woman” and save their asses from some drunk assholes harassing them.  At that point, some guy walked up to them, wearing a tight black shirt and black cargo pants that perfectly showed off just how ripped he was.  He scared the drunks away and turned around to check how the two brunettes were doing.  Octavia fell in love with Lincoln at first sight (“He was my knight in black cargo pants, after all”) and when they found out that he was practically Lexa’s brother, they all became a big family.

“Lincoln always talked about how there was one more member of his family missing, he just had no idea where she was.  I really never thought I would get to meet you, but I’m more than grateful that I have,” Octavia trailed off softly.  All four of them paused there, trying to comprehend what that really meant.  The girl sitting in their kitchen, talking to them for the last hour and getting to know them for the last almost four months was the piece missing from their family for the last four years.  They knew that Indra, Lincoln, and Anya had had interactions with her sparsely over that time, but Lexa had never once talked about her at all.  The gravity of the broken relationships all around them was hitting them hard and the air took a somber feel.

After a few minutes of heavy silence Clarke stood up, stating that she needed to get to work and that the others would have to be getting ready as well.  The other three girls stood up as she was turning to walk out the door (again) and were stopped by an unexpected voice.

“Wait!”

Clarke slowly turned around, not wanting to believe that Lexa had actually called for her to stop.  She had been virtually silent for the last hour, letting her two flatmates do most of the talking.  This was the loudest she had heard the other girl speak and risked letting her eyes meet the green ones burning into her skin.

Lexa felt a chill in her body when blue eyes met her own.  She had been waiting to see these eyes again for four months now, and the emotion building up behind them was going to overwhelm her.  She had no idea what she planned on saying or why she asked the other girl to stop.  Seeing her turn around and walk out the door again without known when, or even if, she would ever see her again just sent her into a panic. 

Before she could stop herself she started speaking, “Could we – We should – Would you – “  She huffed, irritated that she couldn’t get her words out.  She knew the others were looking at her, anticipating what she was going to say.  She’s going to be a lawyer goddammit, asking an old friend to hang out shouldn’t break her speaking abilities.  “What are you doing next weekend?”

Clarke was stuck.  Of all the things she expected the other girl to say, this wasn’t one of them.  Before she knew it, she had made plans with the other three girls to come back the next weekend after work.  She left the apartment in a daze, baffled at what had really just taken place.

Lexa stood in the kitchen, feeling her flatmates’ eyes burning holes into her face, watching her lost girl walk out of her front door again – except for, this time, Lexa knew that she would actually be seeing the blonde again.

* * *

 

Both Octavia and Raven hated that Lexa had been so good at avoiding their questions after the morning with Clarke.  They hadn’t had a chance to bring it up with her since Tuesday and it was already Friday.  Clarke would be coming over the next day and they still had no idea how their best friend was feeling about it. 

Raven and Octavia resolved to do whatever it took to get Lexa to talk about things.  They both got home before she did that night and prepped.  They had movies ready on the TV, pizza in the oven, and sparkling apple juice in the fridge.  They knew, without a doubt, that Lexa had a lot of feelings about what was happening in their lives – she had completely messed up her sleep schedule and was spending more time running in the mornings. 

When the green-eyed brunette walked in the door that evening, she wasn’t surprised to find her roommates already on the sofa in front of the TV.  They were tuned into the middle of season 6 of Dexter – all three of them were obsessed with the Doomsday Killer – and didn’t hear her walk in.  Smiling devilishly to herself, the law intern snuck up behind the sofa silently before jumping up and snarling at the two girls.

Their shrieks of terror sent Lexa into a fit of roaring laughter.  Tears built up in her eyes at the way Octavia jumped and fell of the couch, now laying in an undignified heap on the floor between the sofa and the coffee table.  Raven’s reaction had been less physical at first, but when she finally gathered her bearings she picked up the pillow Octavia had just violently un-snuggled from and started plowing at her best friend’s head. 

Things eventually calmed down and Lexa went to change her clothes before joining her flatmates in front of the TV.  None of them were particularly religious but all of them were extremely intrigued by different mythologies and lore, so Doomsday was easily their favourite Dexter serial killer (except for Dex himself, of course). 

“You’re a real bitch, you know that Lexa?”

Lexa just blew a kiss at Octavia while grabbing the bottle of sparkling apple juice from her outstretched hand, winking when she huffed and turned away.

All three girls were usually buried past their necks with work during the week so they always stayed in on Friday nights, determined to keep some relaxing time in their schedule.  Saturday nights were for going out or having some sort of social fun and Sunday nights were for preparing for the week.  Fridays were specifically for spending time with just each other.

They had made it through an entire episode of Dexter and were almost done with the pizza when Raven decided to broach the subject, “Hey do you think Clarke likes Dexter too?”

Lexa tensed, unprepared for the specific question but expecting something to come up.  She knew the other two girls were looking at her expectantly and sighed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to avoid this anymore. 

The two brunettes on the sofa watched as their flatmate on the love-seat paused the TV and turned in her seat so she could face them.

“Look, you guys have questions.  I get that and I don’t blame you.  Ask away and I’ll try to answer whatever I can.”

“Do you think Clarke would like Dexter too?”  Raven repeated, deciding to start easy and not wanting to overwhelm her best friend, knowing she didn’t like emotional conversations, but also wanting to prove to Octavia that she was right.  

Lexa felt herself deflate, grateful beyond belief that Raven had gone for an easy question to start with.  “I don’t know, Rae.  I haven’t talked to or seen Clarke in four years.  I have no idea what she would like.”

Raven didn’t like the sadness lacing those words.  “The Clarke that you did know four years ago, do you think she would dig watching Dexter with us?”

“Yea I think she would’ve.”

Raven shot a smug smirk at Octavia, who just stuck her tongue out in response, and leaned back into the sofa comfortably.  It seemed like her big question of the moment was answered.

Octavia was burning with a question that had been eating at her all week: “Are you mad that we’ve been spending time with her without talking to you about it?”

Lexa was sufficiently surprised at the fact that the two girls were asking super easy questions.  She had expected the two drama-loving girls to want more personal details from four years ago and what Lexa was thinking right then.  She was also very surprised at how meek Octavia sounded.  In the four years that she had known the other girl, she had never sounded meek.  Seeing the same sheepish look on Raven and realizing that both brunettes were avoiding her gaze she felt all the tension in her body dissipate.  She got up slowly and plopped herself down on the sofa between the others, ignoring their huffs as she moved them out of their cuddled positions.

Pulling both of their heads onto her shoulders she pressed a quick kiss on both foreheads before speaking, “I could never be mad at you two, you’re practically my babies.”  Happy to hear them both laugh with her lightly she continued, “Was I surprised to walk into the house and see her sitting on the sofa with you guys? Hell yea.  Was I hurt to learn that you guys had been spending time with her while she had been avoiding me and practically everyone else for four years? Hell yea.  But, O, I was never _mad_ at you two.  I was never mad at her either, really.”

Octavia sat up abruptly and turned to look the green-eyed brunette in the eyes, “We never wanted to hurt you.  Our intention was never to make you uncomfortable with stuff or to make you feel like we were going behind your back.”  Speaking a little slower so she could process what she was saying, “We really just wanted to get to know her because she meant so much to you.  We know everyone else from your life earlier, we wanted to know Clarke too because she had to be special to mean so much to you.”

Raven jumped in, “And we wanted to be able to figure out how to talk about you guys spending time together again.”  Opposite of Octavia, the smaller brunette snuggled deeper into the older girl’s arms, “We knew how much she meant to you and we knew that not having her in your life anymore was hurting you and we just really wanted to help.  It’s the least we could’ve done after everything you’ve done for us.”

Lexa closed her eyes as the girl in her arms trailed off and Octavia nodded vigorously in agreement.  “O, Rae, I never expected you guys to feel like you owed me anything.  Everything I’ve done for you is purely because you’re both so amazing and I love you.”  She chuckled slightly, easing the tension building in the room, “I don’t think I could’ve sounded more like a cliché movie if I tried.”  Smiling when Octavia chuckled at her and turned back into her arms, she continued, “Honestly, though, I really do appreciate what you guys tried to do.  I guess we’ll see how it goes from here.”

Both girls nodded and Raven got up slightly to grab the TV remote and resuming the show, snuggling back into Lexa’s arms.  She winked at Octavia, knowing how worried she had been that they had offended their best friend.

Lexa zoned out as she thought about the two girls in her arms.  She may have been only a little bit older than them but she was beyond protective; Bellamy and Lincoln liked to call her their Mama Bear.  They had both had really shitty situations growing up and were lost when they found each other.  The law student had been lost when they found her and when they let her into their little family she determined that she would never let anything happen to them again.  They really were like her babies and she wouldn’t trade them for the world. 

The three of them stayed snuggled up on the couch all night, Octavia’s head eventually ending up in Lexa’s lap before she dozed off.  Lexa kept her hand running through both heads of hair resting on her long after they both fell asleep.  She just couldn’t get her brain to turn off enough for her to relax.  She was remembering every beautiful moment between herself and the girl she was going to be seeing the next day, every hard time, and everything she had gained after they had split up. 

The more she thought about it, the more she understood what really happened.  They had both been burning out at the end, their school lives putting enough pressure on them separately that there was no way it wouldn’t have affected them together.  Had they stayed together the strain would’ve eventually become too much and who knew if they would have survived it.  What happened with Costia was the perfect example of that.  There had been a rift growing between the two of them and they both tried to ignore it instead of take it head on. 

Lexa knew without a doubt that everything that had happened at the end was 100% her fault.  She herself had pulled away from Clarke the most.  She knew that Clarke hid inside herself whenever something happened, and Lexa had ignored that and focused on herself.  It was one of the worst things she had ever done and she was still unable to forgive herself for any of it.  Lexa hated that she had let Clarke feel any sort of responsibility for their split over the last many years, but she had never been able to get into contact with the medical student.  Clarke had changed her phone number and Anya refused to give her the new one.  

She couldn’t help but be a little thankful that things had happened the way they had, and that thought brought tears to her eyes.  It had been four years and she was still stuck on the blue-eyed beauty, unable to form a proper relationship with anyone else; yet here she was, admitting that their split had been the best thing at the time.  But how could she not think that?  Had things not happened that way, she wouldn’t have ended up taking the internship at the Grounder firm.  The law student definitely wouldn’t have met her two best friends and flatmates, and who knows what would have happened to them.  Lexa cringed at the possibility of either of them resenting the other. 

Thinking about how they all came to live together always caused a particular pain to permeate through Lexa’s chest.  They had both been very outgoing girls who could make anyone feel comfortable with them, but they refused to allow anyone into their little circle.  Lexa had eventually spent enough time with the girls to realize that they were both in very poor situations.  Octavia was living in her brother’s house, who could barely afford to feed the two of them, and Raven would crash on their couch sometimes, when she couldn’t get to her asshat of a boyfriend’s house, that is. 

Both girls had essentially grown up without parents – Octavia’s mom had died when she was 11 and her brother was 18, landing her in the foster system for three years before her brother was deemed fit to take care of her.  Raven’s mom had been more interested in getting her latest fix of whatever drug that she was hooked on than raising her daughter.  When one of her mom’s many boyfriends tried to take a 13-year-old Raven as payment she ran out of the house and never looked back.  The two of them had found each other running through the park one morning and immediately hit it off.  Two years later, they met a girl who went by Lexa, sitting on a bench and looking lonelier than they had seen anyone look in a long time.  They stopped their run short and slowly made their way over to her bench. 

No one would be able to tell you how it made sense that those three girls eventually became best friends, but it happened.  Octavia and Raven eventually trusted Lexa enough to tell her what they had been through and Lexa had decisively not mentioned anything about her history with Clarke or Costia. 

She had promised the two girls that she would never allow anything to happen to them again and she was determined to keep that promise.  Lexa had her own place to stay at that point and the three of them made arrangements to where they would all be able to stay together.   Both Raven and Octavia were concerned about paying the law student for her troubles, but she had just kept repeating her promise to them of making sure they were always taken care of.  After Raven had shattered her knee in a track meet, rendering her practically immobile for four months, Lexa’s “Mama Bear” mode only intensified.  The three of them had stuck together and were 100% inseparable.

Lexa had succeeded in her promise until a few months ago, when all three of their lives were thrown up in turmoil.  She had run late in a meeting and was supposed to be meeting both girls after their evening class.  She ran across campus, trying to get to where she knew they would be waiting, not realizing that everything was going to change again.  Lexa thought back to the feeling of arriving at their meeting spot and seeing her two girls on the floor and the four figures off to the side, seemingly fighting to the death.  She had failed to be the one to protect the younger girls then, but whatever happened that night brought her ex-girlfriend back into her life.

Raven woke to a tickling sensation on her face.  As she gradually regained consciousness she became aware of the stiffness throughout her whole body.  Remembering what happened the night before, she realized that she had fallen asleep on the older brunette and could still feel her hand running through her hair.  She felt something drop on her face again and realized that Lexa must have been crying. 

Sitting up quickly, she turned to see Lexa’s glassy eyes looking into the distance.  Before she could think about it, though, her eyes focused and met her own questioningly.  It seemed the green-eyed brunette didn’t have any idea that she was crying and Raven felt her heart throb.  Slowly, she leaned forward and raised her hand to the other girl’s face.  She used her thumb to wipe away the tears there and gave a small smile at Lexa’s confused look. 

“What’s going on, babe?  Why aren’t you sleeping?”

She waited for a reply from the older girl, not knowing what to really expect.  Whatever she did think the other girl might say, it definitely wasn’t what did end up coming out of her mouth. 

“You two are so amazing and I really just can’t sometimes.”

Lexa was one of the most eloquent people Raven had ever seen, on or off TV, so for her to say something like that, there was definitely something messing with her head.

A voice from under them made them both jump, though, “Why are you two awake and why do you sound drunk, Lexa?”  Octavia gradually sat up, rubbing her eyes and stretching her body.  The pops that sounded through their apartment made Raven jealous that she couldn’t do anything like that anymore.

Lexa watched the two girls sit up and couldn’t come up with anything else to say.  “I just, I don’t know.  I’m just so grateful that you ended up sitting on that stupid park bench.”

Knowing the law intern well enough to hear what she was saying without actually needing her to say it, the other two brunettes just smirked before pouncing on her.  Both girls tackled the older brunette into the sofa, all three of them erupting into giggles. 

Lexa was more than glad that things had turned out like this.  She preferred the happiness of her flatmates to the gloominess of her own thoughts.  Their excited, childish giggling broke her out of her reverie and she felt a smile break across her face.  Laughing at the way they rolled around her like little kittens, she felt her heart healing over the wounds that had been hurting earlier. 

Octavia looked up at Lexa at one point, more than happy to see that the other girl was wearing a look of plain excitement and peace.  “What brought this on, babe?  Out of the three of us, you’re not usually the one that gets all sentimental in the middle of the night.”

Lexa couldn’t help but agree with that.  She nodded slightly at the two as they all sat up and caught their breaths.  “I was just thinking about everything that’s happened recently and how everything worked out.”  Making eye contact with both girls she said, “I wouldn’t change a minute of it, even if I could.”

The two girls looked at each other, in tune with each other enough to know that if they let Lexa continue all three of them would end up crying.  Instead, Raven decided to be a child, “Aww you really are just a big ol’ sap!”

Octavia joined in, “Seriously! C’mon, _Mom,_ I didn’t know you felt that way.”  The wink she threw at the older girl was what let her get away with that comment – not that Lexa could be mad at the two of them anyways.

They all laid back down on the sofa and went back to sleep eventually, wanting to be rested for what the day would bring.  The rose around 7:00 that morning and got started into their Saturday routine.  Octavia did breakfast while Lexa helped Raven with her leg exercises.  It made sense to the two younger brunettes now why Lexa was so good with the medical stuff.  Being in a relationship with a medical student who also happened to know hella martial arts probably made for very interesting nights in.

All three of them finished their work after breakfast since none of them liked leaving work off to the later part of the day.  “Get work done as early as possible and chill out for the rest of the weekend” is how they all got along so well (okay, so it’s one of the ways).  By 5:00 PM Lexa was becoming a ball of nerves.  She hadn’t expected that something like this would ever happen, that her two lives would meet like this, and she had no idea how it would play out. 

Octavia and Raven noticed their best friend get more and more withdrawn throughout the day as her nerves built up.  They couldn’t help but wonder if they had made a mistake in trying to get the two girls to talk, especially if it was only going to hurt the two girls. 

When a knock came at the door at 6:45 all three of them exchanged confused looks.  Clarke wasn’t supposed to be there until 7:30, and that girl was nothing if not exactly punctual.

Octavia went to door while Lexa stayed with Raven on the sofa and opened it.  Seeing her brother, boyfriend, and their other friends in the doorway she looked back at the two on the couch with wide eyes, “Fuck.”

The grins fell off the boys’ faces at hearing that.  “What’s going on?”

Lexa felt like she was going to puke.  There was no way she would be able to deal with so much all at once.  Raven noticed that the older girl was in no shape to get up and discuss anything with their surprise guests so she pulled herself up and hobbled her way to the door.  “Sorry boys.  We must have forgotten to text you but we’re actually busy tonight.”

Bellamy scoffed, “You’re literally sitting in your living room doing nothing.”

Octavia leveled him with a glare, “What our plans for the night are is none of your business, Bell.  We have things planned and they won’t work if we have people over.”

“What?  Are you guys doing a Ouija board or something?” Jasper shrunk back at the glare the blue-eyed brunette shot his way.

“Guys come on.  We haven’t been able to hang out in a month.  You can’t just keep blowing us off.”

Lexa heard Bellamy’s last desperate remark and sighed; he was right.  If there was one thing she had learned from her parents, it was that you don’t turn someone away from your doorstep. 

Raven was just about to tell the four boys in her doorway off and make them leave when she was stopped by a voice from behind her.  “He’s right.  They’re here now, we can’t ask them to just leave.” 

The two younger brunettes exchanged incredulous looks.  They knew without a doubt that Clarke would not be comfortable meeting so many people yet – especially with Lincoln there – there was no way Lexa hadn’t thought of that as well. 

Seeing their confused looks, Lexa turned to both girls, “We can call her and ask her if she can come by another time.”

Neither of them wanted to do that, but there wasn’t really anything else for them to do.

The four guys exchanged confused looks, albeit for a different reason.  Maybe the girls actually did already have something planned.

Lincoln’s eyes widened slightly.  Making eye contact with Lexa he asked, “Her?”

The boys didn’t know what he was asking, but everyone in the apartment knew all of the weight behind the one word.  They all looked at him and nodded, hating the way his face contorted slightly.

Bellamy, Jasper, and Monty watched the interaction and only got more confused.  There seemed to be something else going on that none of them were privy to, and they started to feel bad for interrupting whatever was going on.

Lexa eventually broke eye contact with Lincoln, not being able to handle the emotions building up between the two of them. She pulled her two best friends out of the way of the door and motioned for the guys to come in.  Seeing that they were all hesitating now she plastered a smile on her face and called them in.

All four friends in the doorway could tell that they had really shown up at an inconvenient time, but they really missed their friends.  Bellamy wasn’t wrong when he’d said he hadn’t seen the others in over a month; he wasn’t happy staying away from his sister for that long. 

Lexa let the boys in and watched as they walked through their apartment, comfortable enough to know exactly where to go.  Seeing Bellamy pull Octavia off to the side and Lincoln talk to Raven in the doorway while Jasper and Monty went straight to the kitchen, the law intern walked towards the back of the hallway to call Clarke.

Her heart beat harder and harder with each ring of the phone.  By the time the girl on the other line actually picked up the phone, Lexa could barely breathe. 

“It’s Clarke Griffin.  What can I do for you?”

The greeting was concise and professional, but had warm undertones.  It set the green-eyed law intern’s heart beating faster and she struggled to get words out.  “Hey it’s, uh – I’m sorry.  It’s…”

Raven had noticed Lexa go to the hallway and pull her phone out.  She knew that making this call would be difficult on the other girl so she decided to follow her and help her out, seeing as Octavia was stuck in a seemingly heated conversation with her brother. 

As she got closer, she heard Lexa start stumbling on her words.  She grabbed the phone out of her hands as the other girl trailed off and looked at her with wide eyes full of panic.

“Hey, kid, it’s Raven.  Sorry about that, Lexa got pulled into something else.”  Hearing the girl on the other side of the phone sigh she continued, “Where are you right now?”

“I’m just arriving at your parking lot.”

Neither of them had noticed how long they had been talking to the boys.  Lexa looked at her watch – it was 7:27. “Fuck.”

Raven’s stared at the other girl with surprised eyed – she rarely ever cussed – before going back to the phone.  “I really really hate to do this to you, Clarke, but something came up and we ended up having other people show up a few minutes ago as well.” Receiving only silence from the other end she continued, “We’d hate for you to have come all the way here only to turn around and leave, but we wanted to give you a heads up.”

Clarke took a deep breath.  She would be lying if she said she didn’t want to go up there and see the three girls she had initially planned on spending time with, but there was no way she was ready to see other people as well.  Not wanting to bail, however, she told Raven that it would be fine and that she would be right up.  As she rode up in the elevator, though, she felt her heart start beating harder and harder.  Octavia and Raven had mentioned to her in the past that they do get-togethers with their friends on Saturday nights and she had a feeling that Lincoln would be there tonight.  She wasn’t prepared to deal with so much all at once.

Octavia pulled away from Bellamy with a glare when a second knock came on the door.  Eyeing Raven and Lexa in the hallway, she made her way to the door and opened it with a smile on her face.

She saw the way the younger girl looked around the room carefully.  The blue-eyed brunette hoped that the look on her face was welcoming enough to calm her down a little bit, “Yea, it was a bit of a surprise to us too.  I was supposed to tell them we were busy tonight but I kind of forgot to let them know.”  She finished with a sheepish smile and was glad when the other girl returned it with a small but reassuring grin of her own. 

Octavia moved out of the way and allowed the other girl to come into the apartment.  She could tell that the amount of people there were overwhelming the younger girl and hoped that things wouldn’t go too poorly tonight.  After her conversation with Bellamy, though, she didn’t know.  Her brother always had been hotheaded in his protectiveness and she didn’t trust him to leave the poor girl alone.

Clarke went straight to the kitchen to put her box on the counter.  She had brought cookies from her favourite bakery, knowing how much Octavia and Raven loved all things sweet, and realized that she might not have bought enough.  As she was opening her container, she felt a presence next to her.  Looking up, she felt all of the air leave her body.

Lincoln stood there, tall, bald, solid, with tears in his eyes.  Clarke had expected he would be there, but she wasn’t really ready to see him just yet.  Slowly, she turned to face him and blue eyes finally met brown.  His eyes were full of emotion and she could tell how hard he was trying to not let them come pouring out.  One of her favourite things about Lincoln was that he had never been too self-conscious to show how he really felt.  It was rare to find men who didn’t think that emotions threatened their masculinity and it made her respect Lincoln all that much more. 

Clarke startled slightly when he stuck his arm out, but realized immediately what he was doing.  Slowly, tentatively, Clarke reached her own right arm out to clasp her hand around his forearm.  She hadn’t greeted anyone like that in years, and her body felt like it could collapse under the weight of everything crashing down on her. 

Lincoln wanted nothing more than to pull the girl in front of him into a giant hug.  He remembered how much she didn’t like physical contact before, though, and he figured she would be even more averse to the idea now.  Clasping his hand around her forearm, he hoped she would be able to understand all of the emotions he was pouring into that contact.

His breath hitched when she opened her mouth, “I promise, Linc, we’ll talk.  I owe you that and so goddamn much more.  We will talk – I just don’t think here is the place.”  He hadn’t heard that voice in years.  Talking to her over the phone was completely different; the beauty of the girl standing across from him was very much in her physicality.  The way she used her eyes to convey the meaning behind her words and change her voice to make whoever she was talking to comfortable.  She could change her posture to match whoever was around her and make sure there was nothing offsetting about her, and it made him extremely at ease in that moment. 

“Why not?  Do you have some super secret thing the rest of us can’t know about?  Not willing to let all of the skeletons out of your closet at once?”

Both of their heads whipped at the accusatory voice in the entrance to the kitchen.  Bellamy was standing there practically at attention and seemed to want to look intimidating.  He opened his mouth again and everyone knew that this conversation was going to go south and quickly, “You know, you remind me a lot of the types of people I used to pick up while working Vice.  What, exactly, do you have to talk to Lincoln about that we can’t all hear?”

Lincoln nearly snarled at the man standing there and Clarke placed a calming hand on his arm.  The contact seemed to surprise him enough to give her enough space to move in front of him. 

“Mr. Blake, I apologize if that sounded excludatory.  I was merely stating that there are some personal things that I know Lincoln would want to discuss and I don’t want to ruin the atmosphere of your guys’ night.”

His scoff set everyone on edge and the three women who actually lived in the flat made their way closer so they could hear what was going on.

“Please, you can drop the act.  I’ve heard enough about you to be able to figure you out.”  He started stalking closer to her and the tension that ran through the room doubled.  “You can’t just walk in and out of people’s lives when it’s convenient for you.  You don’t get to take advantage of my family just because you need something right now.  People like you don’t know what it means to have a family, and that’s not necessarily your fault, but I’m not going to let you, with your sob story of a shitty life and ‘pity me’ face, use my family like that.”  Clarke’s hand around his was the only thing stopping Lincoln from jumping on Bellamy and Octavia was about ready to pummel her brother to the ground. 

Bellamy seemed to notice the tension in the people around him and decided to tone it down a notch, but not without delivering a final blow, “Look, I don’t want trouble, and I don’t want to accuse you of being a con – I just want you to know that you need to be careful.  If I get even an indication that you’re trying to fuck with my family, you’ll have hell to pay.  I won’t let you screw with them just because someone fucked you – “

He didn’t get to finish that sentence before he was cut off by a fist in his face.  He stumbled back a few steps, surprised to see his own sister standing in front of him.  “You goddamn piece of shit.  Bell, you need to get your head out of your ass and get over yourself.  You have no right, no _fucking_ right, to talk to her like that.  I haven’t told you jack shit about her so don’t you dare try and make assumptions.”

He jumped up, ready to defend himself, but was shocked when he didn’t get the chance.

“No no please.  He’s right.  He has every right to be concerned.”  Everyone’s shocked eyes turned to the girl on the surprise trial.  The four that actually knew her had pained expressions on their faces, hating that the girl would feel Bellamy was justified in treating her like shit.  “He knows nothing about me and he’s only trying to look out for his family.  I can’t blame him for that.  It will take a lot to gain your trust, and I can’t argue with that.”  Looking at Bellamy she said, “You have every right and every reason to think that I know nothing about relationships because I was in the foster system.  You are completely right to think that I’m only here to move into your sister’s home because I live in my car.  And, of course, I’m going to try and take advantage of all of them because, well, what else would you expect from someone who’s been a victim of sexual assault from the age of 6 up? After all, people in those situations are always in the wrong and don’t know how to function in society, right?” 

Standing in that room you would have been able to hear a pin drop.  Bellamy had a shocked look on his face, realizing he had just had his ass handed to him for being an absolute shitdick.  The others hadn’t expected her to actually call Bellamy out on his comments and they couldn’t be prouder of her.  Jasper and Monty were sitting on the sofa in front of the TV, food sticking out of their gaping mouths, completely lost as to what the hell was going on. 

Clarke turned to the three ladies’ whose apartment she was currently standing in and took in all of their expressions.  Raven had a look of absolute pride on her face, mirrored in Lexa’s, albeit hers was slightly more reserved.  Octavia was obviously torn between wanting to hate on her brother and wanting to applaud Clarke for sticking his own shit back to him.  Everyone in the room knew that Octavia had been a part of the system for some time and that Raven had once lived in her car.  Using those as arguments for not trusting the stranger-girl in the apartment was absolute bullshit. 

Realizing that the evening really had turned out like nothing she had imagined it would be, the medical intern locked eyes with the green-eyed girl across from her.  She couldn’t stop her heart from fluttering at the emotions that surged between both of them at the contact.  “Ms. Woods, Ms. Blake, Ms. Reyes, I think I’ll actually be heading out now.  I have work early in the morning and I don’t want to cause any more trouble here.”  Walking closer to the door she said, “There’s a box of cookies on the counter in the kitchen.  I hope you enjoy them.”

None of them expected Lexa to grab her arm before she actually made it to the door, and they definitely didn’t expect her to pull the confused girl into her bedroom. 

When the two were officially behind the closed door Lincoln, Octavia, and Raven exchanged looks, all three of them nervous as to what that interaction would bring forth in the two stoic girls. 

Their attention was torn away with a cough coming from the living room.  They had seemingly forgotten about the two boys scouring down food before things erupted in the kitchen.  Jasper and Monty had succeeded in breaking everyone’s trances, though, and the tension was back. 

Octavia whirled around and threw a glare Bellamy’s way, dark enough to have the burly police officer cower back from her.  The man was standing in the middle of the kitchen entranceway, feeling the animosity coming towards him from the three other people standing around him.  He had no doubt that he had successfully stuck his foot in his mouth and royally fucked up.  He had heard nothing but bad things about her when he looked her up in police files and he had always vowed to keep his sister safe.  He had failed at that more than enough and he was determined not to let it happen again.  If that meant he had to be the villain to get her away from this girl, then he was willing to do that.

Lincoln, Raven, and Octavia were watching Bellamy and trying their hardest not to pummel the man for attacking the younger girl.  He had jumped to conclusions and accused her of so many things and not a single one of them was willing to excuse him for it.  Lincoln knew, without a doubt, that Clarke would take his words to heart and be conscious to make sure no one thought she was taking advantage of them, and he hated that she was put in that position.  Groaning internally, he wished he had listened to his girlfriend and her friends when they had asked them to leave. 

Raven was torn.  She wanted to follow the other two girls into the room and make sure the younger girl was okay.  She couldn’t explain it at this point, but she felt particularly protective of the secretive girl. She hadn’t been through the same things Clarke had been through, but she knew what it was like to be dealt a shit hand.  She had no doubt that Clarke’s story qualified as shit.  Her comment about the sexual assault was the first time she had said anything that personal in all the months they had been spending time together, and she hurt for the other girl who had been through so much.  Which was why she also wanted to go and beat Bellamy to the ground.  He had no idea what the girl was really like and had no right to attack her like that.  The more she thought about it, the more her blood boiled. 

 Octavia looked at her brother with pure rage in her eyes.  The things that he had said and the accusations that he had thrown Clarke’s way made her want to throw a knife through his throat. “What the actual _fuck_ , Bellamy?”

“O, I’m sorry, but I’m just trying to look out for you and - ”

The sincerity on his face did little to quell her anger, “You know what, that excuse isn’t going to work this time.  You don’t get to attack someone like that and then just say _sorry_ , expecting everything to be well and dandy again.”  She took a menacing step towards him, “Tell me, Bellamy, what do you really think?  Do you think that I’m scum off the street because I was in the foster system?  Do you think Raven is only here taking advantage of us because she was living in her car when we met?  What do you really think about the rest of us, huh?”  She squared her shoulders and looked her brother in the eyes, making sure he would hear what she was about to say, “Just because you grew up in the comfort of Mommy’s house, not having to worry about anything, doesn’t mean you’re special, okay?  You don’t get to sit on your high horse of a ‘proper upbringing’ and give the rest of us down here crap for nothing.”  She walked to the front door and yanked it open before turning back, “Don’t bother showing your face again until you get your shit attitude in check.”

Bellamy looked at his sister with wide eyes.  He knew that he had fucked up and he knew that she would be pissed at him, but he never thought that he would see the day when she was kicking him out of her home.  Ignoring the voice in the back of his head telling him to stay calm he retorted, “O, you don’t know a single thing about her.  Think about it, you’ve never talked to me like this before.  She’s fucking with all of you and you’re too blind to see it!”

“Bellamy, I’m done fighting with you!  I’ve never talked to you like this before because you’ve never been such a douchecock before.  Now please, go get yourself in check and don’t try to talk to me until you get your shit together.”

Everyone in the apartment watched as the tall brunette man stormed out of the house.  Jasper and Monty were standing next to Lincoln now, wondering whether they should follow after Bellamy or stick around.  They didn’t know if he would make such great company, but they didn’t want to intrude here either. 

Octavia noticed their discomfort and gave them a tense smile, the anger staying in her eyes, “You guys can go after him if you want, I know he’s your ride tonight.  But you’re both more than welcome to stick around here and we can get you back home later.”

The two best friends looked at each other, knowing each other long enough to be able to communicate without talking.  Monty looked back at the others and said, “I think I’ll call Miller and see if he’s free.”  He walked back to his stuff and started gathering it up.  Walking back and handing Jasper his jacket he said again, “We really are sorry for showing up like that.  If we had known things were going on we wouldn’t have come unannounced.” 

They both walked towards the door but stopped right before they walked out.  Jasper turned around and looked down the hallway, “Could you tell them we’re sorry, too?”  At the girls’ confirmations they gave final goodbyes and agreed to make plans for another time before leaving to meet up with Monty’s boyfriend.

At that point it was just Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln standing in the entrance of their apartment.  They watched the door close behind their friends and turned to look at each other.  It was obvious to anyone who saw them then that both Octavia and Raven were extremely hurt by what had been said.  Octavia rushed forward and pulled the smaller brunette into a big, crushing hug.  Feeling guilty that her brother had said that shit she couldn’t stop apologizing into Raven’s neck.

Raven tightened her grip around the taller brunette’s waist before pressing a light kiss on her neck.  Knowing their history, Lincoln might have been jealous; he knew the relationship the two brunettes had, though, and he couldn’t find it in him to ever deny them each others’ comfort.  They had been through so much together and anyone that tried to get between the two of them was likely to be removed from their lives.  Lincoln was alright with that, considering he was the same way with his own little family.  He was more than willing to stick around and help in whatever way he could when they were ready to ask for him.

Pulling back slightly to look into swimming blue eyes, but keeping her grip on the other girl, Raven shushed her.  “You have nothing to apologize for, babe.  Your brother was being a dick, yea, but that’s not your fault.  Besides, I know what he said hurt you too.”

Octavia gave a small, watery smile, unable to stop the tears from falling.  Raven eyed Lincoln to follow behind them as she led her best friend to the sofa.  Allowing Lincoln to sit down before them, she maneuvered their bodies so that Octavia was sitting between the two of them.  Octavia curled up and tucked her head into Raven’s neck with her legs extended across the other girl’s lap, mindful of her brace.  Lincoln scooted up to her back and ran a soothing hand through her hair.  He could see that Raven was emotional as well, more than aware that both girls were secretly self-conscious of their past.  Bellamy had been able to have a stable home with their mother before she died and Octavia had had to go through the shit of foster homes alone.  Thinking about what all the older brunette man had said before charging out of there riled Lincoln up again and he shook it from his head to focus on the two brunettes in front of him.

Meanwhile, Lexa had dragged Clarke into her bedroom in the back, not wanting anyone else to hear their conversation.  When they finally reached the room, she spun around with anger in her eyes, glaring at the girl for allowing people to walk all over her like that.  Seeing Clarke’s downcast eyes contradicting her firm posture, though, she couldn’t help but feel the fire of rage in her dissipate a little bit, knowing that the things Bellamy had said had actually affected the girl more than she would want to let on.  

She sighed, “Clarke, you have to know none of that was true.  And the rest of us don’t believe any of it either.”

Clarke looked up, trying to gather her bearings.  This day had been wholly overwhelming and she was trying to keep her shit together.  Her head was starting to pound dangerously and her breathing was becoming more difficult to control.  This was going to be a problem and she struggled to maintain her composure as she responded, “Ms. Woods, please.  You and I both know that there was more than enough reason for him to say what he said – “

“No.  Don’t even start with that fucking ‘Ms. Woods’ shit.  Clarke you cannot possibly act like we don’t know each other.  If you’re not going to listen to anything else, at least show me enough respect to call me by my name.”

That last sentence was like a blow to the gut.  The last thing Clarke wanted was to disrespect anyone.  She should’ve known she would fuck that up too.

Lexa saw the way Clarke curled in on herself a little bit and cursed herself for her word choice.  Of course the topic of respect would be sensitive with her right now. 

Taking a deep breath and blowing it out she walked over and sat down on her bed, running her hand down her face tiredly.  Both of their heads turned to the door, hearing Bellamy and Octavia yelling at each other.  Lexa slowly turned back to the girl standing by her, “There are so many things that I want to say to you right now, Clarke, but I can’t seem to figure out where to start.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to start with sorry.”  Holding up her hand, she spoke over whatever protest the green-eyed brunette was about to start, “Trust me, I know you’re going to tell me that I have nothing to apologize for and I need to stop being sorry for everything.  Really, I know.”  She wasn’t quite able to keep the bite out of her voice.  “First and foremost, I want to apologize to you for the way I treated you all those months ago when we first ran into each other again.  I was short with you and I was rude and you were just worried about your friends.  I had no right to speak to you the way I did about our history.  What happened between us was not your fault and treating you the way I did because of it was just wrong.  Also, I just can’t help but feel like I owe you, and your friends, for that matter, an apology for what happened out there just now.  You heard what Mr. Blake said.  This shit didn’t start until a few months ago.  You used to hang out with them all the time until a few months ago.  I’m sick of messing things up for you and I’d really just like to be done with it.”

Lexa looked at the other girl incredulously.  “You know, for someone as smart as you are, you’re pretty fucking dumb.”

Clarke gawked at her words.  Whatever Lexa had been feeling, she hadn’t expected the older girl to say something like that.

“Look, Clarke, you can apologize all you want, and I appreciate the sentiment.  However, I can tell you without a doubt that the two girls sitting outside are not going to stand for you apologizing for something that was absolutely not your fault.  Everything Bellamy said was his own doing and it was all completely out of line and – “ 

“But that’s the thing!”  The blue-eyed blonde started pacing in front of the bedroom door. “How do you know that none of that was true?  Look Lex – I mean, I – Lexa – shit.”  She stopped abruptly, unsure how to continue. 

The green-eyed girl’s head shot up at the name.  No one had called her “Lex” in four years.  She had no idea how she felt about hearing that name again.  The law intern braced herself for when the other girl started talking again.

Clarke deflated slightly before she continued in a soft tone, “Is he really that far off base?  Everyone has a story, Lexa, and my story is now four years longer than it was when we were last together.  Shit happens in four years and people change.  You have no idea whether or not the things Mr. Blake was saying were completely unfounded, and you wouldn’t know until it was too late anyways.”  Her voice had begun to raise throughout her exclamation, but when she took a break to breathe she released some of the tension as well.  “Look, _Lexa_ , I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I’m here to take advantage of your guys’ hospitality, and I would never want any of you to feel that way either.  I can leave, if it would make things easier for you, and you would never have to hear from me again.”

“I’m so tired,” it came as a whisper, so quiet that Clarke wasn’t sure if she had actually heard it or not.  “I’m just so fucking tired of you trying to walk out the door without dealing with shit.”  The law intern finally looked up from where her head was resting in her hands.  “You run when shit gets hard and you don’t want to deal with it.  Clarke, you walked out of our apartment and cut me cold out of your life in a single day all because we didn’t talk about things and everything built up until it blew up in our faces.”  She ended up gradually raising her voice from the soft statement to an angry growl.  “You could walk out that door right now if you wanted to and no one would be able to stop you.  Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln would all try to stop you, but I know without a doubt that you’re too goddamn stubborn to listen to anyone say that they actually want you to stay.  Look, if you want to leave and never look back then go right ahead; but for the love of God, don’t insult the rest of us by saying that we won’t care if you just disappear.”

Clarke stood there, gaping at how the usually quiet brunette was actually yelling at her now.  She had imagined this moment many times over the years, thinking through all of the different possible scenarios where she would meet her ex-girlfriend again, but this was nothing close to what she could have ever expected.  She had never expected that she would be spending time with Lexa and her flatmates, and she definitely wouldn’t have imagined that she would actually care about the flatmates.  She knew that Lexa was saying now was right: against her better judgment and despite everything she did to try and avoid it, she had become friends with Raven and Octavia. 

The weight of everything that had happened in the last seven months built in her head the more she thought about it.  From running into the three ladies that random Friday night to spending time with Raven and Octavia to the stress of work to the guilt that Bellamy’s accusations brought up, her head was swirling.  She realized immediately what was happening and she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop it.  Much like the first time she collapsed in this apartment six months ago, she felt her knees give out from underneath her and then everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will touch on the condition that Clarke has that causes her to black out so much, as well as some of what happened with Clarke following the breakup. It will be up on Friday (unless I get too restless and post it earlier). There will be a major change in a couple of the characters from this point forth and Anya and Indra will be coming in soon as well. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I've hated Bellamy's character since season one, for many different reasons. When I started this, I was basing his characterization on season one Bellamy that's a self-entitled asshole (to me). I know there are people in Clexakru that like him and others that don't, so I won't have him in the story too much. He only really has a major part in one other chapter. 
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	6. History (Part 3 - Clarke)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's condition is explained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to touch on some pretty dark things, so be careful going into it please. I don't want to upset anybody, so I will mark the really bad part with three asterisks (*) at the beginning and end. I wish I could say this is the worst of what's to come, but that might not be true.
> 
> Also I've realized that I'm pretty much shit at coming up with summaries or titles for chapters, so bear with me for that. 
> 
> Tw: self-harm, self-hate

Lexa rushed forward, calling out Clarke's name as she watched the girl collapse in front of her.  She had no idea what was happening and she was terrified.  Even when the blonde used to have panic attacks before they were never this bad.  Quickly, Lexa picked the younger girl up and laid her on the bed gently.  Blue eyes would open and close intermittently without focusing on anything and Lexa was starting to panic.

Clarke was aware that she was being moved but she couldn’t do anything about it.  Her brain had shut down and she knew she would be at the mercy of anyone around her for some time.  She didn’t even have the energy to move her hand a little bit, and her body was limp as her ex-girlfriend carried her over to the bed.  As she felt her head be placed on the pillow as gently as possible she opened her eyes, fully expecting the blackness in front of her.  Blinking languidly, she started to be able to make out fuzzy figures after some time. 

Lexa had run out of the room for a second, calling frantically for her friends to come in.  All three of them ran in behind the brunette and saw Clarke laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling blankly.  The green-eyed girl explained very briefly what happened and none of them could figure out what to do.  They went to the side of the bed slowly, not knowing what would startle the poor girl. 

After about ten minutes of stressed silence and occasional pacing, they heard movement from the bed.  Clarke’s feet began to flutter and her head started to move back and forth.  Lexa quickly ran to the bed and squatted on the floor next to her head, absently running her hand through sweaty blonde locks.  She watched as the empty blue eyes seemed to focus on her face and the color drained back into them.  Within a few minutes, those eyes became the same shining sky blue colour that she had loved for years and Lexa couldn’t stop the tears from filling her own eyes.

Clarke noticed the tears in the green eyes in front of her when she was finally able to focus again.  Without thinking, she tried to lift her right arm across her body and cup her ex-girlfriend’s face, but her hand flopped onto her chest.  “Motherfucker!” erupted out of her before she could stop it and all movement around her ceased.

All four of them exchanged looks, extremely concerned now.  Clarke had always had absolute control over what her body did and she had never sounded so drunk before.  The slurred exclamation caused all of their worries to escalate and they all wanted to know what the hell was going on. 

Raven was the first to recover, ever-aware of a medical condition if she saw one.  She made her way to the bed and sat next to the girl.  She gently lifted the hand from where it had flopped so unceremoniously onto it’s owner and placed it back at her side.  Gently, Raven asked, “Do you have anything with you that’ll help you get through this episode?”

Clarke looked at the brunette in front of her, aware of her brace and knowing she would probably understand what was going on.  She nodded slightly and tried to speak, though only a few words made it out, “'Nhaler.  Bag.  In car.”

Raven nodded, understanding what the other girl was saying.  Seeing the stricken look on Lincoln’s and Lexa’s faces, she grabbed Octavia’s hand to help her get the inhaler from their friend’s car.

Another fifteen minutes later, Clarke had taken the oxygen from her inhaler and was starting to gain proper function back in her body.  The four other occupants of the room watched her as she slowly managed to pull her body up into a sitting position, looking weaker than any of them had ever seen her.  When Clarke looked like she had gotten herself under control, Octavia spoke up, “How’re you feeling?”

Clarke looked over at the younger brunette, stoic face unable to hide the guilt in her eyes.  “I’m fine now.  I’m very sorry about everything that's happened tonight.”

It didn’t take a genius to know that the girl was talking about what happened with Bellamy outside as well.

“Psh it’s nothing.  We’re more than happy to help you in any way we can.” Octavia hoped that the smile she shot at her new friend was comforting before continuing, “So, like, what just happened?  I know you asked for an inhaler, but that didn’t really look like asthma.”

Clarke took a deep breath as the younger brunette trailed off her question.  She looked up at everyone in the room, meeting each one of their eager and questioning eyes.  She looked at Lexa last, knowing that her glowing green eyes would break her if she looked into them too soon.  “It’s a rather long story, and it’s not necessarily pleasant either.”

Without thinking, Lexa reached out and grabbed one of the intern’s hands in her own.  She stroked the back of it comfortingly, hoping she’d be a little more open to talking to them.  She wasn’t expecting the spark when their skin touched or the way blue eyes shot back to her own.  Looking deep into their depths, hoping to convey all of her sincerity, Lexa said, “No matter what you have to say, we want to hear it.  If there’s anything we can do to help, we want to know.” 

Clarke studied her eyes, seeing nothing but sincerity swimming in their depths.  Taking a deep breath and grasping onto her hand a little desperately, she steeled herself, “I guess I owe you all answers...”

_Five weeks after Clarke walked out of the apartment and, consequently, Lexa’s life, she was out as the sun was starting to set.  It was about 5:30 PM and foot traffic in LA was extremely high.  She walked through people and past buildings that she knew like the back of her hand; away from the bustle of the actual city and made her way to a less crowded area of downtown._

_She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her ex-girlfriend in the whole time that they had been apart.  On one hand she was desperate to go back and ask for forgiveness for everything she had done wrong in their time together.  At the same time, though, she knew that this decision would be best.  The same way Lexa talked about work, she had made this decision with her head and not with her heart.  The medical student had known for the entire time they were together that Lexa always deserved to be with someone so much better than she was, someone without so much goddamn baggage._

_Feeling herself get worked up even more she made her way into a bar.  She knew that she wasn’t going to drink anything, but she was desperate for a place where she could remain completely anonymous.  Walking in, she sat in a booth in the back and tried to avoid as many people as she could.  Some people walked by and eyed her, sitting in a booth alone without a drink, but she couldn’t bring herself to care about the judgmental looks._

_Her attention was caught as she heard raised voices across the bar.  There was a woman being pulled out of the bar by a man almost twice her size.  Before she knew what she was doing, she had jumped out of her booth and was making her way to the door._

_Once she got outside she looked both ways and noticed the two walking to her left.  Taking steps to walk behind them, she picked up speed when she called for their attention._

_The man faltered in pulling the woman, turning around at hearing someone yell from behind him.  He sneered when he saw some small kid running behind him and gripped the woman’s arm tighter, ignoring her whimper of protest.  She was definitely feeling the effects of all the drinks he had gotten her and he was ready to get her back to his apartment.  Turning slightly to face the girl some more, he was more than surprised to immediately see a fist come flying at his face and the next thing he knew, he was on the ground._

_Clarke couldn’t help herself.  She knew she wouldn’t be able to talk the man out of whatever he had planned for the woman that night and, before she knew it, she had thrown her fist into the side of the man’s head, knowing it would leave him in a daze long enough for her to grab the girl._

_What she hadn’t expected, though, was that the girl would immediately fall to the side and start throwing up whatever was in her stomach.  She quickly knelt next to her, rubbing her back as the poor girl sobbed and thanked her.  She cursed herself for losing focus when she felt something strike her in the side and ended up on her back, groaning at the pain in her ribs.  Seeing a boot come flying at her face she quickly rolled to the side and used that momentum to pull herself into a standing position._

_Her martial arts classes were really paying for themselves now – she was managing to block every one of his hits and was doing plenty of damage.  She let her eyes wander to the girl cowering on the ground, though, and felt her attention catch surprisedly on to the crowd that had built up around them._

_That split second was enough for the man to get a good hit into her gut and to knee her in the face when she doubled over.  She went stumbling backwards and felt her back hit one of the cars parked on the road.  Before she knew what was happening the man was raining blows to her torso and she was hard pressed to stop them.  Eventually, she managed to get her hand up when he took a split second break, getting him directly in the throat with the second knuckles of her fingers._

_The man shuffled backwards, grabbing at his throat and hoping to get some air in.  Clarke fell forward a little bit, hoping to catch her breath and grow accustomed to the pain in her body.  She had taken too many hits recently, though (both physical and mental), and her head wasn’t 100% in the fight._

_Before she knew what was happening, the man had lunged forward and grabbed her by the collar.  He smashed her head back a few times and the last thing she remembered was the sound of breaking glass and then darkness._

_When she finally became aware of her surroundings again, she was lying in a bed with tubes sticking out of her, including a breathing tube in her throat.  She hated the feeling and knew she would regret ever having to give one to her own patients.  Taking note of the unfamiliar surroundings, she started looking around frantically.  Where the hell was she?_

_Eventually, her eyes landed on the dirty blonde head of hair that she could see on the seat in the corner.  She tried calling for the person, but all that would come out was a weak groan around the tube.  That seemed to be enough to garner the person’s attention and Clarke’s heart-rate monitor went crazy when she recognized Anya._

_“You’re awake.”  The older woman walked towards Clarke’s bed, “You’ve been out for three days, and you needed a hell of a lot of surgery.  The staff here knows what you did to stop that man from taking that woman and they’ve done everything they can to take care of you.” She broke off when she saw Clarke’s eyes go wide and her heart monitor started beeping harder.  “Clarke? Clarke what’s wrong? What do you – “_

_She saw the girl’s hand swirling about and it took her a second to realize what she was doing.  She was writing out an “L” on the sheet.  Sighing, Anya leaned forward and took the frantic girl’s hand in between her own.  “It’s ok, kiddo.  She doesn’t know you’re here.  And, by the way, we still need to have that conversation.  I know how upset you’ve been the last few weeks, even if you have been ignoring me, and I really just want you to talk to me.”_

_Clarke looked at Anya’s face, wishing more than anything that she could speak in that very moment.  She had so many things she wanted to say to the older blonde and she knew the medications she was on now would help her loosen her inhibitions and actually be able to say things she wouldn’t if she was sober._

_Before either of them had a chance to say anything else, though, there was a knock in the door and the doctor walked in, getting right to work.  Anya leant back a little bit but kept her hands on Clarke’s, aware of the trembling she was trying to hide._

_“Hello, Ms. Griffin.  My name is Dr. Bradbury and I performed your surgery four days ago.  I’m going to have Nurse Beckett remove the tube from your throat so that you can communicate better.”_

_As the nurse got closer to Clarke, her heart monitor started picking up activity.  From the outside, no one would have been able to seen any differences in the girl’s demeanor, although Anya felt her hand tighten in her own.  Given her history, the older blonde could imagine that the younger girl was not comfortable with the idea of a stranger touching her while she was confined to a bed.  She got close to Clarke again and tried to whisper calming words to her as Nurse Beckett started talking Clarke through what she was doing._

_“Hey, Clarke.  Your friend here told us that you’re in medical school right now.  I want to explain to you what’s going on as I go, okay?”  Receiving a nod from the girl on the bed, she continued, “We didn’t want your body under too much pressure as you recovered from your surgery, which Dr. Bradbury will explain in detail in a minute, so we put this in to help you a little bit. I’m going to need you to exhale as I start pulling this out, okay?”_

_Clarke felt the friction in her throat and wouldn’t have been able to hold back the cough even if she wanted to.  The scratching going all the way up her trachea caused convulsions in her abdomen, which made her clench, which sent a wave of pain through her whole body.  The monitors on her side went crazy again and her entire body was aflame in pain._

_The coughing died down after a minute or so while Nurse Beckett and Dr. Bradbury observed.  The young blonde’s oxygen levels had gone down and they noticed her start to hyperventilate.  They quickly pushed Anya to the side, and Dr. Bradbury placed the oxygen mask over her mouth.  Clarke eventually calmed down and the doctor removed the oxygen mask.  Staying close and watching her face she asked, “How are you feeling, Clarke?”_

_Seeing the other girl tense up slightly and knowing what her steeled face meant, Anya interjected before Clarke had a chance to say anything, “Don’t, for one second, even think that you can bullshit your way past this, Clarke.  You have no idea what it was like to sit here for the last three days, not knowing if you were going to survive or not, while having to tell my heartbroken sister that I had no idea what was going on with you.  If you don’t give the doctor an honest answer and get yourself fixed for once I’ll make sure Lexa is here in the next hour and you’ll have her to deal with.”_

_Clarke looked towards where she knew Anya was standing and just stared in that direction.  Anya was a little put off by the fact that Clarke wasn’t actually looking_ at _her, but off to the side, and she really hoped her pseudo-sister would tell them what was wrong._

_“I can’t – um, I can’t see anything right,” she let out slowly, feeling the words grate at her sore throat.  She knew that this kind of thing was very significant after a blunt force trauma to the cranium and she was terrified to admit anything was wrong.  “My head hurts, which I can imagine is from the surgery, but I can see black spots floating everywhere and everything else is fuzzy.”_

_Dr. Bradbury and Nurse Beckett tried not to react to the fact that the patient’s words were severely slurred, but Anya couldn’t hide her surprise quite as well as they could.  Her head flew back and forth between the two professionals with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.  The doctor motioned for her to stay quiet._

_“Well, Clarke, I believe I can have an answer for you about that. Before I tell you what happened, though, I’d like to ask you a few questions.”  She asked all of the usual neurological examination questions – about the year, her full name, the current president, what she last remembered – and explained to her that the man she had been fighting had been taken into custody right after her head went through the window.  A bystander had called the police and they had arrived at that moment. She had been transported to the hospital immediately and everyone around had deemed her a hero.  Clarke scoffed._

_“You arrived at the hospital three nights ago in horrible condition.  Your heart rate was disturbingly low and you had lost a lot of blood from the wounds in your head. We were primarily concerned with making sure there were no bleeds in your brain. We examined you quickly, and determined that you have two broken ribs, a broken nose, and a lacerated spleen.  You had also bruised one of your ribs.  All of those things were controlled easily, although the spleen gave us a few hiccups along the way.  The most concerning thing, however, was the blow you took to your head when you hit the window of the car.  Your medical record shows a history of broken bones and other injuries, the most significant being a few times when you came in for severe blows to the head over a period of four years.  Paired up with the blow that you took a few nights ago, we were concerned with whether or not anything had been aggravated.”  The doctor walked over to the wall and turned on a monitor.  The light quickly turned on and Clarke could make out four segregated images, although she couldn’t see clear enough to make out what the images were themselves.  “Our initial brain scan showed some concerning images.  We realized quickly that you had formed a clot in the back of your brain.  You were taken to surgery immediately, but we had quite a bit of trouble taking care of the clot while also trying to take care of everything else.  You crashed on the table once and we were lucky to bring you back._

_“Now, Ms. Woods mentioned that you’re a medical student.  Even if you’re not officially in medical school, she said that you’ve spent years working in and around hospitals.  Have you ever heard of cerebral ischemia?”  Seeing her patient’s tense nod, she continued softly, “Unfortunately, the blood clot in your brain was potentially significant enough to cause some damage.  The clot paired with the lack of oxygen going to your brain while you were coding made us think that there could have been some permanent damage done.  Everything you’ve presented so far has led us to believe that you most likely have developed cerebral ischemia.”_

_Anya sucked in a sharp breath.  She wasn’t like Clarke so she had no idea what it meant other than something went wrong in her little sister’s brain._

_The doctor continued, “This might not impair you in any major way.  We’ll see how it develops, but because you’re so young and healthy we’re hoping it won’t be too bad.  It’s very possible that you only see symptoms of it when you’re under extreme stress or take some sort of hit to the head.  It’s also very possible that you’ll have symptoms every day and something as simple as running up the stairs can trigger a reaction.  We have no way of measuring how your body might manifest the condition.  We will see what courses of action we can take in terms of medication and cures and such; but, of course, that is only_ if _your diagnosis is positive.”_

_Seeing that the two women in the room had a lot on their plate and so much to try and understand, Dr. Bradbury indicated to the nurse that they should take their leave.  As she was leaving the room she turned back from the doorway, “We’re going to have to keep you a few more days for observation, but you’ll be free to go after that.  Ms. Griffin – Clarke, it might help your recovery if you have more people here to support you through this.”_

_Clarke watched the doctor and nurse exit her room, trying to process all of the information she had just been given.  Looking over to her friend, she noticed the tears in the normally stoic woman’s eyes.  Sitting up quickly, Clarke reached her arm out to the blonde standing to the side, wincing as it pulled at her broken ribs._

_Anya walked forward slowly, placing her hand in Clarke’s outstretched hand tentatively, as if she was going to break her with a single touch.  Over the years the soldier had grown to know that the young blonde actually had a very comforting nature.  She very rarely showed it to anyone, but she was always ready to comfort her family the instant she thought they would need it._

_“I’m gonna be okay, An.  You should go home.”_

_Anya's jaw dropped, “You’ve got to be fucking joking right now.”  Making sure to keep eye contact with the blue eyes in front her she said, “You can’t possibly think that I’m going to leave you here alone right now.  After everything, Clarke, you have to know that I’m here; we’re all here for you.”_

_“No!”  Clarke interjected.  “Please, don’t tell anyone else that I’m here.  You can’t tell any of them that you saw me or that you know what’s going on.”  Knowing the older girl well enough to know that she would listen to her request she asked, “How are you here anyways?  Shouldn’t you have been on base the last few days?  I didn’t know you were coming into town.”_

_There was a pregnant pause between them for a second; the reason Clarke wouldn’t have known was because she hadn’t answered anyone’s calls or messages since she walked out of her apartment/relationship with Lexa._

_“I had a break for ten days so I came by to check in on my baby sister.  Who, by the way, has been in a miserable heap in her bed for practically the last five weeks.  She hasn’t even celebrated the fact that she practically fucking aced her LSAT.  Literally the only thing she's been able to focus on is the fact that you won't answer any of our texts or calls or emails._ _”_

_Clarke knew that Anya had every right to be pissed at her for cutting them all out the way that she did, and she knew that the other woman was trying her hardest to keep it to a minimum._

_The medical student’s chest ached to hear how much pain her now-ex-girlfriend was in because of her.  She couldn’t back down on her decision, though; this was the best thing she could have done for the law student._

_“Ok kiddo.  If you really don’t want anyone to know that you’re here, I won’t say anything.  But you’re going to have to talk to me if you want me to listen to you.”_

_Clarke sighed, knowing there was no way she’d be able to get out of this.  “What do you know already and what do you want to know?”_

_“First of all, I want to know how you’re feeling.”_

_“Fine.”_

_“Clarke,” came the warning voice._

_“I’m fine! My head doesn’t hurt too bad and I can see everything again.”_

_Anya studied her face, gauging how much she trusted her.  “Fine then.  If you’re doing so great, why don’t you explain to me what the hell happened?  How could you just leave her – us – like that?”_

_Her voice cracked at the end and Clarke heard it like a dagger through her heart.  “I didn’t want to go, Anya.  If there’s one thing that you believe, it has to be that leaving you all is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.  But I couldn’t stay anymore.”  She trailed off slightly, thinking about how she would say the next part. “I don’t know what all Lexa has told you guys, but things had been tense between us the last few months.  I fucked up so bad and I just couldn’t handle holding her back anymore.”  She sank into herself a little bit and some of the fight left her voice, “She deserves so much, she can be so much, and I can’t let myself hold her back anymore.  She should be with someone who can help her flourish, not someone who will hold her back because of their own shitty baggage.”_

_She met Anya’s grey eyes with tears in her own, “I had a panic attack when we got home after running into Jaha.  She tried to help me and I fucking_ pushed _her to the ground.  I did shit like that in a_ mild _attack; I can’t be anywhere near her if things get worse.  I can’t live with myself knowing I could do something to hurt her, or any of you, after everything you’ve done for me.”_

_Anya watched the girl retreat into herself with every sentence she said.  The self-hatred that was rolling off of her in waves was suffocating the older girl and she wanted nothing more than to be able to help the blonde.  She had no idea what to do, though, and she hated it.  Her parents had always been the one to help the younger girl through this shit but they were gone now and it was up to Anya.  Slowly, aware of how much Clarke treasured her own personal space, she walked to the bed and sat down next to the girl._

_Clarke refused to look at Anya as she felt her sit next to her.  She heard a soft, “Hey, look at me,” and felt a light touch to her chin, guiding her head up so their eyes could meet.  She saw reverence shining deep within the grey eyes in front of her, “I wish you could see yourself the way we see you.  You’re such an amazing, beautiful, gracious person who could do nothing but good.  You have a painful past, and that causes problems for you from time to time, but that doesn’t define who you are.”_

_“We’ve all got monsters inside of us, Anya, and we’re all responsible for what they do when we let them out.”_

_“Clarke, you carry too much weight on your shoulders.  Please don’t tell me that you still think you’re responsible for everything that has happened to you.”  Her head dropped when she received an indignant stare in response, knowing exactly what it meant, “Clarke, we love you so goddamn much, and we really just want you to be okay.  If that means taking a break from us and healing, then I will support you.  However, I absolutely do not condone you walking out on Lexa the way you did.  You have to at least talk to her!”_

_“No.  I can’t have her see me like this now.  Do you know what it’s going to do to her now that I could have fucking cerebral ischemia? I’m not going to make her live the rest of her life afraid that I’ll have a bad day and accidentally hurt her or pass out and go blind.  Those aren’t really very reassuring options, Anya, and she deserves a hell of a lot better.”_

_“That’s not your decision to make!  Lexa knows what she wants and what she needs and that’s you!  You made a_ mistake _that night, Clarke, and you can’t hold that against yourself forever because, God knows, Lexa never even had a problem with it.”_

_“Look, Anya, there were other things too, okay?”  Clarke really refused to make eye contact with that comment.  “That happened three months ago and things went downhill from there.  I pushed her away to keep her safe, and I pushed her too far.  She’s moved on and, really, she’ll be better off like this.”_

_“Clarke you can’t decide these things for her.” Anya sighed, knowing she wouldn’t get through to the other girl with this tactic.  She switched to another conversation that they had had time and again.  “You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that happened to you when you were younger and what you’ve dealt with ever since.  None of it was your fault and you’ve made such great improvements in healing from that.  Jaha and all of the others shouldn’t be able to hold that kind of power over you anymore.”_

_“That’s so much easier said than done, An.  Every time I close my eyes, it all comes rushing back.  If someone walks by my hotel room door too loudly I end up in a ball on the floor.  Everything comes rushing back and I just want it all to be done. I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore.  The baths don’t help anymore.”_

_Anya felt her heart start beating faster at the broken tone her little sister had adopted.  She hadn’t heard the young girl this broken in a long time and it terrified her; it was like Clarke was back in high school and admitting to the abuse (from her foster families and self-inflicted) all over again.  She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the other girl’s forehead, resting her forehead there while Clarke’s breath hitched at the contact.  “You can’t go back to that place, Clarke.  Please, I’ll do anything to help you stay away from that.  Just tell me what you need.  I can’t have you fall back into that trap again.”_

_Clarke shuddered at Anya’s words, all too aware of what she was talking about.  Unconsciously, her hand moved to her left side, suddenly extremely conscious of the scars burning there._

_***Anya noticed the girl’s reaction and watched her hand scratch at that spot.  She noticed the far off look in blue eyes and felt her heart stop.  “Clarke…” The question died on her lips, terrified of the answer.  “Clarke, did you do something again?”_

_Clarke couldn’t bring herself to look the older girl in the eyes.  Anya was like her older sister and she had already disappointed her enough.  She couldn’t let her know how weak she had become._

_“Oh god, Clarke,” the strangled whisper left her throat before the soldier could stop it.  Immediately, she reaches her hand for the smaller one already in the vulnerable spot.  The hospital blanket was already on the end of the bed so the soldier had easy access to the side of Clarke’s gown.  She reached for the end of the gown and lifted it gently, bracing herself for the scars that she knew were there.  When they were bared to her eyes, though, she gave a strangled sob, unable to hold back her emotions._

_Clarke had to use every bit of energy and consciousness that she had in her body to not react to Anya touching her gown.  She didn’t want her to see the marks she had carved into herself, but she didn’t feel she had the right to deny the older girl anything anymore.  The sob that broke through the soldier’s lips were like a dagger straight through her chest, though, and Clarke couldn’t stop the tears from building in her own eyes._

_Anya ran a trembling hand over the marks on the bony hip in front of her, both old and new.  The old cuts she knew about; it was the new ones that hurt her the most.  She looked away from the scars and lifted her eyes to the blue-eyed girl’s face, seeing the way she was trying her hardest not to let the emotions get to her.  She placed one of her hands over the wounds and the other over the girl’s heart, hoping to convey nothing but love and positive messages to her baby sister._

_Feeling Anya’s first tear fall onto her hip, Clarke wasn’t able to stop her own tears from falling.  The last thing she ever wanted was to make Anya cry, but here she was.  She had been right all along; she brought nothing but pain and despair to their lives._

_Her attention was caught by the scars that Anya was running a soothing hand over.  All of the emotions she felt while carving them into herself resurfaced and she spat them out with venom, remembering exactly what they said, “Worthless.  Useless.  Insignificant.  Unlovable.  Disgusting.”  Clarke thought of her pseudo-sister’s grey eyes burning holes into her face with their gaze and into her side with their tears. She thought of the woman she loved kissing another woman because she had pushed her away.  She thought of the messages and phone calls that had blown up her phone, hearing the broken sounds of Lexa's voice as she apologized again and again.  She thought of green eyes that she could get lost in forever staring at her in fear and pain and said the two newest words with such conviction it could’ve brought the sky crumbling to the ground, “Despicable.  Monster.”***_

The sob that tore through the room brought her back to her senses.  All of a sudden she became hyper aware of everybody’s eyes trained on her.  Clarke could see tears in all three sets of eyes in front of her, faces scrunched up in tortured pain.  The tears falling steadily onto her arm from the girl next to her was what had really gathered her attention again.  Blue eyes turned to see Lexa’s head resting against her arm and felt the wetness of her tears seeping through her sleeve.  Lexa's shoulders were trembling and she was releasing hot, shaky breaths.  Clarke tentatively raised her hand again in an attempt to comfort the older girl, resting it on her head and bending over to place a gentle kiss on her crown.

Lexa’s head shot up at the feeling of lips on her head and finally registered the silence that had fallen over all of them.  She met blue eyes with her own and couldn’t even bring herself to try and stop the tears from pouring down her face.  The amount of pain that Clarke had been through during those first few weeks was breaking her heart and she had no idea what to do about it.  Everything they had been through had almost broken the stoic girl, and she had been completely oblivious to it.  In the back of her head, she felt anger flare up at her sister for keeping this from her.

There were a few seconds of extremely tense silence, everyone absorbing the information they had just heard and Clarke was starting to feel overwhelmed by the memories running through her head.  She hadn’t talked about any of this in the last four years with anyone.  Her hands started quivering and she could feel the tell-tale pain building in the back of her head again.  She turned her head to the side slightly as her face scrunched up in pain, praying that she would be able to see when she opened her eyes.

Raven was the first to say anything, noticing the pain on Clarke’s face looked as physical as it did emotional.  The brunette cleared her throat and focused her eyes through the sheen of tears, hoping to treat the girl like a person and not like the story she had just told them, “So what happened earlier, you passing out like that, that’s because of this thing the doctor said you might have? Cere – Cerebro…?”

“Cerebral ischemia, yes.  It’s considered a TBI, or traumatic brain injury.”  Clarke was ever grateful for Raven speaking up.  “The blood clot, the lack of oxygen to my brain for however long I coded on the table, a car accident not long enough after that fight, and all of the times my head had been injured before and after that were significant enough that it caused permanent damage.  I have global cerebral ischemia, which basically means impaired vision, slurred speech, dizziness, weakness on one or both sides of the body, and/or loss of coordination, plus some other things depending on the conditions.  An actual lack of oxygen would be what causes the loss of consciousness.  That’s why an inhaler of pure oxygen is usually pretty good at helping me get through an episode.”  She could do this.  Medical talk was right up her alley and she could do it.  “I’ve gotten used to the episodes and I’m usually good with being able to tell when they’re coming.  This one came on rather suddenly, though, and I apologize for not being prepared.”

Octavia took a sharp breath, catching everyone’s attention.  “That night, when you fought those guys at school, they beat you like crazy.  I’m pretty sure you got hit in the head at least once.  What happened – How did that – Did that mess anything up for your condition?”  She stuttered in the end, not knowing exactly how to ask her question.

Clarke took a deep breath, hyper aware of everyone’s attention on her.  “To be completely honest, Octavia, I was hoping you all would’ve forgotten that bit of information.”  Her attempt at a joke fell flat.  She sighed, “Yes, ma’am, I did take a few hits to the head.  The rush of adrenaline, as well as my sympathetic nervous system's responses, were able to help me stay focused while still fighting.  That is part of why I was rather eager to leave immediately after it was done.  Whatever happened throughout the rest of the night kept the adrenaline pumping in my body and I was able to remain focused.  I got a little too relaxed, unfortunately, and my brain decided to take over.”

“Well fuck,” the younger, blue-eyed brunette muttered under her breath.  “Please tell me you went to the hospital to make sure nothing got too much worse.”

Clarke didn’t make eye contact with anyone, looking down at the sheets sheepishly. 

“Clarke!  You have to take care of yourself, for fuck’s sake!”  Raven exclaimed.

“Look, I can assure you, I’ve had worse than those guys since my brain got fucked up.  I know how to handle it."

Everyone looked at the girl in the bed, now unsure of what to say and how to react.  So much had happened that night and everyone was starting to finally process all of it.  None of them wanted to make the poor girl uncomfortable, though, and they didn’t know how to proceed.

The blonde was aware of the increasing tension in the room at that point.  She knew they all had a lot to think about and deal with considering how eventful the night had been and decided she would leave them to it.  She was starting to become overwhelmed by the emotions going around and really needed to get away from everything.  Turning her head to look back at the girl sitting at her side, still holding desperately to her hand, she leaned closer and placed a lingering kiss to the top of her head.  She allowed her forehead to rest there for a moment before pulling back, letting her hand pull out of the law intern’s grip. 

“I’m very sorry to be so abrupt, but I was being serious when I said I have work early in the morning.  I also have some charts to look over for my shift at the hospital tomorrow.  I’m afraid I must be taking your leave now.”

Lexa felt her heart start racing in her chest when the other girl pulled her hand away from hers.  Hearing that she was leaving definitely did not help calm her down either and her head shot up when she saw the younger blonde rise from the bed.  She shot up immediately when Clarke swayed on her feet, looking as though she might collapse again.  The girl steadied herself as Lexa’s hand reached her elbow and her head turned to face her.  Their eyes met again, the connection there reigniting.  They turned their heads away quickly and tried to ignore the electricity they could both feel coursing through them.

Raven stopped her before she was actually able to make her way to the bedroom door, "Are you okay to be going out by yourself tonight?" 

Clarke paused and studied the brunette in front of her.  She took a moment to answer, trying to think of a way to respond without sounding too defensive.  The medical intern focused on the brace wrapping its way around Raven's knee and felt herself calm some.  She could see that the engineering student had put her suggested supplies to use and had added her own little adjustments to the contraption.  Out of everyone in the room, Raven was most likely to truly understand the gravity of what Clarke was facing.  Keeping that in mind, the blonde raised her blue eyes to meet brown eyes focused intently on her face.  "Yes, Raven, I promise I will be fine.  This is nothing that I haven't dealt with before and besides, the worst of it is already over.  At times like this, all that's left is the headache." 

"You know if it gets any worse than just that, you can call us, right?  We'll be more than happy to help you out." 

Clarke gave the braced brunette a genuine, albeit small, smile, "Yes, I know that.  I appreciate the offer and I promise to take you up on it if the need arises." 

Satisfied as they could be with that answer, the four friends followed after the medical intern as she gathered her bearings and walked out towards the door.  She hesitated as she reached the door, turning around to look at them.  Blue eyes met green immediately, both of them thinking of Lexa’s earlier exclamation – “ _I’m just so fucking tired of you trying to walk out the door without dealing with shit” –_ and hoping that this didn’t fall into that category.They eventually broke out of their thoughts and Clarke looked at the other three people around them. 

Her eyes landed on Octavia last.  Sighing, she looked down at the floor before meeting blue eyes again and she said, “I’m sorry about what’s happened tonight.  I know you all had things planned and I wish things could’ve worked out better.  And Ms. Blake, Octavia, I’m sorry about how I acted towards your brother.”

Octavia felt the anger flare in her chest again.  Her brother really had been such a douchecock and now Clarke thought that it was her responsibility to apologize for him.  “Please, Clarke, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.  He was being rude and a dick and he’s the one that owes you an apology.”  Watching blue eyes fall back to the floor, she took a tentative step forward and placed her right hand on the other girl’s shoulder, causing her to raise her gaze back to her face.  “I’m sorry things didn’t work out how we had planned they would.  If this didn’t ruin things completely, could you let us try again?”

 Clarke felt her heart flutter despite trying to convince herself that she didn’t care for these girls; they still wanted to try and be her friends. 

Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, and Lexa watched as hints of a shy smile showed up on the medical intern’s face and she nodded her head.  They all became excited at the prospect of getting to see the girl again and being able to fix whatever shit had happened that night.

Clarke locked eyes with Lexa one more time, everything around them melting away before she turned back to everyone else.  She offered a small wave before making her way back out of the apartment.  Lincoln, Octavia, Raven, and Lexa watched as she walked away, a deep pain in each of their chests.  The poor girl had been through too much shit and she really deserved to have things start fixing themselves.  Their only consolation was that she at least agreed to let them all try and fix things once again.  

The door eventually closed behind Clarke's retreating figure, bringing everyone out of their own ruminations.  They all looked at each other, at a loss as to what to do at that point. 

Eventually, they ended up on the sofa in front of the TV.  None of them were actually paying it any attention, though.  They were all focused on thinking about the blonde that had left yet another mark on their hearts in a single night.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry!!! Things will start looking up for them eventually, but we'll see how long it takes to get there. 
> 
> I know this is going up early, but I might have to amend my posting schedule to three times a week instead of two. I'm going to be leaving the country for six weeks soon, and I didn't really realize just how close that trip is. My goal is to figure out some way to still be able to post while I'm gone, but I will be without internet for at least 4 1/2 weeks.
> 
> All of the medical information in this chapter is as accurate as I could make it. More about Clarke's condition will be explained in the future. 
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	7. All Sisters Have Their Troubles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa has a talk with Anya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot shorter than the others have been, but I had to split it from the next one. That one is already past 13k words, so I'm going to end up splitting that one as well. Let me know if you want me to post it all at once or to post both parts separately. 
> 
> Also, I've decided to start calling Lexa, Raven, and Octavia (plus the others) "the crew". I don't know why, but it seems to fit.

The crew spent the next few weeks without really hearing from the medical intern.  Between residency and her other work, Clarke would work for almost 60 hours at a time.  If she wasn’t at work, she was sleeping.  If she wasn’t sleeping, she was trying to find a safe place to park her car.  The medical bills from her brain surgery and then helping Anya after her accident had completely wiped the prospective doctor out of her house and most of her belongings.  She had kept a few things that she absolutely cherished and could not get rid of; whatever would fit in her trunk.

The fact that the four of them didn’t get to see the girl for a month was not for lack of trying.  They (usually Octavia or Raven) would often reach out to her to ask her to come over or go out with them, but she was always busy with work.  Finals were coming up for Octavia and Raven so they were preparing for that as well, meaning they didn’t have very many opportunities to go out anyways. 

This break from things gave Lexa the time to deal with everything she found out about her ex-girlfriend’s circumstances.  She had spent months after Clarke left her trying to get in contact with the blonde, but she had been adamant in ignoring everything.  It wasn't until almost the second anniversary of the split that Lexa finally decided to back off.  She was completely settled into her life with Octavia and Raven at that point and she was secure at the Grounder Law Firm with Gustus and it was clear that Clarke wasn't ready to talk to her yet.  

The fact that Clarke was still in contact with Lexa's sister and that her sister knew how horrible Clarke’s conditions had been since they split had her livid.  She had begged them all to find out anything they could about her ex, to see if she was alive and safe, to see if she was okay, to see if Lexa would be able to at least talk to her, and her own sister had been the one to hide that information from her.  She spent so long trying to figure out if she wanted to confront the blonde soldier or just leave it.

About two weeks after Clarke was at their apartment Anya called Lexa and said she had another one-week break.  She would be coming off of the base and wanted to let them know she would be coming by.  Octavia and Raven spent a lot of time trying to help Lexa figure out whether or not she was going to confront Anya, but they all knew that no amount of preparation would actually prepare her for seeing her sister again after everything.

Anya showed up on the Wednesday night of Spring Break and it didn’t take long to figure out that Lexa was having difficulty dealing with her sister.  They were all excited to see her, obviously, since she had been on base for the last few months.  They didn’t have the convenience of being able to talk to her as regularly as they used to since she had moved up in rank.  These days that she had off base were really the only time they were able to talk to her anymore. 

They made dinner and spent the night hearing stories from the base.  Anya would ask questions about what had been going on in their lives and Octavia and Raven had lots of stories about classes.  Lexa would always manage to avoid the questions by either leaving the room to get something or bringing up a story from her two flatmates.  It didn’t take Anya long to figure out that something was going on, and she had a feeling she knew what the problem was.

Clarke had called Anya a few days after running into Lexa in her apartment all those months ago.  They had had a long conversation about how Clarke was going to handle seeing Lexa again, what she was going to tell Lexa and her flatmates about herself, whether or not she would be able to handle being back in their lives officially, etc.  They had even spoken about whether or not Clarke was going to mention that she was still in contact with Anya.  The soldier had a feeling that Lexa now knew.

Anya had been lucky enough to catch them on the tail end of their spring break.  The law intern still had to go to work during the day, but Anya was able to go out with Raven and Octavia on Thursday and Friday.  Lexa met them out for drinks Friday night and Anya knew she would have to talk to her sister soon.  The green-eyed brunette was closed off and quiet the entire night, throwing a few snarky comments at her throughout their conversations.  Lexa had never been much of a drinker so the other three girls were able to drink as much as they wanted, taking advantage of the time since none of them would be free again for a while.

Saturday afternoon, the three hungover women finally woke up to the smell of coffee.  Anya and Raven ended up in the younger brunette’s bed while Octavia was in her own room.  All three of them had glasses of water next to them when they woke up, along with a piece of charred toast.  They were always grateful to live with a person like Lexa on days like these – she knew a shit ton about dealing with a hangover.

Raven and Octavia gathered enough energy to go to the library and start working on final assignments they had for their classes.  They had asked Anya if she wanted to come with them, but the soldier had declined, telling them it was about time she had a conversation with her little sister.  The two brunette students locked eyes and hoped beyond all hope this conversation didn’t get too bad for the two sisters.

Lexa walked into the apartment that evening to find her sister on the couch alone, plates of Mac-n-Cheese sitting with cups of Sprite.  She had spent the day walking all over the city, trying to figure out how she was going to start this conversation with her sister.  Standing there now, seeing grey eyes looking back at her expectantly, she had no idea what she was going to do. 

Anya watched her sister stand in the doorway, staring at her for some time.  Eventually the younger brunette started walking towards her slowly.  She opened her arms slightly, giving Lexa the option to either sit in her embrace or on the other side of the sofa.  She sighed when the younger girl snuggled into her arms, resting her head on Anya’s chest and circling her arms around her waist.  She felt the way her sister released shuddering breaths and felt tears lightly seep into her shirt.  Anya pressed her lips to the head of hair under her face and rested her own head there. 

Lexa let herself be held by her sister, wishing she could stay like that forever.  All of the emotions she was feeling towards her sister were rushing out in her tears and she couldn’t stop them.  She still hadn’t completely processed the fact that her sister had hid so much from her and lied to her face for all these years.  She didn’t know how to confront her about it either, knowing that her sister only ever did things she felt would be in Lexa’s best interest.  Lexa burrowed her face further into the older blonde’s chest, calming down slightly as she felt Anya’s fingers running through her hair. 

Anya sat up slightly as she felt her sister start to disentangle herself from her arms.  Lexa turned away from her slightly and wiped at her face.  Anya reached forward and grabbed a napkin, holding it out for her sister who took it with a sheepish smile before blowing her nose.  Neither girl was usually particularly emotional so Anya hadn’t thought to get tissues. 

They looked at each other for a minute after Lexa had successfully cleared her face of tears.  They studied each other’s faces, trying to see which one of them would start talking and how. 

Anya decided to take the leap and spoke softly, “You can ask any questions you want to, and I promise to answer them as honestly as I can.”

Lexa watched her sister’s face for a few more seconds, trying to sort through all of her own thoughts.  There were so many questions that she wanted to ask the older girl, but she couldn’t bring herself to attack her with words.  Ever since her last night with Clarke so many years ago, she did everything in her power not to let her words get away from her. 

She hoped with everything she had that she would be able to control herself. 

“How could you hide all this from me?”

The broken whisper made its way to Anya’s ears and she felt a pang in her chest, hating that she had brought that out in her sister.  “I don’t know what all Clarke’s told you,” she said slowly.

Lexa’s breath hitched slightly.  She hadn’t realized it until that second, but she had been hoping that her sister would say she had no idea what she was talking about.  She had hoped that Anya would say that she had never lied to her or hidden anything this big from her.  The fact that she knew what Lexa was talking about immediately tore away that last shred of hope that she had desperately been clinging on to. 

“You knew.  You knew where Clarke was this whole time and you knew what she was going through and you didn’t tell me.”

“It wasn’t my place to say anything.  She asked me not to tell anyone.”

“Even once, in four years? You couldn’t give me a single hint that she was still around? Or that you were still talking to her?  Or that she was back living on the streets?  For fuck's sake, Anya, she almost died!”

“Lexa, none of that information was mine to tell.  She asked me explicitly not to tell anyone, and there was no way I was going to betray her trust like that.”  She looked into hard, broken, green eyes and said, “Tell me truthfully, honestly, if I had given you a single bit of information would that have been enough for you?  Would you have been able to handle knowing that she was still in the city and not gone looking for her?  Knowing she’s been living in her car for 3 years would you have been able to pass a parking lot at night and not think about whether or not she was sleeping there?  And what would you have done if you knew about what happened?  She  _begged_ me not to tell anyone she was in the hospital.  After everything that girl has been through, she deserved to have someone actually listen to what she wasn't saying." 

Anya softened a little bit, "Lexa, I didn’t tell you these things because I wanted you to be able to move on.  I didn’t want you to spend this whole time looking everywhere twice, thinking you saw someone who didn’t want to be seen.”

“Yea well I haven’t moved on, An.  It’s been five fucking years and I haven’t moved on.”

“You should, Lexa, you really should.  She’s not the same Clarke she was when you guys were together, and she’s not the same Clarke she was before we met her.  Everything that happened at the end of your guys' relationship broke her more than we could possibly imagine.  Things happen and people change and I don’t know if either of you would be able to handle trying to get back together again.”

Lexa felt all of the breath leave her lungs, trying to process what her sister was _really_ trying to say.  She could tell things were different with Clarke, but she hadn’t thought about what all that might mean for the two of them.  She hadn’t consciously thought about trying to reform a relationship with the medical intern, but hearing Anya talk like this she realized she had been hoping for it.  Lexa would never forgive herself for what happened with Costia, or for letting Clarke walk out of their apartment that night, and she just wanted another chance to make things right.  

Anya had always been their biggest supporter, saying that they were soulmates and meant to be and whatever other cheesy lines she could come up with about them.  If Anya was now saying that they wouldn’t be able to handle being together, something serious must have changed in her ex-girlfriend.  Lexa loved Clarke with everything in her and she couldn’t stand thinking about letting her walk away again.

Their last conversation raced back into Lexa’s head.  She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the story Clarke told all of them, talking about the words she had carved into her own skin again.  That had been almost five years ago – who knows what else the girl had done to herself during that time.  She felt tears fill her eyes again as she thought about the two newest words on her ex-girlfriend’s hips: “ _Despicable_.  _Monster_.”  She looked back at Anya.

“She got into a fight and has permanent brain damage now.  She’s living on the streets again.  She started carving words into her skin again after we broke up, and you _knew_ about it.  I spent years, _years_ , doing everything I could to make sure she would never feel the need to hurt herself like that again, and I’m the one that made her start again - ”

Anya interrupted, not letting her sister continue with that kind of thinking, “No way.  You cannot blame yourself for anything that Clarke has been through in the last four years.”

“Anya, she told us that she thought about leaving because of how she reacted to Wallace showing up again.  She said that me kissing Costia was the final thing that pushed her to think that she didn’t deserve me or love; that all of it made her think she was _despicable_ and _a monster_.  You can’t possibly tell me it had nothing to do with me.  You can't tell me that I'm not at all responsible for her current situation.” 

She raised her voice to speak over Anya’s interruption again, “You can’t tell me that I had no right to try and help her through that again.  You can’t tell me that I shouldn’t have tried to help her with that.  You should have told me what she was going through!”

Anya hadn’t heard her sister yell at her like that before.  She couldn’t deny the fact that her sister was making legitimate points, though.  God knows she could have used her help while dealing with everything Clarke was going through.  Thinking about all the times she had failed to help Clarke in the last four years she felt herself get more aggressive as well.  “I couldn’t tell you anything because she told me not to, Lexa.  She asked me not to say anything and the last thing she needed was the only person left she felt she could trust telling her secrets to the person she was specifically trying to avoid.”

“You still shouldn’t hide things like that from me; I’m your sister!”

“SHE’S MY SISTER TOO.”  How they ended up in a screaming match was beyond both girls.  Anya jumped up from the sofa with her exclamation and stood there, chest heaving, hands burying themselves into her own hair and pulling, eyes wide and tear filled, looking down at her sister.  She could see the stricken look in the green-eyed brunette's face, but she couldn't bring herself to calm down.  “She’s my sister, too, Lexa, and I couldn’t take away her last shred of hope.  The Clarke that called me three days after she left you, terrified of all of the people around her, shaking in fear because she hates crowds didn’t have anyone else she felt she could go to, needed someone that was completely in her corner, she was my sister.  Lexa, you’re my sister and I love you, you know that.  But Clarke’s my sister too.  She was my sister that day you brought her to spend lunch with us and she didn’t say anything on her own for weeks.  She was my sister the first time she told us what was happening in her foster home and spent the next three nights with us, terrified that that shithead Jaha would find her.  She was my sister when Mom and Dad spent months trying to get a fostering license so she could actually be our sister.  She was my sister when you two finally got together and every day after that.  She was my sister when I got a phone call in the middle of the night that she had been taken to the hospital in critical condition and had to spend three days next to her bed, wondering about whether or not she would ever wake up.” Her voice had slowly trailed off to a whisper, but the conviction behind her words never wavered.

“Lexa, she’s my sister too, and I love her as much as I love you, and nothing can change that.  It broke my heart to see her going through all of the things she went through during that time.  When she told me what she had cut into her hip, God, I felt like she used the same knife to stab me in the heart.  She said those words, and she really believed them, and there was nothing I could do.  I had no way of spending enough time with her to make sure she didn’t hurt herself and she absolutely refused to let me help her get a place to stay.  There was nothing I could do to help her in the ways I wanted to, the least I could do was keep my word and not betray her trust.” 

Lexa watched her sister break down in front of her.  She hadn’t seen her sister cry like this in her life – not even when their parents died.  She knew it was wrong of her to minimize her sister’s relationship with the blue-eyed blonde.  Lexa felt the tears making their way down her own face, and stood up from the sofa.  She saw the way Anya’s shoulders were shaking as she paced and she felt horrible for making her usually strong and stoic sister cry. 

Anya turned around only to find herself wrapped in her little sister’s arms.  That feeling caused the dam to break even further and sobs made their way through her body.  Anya cried for all of the times she had failed to protect her little sisters.  She cried for the pain that they both had to go through.  She cried for the shit that Clarke had had to go through in her life.  She cried because she knew she should have done more to help Clarke, but she still didn't know what to do.  She cried for the pain Lexa felt after her girlfriend left and the fact that she couldn’t do anything to help her. 

Lexa let the tears run down her own face as she felt her sister start sobbing even harder.  The law intern had been determined not to let her words mess things up again and she had failed, again.  

“Anya I’m sorry.  God, I'm so sorry.  I know how important she is to you, and I shouldn’t have expected you to betray her confidence like that.”  The green-eyed brunette pulled back to look her older sister in the eyes, wiping the tears off her face and allowing a soft smile to spread across her own, “I’m so sorry that you had to deal with all of that alone for so long.  But you cannot possibly imagine how grateful I am that Clarke wasn’t alone.  Knowing that she had someone like you by her side this whole time makes my heart a little lighter.”

Anya laughed then, choked and throaty, but amused all the same.  "Excuse me, did I just hear the ever conceited Lexa Woods apologize for something?" 

Both of them started laughing at that. 

That was the sight Octavia and Raven walked in on: Anya and Lexa in each other’s arms, tears on both of their faces and emotions swirling around them.  There was still tension in the room, but it was significantly less than it had been.  The two brunettes felt slightly guilty for eavesdropping, but it had been difficult not to hear.  They had arrived at the tail end of the sisters’ discussion/argument and had heard the girls yelling at each other from outside in the apartment building hallway.  They had never heard either of the Woods sisters get so ferocious before, and they were slightly concerned about the condition the apartment would be in when they walked in.

“Oops! Sorry guys, are we interrupting something?  We can come back later…?”  Raven tried to play it off as though they had no idea what was going on.  She understood how therapeutic a good breakdown could be, but she also knew that Anya would be uncomfortable showing so many emotions around others.  She didn’t want the soldier to be uncomfortable with Octavia and Raven witnessing her breakdown.

The two sisters separated quickly, trying to give off a sense of normalcy.  Obviously their friends had already seen them hugging and the tears on their faces, but they could at least act like everything was dandy from here on out. 

The four girls ate pizza that night, and everything really did seem to go back to normal.  The yelling between Anya and Lexa had been cathartic enough to release everything pent up between the two of them and they had both been able to deal with whatever had caused their earlier explosion.

They talked with Raven and Octavia all night, about whatever they thought the absent blonde wouldn’t mind them knowing about.  Lexa told them about stories from when they were younger, shenanigans they got into with Indra and Lincoln.  Anya told about how the younger three of the group always tended to get into trouble and Indra and Anya had to bail them out.  Lexa told them about how it had taken Clarke forever to open up to all of them and be able to actually have fun.  Anya told them all about how Clarke’s recent medical needs, coupled with her own accident that Clarke had insisted on helping, had drained her bank accounts and taken her out of her home.

“She decided to become a paramedic while she was still in medical school, hoping she would be able to make enough to pay off the bills.  She had to give that up when she started her rotations, though,” Anya explained to them all somberly, “She sold her apartment and practically all of her things to pay off her own costs and mine – or, at least, whatever the military wouldn’t cover.”  She chanced a glance at her sister, hoping the younger brunette was ready for what she was about to say, “She tried to join the army in the hopes that she would have some help with the medical bills, a place to live, and a steady income.  She wouldn’t have had to worry about paying her way through the rest of school, either.  The brain damage disqualified her, though, and she's never going to be able to enlist.”  She looked away from everyone else, remembering the night she had found out the next bit of information, “She started taking up odd jobs that she knew would pay well to help out.  I was at a military party once and, obviously, I didn’t expect her to be there.  But there she was, parading around as some ranking official’s arm candy.  I confronted her about it later, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, and apparently she had taken a job with one of her ex-foster fathers, Thelonious Jaha.  The man runs an escort business and he paid hella money.  I tried to convince her to stay the hell away from him and everyone he kept for company and she agreed to find other jobs.  She refused to tell me what other jobs she worked, but she managed to pay off all of my medical bills early last year.  She hasn’t saved up enough to finish her own or be able to afford an apartment yet.” 

The three other girls sat there silently, looking at Anya and hoping she would jump up and say it was all a joke.  Anya must not have known that Raven and Octavia knew about Jaha about as much as Lexa did.  They all knew that Clarke's foster fathers had been into illegal businesses - other than, you know, abusing the children in their care.  Thelonious Jaha, in particular, was a pimp and a drug dealer with connections in every underground business in the area.  The only reason he had ever managed to get a fostering license was because he had money and powerful connections.  He owned the City of Light Pharmaceuticals and had practically all of Los Angeles County in his pocket.  Besides the drugs, he was able to hook up hotshot guys with girls if they ever wanted.  One of his executives, Nia Winters, happened to head the Azgeda Fight Club.  

Lexa felt like she was going to puke.  The idea that Clarke was so desperate to survive that she lowered herself to working for Jaha broke every last barrier Lexa had around her heart.  She would do absolutely everything in her power to get Clarke back into a place where she could live life, live for more than just to survive.  

Octavia felt a chill run through her body.  She had heard horror stories of what went on in Jaha's house when she was younger.  She knew all about what kind of a disgusting man he was and the conditions that he kept his people in.  If Clarke was willing to put up with his shit, then they needed to come up with something to help her.  No one deserved to have to deal with his shit and, from what she had seen and heard, Clarke deserved nothing but the best that the world had to offer.

The night took a somber turn again after that.  All four women sat in the living room, thinking through all of the information they had received.  Anya was hoping that she hadn’t broken Clarke’s confidence irrevocably, knowing that the girl might never trust anyone again if she had.  Lexa was terrified thinking about what all her ex-girlfriend had been through in the last few years.  She wanted so badly to be able to talk to her and help her through all of it.

Raven and Octavia shared a knowing look.  They both knew that they wanted to do something to help the girl out, but they didn't know exactly what they could do.  Lexa and Anya had been a part of their family for the better part of four years, but neither Octavia nor Raven knew anything about this part of their lives.  They hadn't even heard of Clarke's name until she showed up and saved their asses seven months ago.  They were at a loss as to what they would really be able to do to help.

Octavia spoke first, “Bellamy has a friend, Gina, who works as a manager at an apartment complex.  I can try and see if there’s anything we can do to help Clarke get a place there.”

Anya and Lexa both turned to look at the blue-eyed brunette.  She seemed serious about her offer to help the absent blonde.  Raven looked sincere as well.  None of them had serious jobs, though, and Anya’s military income wouldn’t be enough to take care of everything she needed and an extra apartment.  Lexa’s internship didn't pay enough to cover a lease on two apartments.  Between the four of them, they were only just able to pay off their own expenses and none of them could figure out what they could possibly do to bring one more person in.  

They all went to bed dejectedly, none of them having come up with a plan on how to help their newest friend.  Thoughts about what they could possibly do would plague their minds for many days to come.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was it, guys. Lexa's finally gotten the kick she needed to get her head out of her ass. We'll see how she deals with Clarke's situation from here-on-out. 
> 
> Also, I've figured out why people ask for comments and kudos. To everyone who had left either: thank you! You guys make my day :) 
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	8. Finals Are Finally Over! (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew goes out to celebrate Raven and Octavia finishing finals, and they invite a certain blonde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yea I definitely split this chapter up. This part is about 5k and the next is about 10k, so it's not exactly even, but it's something lol. I'll be posting that tomorrow morning, as I just want to go over it one more time but I'm dead exhausted right now. I just want to get this up for you guys and then I'm going to sleep. 
> 
> There is some alcohol in here (like, barely any. I think I just say the word alcohol a couple of times :P), but I know absolutely nothing about what it's actually like so I apologize if anything is inaccurate. Again, I've only ever studied the effects it could have on people. I know nothing about it practically.

Despite their immense desire to help the struggling blonde, none of them were really able to discuss anything until after finals were over.  Anya told them that she would talk to Indra before going back to the base.  The blonde soldier was duly nervous, considering how much time she had spent with Indra and yet she had never given the darker woman any indication that she knew where Clarke was.  Indra and Clarke had had a special relationship many years ago, and Indra was always especially protective of the young blonde.  There was sure to be some big blowout when Anya finally explained everything to her. 

The conversation with Lincoln was painful enough - the young man had always been freely open with his emotions and didn't bother trying to hold anything back.  He had let his emotions come out full force.  Indra was more reserved than he was, but damn if she didn't know how to make you feel like shit.

Raven and Octavia were sucked into finals preparation and no one really saw or heard from them over the next few weeks.  Lexa had been presented with new opportunities at the firm and was working personally with one of the head lawyers, Gustus.  She and Costia were working together a lot and it was all sufficiently exhausting.  Lincoln and Bellamy had both been hella busy at the police station – the end of the school term always brought a rise in petty crime – but even they didn’t talk much.  Lincoln was still beyond pissed at the way Bellamy had treated Clarke.  Bellamy and Octavia hadn’t spoken more than a few cordial words, either, since he showed up at their apartment.  Learning so much more about Clarke’s situation just added to the fire that Octavia felt regarding how her brother treated the younger girl.  Raven, Lexa, and Lincoln had all tried to convince the younger brunette to try and at least talk to her brother, but her fury was a force to be reckoned with.

Raven was beyond stressed about her finals.  This was her final semester of school and if she did well enough on these exams she would be graduating in the winter.  She poured everything she had in her into prepping, and her whole family was rooting for her in the month leading up to the exams. 

Lexa woke up early the day of the two students’ last exams.  She made them their favourite breakfasts – chocolate chip pancakes, chocolate chip waffles, and chocolate chip bagels (the girls just really like chocolate) – and told them that they would all be going out and doing something fun that evening.  The two had been balls of nerves for a month and she knew they were ready to collapse and crumble.  She wanted them to be able to enjoy themselves and relax that night.

Both brunettes met up at their usual spot after their exams that day, huge smiles splitting their faces.  Octavia had reached the spot first and ran towards Raven as soon as she saw her.  The younger brunette jumped into her best friend’s arms and Raven swung her back and forth as best as she could with her brace.  Octavia got off and jumped up and down a few times, holding her hands, and Raven laughed at her best friend’s antics. 

Chuckling, the mechanic said, “You know I love your childish excitement, babe, but we really gotta get back to the apartment before Lexa bites our heads off for being late tonight.  Again.” 

Octavia pouted slightly, but the smile was quickly back on her face when Raven placed a quick kiss on her cheek and started leading her to their car.  They had driven themselves to school that day since Lexa had needed her car.  Raven (literally) hopped into the passenger seat and Octavia had them off to the apartment in no time.

The three girls got out of the apartment by 6:30, looking hot as hell.  They were excited for a night out, especially after such a stressful month.  Lexa led them to their favourite club, The Ark, and they got into a booth towards the back.  None of them were interested in interacting with other people, but they still wanted to have fun. 

Octavia squealed when she saw her boyfriend walk up to their table.  She jumped up immediately, flinging her arms around his neck and burying her face into his shoulder.  The other two avoided looking at the two of them, knowing how affectionate they would be since it had been a month since they had really spent time together. 

Anya and Indra made special appearances, wanting to surprise the two girls.  Jasper and Monty came as well and everyone could tell that Octavia was nervous that Bellamy would show up.  The two of them hadn’t had any sort of significant conversation in the last two months, ever since his blowup, and she knew either things would be hella tense and hostile, or they’d be hella tense and awkward.  Lexa told her at one point that she had invited the older man, but he had neglected to inform her as to whether or not he would be showing up.

The best surprise of the evening, without a doubt, was a certain blonde walking through the door and towards their table an hour and a half into the evening.  Clarke was wearing a crisp, blue oxford shirt tucked into dark jeans with a black blazer draped over one arm.  The shirt accentuated the muscles in her arms, shoulders, and back.  Her sleeves were folded up to the middle of her forearm and showing off the muscles there, and she was wearing a purple and blue paisley tie and a pristine belt.  The silver buckle set just off center was incredibly sexy and everyone's eyes were stuck on her.  The clothes she was wearing happened to show off just how in-shape the medical intern was, and none of them (especially Lexa) could really avoid thoughts flashing through their heads, wondering briefly what she would look like under the clothes.

Clarke made her way over to the table, aware of everyone’s eyes on her.  She saw that they were all ready for a fun party night out and she looked like she was going to a business meeting.  Arriving at the table, she stood there awkwardly for a second, rubbing the back of her neck with her left hand, twisting her fingers into the roots of her long, wavy blonde locks.  The shy girl was definitely caught off guard when, all of a sudden, there was a person in her arms.

Raven couldn’t help it – she had missed the other girl.  Clarke had become very important to her without either of them realizing when it happened, and seeing the younger blonde that day made her giddy with excitement.  She jumped up and wrapped her arms around Clarke’s neck, holding her tight.  She pulled back eventually with a sheepish smile on her face.  Seeing a responding grin and light shining in blue eyes, her own grin spread to a full blown smile.

Octavia saw her best friend throw herself into the newest arrival’s arms.  She felt a small smile spread across her face as Lincoln squeezed her hand and indicated for her to go greet the other girl as well.  Octavia hopped off the end of the booth and found herself pulling the younger girl into a hug as Raven let go of her.  She could tell that Clarke wasn’t much of a hugger and decided to keep it short.  The last thing she wanted was for the girl to be uncomfortable around them.

Clarke definitely wasn’t used to this kind of physical interaction.  She felt herself be pulled into another hug from Octavia as soon as Raven let go of her, but she couldn’t necessarily say she minded.  As much as she tried to relax for the two girls she remained stiff and tight, not really knowing how to respond to the gestures.  

Octavia pulled back from her quickly with a splitting grin on her face and Clarke couldn’t help but return it. 

The two brunette students moved to behind the newcomer, allowing her to greet the others.  She gave quick, small handshakes to both Monty and Jasper, apologizing to them for not being able to introduce herself properly when they came over to the apartment that night two months ago.

Anya, Indra, Lincoln, and Lexa had all stood up together, facing the younger blonde in a straight line.  Clarke approached Anya first, sticking her hand out.  Anya grasped her forearm and they exchanged a curt nod.  Indra was next and they repeated the same motion, but Indra pulled her into a short hug.  Clarke could feel the emotions pouring off of Indra's body, hitting her like a wave.  She felt a distinct stab of guilt run through her, but it was pushed aside as the lieutenant pulled back and gave her a small smile.  They were both women of few words and had always been able to communicate without needing too many words.  The medical intern resolved to meet up with the darker woman one day soon.

Clarke walked away from her and turned to Lincoln, exchanging the same handshake with him.  He pulled her up into a much bigger hug, and she seemed to disappear into his arms.  He eventually put her back on the ground, unable to keep the sheen of tears from building in his eyes or the big grin off his face. 

Lexa was the last one still standing as the other seven had already taken their seats.  They looked at each slightly awkwardly, neither of them knowing what would be appropriate.  Clarke eventually stuck her hand out to grasp Lexa’s forearm and the law intern responded with a small smile and their arms entwining.  A jolt ran up both of their arms at the contact, both of them realizing the significance of this moment.  It had been years since they had partaken in this gesture - this gesture that was a symbol of their family.  Their eyes locked for a moment, losing sight of everything around them.  Clarke eventually broke her gaze.

Blue eyes trailed up and down Lexa's form, taking in the tight, dark blue jeans tucked into boots that raised to mid calf under a white shear top.  Green eyes met her own with mischief in their depths when her head shot back up, realizing how inappropriate it was to be ogling her ex like that. 

Lexa spoke up first, soft enough that only Clarke would hear her words, "Are you going to be okay with us all drinking alcohol?" 

Clarke searched green eyes in front of her, hating the way her heart skipped a beat.  She wasn't used to people caring about her and here Lexa was, remembering this trigger that she had had over half a decade ago.  Thinking about that time made her remember the circumstances around the last time they had seen each other and the blonde was brought back to the moment very quickly.  "Yes, I'll be fine.  I promise." 

Lexa kept her eyes locked with Clarke's for a second longer, wanting to ensure that the younger girl was being honest.  Finding nothing but solid walls completely blocking her out, she had no idea how to actually judge the statement.  The fact that those walls were up at all with her sent another stab of guilt through her heart.  She used to be able to read blue eyes like a story in the sky telling her a beautiful story, and now she was so far outside that she couldn't even see that same shade of blue anymore and she had no one to blame but herself.  

Clarke couldn't handle the connection for that much longer.  “Thanks for the invite,” she said softly, trying desperately to move forward with the night.

Lexa wasn’t entirely sure she had actually heard the words, but smiled softly all the same.  “We’ve only been trying to hang out with you for two months,” she teased.  “We’re all very glad that you were able to make it.”

Octavia called out from the table, interrupting their moment, “Yea!  It’s about damn time the great doctor took some time to have some fun!” 

Clarke chuckled slightly before sliding into the booth behind her ex-girlfriend.  She registered how everyone else was dressed once again and started feeling slightly out of place.  Her left hand reached up to massage the back of her neck again as she said, “Sorry about the attire, all.  I just got off at the hospital and didn’t have time to change before coming here.”

Raven jumped in immediately as she slid into the booth behind the blonde, “Oh, babe, please don’t even worry about it!  You look hot as fuck right now.”  A smug smirk made its way onto the mechanic’s face, obviously starting to feel the effects of the drinks she had had before the medical intern showed up.

The blush that burned up Clarke’s face caused the whole table to break down in laughter, resulting in the girl blushing even harder.  She looked down, toying with the glass of water on the table in front of her. 

Raven and Octavia quickly sent Jasper and Monty to go get the next round of drinks.  They were about to argue that their rule had always been that the last person to the table to buy two rounds for everyone, but the glares the two brunettes sent their way quickly shut them up.  Monty ended up having to double back to ask what Clarke wanted since they didn’t really know what the girl’s style was.

Clarke was about to ask for water just as Anya, Indra, Lincoln, and Lexa all called out a Shirley Temple with low ice.  Everyone looked at the girl then, and she quickly nodded and looked back at the table, hoping to get the attention off of her.

Lexa could see how uncomfortable the medical intern was and she wished she could do something to help.  When things like this happened before, the law intern was able to pull the blonde into her lap and distract her by playing with their hands and talking softly into her ear, distracting the nervous girl and letting her get lost in the idea that they were in a world with just the two of them.  She couldn't do that anymore.

“So, Clarke, what’s with the kiddy drink?  We’ve already got dear Lexa to be our designated Mommy tonight so you’re free to drink as much as you’d like!”  Octavia looked very excited about her offer and Clarke almost felt bad to have to shut her down.

“Sorry, ma’am, but I actually don’t drink.  I prefer to be able to keep my wits about me in case any pretty girls need saving again,” the smirk she threw at Octavia and Raven caught everyone else off guard, distracting them enough to brush over what she was really saying.

“Seriously?  We've been over this: I’m younger than you, there’s literally no need to call me ‘ma’am’.”  Octavia huffed. 

Raven jumped in at that point, “Yea, kid, I thought we talked about this.  We use names here, not titles.”  Looking at everyone else at the table, she giggled, “Like how Indra is technically Lieutenant and Anya is a big bad Captain right now but they’re still Indi-poo and Ya-Ya!”

The rest of the table burst out into laughter as Anya and Indra both blushed bright red.  Jasper and Monty returned with the drinks at that exact moment, sparing them from any more embarrassment. 

They spent a few hours out that night, all just hanging out and getting to know what had been going on in everyone’s lives.  Clarke didn’t say much beyond a simple: “Work has been very busy” and no one pushed her.  They didn’t want her to feel like she would be attacked every time she hung out with them.

Around 9:30, after everyone else was sufficiently drunk and enjoying themselves on the dance floor, Raven, Clarke, and Lexa were sitting at the table talking.  Raven was talking about her exam that day and Clarke was soaking up every word.  She loved seeing the passion in brown eyes and it warmed her heart that Raven truly loved what she was doing.

Their attention was caught when a tall shadow loomed over their table.  All of their heads turned as Raven’s story was cut off mid-sentence.  Bellamy was standing there with his hands in his pockets, shuffling from foot to foot, barely able to maintain eye contact with anyone.  His eyes flitted over to the stranger-girl sitting at the end of the table, so close to him.  He eyed her, giving her a once over, and the tension in his face only built up. 

Lexa and Raven exchanged looks, seeing the way Bellamy was looking at Clarke.  They hadn’t been able to protect her from his comments last time, but they’d be damned if they didn’t jump to her defense tonight.

Clarke surprised them all, though, when she jumped up and said, “Good evening, Detective Blake.  I’m afraid we weren’t able to meet officially last time.  My name is Clarke Griffin.  It’s very nice to meet you.”

Bellamy eyed the hand extended towards him.  Looking at the other two ladies at the table, he saw their expectant gazes and grasped her hand in his own.  She made a motion for Bellamy to take a seat and he decided to pull up a chair instead of joining them in the booth.  Clarke waved down a server as they walked by and Bellamy ordered his drink. 

They sat there in an uncomfortable silence.  Clarke tried asking him some questions to break through the tension but received nothing but one-word answers.  Eventually she ran out of questions to bullshit and they went back to a heavy silence. 

The blonde could hear her blood pounding in her ears.  She had been terrified of running into Octavia's brother again, knowing that things would go downhill quickly if anyone found out about their last conversation.  She had intended on not showing up tonight, knowing Bellamy was going to come for the sole reason to make sure she didn't, but she wasn't able to turn Lexa down more than two times.  Feeling the throbbing in her skull, Clarke reached into the pocket on the inside of her coat and gripped her inhaler tight.

About fifteen minutes after Bellamy arrived the DJ took a break.  Everyone on the dance floor made their ways back to the table.  Octavia and Lincoln led the way back and as they got closer the giant smiles fell off their faces and they stopped short of the table.  Anya was dragging a huffing Indra behind her, who obviously had not wanted to go dancing, and their faces hardened as well.  Jasper and Monty stood at the back awkwardly, not knowing what to do. 

Bellamy stood up out of his seat as he saw his sister stop and look at him.  The anger in her eyes was like a dagger through his heart and he hoped he would be able to fix things or make her see things clearly.  Shuffling closer, he offered her a small smile and said, “Hey, O.  Congrats on finishing your exams.”  Getting a small nod and a grunt in response he pushed on, “Could I, maybe, steal you for a little bit to talk?”

Octavia looked quickly at Raven before locking eyes with Clarke.  She knew that the younger blonde would never tell her to stay away from her brother but she still wanted to make sure she was okay.  Receiving a soft smile in response to her unspoken question, Octavia looked to her brother and nodded for him to follow her as she walked away.

The group of friends watched the brother-sister duo walk away, concern written across all of their faces.  They knew that Bellamy was protective of his baby sister, but they also knew that Octavia was more independent than Bellamy liked.  As protective as Bellamy was of Octavia, she was at least that protective of her friends, if not moreso. 

The two Blakes walked to the bar and asked the bartender, Ryan, if there was a room they could talk in.  The group had been there often enough that the staff knew them so Ryan led them to a storage room in the back.  He left the two quickly, feeling the tension and not wanting to get caught in that explosion. 

Bellamy stood there, waiting for Octavia to say something.  When he realized that she wasn’t going to start the conversation he sighed, “O, I’m so so sorry for what happened.”  Still not getting a response, he pushed on, “I didn’t mean to offend you and I didn’t mean to imply anything about you or Raven.  You know I love you both and your history means nothing about who you are.  I just – I just want to protect you like I failed to do when you were younger.”

Octavia scoffed, “See that’s the thing.  You’re so stuck on thinking of me as the 11-year-old little sister who needs protecting.  Bellamy, I’ve grown up.  I’m older now and I’m able to take care of myself.  I don’t need you policing my every interaction with people.”  She paused, “And, by the way, you’re completely wrong.  My history _made_ me who I am.  I am strong, independent, and I can stand up for myself in any situation because I had to through practically all of my teen years.  You cannot possibly imagine what I went through and how that’s shaped me.  If you think that nobody has a story speaking for who they have become, you’re gonna fuck up a lot more than you already have.”

“Sure, O, but do you know anything about this girl’s story?  Have you bothered to look into who she used to be or what she used to do?  Or did you just hear everything she said and roll with it?”

“As a matter of fact, asshole, she didn’t tell us anything.  She hasn’t told us anything about who she is or what she’s done.  We’ve been talking to Anya, her fucking  _foster_ _sister_ , and Lexa, her _ex-girlfriend_ , to hear who she used to be.  Clarke doesn’t like talking about herself, and seeing judgmental douchecocks like you I can see why.”

Bellamy decided to ignore that comment and pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket.  He held it up for Octavia to see, explaining when she ignored it and stared at him, “I have her police records.   This is a list of _some_ of the things I’ve seen on it.  The actual folder could fill a 2” binder.”  He read off the list, gaining momentum as he went, “Petty theft, 6 cases of assault, running from the police, damaging property, resisting arrest, and Octavia she was fucking caught working as an ‘escort’.”  He crumpled the list in his hand and stalked closer to his sister, “You have no fucking clue who this girl is or how dangerous she can be.  She assaulted two guys twice her size when she was 16 and she fucked them up enough to land them in the hospital.  You said you met her because she took down those three football players.  You’d best hope you don’t piss her off if that’s how she reacts because you wouldn’t stand a chance.”  He put his hands on her biceps, leaning down so he could look his sister in the eyes, “O – Octavia – I love you.  You know that.  You’re my baby sister and all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be safe and happy.  This girl has too much in her past to make her safe for any of you.  People like her are capable of anything and the last thing I want is for you to get hurt.”

“If you wanted me to not be hurt you should have kept your goddamn mouth shut,” Octavia sneered.  “You looked at a file, read the words on a paper with one side of a story, and decided that was all you needed to know.  You completely disregarded everything I’ve been through and everything you know about the shit that happens in the foster system.  Do you even know who her foster fathers were?  Do you know why she might have damaged property or who she put in the hospital?  You don’t know jack shit about this girl and you’re so goddamn ready to damn her to hell without getting to know her.”  She stepped closer into her brother’s space, glaring into his face, “You have no right to say anything about what kind of person she is.  You have no right to condemn her actions without getting to know anything about her.  You have no _right_ to come into _my_ life and tell me who I can and cannot spend time with.  Son of a bitch, this is exactly why I moved in with Lexa and Raven.  You think you know everything about protecting me, but all you want to do is control my life.  You may think you’re my savior but, news flash big brother, you’re not.”

“Octavia I know you think you know what you’re doing but you really don’t!  You don’t know people like her!  You can’t take everything you’ve heard about her at face value.”

“Oh really?  I’m the one taking things at face value?”  She laughed incredulously before spitting out, “You’ve read a piece of paper and you think you know every last thing about her.  You’ve heard a few things about this girl and attacked her from the second you met her – which, by the way, it was incredible the way she handled herself.  If you _ever_ spoke like that to me I would’ve punched you in the fucking throat.”  She took a menacing step towards him and lowered her voice, “Don’t ever presume that you have the right to tell me what I need.  Don’t ever think that you know what it’s like to live a life the way Clarke, Raven, and I have.  You can read as much as you want, but you don’t know jack-all until you go through it yourself.  Stay the fuck away from me and the fuck away from my family.”

Bellamy reached out as she turned to walk away, grabbing her arm and pulling her back to face him, “Octavia, I have more than enough information to have her arrested.  I know she's a part of an illegal escort service in the area, I know she knows about an underground fight club, I know she’s living in her car, all of which are illegal.  Keep the fuck away from her or I can make her stay away from you.”

Octavia tore her hand out of his grasp and punched him in the face, following up with a kick to the sternum, beyond thankful her anatomy classes and combat skills lessons taught her all of the vulnerable spots people don’t expect to be hit. “If you really think that’s the way to make me listen to you don’t know the first thing about me.  If you think I’m going to sit back and let you threaten my friends and not do anything about it, you’re stupid as fuck.”  She took a step towards him again, meeting his eyes as the blood dripped out of the split on his cheek, “If you ever try to tell me how to live my life again, I will destroy you.  If you ever try to control me like this again, use my family as leverage against me, or you don’t change this stupid-ass mindset of yours, then you’re dead to me.” 

Octavia left her brother on the floor in the storage room, blood running down his face quickly followed by tears, and walked back into the club.  She stopped by the bar quickly to ask Ryan for a bag of ice for her hand before going back to the table.  She plastered a big smile on her face as she saw everyone watching her.  Sliding into the booth next to Raven she called out, “I’m back, bitches, what’d I miss?”  She ignored the way everyone was looking at her expectantly and took the shot from in front of Raven and downed it.

Raven watched her best friend down her shot and studied her face.  She could see the way her jaw was tensed, the tendons and veins on the side of her neck popping out.  She looked down to see the ice on her right hand and sighed.  Gently, she reached over and grabbed her unhurt hand and wrapped their fingers together.  Octavia’s head shot over to look at her and Raven saw the pain and sadness hidden in blue eyes.  Giving the girl a sad smile she squeezed her hand before turning back to the table, allowing Octavia to get back to a façade of calm and normalcy.

Everyone quickly went back to joking and messing around, definitely heading towards drunk at this point.  None of them were able to really think about the fact that Bellamy hadn’t come back or that Octavia was quieter than she had been before she left, but Clarke definitely noticed.  Sitting next to Raven, she saw the ice on her hand and she felt terrible.  The last thing she had ever wanted was to create problems in their family. 

Clarke could feel the guilt making its way back to the front of her mind.  Bellamy had told her to stay away and she had agreed.  She shouldn't have shown up tonight.  She went back on her word and now Octavia's relationship with her brother was getting even worse.  Clarke could feel her heart rate increase as she felt the weight of her actions start to get heavier and heavier.  The medical intern could only hope that she was able to get the hell out of there before things got too bad and she ruined the night again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually taken the class that Octavia mentioned in the first chapter (Behavioral Neuroanatomy/Biological Psychology), and that's where I got all of my information on alcohol from lol. We spent some time on it in class and that's as far as my knowledge extends. 
> 
> On that note, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! There will be only one more chapter with Bellamy, and Clarke's going to be able to give him a piece of her mind in that one. After the next chapter, things will start getting less angsty. I don't know how much less, but it'll be less lol. 
> 
> I didn't want to really get into it, but I can't bring myself not to say anything at all. I've realized that I have very unpopular (damned) opinions about the shooter this morning. However, no matter what, one thing that absolutely everything can agree on is that what happened was beyond fucked up. The man was a demon and I'm so sorry to everyone else feeling the pain, so so sorry to the other people out there who, like me, are not out in their communities and are terrified to say anything. Love is love, and anyone who is too blind to see that doesn't deserve a place in our lives. If anyone wants to talk at all, my tumblr is: theysaythejobisjinxed


	9. Finals Are Finally Over! (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of the get-together at the bar. Clarke and Lexa have a much needed conversation as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm going to apologize if this is not how people act after drinking. I've never had alcohol and I've never even been around people who have been drinking. Please forgive me for any inaccuracies.
> 
> Edited 11:00 PM PST: Sorry guys! There was one bit at the end that I missed transferring from my document to here!

They spent about another hour out at the club.  Clarke had insisted that all of them drink waters to help with the hangovers that were inevitable after that night, and they were starting to sober up a little.  Monty’s boyfriend, Miller, had shown up towards the end to take him and Jasper home.  Everyone gave them good wishes as they left. 

After the guys left, everyone left turned back to their drinks.  Clarke was still sitting relatively quietly and the others didn't necessarily notice thanks to the drinks they were drinking.  The medical intern was enjoying just watching the others enjoy themselves.  The only thing she had ever wanted was for her old family to find a new one and to be happy and seeing them like this was almost enough to help stave off the headache pounding behind her eyes.  All she wanted at this point was to be able to get to her car and away from their eyes before her condition consumed her once more. 

Her attention was brought back to the people at the table when she felt everyone's eyes on her.  She focused back on them, avoiding the green eyes next to her, and cleared her throat, "I'm so sorry.  I must have missed what you just said." 

Octavia and Raven were calmed by her sheepish smile.  The alcohol in their system was fighting the voice in the back of their heads telling them not to speak, and eventually the alcohol won. 

Raven spoke up this time, "We were just saying that there's an apartment on our floor that just opened up!  How awesome would it be if you could live right by us!?"

The headache that Clarke was just able to ignore was now back at the forefront of her attention.  She felt her hands start to shake and promptly pulled them onto her lap under the table.  She hadn’t been aware that the girls knew just how bad her situation was.  “Actually, Ms. Reyes – ah, Raven, I’m good for the time being.  I’m not looking for a place just now.” 

Raven and Octavia were still very much emboldened by the alcohol and pressed the issue, “No really!  Just move in down the hall and we’ll actually be able to hang out more!  You can stop living in your car and keep your things in an actual place.”

Shit.  Anya must have talked to them.  She was starting to feel really crowded and it was getting gradually more difficult to breathe.  Raven had been sitting on her side and when Octavia sat down next to Raven they had pushed Clarke even further into the booth.  The lack of a getaway option was starting to make her feel like the walls were closing in and she could feel herself get more and more short of breath.  Knowing what happened when she didn’t get enough oxygen, her hands started shaking harder as she loosened her tie and quietly asked if she could make her way out of the booth.

Both brunette students exchanged concerned looks, sobering a little at the distressed sound in her voice.  Raven gently placed a hand on her shoulder, but retracted it quickly when the girl jerked away violently, screwing her eyes shut and taking rapid breaths, “Hey, kid, are you okay?”

“Yea, Clarke, we’re sorry if we made you uncomfortable or anything.”

Clarke used all of her energy to lift her head to look at the girls next to her.  She wasn’t able to see them properly; everything had already started turning fuzzy.  Trying to form words was a challenge at this point and she hoped they would understand what she was about to say, “’Sokay.  Can I – I have – I, um, need inhaler.”

Everyone at the table sobered up really quickly at that.  Octavia and Raven rushed out of the booth, allowing the girl to stumble out behind them.  Unable to hold herself up, she felt her legs collapse under her and was completely prepared to fall to the floor.  She was surprised, however, when two arms grabbed her before she could reach there and felt herself be hauled into their arms.  Recognizing the height, she realized that Octavia had saved her ass.

“I’ve got you.  You’re okay.  It’s okay.”                                    

She was trembling at that point, black spots swimming in her vision.  She leaned heavily into Octavia’s embrace, regretting it as she did it but unable to stop herself.  She heard a muffled voice, asking where her inhaler was, and managed a grunted “Jacket”.

Lexa, Anya, Indra, and Lincoln had all moved to the edge of the booth without actually standing up, not wanting to crowd the girl any further.  Lexa heard her answer and quickly dug into the jacket that Clarke had left on the seat, pulling the red contraption out of the inside pocket.  She handed it to Raven who immediately shook it and then placed it into Clarke’s limp hand, curling her fingers around it to make sure she had a good grip.  When the girl’s hand fell open, Raven decided to take the plunge and just raised the inhaler directly to her lips.  Allowing the younger girl to take her time in opening her mouth, she pressed down on the top as her lips wrapped around it.  Clarke took a deep inhale of the oxygen and pulled her mouth away, allowing it to make its way to her lungs.  They repeated the process twice more before Raven placed the lid on the inhaler, handing it back to Lexa, who slipped it back into the jacket pocket.

Octavia maintained her grip around the girl’s waist, feeling her slump even further into her as the inhaler was put away.  She silently indicated to everyone else that they should be leaving and everyone got up to make their way to the parking lot.  As they walked, Octavia regretted drinking as much as she did, although the water Clarke had made them all drink helped them come down from their buzzes a bit.  The girl in her arms was barely able to walk at all, seemingly having lost control of her right side, and Octavia herself wasn’t able to walk without stumbling around.  The stress from what had just happened helped her sober up a little bit as well, so she was definitely able to help Clarke, but it was much more difficult than it could have been.

They made their way outside and Clarke started pushing against the arms around her.  She pulled out of the younger brunette’s grasp and turned around to face her.  Still not completely coordinated, however, she stumbled into Raven, who caught her easily.  She absolutely fucking hated when this happened around other people and it was one of the many reasons she always refused to go out with coworkers. 

“Hey there, champ.  Slow down a little bit and we’ll get you home,” Raven said softly.

“Thank you Raven, but my car’s right here so I’m good.”

Everyone could tell how much effort it took her to get that one sentence out coherently and felt horrible for the condition she was in.  Anya stepped forward slightly, “Sorry, kid, no can do.  We’re not leaving you in your car, parked at some club in the middle of the night.  You’re definitely coming home with us.”

Clarke bristled slightly and slurred, “I don’t have to stay here.  Just get me to my car and I’ll find a park somewhere.”

“Clarke, you’re in no shape to drive.  You can barely stand up and you can’t even focus on anything.  I can bet you anything you’ve lost your right side and won’t have that or your vision back for at least another hour.  Considering everything, I figured you, of all people, would know the effects of driving while cognitively impaired.”  Anya knew it was a low blow, but she also knew that they didn’t have much time before the other girl collapsed.

Clarke tried to glare at the soldier, but another wave of dizziness hit her and she knew she was either about to barf or black out.  This one didn’t seem like it was as severe as most of the other episodes she’d had and she hoped it would be over before it got too extreme.  Everything went black at that point, though, and she knew she was out.

Lexa and Octavia both lunged forward to help Raven take the brunt of the girl’s weight.  Together, the three of them managed to hold her up easily and they looked around for what to do.  Indra told Lincoln to grab her and carry her back to the girls’ apartment.  None of them were in any position to drive so her car would have to stay there overnight. 

They walked at a very slow pace, offering to help Lincoln carry the girl whenever he faltered.  She may have been small, but the girl was solid muscle and there was definitely some weight there.  The brawny man struggled for the simple fact that he was still feeling the effects of the alcohol he had consumed throughout the night, albeit less than before.  A little past halfway between the club and the apartment he felt her start to stir in his arms.  Lincoln stopped and looked down at Clarke, seeing her face scrunch up and a grimace make its way to her face.  Brown eyes watched her face carefully, widening as he realized she was about to be sick.  He quickly made his way to the side of the sidewalk and set her down.

Everyone stopped when Lincoln did, ready to offer him a break, and they all jumped out of the way when he ran to the side while frantically putting the girl on the ground.  Anya knew what was happening immediately as it was common after such episodes and rushed forward to keep the girl’s hair back as everything in her stomache came out violently.  Shudders wracked through her body for a few minutes before the retching stopped. 

The medical intern slumped back, falling to her bum on the floor.  In the back of her mind she was aware of the fact that these clothes would have to go to the dry cleaner first thing in the morning, but she was primarily aware of all of the eyes on her.  She saw Anya standing next to her, hand extended, and grabbed it as she hauled herself up.  She swayed a little bit, still extremely disoriented, but she managed to stay on her feet.  Clarke looked around at everyone else and realized that she could actually see them, meaning the worst of this episode had passed. 

Turning to look into Lincoln’s eyes, she gave an incredibly sheepish smile and said, “I’m sorry you had to carry me so far, but thank you so much.” 

Lincoln released a huff at her and gave her a soft smile, placing a hand on her left shoulder.  Wordlessly, he reassured her that there was nothing to thank him for and that she was safe.  His emotions were always available for anyone that looked and it was one of her favourite things about her pseudo brother.

Before the girl could say anything, Anya had grabbed her hand in her own and started walking them back towards the apartment.  She knew Clarke was still not properly stable and offered her as much support as she could.  Considering everyone except for Clarke was relatively drunk, none of them would have been able to help her the right way.

Clarke tried arguing as they walked a little, but her words were slurring and she couldn’t afford to split her attention between that and working with her right side.  It was still weak and she was struggling enough. 

They reached the apartment building and all made their way to the elevator.  They wouldn’t all fit at once, so Lincoln, Indra, and Octavia volunteered to take it on its second round.  Anya, Lexa, and Raven led the girl into the elevator and then down the hallway when they reached their floor.  Lexa and Anya stayed holding Clarke while Raven went to open the apartment door.  They led her in, slightly worried at how quiet she was being. 

Anya led her directly to the sofa, sitting her down and having Lexa go get her a cup of water.  Raven sat down next to her and said, “Hey, kid, you back with us?”

Clarke looked at Raven, seeing the concern on her face, and felt like shit.  She had ruined their night again.  “Yes ma – Uh, yea.  I’m fine.”

The younger blonde refused to meet her eyes and Raven felt so bad.  She knew that pity was the last thing anyone wanted in that situation, though, so she let it drop. 

Lexa came back into the room at that moment with a cup of water in one hand and apple juice in the other.  Clarke took the water in her left hand, slowly raising her right hand to shakily wrap around the cup.  She raised it to her lips and took a few long sips, lowering it when she was done.  Anya coughed at her from somewhere behind her and she huffed; she had to finish the whole cup. 

Lexa smirked slightly at the childish huff, and turned to see her sister rolling her eyes at the girl on the sofa.  When Clarke was done with the water, Lexa grabbed it from her hands and offered her the apple juice.  Blue eyes met her own and she felt her breath catch at the beauty swirling behind everything else there.  She wanted to be able to stare into those eyes forever and see all of the secrets they held, all of the pain, but she couldn’t – not right now, at least.  She took the apple juice from her hand with a shy smile and their connection was broken. 

Octavia, Indra, and Lincoln all came through the door at that moment and each grabbed a cup of water from the counter.  After drinking it, Octavia came and sat next to Raven on the sofa while Lincoln sat on the other side of Clarke.  Indra and Anya stood across from all of them near the wall and Lexa sat on the love seat. 

They all sat silently for a minute, no one knowing how to start any sort of conversation.  All of a sudden, Raven remembered the state her best friend’s hand was in earlier and her head shot to the side to see it again.  Sure enough, her right hand was covered in dried blood and she could see the bruises forming underneath the blood.  Her eyes flitted up to meet the wide blue eyes staring at her and she tried hard to ignore the way she was lightly shaking her head.  The aerospace mechanics student wanted to say something about taking care of her hand, but when the hand in question was placed softly over her own with a squeeze she acquiesced.  Octavia didn’t want a scene in front of everybody so she would deal with it later.

Raven wasn’t the only one who remembered the hand, though, and Clarke had looked over as well.  She saw the interaction between the two best friends and the guilt weighing down on her chest was starting to suffocate her.  She shuffled slightly in her seat before leaning forward to place the empty cup of apple juice on the table in front of her.  “Thank you all for inviting me out tonight, and I could not apologize enough for the way things turned out again.  I appreciate the water and the juice, and I will be out of your hair now.”  Beginning to stand up, she turned to say her congratulations to the two girls next to her before walking out.

As Clarke was standing up, Raven’s hand wrapped around hers and her own blue eyes met brown eyes next to her.  Obviously on the same wavelength, Octavia called out at the same time, “Wait! You can’t leave yet.”  She looked into blue eyes and couldn’t help but sit back down.  Unconsciously, she met Lexa’s green eyes, both of them feeling a pang at those words.

Anya spoke up before anyone could say anything else.  “Listen, kid, you can’t leave tonight.  I don’t care how much you argue or whatever, you need to rest properly if you want to recover from this episode.”

“Anya, you say that as if it’s the first time I’ve been through this.  I deal with it alone every other time.  I know how to handle it.”

“That very well may be true, but now that you have people around you there’s no way in hell we’re letting that happen.”  Grey eyes locked onto blue and there was a severe battle of wills.  The two most stubborn people they knew were going head-to-head and the tension was palpable. 

“It’s already past midnight and I have to be at the hospital by 6.  If you’re so damn set on me staying here overnight, how do you think you’re going to fit all of us here?”

Lexa chimed in on that one, “Easy!  Lincoln can sleep with Octavia, Anya can sleep with Raven, Indra likes the sofa in Octavia’s room anyways, and you can sleep with –”

Blue eyes locked with green again as the law intern cut herself off.  Tension was back between them and they quickly averted their gazes. 

“If you’re determined to have me here over night, I’ll stay out here.  I really don’t want to displace anyone on their own bed.”  Seeing that Anya was about to argue, Clarke glared at her. 

Anya raised her hands in surrender, knowing that this was the best they would get from the other girl.  She was actually surprised they had managed to convince her to stay so fast. 

Everyone left to go get ready for bed, but Clarke remained seated on the sofa in the same position.  All of her belongings were in her car and she hated the idea of it sitting somewhere alone.  She was always terrified leaving it in new places.  She didn’t trust anyone as it was and Los Angeles hadn’t done much to reassure her it was safe.  She couldn’t afford to lose anything in there. 

The blonde leaned back on the sofa, resting her head on the back.  She looked up at the ceiling, trying to clear her mind of all thoughts.  She was unsuccessful, however, and her mind was swirling around whatever the fuck was going on with Lexa, guilt for what happened between Octavia and her brother, guilt for ruining the congratulatory night, and hating her brain for fucking her like it did. 

Clarke was brought out of the whirlwind of emotions when she heard a soft voice calling her name.  She turned her head to the side, taking the effort to actually lift it and sit up slightly, feeling her blonde locks fall across her cheek.  Octavia and Raven were at the entrance of the living room, still somewhat in the hallway, as if they were afraid of coming out and talking to her.  She gave them a smile and shifted on the sofa so there was a (hopefully) inviting spot next to her.

The two girls walked towards her nervously, still looking towards the ground, the ceiling, the walls, anywhere but at her.  Octavia sat on the sofa next to her, watching her own hands as she wrung them around each other.  Raven sat on the love seat at the side, propping her leg up on the footrest in front of it.  Brown eyes were watching Octavia intently, still avoiding looking at the girl between them.  Clarke felt a small smile creep across her face, trying desperately to hide it so the two brunettes didn’t think she was laughing at them, but they were still obviously feeling the effects of the alcohol from earlier and whatever this interaction was it was rather amusing.

Seeing Octavia wince slightly, Clarke straightened up immediately.  Remembering the condition her hand was in earlier the medical intern jumped up and stumbled into the kitchen to find the first-aid kit she had stocked for them.  Bringing it back to the sofa, she got to her knees in front of the younger brunette, hoping her coordination was intact enough to stay there.  But medicine was her element and she never faltered under pressure with her equipment in her hands.  She looked into blue eyes reassuringly, gently grasping both hands and rubbing her thumbs across the back, hoping it would calm the girl down a little bit.  Eventually, Octavia’s hands unclenched and Clarke gave her an award winning smile, causing a responding grin to break across Octavia’s face. 

Raven watched her new friend interact with her best friend and felt the guilt weigh down even heavier.  The girl crouching in front of the sofa gave Octavia a smile that literally lit up the whole room and Raven could practically feel warmth emanating off of the blonde.  She was so tender with Octavia’s hands as she gently uncurled them, having her straighten her fingers as much as she could.  Assessing whatever it was she saw, she pulled out a bottle of something, a pack of gauze, and a roll of tape.  She explained what she was doing loud enough for Raven to hear as she was getting the materials out, obviously aware that the aerospace engineer was watching them like a hawk.

“I have some providone-iodine solution here; it’s an anti-septic and will remove any chance of infection from the cuts.  The amount of grime and bacteria on a person’s face at any given time of the day is always concerning, but even moreso when all of that has the potential to get into your bloodstream.  It would’ve been better to do this right away, but I didn’t have many supplies on my person.”  She paused to look into Octavia’s eyes, “This might sting.”  The hiss that left Octavia’s lips when Clarke started dabbing gently was enough to tell Raven that the medical intern had been right.  “I’m going to put some of the solution on the gauze as well.  The tape is going to help that stay down against your knuckles so you’ll be able to use your hand regularly.”  Completing her task, she started packing up the kit and said, “You didn’t seem to do any serious damage so I’m not too worried.  You should be free to take that off by tomorrow night.  If the bruising gets worse throughout the night and it keeps bleeding, please call me and I’ll take a look at it again.”

She stood up again to go put the kit back in the cupboard but she stumbled slightly on her first step, walking directly into the arm of the sofa.  The blonde growled lowly before she could stop it and blushed furiously at the giggle that left the buzzed girls in the living room.  Clarke quickly put the box away and walked back to the sofa, sitting down immediately.  However, her posture was rigid and her hands were shaking again so she tried to fold them on her lap and try to hide it, but she knew it was a lost cause.

Octavia exchanged looks with Raven, neither of them knowing how to start the conversation they so desperately wanted to.  Octavia decided to just take the plunge and start talking, "Clarkey, we're sorry we made you uncomfortable earlier.  It was rude and tactless and we didn't want to offend you or freak you out or anything."

Raven piped in as Octavia paused for a breath, “Yea, kid, the last thing we wanted was for you to feel ambushed.  We just wanted you to know about the option of living here, but we also could have done it without blindsiding you, I guess.”

Clarke listened as both girls trailed off, taking deep breaths through her nose, trying to remain as calm as possible.  The stress of conversations is 100% why she avoids social interactions at all cost – or, at least, why she used to avoid them.  Her only reprieve was that they were such adorable drunks.  Taking another deep breath, she looked from Octavia to Raven, “Really, guys, you have nothing to apologize for.  I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did and I’m sorry for freaking out.  I appreciate the thought and the idea, but I really just am not able to afford a place right now and I’m trying to focus more on school than anything.” 

Turning to Octavia she said, “Ms Bla – Octavia, I don’t know what happened between you and your brother, but I’m so incredibly sorry for creating tension in your family.  I told him already that I would stay away and I did try, but Lexa wouldn’t let me turn down tonight.”  Looking back to Raven, Clarke said, “I really wanted to congratulate you for finishing your exams today, and I’m sorry I ruined that.  Your gifts are both in my car and I will drop them off for you on my way to work in the morning.”

Octavia was stuck on one particular thing she said.  Her mouth opened and closed a few times, unable to properly produce the words she wanted to say.  Finally, she was able to get out, “What the fuck do you mean you told Bellamy you would stay away?  When did you talk to him?”

Clarke was worried that she had said something wrong now.  Her hands started shaking harder and she cursed her fucked up brain for not allowing her to hide her nervousness.  “He stopped by the hospital a few days after I was here last time and we talked for a while.  Essentially, the conversation ended with an agreement that I would stay away and not bother you any more.”

Both brunettes exchanged horrified looks.  None of them had had any idea that Clarke had had any further interactions with Bellamy; they had genuinely thought the girl was just working more and more. 

Octavia scooted closer to the girl and grabbed her trembling hands in her own.  The shaking there was the only indication that the girl was even feeling anything seeing as her face was a mask of complete indifference.  “Clarke, you listen to me and listen close.  Bellamy had absolutely no right to come to you like that.  He had no right to hunt you down and threaten you with whatever he did to get you to stay away from us.  I don’t care what he said to you, I don't want you to stay away from us.  I want you to be comfortable hanging out with all of us."

Clarke refused to meet blue eyes.  “Octavia, your brother didn’t have to threaten me to convince me to stay away.  He made too many good points and had too many solid arguments that I couldn’t even try to beat.  The logical conclusion truly was just to leave you all alone.”  She wasn’t able to stop the bitter laugh that made its way through her teeth, “After all, if I had just stayed away tonight your evening would’ve gone far better than it did, wouldn’t it?”

“Clarke, you can’t blame yourself for what happened tonight,” Raven interjected.  “We shouldn’t have pushed you the way we did.  I mean, yea we've been drinking, but that doesn't mean we didn't fuck up." 

“Raven, I won’t argue that the alcohol impaired your judgment in how to approach the subject, but you had every right to bring it up.  I appreciate the concern for where I’m living but you really don’t have to worry about me.”  She continued before the other two could interject, “However, I knew that there was a chance Mr. Blake was going to show up so I should have just stayed away.”  She turned to Octavia and hesitantly met blue eyes, “Octavia, I’m so completely sorry about what has happened between you and your brother recently.  I don’t know what he told you, and I don’t know what you said, but I know how to recognize when someone punched another person.  I hate whatever position I’ve put you in regarding your brother and I swear to you I will stay as far away as possible if you want – “

Octavia cut her off by throwing her arms around the rambling girl’s neck.  Clarke stared at the wall, wide eyed, as the girl in front of her disappeared and reappeared as a weight in her arms.  Brown hair was tickling her cheek with a nose pressed into her neck.  It was the tears she felt puddling on her shoulder that made her pull the girl back slightly, just enough so she could look her in the eye.

Clarke’s eyes met Octavia’s, swimming in unshed tears as their brothers made rivers down her cheeks.  Clarke carefully raised her hands to frame the face in front of her, using her thumbs to wipe away the tears there.  She shushed the other girl, waiting for her to start taking in hitched breaths.  The medical intern chanced a glance at the girl sitting on the love seat to see her crying as well and mentally rolled her eyes – alcohol made people so weird.

“Shhh.  There’s nothing to cry about.  Shh, it’s all okay,” she tried to comfort.  Clarke didn’t know what exactly had caused the two girls to start the waterworks, though, so she didn’t know what else she could really do.  They calmed down quickly, though, so she didn’t have to think about it too much.

“Clarkey I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Nah, please, don’t even worry about it.”  Giving them what she hoped was a comforting smile she said, “I know more than most what kind of effects alcohol can have on people.”

Octavia pouted sadly before speaking, “Please don’t stay away.  I don’t want you to stay away and I don’t want to deal with my brother if he’s going to be mean to you.” 

Clarke chuckled slightly at the childish tone the younger brunette had adopted. 

Raven chimed in behind her, “Yea!  It’s not very nice of him to say mean things about you.  You’re so nice and cute, there’s not a mean bone in your body!”  She paused for a second to think.

Octavia continued for her, “You’re pretty too!  And you're such a badass - I mean, you can get away as an escort and kick ass like in a fight club!”

Clarke’s heart starting beating like crazy at that and she paled dramatically.  She could tell that her body was about to stress at the turn this conversation was taking and she absolutely did not want that kind of reaction again.  Calming herself with the reassurance that the two girls were too drunk to remember this conversation in the morning, she gave them a forced chuckle, “Thank you both for the compliments.  I appreciate the sentiments.  I would like to say, though, that, if at any time, you are uncomfortable with me being around or unhappy with me, let me know immediately and I will stay away.”

The two girls scooped her up into a big hug at those words, not knowing how else to convey to her that they didn’t want her gone.  She sat stiffly between the two brunettes, allowing them to comfort themselves by trying to comfort her and hoping they didn’t notice how tense she was.

Her fears were washed away, however, when she heard light snores coming from all around her.  Clarke smiled slightly at that, letting herself acknowledge how cute they both looked.  She gently laid Raven back on the sofa and pulled Octavia further into her arms.  The medical intern flexed her arms and legs, testing her bodily control, before scooping the younger brunette up.  She was definitely a small woman but, much like herself, she was solid muscle mass.  She would definitely need her inhaler after this.

Depositing Octavia to her bed, smiling when she saw the girl snuggle into her boyfriend’s embrace, she turned to walk away.  She locked eyes with the woman laying on her sofa, though, and sighed. 

Crouching down next to Indra, Clarke whispered, “Sleep now, Lieutenant, and I promise we can discuss things at a further point in time.”

Indra, detesting her body for giving in to sleep, merely nodded at the other girl before her eyes closed.  For the first time in her life, Clarke was thankful for the effects of alcohol on her old friend.

She walked back to the living room and stood by Raven.  The girl had cuddled herself into a pillow on the back of the sofa and had one hand laying splayed out on her own cheek.  Clarke found a fond smile spreading across her face and worried for how close these girls were getting to her heart. 

The medical intern picked the mechanic up in her arms, minding her brace, and started walking towards her room.  When she started to place her on the bed next to Anya, however, Raven clutched her hand into the back of her shirt and pressed her face further into her body. 

As she was trying to uncurl Raven’s hands without waking the slumbering girl she felt the weight lift off of her all of a sudden.  Looking up from the face nestled into her neck, she saw Anya kneeling on the bed in front of her, pulling the aerospace engineer’s weight onto herself.  Before she could argue, the soldier was indicating for her to be quiet, lest the girl in their arms wake up.  Anya was successful in getting the Raven onto the bed and she unconscious brunette instinctually pulled the dirty blonde on top of her.  Clarke chuckled to herself as she saw Raven snuggle deeply into Anya, grey eyes meeting hers with mirth in them.  The medical intern gave her a joking wink and then a small nod before leaving them to sleep off the alcohol and closed the door.

Clarke walked through all of the rooms quickly and left a cup of water and two Advils for everybody who had had drinks that night.  She walked back out to the living room, going straight for her jacket and grabbing her inhaler.  She probably should have gotten it immediately after carrying the two drunk brunettes, but she wanted to make sure she got everyone set for the morning since she wouldn’t be there when they woke up.

She had just put her inhaler back in her jacket and was leant forward, holding her head in her hands, trying to massage away the headache that had built up throughout the night, when a voice from the hallways caught her attention.

“How bad is the headache?”

Her head shot up and she immediately tried to jump up from the sofa to address the person, but the quick movement caused her head to swim and she stumbled slightly.  She managed to catch herself before she actually fell and was able to focus on the figure at the end of the hallway. 

Lexa was standing there, one hip hitched to lean against the wall, arms folded across her chest.  She wanted so badly to run forward and help the blonde who was obviously in pain, but she didn’t know if she would be able to handle such close proximity yet.  Lexa wanted to be able to use this time to start fixing things between her and the beautiful blonde on her sofa.  Her ex-girlfriend was standing there, just looking at her, not answering the question.  The law intern cocked her left eyebrow, hoping that would stir the silent girl into speaking.

The eyebrow was something that always was able to grab the younger blonde’s attention.  “Oh!  Right.  My head is fine; it’s just been a long day.”

The law intern scoffed and pushed herself off the wall, walking towards the girl, “Please, Clarke, you only used to hold your head like that when it hurt.  With everything else that’s happened to your head I can only assume the headaches are worse than they used to be?”

Clarke’s breath hitched hearing the older brunette say her name.  It had been so long since they had interacted, she forgot the effect that soft, melodious voice had on her.  Blinking a few times to bring her attention back to the conversation she said, “Well, you’re not wrong.  The headaches have gotten worse, but right now isn’t the worst I’ve had.”

Lexa sat down on the love seat, hoping she looked more confident than she felt, and chuckled dryly, “Well, considering everything you’ve done the last few years, I couldn’t possibly imagine that that’s a lie.”

The law intern was trying to lessen some of the tension built up in the room, but the joke seemed to only make things worse.  Both girls were slammed with the memory that neither of them really knew what had happened with the other over the last many years.  

Clarke simply sighed, not knowing what exactly she could say to her ex-girlfriend.  She lowered herself onto the sofa slowly, hoping the movement didn't send her into another vomiting fit.  The medical intern was almost certain neither of them would be able to survive that. 

“Ma’am – Sorry, Lexa – it’s rather late.  Everyone else is asleep; I wasn’t expecting anyone to be awake.”

“Considering there was a rather emotional and drunk conversation going on literally right outside my door, I couldn’t exactly fall asleep.”  She steeled her eyes slightly, “Why?  Were you planning on sneaking out in the middle of the night without letting anyone say goodbye?”

Clarke took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn’t have to pull out her inhaler in the middle of this conversation.  “I wasn’t going to leave without saying anything.  However, seeing as it is already past one in the morning and I have to be at work by six, I will most likely be leaving before anyone else is awake.  Speaking of which, you should probably go to sleep.” 

“I don’t have work tomorrow morning,” the law intern responded, “What work do you have to be at at six in the morning?”

Lexa almost felt bad when the younger blonde bristled.  “I have a shift at the hospital starting at 8.  In order to go over charts before rounds start I have to be there early.”  The answer was very clipped and she could sense the tension behind the words.  She hummed in acknowledgment, not knowing what exactly to say to respond to that.

Clarke knew from the way Octavia and Raven had been talking earlier that Anya had talked to all of them about at least some of her story from the last few years.  She took a deep breath and reached forward to grab her inhaler, not wanting to risk an attack at this point, and said, “I know that Anya has spoken with all of you.  What all has she told you about and how much of my conversation with your friends did you hear?”

Lexa felt her hardness diminish slightly at how small the blonde in front of her sounded.  Seeing her grab her inhaler alerted the older brunette to how difficult this interaction was for her ex and she chided herself for messing up again.  Lexa took a deep breath to gather herself and make herself seem less like she was on the offensive.  “She told us that all of the medical bills you had coupled with school fees ripped through your bank accounts.  She told us how you ended up selling your things and ended up in your car.”  She looked into blue eyes for a second before looking away, not knowing if she would be able to handle the emotions there, while saying the next part, “She told us about you becoming a paramedic but also going to work for Jaha to get some extra help.” 

Clarke just stared at the wall while the other girl trailed off.  Every muscle in her body was taut and she wanted to run; she wanted to run far and fast and never have to have this conversation with the woman who still held every part of her heart.  She was silent for long enough that Lexa started speaking again, heading towards rambling, “She told us that you did other things, too, that you didn’t tell her about.  Although from what I heard from Octavia earlier, the other things weren’t much better than selling yourself to a scumbag like Jaha and – “

Clarke cut her off, “I did what I had to do.”  She took a deep breath to steady herself, “I have debts to pay and if I ever want to live somewhere other than my car, I have to do whatever I can to make money.  I won’t have any substantial money from the hospital until residency, so I do what I must until I’m there.” 

“Clarke, surely there must be something else you can do?  There’s no way that’s safe or healthy!”  The law intern leaned forward, hoping to convey her concern for the girl across from her, “The things that Anya and Octavia mentioned didn't sound like they were just odd jobs.  We know all about what kind of work Jaha and Nia do.  Clarke, with your TBI, you shouldn’t be taking any risks!”

Clarke cut her off, “Ms. Woods if I wanted a lecture on how to live my life I would be talking to a counselor.  Or your sister.”  She sat up straight, looking directly at Lexa without making eye contact, “I have a life to live with whatever cards I’ve been dealt throughout the years.  I don’t have the convenience or the luxury of thinking about what I want or need to be comfortable.  Medical bills are crippling as it is, but medical school makes those look like pennies.  My brain injury is not going to stop me from taking care of what I need to do.” 

Lexa cursed herself mentally.  She realized quickly that she couldn't just talk to Clarke as directly as she wanted to.  Green eyes filled with tears as she was once again reminded that Clarke no longer knew who Lexa was.  They used to be puzzle pieces, fitting together like they were built for each other, with no one able to separate them.  Now?  Now, they had no idea how to communicate with each other properly.

She hadn’t meant to insult the younger blonde, but she didn’t know how to deal with the situation.  Despite everything else, she still loved the girl on her sofa and she just wanted her to be safe.  She looked away from hard, blue eyes, trying to blink back the tears that had built up there.

Clarke sighed, realizing she had been too harsh on the green-eyed girl.  She softened her posture a little bit and made her voice slightly more personable, “Lexa, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to be short with you.  I just – I have things that I need to take care of and I can’t afford to think about what they mean for me.  I have to work with my head, not my heart.”

Lexa sucked in a sharp breath.  It had been a long time since someone had said those words around her.  That had been her motto years ago, when she was just starting to work in law.  She had thought that it was a ruthless business, concerned only with defeating the opponent and anything less was worthy of death.  Now, though, she knew that wasn’t the case.  That was no way to survive.  Now she knew that life was about more than just surviving and everyone deserved a chance.

And hearing Clarke apologize to her made a certain flare through her body.  That girl had the least to apologize for out of everyone she had ever known, and the brunette knew that the fact that she did apologize for every little thing had too much to do with what Lexa had done to her.

Before she had a chance to say anything else, though, Clarke spoke, “There’s nothing for you to worry about, though.  I’ve taken care of everything and I’m as safe as I possibly can be.”  Lexa looked at her incredulously.  Clarke just admitted to having worked in a _fight club_ with a brain injury, and still says there’s nothing to worry about.  Lexa was tired, though, and she didn’t know how to handle everything she had heard that night with a level head.

"Clarke, I'm so sorry for not helping you earlier."  Clarke's head shot up at the small voice coming from the seat next to her.  Green eyes were downcast, refusing to look up at her face.  "I didn't know how to help you and I didn't even try to figure it out.  Fuck, I should have done _something_.  Everyone else was able to do something and i just trailed behind."  Lexa ran her hands through her hair, tangling her fingers into long locks, "I didn't even have much to drink!  I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't seem to get my head on straight while you're around.  Everything gets so mixed up and I can't think about anything other than the fact that your eyes are still so gorgeous but you look so sad and it's all my fault.  I let you just walk away from me and how the hell do I even try to make up for that now?"

Green eyes shot up to meet blue.  Clarke could see tears building there, but was brought out of her reverence by Lexa's next words, "I don't think I would have been able to handle you being that close to me, though.  You were so close and you were falling and I just wanted to catch you so bad but I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I didn't catch you last time and I just fucked everything up and I - "

She was cut off by two hands cupping her face.  Lexa focused her eyes back on the blue ones fixated on her face.  She could feel whatever tension there was between them but, for the first time, it wasn’t uncomfortable.  It was painful, but only because they both had so many pent up emotions between them, so much they both wanted to say but couldn’t. 

Clarke looked into green eyes, getting lost in their depth.  She had missed those eyes so much; she loved how expressive they were.  Lexa’s pupils dilated with every emotion she showed, and the colour changed as well.  Medically, biologically, she knew it technically wasn’t true, but she didn’t care.  Those beautiful green eyes in front of her were never able to hide from Clarke.  If she ever felt like her girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – was hiding something from her she would just look in her eyes and everything would work itself out.  Those eyes had saved Clarke’s life more than once throughout their years together and she was overwhelmed to finally be able to see them like this again.

"Nothing that happened tonight was your fault.  Please, do not apologize for any of it," Clarke said softly.  "There are a lot of things that we have to apologize for - both of us - but tonight isn't one of them.  Besides, we both know that alcohol can mess with people's heads, right?"  

Clarke herself was shocked at the attack in her last words.  She never thought that she would allow herself to actually tell Lexa off for what she had done, but she was really off tonight.  Not wanting to get into anything too serious that night, she said softly, "I wouldn't have been able to handle you that close, either." 

Lexa sucked in a breath, not sure if she actually heard those words.  She had felt Clarke's attack like a slap in the face, as it should be, but she couldn't believe that the blonde girl was still affected by their proximity.  Looking into blue eyes, though, she knew they were true.  The tears fell from her own green eyes and, before she knew what was happening, she had thrown her arms around the other girl’s neck.

Clarke felt slender arms snake their way around her neck, a teary face buried into her shoulder.  She raised herself up slightly so she could get the two of them into a more comfortable position.  She scooted onto the love seat next to Lexa, the older girl curling further into her chest.  Clarke held her in her lap, both hating and loving the closeness she had been missing for almost five years. 

The medical intern hadn't had this kind of closeness with anyone since her last night with her then-girlfriend.  Sure, she hadn't been completely celibate over the last five years (though, that wasn't necessarily by choice), but she hadn't been intimate with anyone.  Like this, Clarke could feel Lexa's breaths on her neck.  She could feel the steady rise and fall of Lexa's chest and the way her arms tightened their grip every so often when Clarke tried readjusting her position.  She could feel the warmth of her skin and the gentleness in her every feature.  She could feel her heart start to break once again at the thought of never truly being able to get this back.  

She sat there for some time, just holding the sleeping girl close to her, reveling in the feeling of having her back in her arms.  She knew it wouldn’t be able to happen again; she couldn’t afford to let anyone back into her life like that and she absolutely did not want to disrupt whatever life Lexa had built.  For all she knew, the law intern was still with Costia.  Clarke decided to just hold her for some time, letting the girl derive whatever comfort she wanted from her in her sleep.

Clarke looked at her watch eventually and saw it was nearing three in the morning.  She had to be up and out of there by five to get to her car and knew there was no way she would be getting any sleep that night.  She sighed – it would be another 12 hour shift that day, meaning she would have gone 60 hours without sleep.  She had another job the next morning that she needed to prepare for as well, so who knew when she would finally be able to rest.

Holding the girl in her arms tighter to her body, Clarke stood up.  She heard Lexa whimper slightly as she gripped tighter to the medical intern.  Clarke carried her as carefully as she could to her bedroom, maneuvering the slumbering brunette in her arms to be able to open the door.  She took a deep breath as she walked in.  This was the first time she had come into Lexa’s room on her own and she could feel the other girl in the atmosphere.  It had such a Lexa feel to it. 

Not wanting to invade on the other girl’s privacy too much, she walked directly over to the bed and tried to release her grip.  Lexa whimpered again and pressed tighter to her body.  She was releasing hot, wet breaths into the side of her neck and Clarke was starting to feel the effects of the proximity.  She cursed herself for thinking inappropriate thoughts about the unconscious girl in her arms, and pulled back slightly harder.  She uncurled the arms from around her neck and lowered herself with the other girl so they were essentially laying chest to chest.  Lexa sighed contentedly at the contact and relaxed slightly.  Clarke was able to use that change to pull back all the way and completely remove herself from the older girl. 

She reached down to remove the girl’s sweatshirt so she could sleep comfortable and her breath caught.  Lexa was wearing Clarke’s favourite blue sweatshirt that she had left behind in their apartment.  She had never thought that she would see that sweatshirt again.  As she pulled the garment over the sleeping brunette’s head, Clarke had to keep her mind in the present.  She was flashing back to different times that she had done this same action and what a different context that was in.  Knowing that that kind of thinking was wrong and inappropriate, she moved about getting the sweatshirt off of Lexa as quickly as possible and folded it on the side. 

Clarke turned back to her slumbering ex-girlfriend, feeling calmed by the serene look on her face.  She had always loved the way Lexa looked when she was sleeping – almost like she didn’t have a single worry in the world.  It had been one of her favourite images to sketch.  Before she could stop herself, Clarke leaned forward to place a kiss on her Lexa’s forehead, brushing her hand over her hair as she got a sleepy smile in return.

The medical intern walked back out of the room and into the living room.  She stood in the middle of the room, looking around.  It was the first time she was in the apartment on her own and she was tired enough to take advantage of it.  Clarke took in her surroundings, trying to see what they said about the people who lived there.  The sofa and love seat were both a deep red fabric, with dark brown legs underneath and a midnight blue throw hanging over the backs.  They sat on a beige rug with an intricate dark brown swirly design in the middle, tying together with the legs of the sofa.  The coffee table in the center of the rug was a slightly less dark brown, but it still matched well with the other tones in the room.  The walls were all a light beige, accenting the rug, and added a nice accent to the hardwood floor.  Taking it all in, Clarke knew that Lexa was the one responsible for furnishing the apartment.  Her taste had always been impeccable and the regality of this setup just screamed Lexa. 

That was all there was of Lexa there, though.  There was stuff strewn all over the place, allowing the space to feel well lived in.  There were a couple of jackets laying around, as well as school materials.  The kitchen had books and papers all over the counter and table and dishes all over the place.  When they had lived together, Lexa never would have been able to handle the mess.  Lexa was a different person now, though, so it was somewhat understandable. 

The somber thought brought Clarke back out of her head and into the space she was in.  Looking towards the TV she saw that the clock read 4:12 and started getting ready to leave.  She had to get to her car and back before making her way to work so she could drop off the gifts she had gotten the two students. 

As she was walking towards her car she thought back to the conversation she had had with her ex-girlfriend not a few hours previous.  There was no doubt now that Anya had told the three brunettes about her situation.  She had no idea how she felt about them knowing how she was living and what she was doing for work.  Add in the fact that Octavia’s brother had gone and told her everything he had managed to dig up on her, it was starting to get overwhelming.  Clarke had done everything in her power to to keep her life a secret and not let her ex-girlfriend know what her life had become after their split and it all went to waste now. 

She didn’t want to think about it.  She wanted to think about anything but the fact that the one person she had trusted in the last five years broke that trust, but it was proving to be more difficult than she liked.  Bellamy telling Octavia wasn’t really that big of a deal; she hadn’t trusted Bellamy with the information, he had taken it on his own. 

It had taken her five months to trust the two girls when they first met nine years ago and she hadn’t regretted it too much after getting used to it.  She hadn’t had anyone in her corner since her mom was still alive, but Anya and Lexa had managed to squeeze their way past her walls and had gotten her to confide in them.  They tried their damndest to help her with her fear of turning out like her foster fathers, and they helped her every time that piercing insecurity popped back into her head for four years.  She had believed it all to be lost when she ruined things with Lexa, when she had acted just like the men who had ruined her life and she had sworn never to be like. 

After some time, Clarke realized that she hadn't necessarily been the one to ruin the trust between herself and her ex-girlfriend.  Lexa was the one person that she had trusted with absolutely every part of herself, giving the gorgeous brunette things she had never even thought about ever giving anyone.  Clarke would have trusted Lexa with the rest of her life, and she still had the ring to prove it.  Lexa had been the one to destroy that trust, though, one late night with Costia.  It had taken the broken blonde many many months to lessen the amount of guilt she felt surrounding the events of their break-up, but Anya helped her understand that she was not in the wrong.

It had taken her those three days in the hospital, finding out about her TBI, another month of avoiding Anya, and then another accident to allow the soldier back into her life; to allow herself to trust her foster sister once again. 

The only thing Clarke had ever asked from Anya was that she never tell Lexa that they were in contact.  The only thing she ever wanted was to be able to leave Lexa to move on and live her life, and it had almost happened.  Lexa had moved on and made this great new life for herself working at a great law firm with amazing friends.  Clarke wasn’t entirely sure whether or not Lexa and Costia were still together but they definitely still spent time together.  She and Anya had agreed that the younger blonde didn't necessarily want to stay up to date on Lexa's dating life.

Lexa had grown and changed so beautifully and that’s all Clarke had ever wanted for her.  She had trusted Anya to let it be and not disrupt the law intern’s life over irrelevant information.  She had trusted that her pseudo sister would not turn her back on her and break her trust.  Knowing that Anya had gone back on her word and had conveyed Clarke’s entire situation not only to Lexa but also to two, essentially, stranger was giving Clarke a hard time convincing herself that she could still trust the blonde soldier.  

Now that there were more people aware of her, Clarke was realizing that she might have a hard time completely disappearing once again.

Before she knew it she was at her car.  She had walked two blocks in a complete daze, mind consumed with thought regarding her changing relations with the people that were once her family.  As she looked into the car, seeing the two boxes in the backseat, she had a flashing thought of how, if she allowed herself to open up to them, Octavia and Raven could be a part of that family too.  She shook her head quickly, trying to dispel those thoughts and any others like them from her brain.  She got in the car and turned it on, heading directly back towards the apartment she came from.

Walking back through the door, Clarke realized she would have to figure out where to leave the boxes.  She had initially thought of putting them in the girls’ rooms directly, but entering a bedroom while the occupants are sleeping was crossing a line she wasn’t ready for.  She decided to leave them on the counter, their cards on their respective boxes to indicate to them whose was whose in the morning. 

Before walking out of the door again, the blonde intern pulled out the notepad and pen she had brought with her.  She scrawled a quick message to the green-eyed brunette, pushing it under her door and into her room, hoping she would see it in the morning.

Clarke rushed out of the apartment, leaving before she changed her mind about leaving the note.  She hadn’t had much personal interaction with her ex-girlfriend that she herself had initiated, and she was starting to feel anxious about starting it this time.  The medical intern got in her car and sighed.  Looking at the time, 5:17 AM, she groaned.  She had to go directly to work.  Starting her car, she took off for another long ass couple of days.

* * *

Even though Lexa had been the last one to go to sleep in the apartment, she had drunk far less than her friends had after Clarke showed up and therefore was the first one awake in the morning.  Looking at the clock on her bedside table, she realized it was closer to being afternoon.  It was already 11:38 in the morning and no one else was awake yet.  She knew that the whole group enjoyed spending time together whenever Anya and Indra were in town.  The two soldiers would both be leaving the next morning so they didn’t have much time to hang out together.

Resolving to make breakfast for everyone before waking them up, she pulled herself out of bed and lazily got to her feet.  Lexa remembered her conversation with her ex-girlfriend in the living room the night before and groaned.  Thinking back on it with a sober mind, she berated herself.  She could have had so much more tact, but she had stuck her foot in her mouth yet again.  The green-eyed brunette pulled her sweatshirt back on, sighing contently at the feel.  It had been Clarke’s favourite sweatshirt when they were together and she had left it when she left.  Her eyes snapped open mid-yawn.  She had been wearing this sweatshirt last night while talking to her ex-girlfriend.  Lexa groaned.  There was no way in hell Clarke hadn’t noticed, considering she must have been the one to remove the sweatshirt.   

Walking to the door and thinking about what she would make for breakfast, Lexa noticed a folded piece of paper on the floor.  Curious, because she sure as hell didn’t leave anything on the floor, she picked it up and opened it. 

Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the handwriting.  Lexa hadn’t seen this script in five years and her heart went into overdrive seeing it again.  There was a very simple note written, but it held so much weight for the green-eyed brunette currently reading it: _I won’t leave without saying goodbye unless you want me to._

There was a special bounce in Lexa’s step when everyone else woke up.  Anya, Indra, and Lincoln had been the first ones awake since the rigorous training the did for their jobs provided them with ridiculous metabolisms.  Lexa turned to them as they trickled into the kitchen and noticed them searching the area.  Her smile dimmed a little, but it was quickly back to its full brightness; nothing could ruin her day after that note.

“Good morning, guys! I made pancakes and charred toast if anyone needs that.”

“Ugh how is she so chipper already?  It’s morning time, not happy time,” came the grumbled voice of Octavia from the hallway.  Lexa greeted her and Raven as well as they made their way out.  She noticed the two newcomers unconsciously sweep the apartment as well and smiled to herself – Clarke really had worked her way back into all of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited note: I'm really not too happy with these last two chapters. Of everything that I've written so far (posted or not), I don't like how these two turned out. I apologize for that if it shows in the writing as well.
> 
> Clarke will be getting help in the future in regards to how she thinks about her condition. Right now, she hates everything about it because she thinks it makes her weak and vulnerable, but when/if she starts letting people in, that might just change.
> 
> Scenes with members of the crew individually will be coming up soon! I'm actually really excited to see how Clarke interacts with each person on her own lol. 
> 
> Than you to everyone who has left comments and kudos! You guys make my day :)
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	10. Clarke Gets Her Brother Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lincoln finally have a talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! This week has been crazy, and it's only going to get crazier from here. I leave in a week, but I'll try to update as much as I can in that time. 
> 
> On to the chapter: this chapter wasn't in the original story that I had put together, but I really liked the idea of putting it in, so I literally finished it five minutes ago. I haven't edited it yet, but I'll go back and fix anything that needs it later. Sorry for any mistakes or mess-ups because of that.

Clarke had had hellish shifts at the hospital recently.  She had been working 30-40 hour shifts before going back to her car, only to be called back in either to the hospital or to Jaha.  Because she was in the USC Trauma Center, she was placed in the emergency room a lot.  Downtown Los Angeles was a hub for medical emergencies almost as much as it was for wannabe stars.

About a week after she went out with the crew, she was in for her shift one night, at the tail end of a 38-hour night shift when a nurse came into her on-call room and told her that there was an officer in with a gunshot wound.  The medical intern groaned.  Stitches were always the most tedious things to do, especially on someone who didn’t want to be in.  Law enforcement officials were almost as terrible patients as other medical officials were.

Pulling the chart off the nurse’s station, Clarke walked into one of the curtained-off sections towards the back of the emergency room.  She didn’t look up from the papers as she pushed the curtains out of her way. 

“Good morning Officer.  My name is Dr. Griffin and I’ll be helping with your – “

“Hey Clarke.”

The blonde’s head shot up, eyes wide and mouth open.  She realized she probably should have looked at the name on her paper before walking into the room. 

“Lincoln.”

Lincoln was sitting on the bed in front of her, black tank-top tucked into his uniform pants.  He had a gash on his upper left arm from where a bullet had grazed him, with plenty of dried blood caked on the rest of his torso.  Brown eyes bore into her face, but Clarke kept her face impassive.  She knew that, when she was working, she couldn’t afford to have any distractions.  It was how she managed to keep her wits whenever she got too stressed.

Once they were both adjusted to the fact that they were actually standing in a tiny area together, just the two of them, Clarke cleared her throat and made her way to the bed.  She smiled softly, hoping to show Lincoln that things weren’t going to be awkward from her side.  When he smiled back at her, she felt the rest of the tension leave her body and she set to work getting her supplies out.

“So, Officer,” she said with a smirk, “What brings you around today?”

Lincoln felt his heart soar at the joke he heard in her voice.  “Well, Doc, you might have missed the bullet hole in my arm, but I’m sure if you read the chart in your hand it’ll be right there.”

Clarke shocked herself with the laugh that made its way out of her chest.  She hadn’t had this sort of easy banter with anyone in years, and it was definitely something that was going to take some getting used to.  If she decided to keep in touch with this family, that is.

Lincoln settled himself into the bed while Clarke got everything set.  He watched her work in comfortable silence.  She looked up at him with a grin when he let out a whimper at the sight of the needle.

“Don’t worry, Lincoln.  You’ll barely even feel the prick.  It’s a local anesthetic that I’m going to inject right around the wound so that I can stitch you back together without too much pain.”  When the look of fear remained on his face, she let out an exasperated sigh, “Come on!  You can sit around for over an hour with a bullet wound on your arm, but it’s the needle that scares you?  Really?”

“Needles are scary!  They’re not supposed to go in someone’s skin!”

“Yea well neither are bullets.”

Lincoln scoffed at the tone she took and stuck his tongue out at her, relishing in the small laugh that left her lips once again.  Secretly, he had on problems with needles anymore.  He would do anything to hear that laugh, though.  It had been too fucking long.

As the medical intern set to work closing the graze, he watched her.  She looked so much older, smaller but more solid at the same time.  He knew plenty of what she had been through; Octavia had a hard time staying quiet when she was pissed off and everyone in a five-mile radius of either of their apartments knew that she was furious at her brother.     

Thinking about everything Octavia had told him, and the conversation he had had with Anya, he looked back at the blonde with pain in his eyes.  He could see that she was completely and utterly focused on making sure that his wound was treated perfectly, and he felt himself grow sadder, remembering all of the times they had talked about helping each other reach their goals. 

Clarke may have been closest to Lexa within their group, but she had always had a special bond with each other member too.  Lincoln had initially wanted to be a doctor, much like Clarke.  Throughout all of the four years that they had together, they would look up different procedures and information and always talk about it.  They had intended to go to school together.

When he learned about Clarke’s past and the things she had gone through, Lincoln realized that he didn’t necessarily want to become a doctor – he just wanted to help people.  He wanted to be able to help people get out of homes like Clarke had had to go through.  When Clarke left all of them, he spent so long trying to figure out where Clarke went or what was going on with her or why she had left them like that, and he hated every moment of it.  At that point, he resolved to try and help other people not have to worry about whether or not their loved one was still alive.  He just wanted to help other people get the closure he never did.

Clarke eventually finished the stitches and looked up at the face above her, leaning back on her stool slightly.  She studied Lincoln’s face, noticing how much older and serious he looked.  She knew pretty well how harrowing a police officer’s job could be and just how easy it was for officers to lose any easy-go-lucky attitude they may have had.  Clarke couldn’t help but feel pain at the idea of Lincoln losing any part of his personality.

She could feel his brown eyes looking as deep into her as they could go – which, admittedly, wasn’t very far.  Clarke knew how to keep a cap on her emotions and not let anybody see anything she didn’t want them to see.  Considering she still wasn’t sure how long she was going to stay in their lives, Clarke didn’t want to let any of the crew back in just yet. 

Lincoln could see the walls up and he knew that he wouldn’t be getting any access.  He could feel the emotions flitting across his own face, knowing that Clarke would be able to see them too.  The officer had never really been any good at hiding his emotions from those close to him.

Clarke sighed, knowing that the joking was over for a time.  “Lincoln, I know that there is a lot we have to talk about.  The way I left was wrong and I didn’t talk to any of you and I’m sorry.  We will talk, I promise.  I’m off work in a few hours, and I don’t start until 6 again tomorrow evening.”

“Clarke, you have nothing to apologize for.  You didn’t do anything wrong with what happened.  I do agree, though, that we’ve got a lot to talk about.  Maybe here isn’t the best place.  Why don’t you text me a time and place that works for you and I’ll meet you then?”

Clarke could feel the stress double on her shoulders at the thought of having to plan something.  She had always hated making phone calls or having to be the one to make plans when everyone was hanging out.

Lincoln quickly realized his mistake, remembering how much she hated calling people, and amended his statement, “Or you can give me your number and I’ll let you know when we can meet up.”

Clarke gave him an appreciative smile before giving him her information.  She left the area after that to go give the nurses his chart and to pull up his prescription for painkillers.

As the medical intern was standing at the counter, talking to the nurses, she heard a voice next to her, “Hi I’m looking for Officer Green?”

She turned her head and saw a shaggy-haired man standing next to her, wearing a polo shirt and slacks.  He had his detective’s shield in his hand and was showing it to the nurse behind the desk, telling her about his connection to Lincoln.  Clarke wasn’t really paying attention to what the man was saying, she was more focused on trying to make sure she stayed calm and didn’t give away the fact that she knew him.

Bellamy must have felt her looking at him because he turned his head and met her eyes immediately.  A scowl crossed his face and his brown eyes immediately hardened.  He stood up tall, squaring his shoulders and trying to make himself seem as big as possible.  Clarke nearly scoffed at his attempt to seem all macho. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You mean, other than the fact that I work here?” Clarke sneered.

The nurses around them froze.  Never once, in the last year-and-a-half, had they heard Dr. Griffin talk to someone in such a tone.  Whether she had someone puking on her or peeing on her or calling her names or even trying to punch her, she remained the epitome of cool and professional.  But here she was, being snarky with a patient’s family, and a _detective_ , no less. 

Bellamy could feel everyone’s eyes on them, and immediately backed down.  The last thing he wanted was attention brought on them.  Clarke seemed to agree and closed her chart before saying, “Officer Green has been stitched up and should be ready to go in a minute.  He was just putting his uniform top back on when I walked out.  I have his script right here and I’ve explained it to him already.”

“Here, I can take it for him so – “

“Actually, Detective, we only give this information to family members.”

Bellamy glared at her, and the nurses around them could feel the fury rolling off the man in waves.  The detective had been nothing but polite to them so they had no idea why Dr. Griffin would be showing him the kind of attitude she was.  Considering the fact that they knew next to nothing about the intern other than her name and age, they couldn’t even judge if she knew the guy or if she was just in a mood.

“Well, I’m his partner so – “

“Considering he’s a police officer in Missing Persons and you’re a detective in Narcotics, that’s not actually true, is it?”  Clarke stood up at that point, matching Bellamy’s stance.  “Lying to get what you want isn’t the way you want to do things, Detective Blake.”

Lincoln walked out at that moment, feeling the tension as if he had walked into a wall.  He could see the standoff that was obviously going between his girlfriend’s brother and his pseudo sister.  Noticing the looks on the nurses’ faces, he quickly moved forward and grabbed Bellamy’s arm.  “Bellamy, we should leave now.  I’m fine and we still have to get back to the precinct.”

Bellamy barely acknowledged Lincoln, shaking the bald man’s hand off of his arm and stalking out of the hospital. 

Lincoln turned to look at Clarke, seeing the tension written plainly on her face and smiled wistfully at her.  He moved closer to her, trying to judge whether or not he could give her a hug.  Considering she was at work and seemed to have already broken the nurses, he assumed that might be going too far.  Instead, he reached his arm out to grasp her forearm. 

“Bye, Clarke.  I’ll call you in the morning.”

]Clarke gave him a small smile and grasped his forearm.  “I look forward to talking to you, Lincoln.” 

As he left the hospital, Clarke turned back to all of the nurses.  Seeing their mouths open and eyes wide, she had to resist the urge to laugh.  Steeling herself quickly, she said, “Should we keep staring at nothing or are we going to get back to the patients?”

That seemed to get them all back into motion and they all went back to their work.  Clarke knew that this interaction would be around the whole hospital by the end of the night, either way.

* * *

It was almost 9:00PM by the time Clarke got off her shift at the hospital.  Sometimes she would be lucky enough to stay in an on-call room, but she needed to be in her car if Lincoln called.  She was fixing her shirt and pulling her keys out of her pocket when she noticed a figure against the wall.  Recognizing the person standing there, Clarke steeled herself and started walking towards it.

Bellamy pushed himself off the wall as the medical intern got closer to him.  He stood tall and proud, shoulders squared and head tilted up.  He stood as the epitome of an alpha male and Clarke wanted nothing more than to kick him where it counted. 

Clarke stopped a few feet away from him, standing tall and confident, showing the older man that he didn’t scare her.  She stood silently, refusing to speak until Bellamy started saying anything.

“I thought I told you to stay away from my family.”

She stayed quiet. 

Bellamy could feel his blood boil.  Who the fuck did she think she was to so blatantly ignore him?!  “Are you going to say anything or just stand there like an idiot?”

“You didn’t ask me a question.  I have nothing to say to you.”

Clarke got a small bit of satisfaction from the way Bellamy seemed to get even more furious at her lack of an answer.  She could tell that he was the kind of guy that wanted to instigate things with people, and she was resolved to not giving him that satisfaction.

“You realize that you have no right to talk to me like this, right?  I could ruin you so easily and you’ll have nothing.  You’ll be – “

“Look, Detective, I understand that this might be tough for you to grasp in your pea-sized brain, but you really don’t have any power over me.  Besides, I’m fairly certain your sister told you how she felt about it pretty well with her fists.”

Bellamy’s blood boiled.  “Listen here, bitch, I swear to God.  You stay away from my family or I’ll bring every charge that’s ever been brought up against you and make sure you spend the rest of your life behind bars.”

Clarke laughed at him.  Like, straight up laughed in his face.  “Bellamy, is that really the best idea?  You realize that if you decide to say anything about me, you’ll have hell to face too, right?”

The blonde took a step forward, directly into the detective’s personal space.  “What do you think your buddies at the precinct are going to think when they find out you’re a regular customer?  What do you think your captain is going to think when he finds out that you’re one of the LEOs that is in Jaha’s pocket?”

Clarke took another step forward, coming almost chest-to-chest with the detective.  “What would Lincoln think of you, huh?  He may be your sister’s boyfriend, but he’s also a fellow officer.  He’s a member of that family that you claim to care about.  You really think he’s going to give any fucks about any of that when he finds out what kind of scum you really are?  What’s everyone else going to think about you?  I already know the others can barely stand you – they put up with you because you’re Octavia’s brother.  You’ll have no sympathizers in that group. 

“What do you think your sister will think?  Your sister’s been in almost the same position that I’m in.  I mean, she got a look at your true colors when you first saw me in her apartment, didn’t she?  The shitdick who doesn’t know how to respect anyone but expects everyone to respect him.  Tell me, Bellamy, what do you think your sister is going to think of you when she finds out that you’re no better than the fuckers you put away?  In my opinion, and I can almost guarantee she will agree with me, you’re worse than them.   What is she going to think when she finds out that you actually don’t give a fuck about their safety, but that you’re just trying to save your own skin.  That you’re as bad as, if not worse than, the assfuck foster fathers she had when she was younger.  You want her to believe that you’re doing this to protect her?  Bull-fucking-shit.  You’re doing this to save your own skin.  She’ll never trust you again.”

Clarke cut herself off then, knowing she wouldn’t be able to stop herself if she kept going.      

Bellamy didn’t seem to care much about that, though.  Clarke looked at him for a second before turning to walk away.  The older man stalked forward once her back was turned. 

“Who’s going to believe a useless whore like – “

As soon as Clarke felt his hand touch her arse, she whipped around and decked him across the head.  The man fell like a sack onto his backside, holding his face to cup some of the blood. 

“Lay a hand on me one more time, and I will personally end you.  If you think I’m not willing to spend time in jail to get your ass out of everyone’s life, then you know nothing.”

Clarke looked at him one more time before turning back around.  She remained aware of her surroundings, but even if she hadn’t she still wouldn’t have been able to miss the growl from behind her or the feet running towards her.  She moved at the very last second, letting Bellamy stumble right past her. 

The tall man ran back to her.  Clarke chuckled to herself.  Bellamy had to have had an incredible amount of training throughout his years between the academy and ranking as detective.  It seemed as though his only real approach to getting her down right now was just tackling her.  He was acting as no better than the brutes she ran into when she met Octavia and Raven. 

As Bellamy came up to her one more time, Clarke merely swished to one side and stuck her foot out, letting the detective trip and fall on his face.  As he jumped back up and ran at her one more time, she braced herself.  The medical intern brought up her knee and got him right in the gut.  He doubled over, but he brought her down with him.  They ended up in a heap on the floor.  He landed a single punch into her gut, but he was already so out of it that it barely did anything.  Clarke managed to bring a knee up and get him in his jewels, causing Bellamy to lose his grip on the young blonde. 

Clarke pulled herself up, looking down at the man groaning on the floor.  She didn’t bother keeping the disdain out of her voice as she spoke next, “You may not give two shits about the shield that you wear on your uniform, you may not give a fuck about the oath that you gave when you got that shield, and you may not give a damn about your sister, but I do.  I took an oath to protect the people that I come into contact with, and I’ll be damned if I don’t protect my family from a shitdick like you.” 

Clarke stood there for one more moment, staring into brown eyes looking up at her – brown eyes with blood running rivers around them, and fear swirling through their depths.  Bellamy Blake may have thought he had his ass covered when he decided to work with Jaha, but Clarke wasn’t going to let him get away with thinking that he was justified in anything that he did.  Everything about the man’s actions screamed an abuse of his power and complete lack of thought or understanding, and he didn’t deserve to be in the position that he was in.  If Clarke had to go down with him to bring him down, she would.

She walked away, eventually, leaving him splayed out and bloody on the floor.  The medical intern hadn’t been lying when she said she was always going to uphold her oath, but she didn’t believe Bellamy Blake warranted any of her attention.

In her car, Clarke made her way to one of her favourite parks.  She sat in the parking lot, thinking about all of the things that had changed for her over the last many months.  Her mind was still running wild trying to understand what it all meant for her life now.  The medical intern had been comfortable with how her life was going, and she was fine with thinking that she wouldn’t see Lexa or Indra or Lincoln again, because she still knew that they were all doing well.  They were back, though, and she didn’t know what to do anymore because that didn’t fit in her plan.  

Clarke sat there for some time, contemplating and reminiscing and coming up with a new plan.  Eventually she checked the time and realized that it was already almost midnight.  The medical intern had no work until the next evening and the only other thing she might have to do was talk with Lincoln.  She decided to get some sleep, knowing that it was too precious of an activity to pass up.

* * *

 

At 1:00 the next afternoon, Clarke made her way into a small bistro a few blocks away from the USC trauma center.  Lincoln had texted her earlier that day and they decided to meet up for lunch. 

Walking into the small bistro, Clarke could feel the homliness in the air.  She hadn’t been in a place like this in a long time.  She very rarely – if ever – went out with people and she would never come into a place like this on her own.  She recognized Lincoln sitting in a booth towards the back and made her way there directly.

As she got closer, the medical intern noticed that the officer was rubbing the strip of hair in the middle of his head and she smiled to herself; that was always his tick when he was nervous about something.  She hoped that the afternoon wouldn’t be too stressful for the two of them. 

Lincoln stood up when he noticed the younger girl standing at the end of the table.  He could feel his heart pumping in his chest.  The man had no idea what this conversation was going to be like or where it was going to go.  All he could do was hope that it wouldn’t go too poorly.

They were settled down, eventually, and they started talking about whatever small things they could come up with. 

Surprisingly enough, Clarke started, “So, how’s working with LAPD?”

Lincoln gave her a small smile.  “It’s good.  There’s a lot more paperwork than I had hoped there would be, but ah well.  We all have to start somewhere.”

Clarke smiled back at him, glad to see that he was actually enjoying where he was.   “You seem to have finally gotten a girl to stick around you, huh?  Octavia is pretty hardcore.”

“Yea, she really is.  God, she’s so amazing and I honestly couldn’t have done better if I tried to make her myself.”

Clarke really felt her heart warm at that.  Lincoln was really in a good place, and that was all she had ever wanted for any of them.  She couldn’t have been happier if she wanted to.

“How did you get into USC for residency?  I didn’t know that you had stayed local.”

Clarke could hear all of the implications behind that single statement.   She had no idea what kind of information she wanted to give her pseudo brother and how much she wanted to tell him.  Her entire goal the last so many years had been to keep them all unaware of just how poorly she was doing.  Seeing the look in his eyes and remembering all of the times that they had all vowed to never lie to each other, no matter what, she knew she had to tell him.  She sighed, “I know.  I actually had no idea how I was going to be able to continue with my clinicals or residency or anything, and I had kind of resolved to staying an EMT and maybe moving on to become a paramedic.  I was out one evening, though, just walking around and I saw something going on.  Long story short, there was a shooting and I happened to be there when it happened.  One of the victims was the lead trauma surgeon at the Trauma One and Trauma Three centers of USC, Dr. Deidre.  We got to talking and I told him that I was in medical school and he told me to get in contact with him for my clinical rotations. 

“It’s a struggle for me to be there, of course, considering USC is one of the most expensive campuses on the West Coast, but Dr. Deidre has me working with the East LA Enrichment Action, or ELAEA.  It’s a local organization that helps kids with gang affiliations get out of the lifestyle that they’re living and it puts them through schooling and stuff.  Because a majority of their kids are related to gangs, there’s a lot of ridiculous violence that they see as well, and the USC Trauma Centers have a sort of business agreement with them where they can bring students in for treatment in case of emergencies.  I’m kind of a liaison between those two and kids in the foster system.  Since I have experience there, they thought that I would be a good person for outreach.  Dr. Deidre said that, if I agree to work with ELAEA, he’ll help me out with my tuition for rotations and residency.”

Lincoln looked at the girl in complete shock.  This was not what he was expecting in the slightest.  Of course, he wasn’t at all surprised that Clarke was still working to help people in the worst of situations, but he didn’t expect it to be something like this.  He knew a lot about ELAEA since he had to work with so many of their students on occasion, but he didn’t know about their ties with USC.  It gave him a special kind of hope that these two groups were working in tandem to make life better for kids who were just born into shitty situations.

They talked about other things for a while; like different cases they’ve worked on, what Octavia and Raven are like, small things that have been going on in their lives.  They stayed in the bistro for a little while after eating their meal and then decided to go for a walk nearby around 2:20.  Clarke was very conscious of her car, of course, and asked if Lincoln would mind if she moved it to a parking lot with more security. 

As Lincoln sat in the car, Clarke turned it on and he felt his heart soar.  He looked over at the blonde with complete wonder in his eyes.  “How the hell did you make a car this old sound so amazing?”

Clarke looked back at him with a smug-ass smirk on her face, “Aw, Lincoln, a magician never reveals her secrets,” and made her way out of the parking lot. 

She drove them over to a park where she would be able to keep an eye on her car herself.  They got out and walked over to a bench that was within eyesight of the car but still relatively secluded from people. 

As they sat there, Clarke realized that it was time for a conversation that she had been avoiding for half a decade.  “

“Lincoln, I know you have a lot of questions, and I’m sure there’s a lot that you want to talk about.  Go ahead and ask what you want and I’ll answer whatever I can.”

The bald man studied the younger girl for a moment, taking everything that this moment meant.  He thought that he had lost his sister years ago, that he would never be able to see her again or interact with her again, but here she was.  She was sitting in front of him with so many new experiences and now a completely different story, but she was still _there_.  Lincoln could reach out and grasp her hand, or touch her hair, or see the way her chest expanded with ever breath that he took, which was something he never thought he’d see again.  The light shone through her hair, causing it to look like strands of gold that would bring the biggest dreamers across the world to that one spot, and he thought about the wonder and beauty that she truly held within her but kept so completely guarded. 

Lincoln looked at his lost sister and just smiled.  “Have you been okay?”

Whatever she expected Lincoln to start with, she definitely didn’t expect him to start off that easy.  She couldn’t keep the initial mix of shock and relief off of her face, but she did manage to swipe it off eventually.  “There’s a lot of that story that I can’t really tell right now, but I don’t want to hide it from you.  I’m sure Octavia will be more than happy to share with you everything she’s learned about the last five years.”  Seeing the immediate look of hurt on Lincoln’s face, she quickly added, “I didn’t tell her anything!  It seems that her brother has done quite a bit of research to make sure I’m okay to keep around his sister.”

Lincoln’s eyes narrowed and he could feel himself get agitated at the mention of his girlfriend’s older brother.  He had been doing his best to avoid the older man and anything he might have to say.  Bellamy had tried to talk to Lincoln about Clarke after they ran into her at the girls’ apartment, and again after the night at the bar.  He had never had anything good to say and Lincoln was completely unwilling to listen to anything.

He moved on to the next question.  It might have been wise for him not to dive in head first, but he knew that Clarke appreciated candor, even if she might have liked it to be a little more lowkey.  Also, because he had been waiting five years to be able to ask these questions. 

“How could you just leave?  You left, and it seemed like you didn’t even look back.  As if – almost like we didn’t matter.”

“Linc, you have to know that that’s not possible.  There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t looked back on what happened.”  Clarke took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second.  The medical intern had to make sure that she remained calm and collected for this conversation and that she had her inhaler handy.  She couldn’t take any risks with an episode since she had to work later. 

“I don’t know how much of the story Lexa’s told you.  I don’t know how much she told you about what was going on before I left and what all happened between us.  I don’t know how much of it she wants you to know or how much she’ll be comfortable with me telling you.”

“She told us everything, I think.  We know about what happened with Wallace, we know about your birthday, and we know about what happened after her LSAT.  If anything else happened, then I don’t know about it.”

Clarke gripped her inhaler tighter.  She hated these memories coming up again and again, but she didn’t think that she could avoid this conversation with Lincoln much longer.  Truth be told, she didn’t really want to, either.  As much as she would deny it to herself and everyone around her, she had actually missed her pseudo family. 

“Well, it seems like she told you everything.”  She took another deep breath, steeling herself before she got to the hard part.  “Lincoln, I messed up.  Yea, we were growing distant and it was getting hard, but we both wanted to work on it.  We were both willing to put in whatever effort it took to stay together.  When Cage showed up again, I fucked up.  I got freaked out and I ran and hid, but not before scaring the shit out of her.”  She let out a sigh, “We both grew even more distant after that night and I pushed her further and further away.  My birthday should have been enough of an indication, yea, but I’m an idiot and didn’t get the hints she was giving me.  I pushed her right to Costia and I should have known that she would want to go to someone normal and not fucked up like me and – “

“Clarke stop.”  Lincoln reached forward and wrapped both of his hands around her upper arms.  “Absolutely none of what happened during that time was your fault.  Sure, you pulled away, but that’s because you got scared.  That wasn’t the first time that you pulled away from any of us, and it wasn’t the worst reaction you’d ever had either.  You did absolutely nothing wrong.”

Lincoln could see the the younger girl wasn’t really grasping what he was saying, but he knew that it was something she needed to hear eventually.  He sat back down in his seat, but grabbed her hands in his, hoping that the light contact still provided her with comfort. 

“Lexa reacted to what happened in the worst way possible.  You can argue all you want that it wasn’t her responsibility to have to take care of you or whatnot, but she did know what she was getting into when you guys got together.  She knew what your situation was all throughout high school and she knew what living with you was going to be like.  Nothing – absolutely _nothing_ – that you did would ever warrant how she reacted to it.  Nothing will ever excuse how she treated you in the months after your run-in with Wallace, or what happened on your birthday, or what happened with Costia.  You don’t need to play the martyr with us, Clarke.  We all love you too much to see you throw yourself in the flames for something that wasn’t your fault.” 

Clarke kept her eyes closed and she breathed deep through her nose.  These were words that she had never truly let herself hear.  The haunted blonde had been raised to accept blame for absolutely everything that had ever happened to her; she had no idea how not to hold herself responsible.  The only common factor for everything that went wrong in her life was, well, her.  It made sense.

Anya had tried to tell her these things, but Clarke had scarcely listened.  Sure, Anya was her sister, but she was Lexa’s sister too and the younger girl didn’t want to cause any problems within their family.  Maybe the soldier hadn’t been lying when she had said that family was more than just blood. 

Blue eyes eventually opened again, and met brown looking intently back at them.  Lincoln didn’t have any sort of judgment or contempt written across his features, and Clarke could feel the genuine care and compassion rolling off of him in waves.  Maybe she would actually allow herself to think about what all he had said.

The two eventually had to split.  Clarke offered to drive Lincoln to wherever he had to go, and the officer asked her to drive her back to the bistro as he would be meeting Octavia nearby later. 

When they pulled up back to the parking lot, Clarke killed the engine and looked at her passenger.  Lincoln made the first move to get out of the car and walked right over to Clarke’s side.  He opened the door for her and held it open expectantly, wearing a giant grin on his face.

Clarke was 100% unable to deny the way he was looking at her and pulled her seatbelt off.  As soon as she had her feet on the ground, the stoic girl felt herself be pulled into a full-on hug.  She was almost surprised to find that the touch really didn’t set her skin crawling as it usually did. 

By the time she made her way to the hospital for her shift that evening, Clarke was in one of the best moods any of her coworkers had ever seen.  She may or may not have leverage to bring down Jaha – or at least some corrupt cops, she had reconnected with her brother, and she might be on her way to getting her family back. 

Clarke was in such a good mood that she absolutely didn’t mind any of the careful teasing she received from her coworkers about the hot police officer from the previous day.  They didn’t need to know he was her brother or anything – and, hey, it was great to see the looks on their faces when she mentioned the hot female officer she’d seen around.  The wink she threw their way definitely almost enough to give a few of them heart attacks.  Good thing they were already in a hospital.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there was that. Clarke is definitely going to have problems with Anya, without a doubt, but she's going to have some great conversations with Raven and Indra both and I'm super excited for those. I'm hoping that, even if I don't finish the story before leaving (which I probably won't :/) I'll be able to finish it on the plane at least, considering I have a 21 hour flight one way and then 28 hours coming back. I'll have plenty of time lol.
> 
> As for Bellamy: sorry if anyone is a fan of his. I based Bellamy in this story on who he was in season one. He was a genuine asshat who did absolutely nothing for anyone except for himself. He literally doomed the entire Ark for the sole reason that he didn't want them to find out he shot Jaha. He's a fuckwad (I will pretend that season three Bellamy doesn't actually exist, because that's better than what they've done to him). 
> 
> Edited note: Sorry, all, for not putting this in originally, but what happened on Clarke's birthday will be explained later. I know it hasn't really been mentioned before now, but it's a big part of a later chapter. Sorry if that confused anyone!
> 
> Thank you to everyone for the comments and kudos! 
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	11. Dinner Actually Goes Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa, Raven, and Octavia get to hang out with Clarke some more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late and I'm so completely sorry. Life has been so crazy prepping for the trip and there's construction going on in my room and just holy shit I'm still sorry. 
> 
> I am particularly fond of this chapter, and I really hope you guys enjoy it too!

Lexa had been having a tough time building herself up to text Clarke and ask if she was ever free, but Raven and Octavia would jump at any opportunity to talk to the blonde.  They texted her every few days about any random thing they could, and the law intern was almost jealous of how comfortable they were getting around her ex.  She wanted to be back at that level with the younger girl, but she was drowning in her guilt and she had no idea how to pull herself out of it.  Every time she pulled out her phone, a message typed out and finger hovering over the "send" button, Lexa flashed back to their last conversation and started questioning whether or not they would even know what to do with the contact. 

The green-eyed brunette was able to bring herself to text the medical intern a few times, and they had cordial enough conversations, but they really didn't know what to say to each other.  They had gone from living together for three years to not talking to each other for four years, and they no longer had the same connection.  They no longer knew which side of the bed the other slept on (though Clarke still slept against the wall and Lexa slept on the open side, snuggling a teddy bear or pillow to fill up the empty space); they no longer knew how the other's toilet paper turned (though Clarke still kept it going over and Lexa couldn't have it the other way anymore); they no longer knew which pant leg went on first, or what order the other washed dishes in, or what kept the other up at night (though none of that really changed over time, memories of a previous life keeping them in the same routine for some small bit of comfort).

The law intern had her hands full at work, though, so she didn’t have too much time to dwell on it.  Gustus had been giving her more and more work and, as tedious as it was, she was excited for the opportunities.  He was personally mentoring her and had essentially taken her under his wing. 

The one thing about work that sufficiently put a damper on her day was that Costia had ended up at the same firm.  She wasn’t necessarily a rival or anything and they didn’t particularly spend too much time together, but they did have to work together on things every so often.  The two brunettes hadn’t spoken much after everything that happened at Costia’s apartment five years previous and there had been an underlying tension between the two of them since then.  Costia had apologized in the beginning, explaining to Lexa the conversation she had had with Clarke that morning.  The curly-haired law student had tried to threaten Clarke and intimidate her into letting her have Lexa, but the blonde had easily knocked that down.  Clarke had told her that Lexa was anything but someone’s possession to have and she only deserved someone who would give her the world.  She had told Costia that if she would be able to give Lexa all that she deserved, Clarke would willingly back off.  But, if the olive-skinned girl wasn’t in it with her whole heart, then she had no right to interfere in Lexa’s life.

The green-eyed brunette had walked away in the middle of the conversation, unable to handle the emotions.  She had never been able to deny an attraction the darker brunette, but she had never loved the girl.  Clarke had her body, heart, and mind and Lexa should never have even thought that she would be able to walk away from that.  The medical student would have let her, though, and she wouldn’t have put up a fight.  Hearing that story from Costia was the first time she realized that she might never be able to move on from the blonde.

Work was a solace to her now, though.  She was able to focus on helping people and learning at the same time.  Lexa had decided to go into family law.  She was focused on law within the foster system and for children who had lost their families, and she felt like she couldn’t have been doing anything else.

Raven and Octavia had both finished school for the term and had their hands full with their own programs.  Octavia was shadowing a psychologist at the local Children’s Hospital, learning the tricks of her trade before she started school again in the fall.  Raven had a job at a local Tesla engineering firm, learning all about the technology that would go into the cars of the future.  They couldn’t have been more stoked about their summer plans if they tried. 

They were particularly excited that they had managed to make plans with Clarke two weeks into their break.  Lexa, Raven, and Octavia all happened to have a Saturday off together and decided to ask the medical intern if the hospital could spare her for a day.  Getting confirmation from the blonde, they agreed to meet up at a locally owned coffee shop.

Raven and Octavia were the first ones to make it to the coffee shop that day since Lexa claimed she had something she needed to do.  They knew exactly what they would be getting before even sitting down so their drinks were already sitting in front of them when Clarke showed up.  She ordered a simple hot chocolate and grinned when the two brunettes laughed at her for being so simple.

"Clarke, you're literally one of the most mature people I've ever met.  I don't think anyone would even believe me if I told them you're really just a big softy."  

The blonde offered a sheepish smile to Octavia's joking voice, electing to appreciate the light-hearted air about them as opposed to dwelling on the reasons behind the dichotomy of her behaviors.   

Lexa came rushing into the coffee shop in the middle of Octavia telling a story about a giant hulking dude at the gym who was completely ripped in the top half of his body, but his legs looked like toothpicks that would snap at any moment.  Raven laughed at that, openly judging the “gym buffs” that ignored leg days. 

They talked about work for a while, then went on to summer plans.  None of them really had anything they wanted to do outside of work considering they wouldn’t be taking much time off.  Clarke was supposed to start her psychology rotations soon, so she mentioned that she’d be spending less time at the hospital. 

Octavia jumped on that, “Holy shit!  Does that mean we get to hang out more???”

Clarke was startled by the sudden excited outburst, but felt a smirk cross her face, “It is possible that I’ll be able to go out more, yes; but I will be doing more work outside of the hospital as well, though.”

The three flatmates felt a twinge of worry at that, knowing what kind of work she did outside of the hospital.  Raven didn’t want to let the atmosphere go somber, though, so she said, “How about we get together for drinks next Friday.  We’ll take you to our favourite bar and it’ll be a blast and then come over and watch movies and just chill.”

Lexa’s eyes immediately shot over to Clarke, knowing how the blonde felt about bar scenes.  Raven realized her slip up immediately and added, “Or we could do dinner or something!  We could do literally anything.  Whatever works for everyone is what we should do.” 

Clarke looked back at the mechanic and felt some of the weight leave her chest when she saw the big smile directed her way.  She gave a soft smile back and said, “I’m more than happy to do whatever you all would like to do.”

Eventually they agreed on going out to dinner and maybe back to the girls’ apartment for a movie.  Before they could discuss much else, Clarke got a call from the hospital, causing her to have to run out of the coffee shop.  The three brunettes watched her walk away, more than happy that they had successfully made plans for the following weekend.

The week went quickly for all four of them.  They all had so much work thrown their way that they rarely ever saw each other.  By the time Friday rolled around they were all excited to just be able to spend time together.  Lexa, Raven, and Octavia made their way out of the apartment laughing and messing with each other, more than excited to finally have a night to just go out and chill.  They weren’t going anywhere super casual, but they weren’t too fancy either and they were perfectly balanced to look comfortable and hot as fuck.

Octavia was wearing a pair of jet black skinny jeans tucked into ankle boots, paired with a solid purple shirt that made her eyes pop.  She wore a soft black jacket over it and had her hair flowing down in gentle waves over her shoulder.  Raven had on a pair of black jeans as well, tucked into her combat boots, allowing her brace to camouflage in.  She had on a red and black flannel shirt and had her hair up in a bouncy ponytail.  Lexa, true to their trend, also donned black jeans, although hers were paired with a some black and white converse.  She had a green shirt on to accentuate her eyes as well and covered it with a black leather jacket.  Her hair was up in a mess of intricate braids, giving her a regal and powerful look.  She refused to admit that she had dressed up to impress anyone in particular and her two flatmates couldn’t help but poke fun at her.

Clarke walked out of her car at the same time that the three flatmates were walking towards the restaurant.  They decided on a small, local restaurant that Lexa, Raven, and Octavia went to all the time.  They know the servers there rather well and always manage to have a good time.  Clarke saw the three girls as they were passing their cars and felt her breath catch; they all looked fantastic.  It was impossible to deny that the three ladies were attractive as hell, and she refused to admit that Lexa had a special effect on her.  She looked down at her plain grey button up shirt, black jeans, and combat boots and sighed, hoping she didn’t look too dull for them.

Considering it was relatively early in the evening, there wasn’t a large crowd in the restaurant.  All four of them were more than okay with that.  They got a booth in the back, keeping them away from the bustle of people when crowds started coming in.  Everyone understood that Clarke would want the corner seat against the wall, facing the room and able to see everything.  Octavia sat next to her, Lexa sat across from her, and Raven sat next to Lexa in order to allow her braced leg room to spread out.  Clarke and Lexa snuck glances at each other, eyes meeting from time to time and blushes spreading across both of their faces each time.  Raven and Octavia exchanged sly looks, knowing the two oblivious idiots wouldn’t realize that they were still hung up on each other. 

Octavia started the conversation, “So, Clarke, have you ever been here before?”

“No, ma’am, I haven’t.  I don’t really go out to eat much.”  It was said as a joke, but the tension behind her words was impossible to miss.  A blind person could see that Clarke was uncomfortable at the moment, but they all hoped she would calm down a little as the night went on. 

The blue-eyed brunette allowed the “ma’am” comment to slip for that reason.  Instead she said, “Oh!  That means we get to take your Bestia virginity.” 

The wink that was sent her way with those words caused Clarke to choke on her water.  Octavia threw her head back, laughing as she patted the blonde on the back to help her clear her throat.  Blue eyes met blue and Clarke could see the mirth hidden in her new friend’s eyes.  Wanting to seem friendlier than she usually did and not scare the three ladies away she forced a chuckle out.  It was stupid that, after all these years, the topic of her virginity still caused her to flash back to the time it actually had been taken. 

Lexa knew from experience what that word did to the blonde and watched her face carefully.  She knew that Clarke was struggling on the inside with that word, and her heart ached that the younger girl wasn’t allowing it to show through.  She wanted to be able to reach over and hold her hand, to run her own fingers through golden locks and pepper her forehead with kisses, comforting her and shielding her from all of the awful memories.  But she couldn’t do that anymore and she had to settle with keeping her hands between her knees and biting her lip.

Clarke refused to let the words affect her and carried on a normal conversation with the two newest brunettes in her life.  She was acutely aware of green eyes boring into the side of her head, but she refused to fuck up their evening again.  The last few times she had spent time out with these ladies, everything had gone to shit.  The medical intern was going to do every damn thing in her power to ensure that that didn’t happen again.

They laughed when Clarke ordered a macaroni-and-cheese with Sprite, asking her how someone so badass would be obsessed with a cheesy kid’s food.  Clarke played along though, “One can never have enough cheese.  If a food doesn’t have at least four different kinds of cheeses, then it’s not a gourmet meal.”  The serious way she spoke caused the two girls to break out in laughter again, bringing a smile to the blonde’s face.

Lexa watched them all, content to see her best friends interact with her ex.  She hadn’t expected to see Clarke this carefree with her flatmates so soon, but she wanted to enjoy it to the max.  The one thing she definitely noticed, though, was that Mac-n-Cheese with Sprite was her ex-girlfriend’s comfort meal that she ate whenever she was under a lot of stress.  She knew immediately that Clarke was more uncomfortable than she let on.

The green-eyed brunette tuned in again when she heard Raven say, “Oh! This place has the best mimosas!  We’re definitely going to have you try one.”

Clarke shuddered internally at the mention of alcohol, but didn’t allow the small smile to fall off her face.  Instead, choosing her words very carefully, she said, “Actually, Raven, I prefer not to drink, so I’m going to have to pass.” 

“Oh yea!  Lexa mentioned something about that.  Why is that, if you don’t mind my asking?”  Octavia asked.

Clarke couldn’t stop herself from bristling at that question.  She forced herself to calm down, though, and said, “Well, you see, that’s a complex question.  I can give you the short or full answer.”

Trying to relieve some of the tension, Raven said freely, “Well, we have all the time in the world!  Why don’t you give us your full answer?” 

The medical intern looked at the broad and open smiles on both faces in front of her and knew she wouldn’t be able to deny them.  She looked over at Lexa for a quick second, meeting her green eyes, and she felt all of the tension in her body release.  It was the first time in five years that thinking of the green-eyed brunette had calmed her down instead of caused her pain.  With a fresh smile on her face, she turned back to the two expectant brunettes and set off into her superficial explanation. 

"Well, you see, there's a lot about alcohol and its effects on people that are not really advertised to the consumers.  In low doses, alcohol has an anxiolytic effect, which means that it reduces the effects of anxiety.  Which definitely sounds like a good thing, but it does so by releasing the person from the effects of aversive stimuli.  So, essentially, someone could get an electric shock and, with enough alcohol, they wouldn't even notice it.  Alcohol acts as an antagonist of NMDA receptors.  Now, NMDA receptors have a lot to do with sodium, calcium, and potassium pathways within cell membranes, as well as different enzymes.  The biggest thing affected, though, is the characteristics of its synapse that begins the formation of new memories. 

"As you drink more and more, alcohol also inhibits GABAA receptors, which means that particular neurotransmitters remains active in the synapse for longer than is natural.  Increased GABAA activity results in sedations which, mixed with glutamate suppression, results in loss of coordination, comprehension, and attention.  It also increases the release of dopamine in the brain, which generally results in feelings of elation and happiness, but can affect some people negatively.  Changing the way neurotransmitter fire and work within the synapses is a risk that no one should take because it completely changes the conformation of the brain.  Drinking regularly, even a little bit at a time, can completely change how GABAA, serotonin, dopamine, glutamate, and many other neurotransmitters are translated over the years." 

Once she had started medical talk, it was hard for her to stop.  She realized that she had most likely completely lost her audience, and she tried bringing it back off on the big terminology.  However, the attention being thrown her way by the three brunettes at her table and those at the table next to them caused her to start rambling even further.  "The changes in these behaviors while under the effects of alcohol can change everything about a person's character.  People tend to lose awareness of their surroundings and what is or is not appropriate.  And with my personal experience with alcohol and alcoholics, not being 100% aware of your surroundings at all times can have terrible consequences."  The blonde dug her nails into her palms with that statement, realizing that her explanation too a turn into territory that she wanted to avoid completely.  Forcing a chuckle through her teeth in an attempt to lighten the mood, she joked, "Most importantly, though, alcohol makes people look like fools and I'd rather avoid that in front of you all."

 

They all released breathy chuckles at that, allowing Clarke’s joke to break through the tension.  It was a lame joke and they wouldn’t have laughed in any other situation, but they all knew that the blonde was probably uncomfortable at this point and none of them really knew how to react.

“Well, we’re definitely not here to make you do anything you don’t want to, so you just dig into that Mac-n-Cheese and down that Sprite and we’ll all have a blast.  Okay? Okay.”

Clarke felt a genuine smile cross her face at Raven’s easy words.  Her attention was caught by the waiter coming with all of their dishes, effectively ending that part of the conversation.

Raven and Octavia spent the first few minutes after receiving their food fighting over whether or not they were going to share with each other.  Lexa watched them with a fond smile.  The two brunettes fought like Athens and Sparta, but they loved each other and she knew they would end up eating out of each other’s plates anyways. 

Green eyes made their way to the blonde’s fair features, taking in everything she had missed in the last five years.  Her face was more solemn than it had been then, something she would never have believed was possible.  The blue eyes that haunted her dreams were still there, however they were dull and subdued compared to the vibrancy that lit up her life when they been together.  Those eyes used to be able to fix her entire day with a single look or twinkle, and now they looked cold and hard, guarded tighter than Fort Knox.  Her cheekbones and jawline were far more defined, which Lexa assumed was from extra years of working out like crazy.  That thought led her to remembering Octavia’s comment about Clarke’s involvement in a fight club and her reminiscing was cut short once again by the harsh reality of what their lives had become.

Clarke could feel green eyes boring into her skin.  The last thing she wanted, though, was to make the law intern feel awkward that she had been caught staring.  Add that to the fact that Clarke wasn’t sure if she was mentally capable of looking into green eyes and not breaking down.  She watched her two new friends(?) bicker about food and allowed it to comfort her out of whatever thoughts were trying to make their way into her mind.

After some time and a couple of different arguments later, the four ladies sat silently, just enjoying their food.  Raven eventually broke the silence, unable to hold back her curiosity about the newest addition to their Friday night outing.

“So, Clarke, how is it that you’re at USC?”

Clarke took a sip of her Sprite before giving an answer, contemplating how much information she wanted to disclose.  "Well, I had contacted different medical schools early in my undergrad.  I was out one night and one thing led to another and I ended up with a connection at the school.  I applied after I took my MCAT and the guy there looked at my application."

Octavia had heard the full story from Lincoln, and she knew the information that was being left out.  She couldn't quite figure out why, exactly, Clarke didn't want to tell them everything, but she understood that the younger blonde had her own pace that she was comfortable moving at.  She didn't want to push the girl too hard.  

 ~~~~Octavia did decide to reach a little further with the next question, though: “Does medical school offer some sort of scholarships?”

Clarke looked at Octavia closely, watching for any sign of judgment.  Seeing nothing but genuine curiosity, she sighed, “No, ma’am. That's part of what has caused me so many problems.  At one point in time, the pricy-ness of USC wasn't quite as daunting as it is now, but the medical bills proved to be big pains in the ass.  There is a program at USC that Dr. Deidre has me working with that have lessened the amount that I owe by a little bit.  I'm working however I can outside of the hospital, though, to try and help with whatever else I still have to take care of."

“Does that work happen to include a fight club?”

Blue eyes shot over to meet green, noticing immediately that the law intern hadn’t intended for the words to come out.  After all these years, she could still read those eyes as if they were a book written specifically for her, glowing and worn like a well read novel that you couldn’t put down no matter how much you might want to.  She took a deep breath before answering, “I do whatever it takes to survive.  I try not to go too often, but sometimes money gets tight and I need something quick.  So yes, that work does occasionally entail a fight club.”

The three brunettes at the table could feel the tension rolling off the blonde in waves and decided it would be better if they let the conversation drop.  The last thing any of them wanted was for the medical intern to feel like they were attacking her.

Raven broke through the tension with a wise-ass joke about the movie _Fight Club_ and Octavia jumped right on it, allowing everyone to move on from the weight of the previous conversation. 

They all finished their food and waited for their bills to come by.  They generally traded off with one person paying for the meal in total but had agreed beforehand to pay individually so as not to put any pressure on Clarke.  When their bills finally showed up, though, they all noticed Clarke hesitate when pulling out her wallet.  They could tell she was struggling to come up with the right amount, but all three flatmates abstained from looking at her directly.  Clarke knew that they were all aware of her struggle and was grateful that they were acting oblivious.

When they were done in the restaurant, they walked along the sidewalk with some shops and such.  Clarke noticed a Cold Stone a few shops down and unconsciously turned to Lexa with an excited look on her face, almost hopping up and down.  She was met with such a pained look of longing in green eyes and was immediately brought back to their current situation.  The blonde jerked back around, looking straight ahead as stiffly as possible. 

Octavia noticed the interaction (if you could call it that) and decided to handle it herself.  She quickly grabbed Raven’s hand and guided her directly towards the ice cream shop, eyeing the two behind them from the door.  The two younger brunettes were already looking at different ice creams when Clarke and Lexa walked in.  They got in line behind their friends calmly, watching them with soft smiles on their faces.

Clarke and Lexa waited for the two excited brunettes to order their ice creams before moving forward.  Lexa’s brain immediately took her back over five years and she walked right up to the counter and said, “One ‘like it’ birthday cake remix, please, and one ‘like it’ banana ice cream with two Reese’s cups, please.”

Clarke stood frozen where she was.  Her brain was imagining herself five years younger, safe and secure with her girlfriend’s fingers between her own, a loving smile directed at her.  Remembering those experiences, feeling those feelings, it all made her feel inexplicably dirty and she had an urge to go take a shower.  She didn’t want her current self to taint the memories she had of her life before.

Lexa realized what she had done almost immediately after it was done.  She turned to the blonde next to her, intending to apologize profusely for assuming her order, but stopped short when she saw the look on her face.  Blue eyes were looking at her with such fire in them, burning with some unrecognizable emotion behind walls Donald Trump would be jealous of.  Realizing that they were blocking the people behind them from ordering, she gently placed her hand on the medical intern’s shoulder to guide her towards the table Octavia and Raven had picked out for them.  She tried not to react when Clarke flinched at her touch, but she couldn’t stop her heart from breaking.

Raven and Octavia definitely noticed what happened between them at the counter and they put extra effort into not letting it show on their faces.  Under normal circumstances they would have poked endless fun at Lexa, but they were concerned with how Clarke would react to the attention.  They decided, instead, to tease the green-eyed brunette when they got back home. 

The four friends enjoyed their ice cream for some time, although Clarke was noticeably quieter now than she had been earlier.  None of them faulted her for it, though, knowing that this night had been full of lots of new experiences for the closed-off girl.  After finishing their ice cream, they realized that it was already almost 9 o’clock.  They walked towards their cars, Raven, Lexa, and Octavia having come in one and Clarke in her own. 

The three flatmates walked the blonde to her car and they stood there for some more time just talking.  Raven, being the mechanics nerd that she was, asked if she could check out the Chevelle.  While Raven went crazy over the car, Clarke explained to them that the car had been her parents’ when they were alive and her father had kept it for her.  Her lawyer had contacted her when she turned 16, saying that her father had wanted her to have the car when she got her license.  She had refused it at the time, arguing that she didn’t want anything so precious and valuable while she was still in the foster system.  She got in contact with him again when she moved into the Woods’s house and found out about all of the other things she would inherit after she turned 20.

Lexa’s eyes widened.  “That’s where the trust fund came from!”

Clarke eyes the brunette, surprised that she actually remembered that information.  Lexa _was_ in law, though, so it wasn’t too shocking.  “Yes, ma’am.  They left me some money in the bank that was made available to me after I turned 21.” 

She knew immediately that the two brunettes listening to her wanted to know what happened to the money, but their attention was pulled to the mechanic on the other side of the car.  “Yo!  Why is the material of this door different than the rest of the car?”

Clarke looked at Raven, hyper aware of the attention of the other two brunettes on her as well.  She cleared her throat and spoke, “There was a situation a few years ago, and I was hit in the side of my car.  The front of it took the brunt of the hit and was in rather poor condition.  I had to get much of it replaced and repaired, but I couldn’t find any similar materials.”  She turned to the two ladies next to her and said, “The money from the fund was used to fix the car, finish off Anya’s medical bills, and my initial payments for medical school.”

“C’mon, kid, the car had to be more than just ‘in rather poor condition’ to have to have that much of it replaced.”   Raven challenged Clarke this time.  She didn’t want her to back down from the explanation. 

The blonde steeled the older brunette with her gaze.  “The front passenger side of the car was completely crushed.  The car was in the shop for over a month.  There was a high probability that it wouldn’t have been able to be salvaged.”

All three brunettes were taken aback by her clipped explanation.  They hadn’t expected one at all, but the straightforwardness here was like a bucket of cold water.  It didn’t go over any of their heads that if the car was in that bad condition, Clarke must’ve been extremely injured as well.

Raven looked from Clarke to the car a few times before something clicked in her head.  She walked back over to the blonde on the other side of the car and waited until blue eyes met her own.  She spoke in a soft voice, “Is this the car accident you were talking about when you told us about your TBI?”

Clarke was taken aback by the fact that Raven actually remembered that particular detail.  She had mentioned it in passing and tried her hardest not to make it seem like a big deal.  Brown eyes had locked her own blue eyes in place, though, and she couldn’t look away.  Clarke nodded softly, aware of the gazes of the other two brunettes on her as well.

A soft smile spread across Raven’s lips, conveying the undeniable truth of her next statement, and she raised her hand to rest it on Clarke’s shoulder.  “I’m glad you’re okay, Clarke.”

They split ways from the parking lot since Clarke informed them that she had to be at the hospital at 6 the following morning.  Lexa, Raven, and Octavia all got into their designated seats in the law intern’s Audi and headed off towards their apartment.

They didn’t need to participate in Clarke’s psych rotations to know that Lexa was stressed out.  Her knuckles were tight around the steering wheel and her eyes were not 100% focused on the road ahead of them.  Octavia and Raven had so many questions that they wanted to ask their roommate, but the didn’t know where Lexa’s boundaries were. 

The three best friends made it back to their apartment in relative silence.  They assured each other that they had genuinely enjoyed the evening as they were walking thorough the door.  Raven and Octavia were excited to be able to plan another night out with their newest friend and they were all eager to help her get comfortable around them again. 

They went to their respective rooms and got into comfortable clothes.  They all opened their doors at the same time and laughed.  Raven cracked some joke about their souls being connected and Lexa just scoffed at the two younger brunettes pretending to fall in love.  Laughing, they made their way to the sofa, though Octavia made a detour to the kitchen to get them all drinks. 

Raven and Octavia both got slightly worried when their best friend asked for a beer instead of a soda, but Octavia obliged and watched as she downed half the bottle in one go.  The two younger brunettes sat and allowed their friend to sit in silence for some time while watching Modern Family, knowing that was her main comfort show.  After two episodes, though, they both decided that it was time to start talking.

Neither girl wanted the conversation to be serious.  They knew that the law intern had trouble sifting through her own emotions as they came and they had learned early on in their friendship to ask their own questions and have her answer them instead of just telling her to talk about whatever was on her mind.  Octavia went to go get them all another drink, which sparked Raven’s first question.

“Hey so what was Clarke’s deal with alcohol?  Like, I understood some of what she said and I feel like I got the overall gist or whatever, but it seemed too rehearsed and official to be legit.”

Octavia interjected, "Also goddamn she used a lot of big words.  I mean, I recognized some of 'em from BioPsych, but shit even my professor doesn't talk like that." 

Lexa sighed but didn't look up at either of the girls next to her.  "What she said is the medical reason for why she stays away from alcohol.  She's one of the rare doctors that actually implements the medical knowledge into her real life.  It could be sufficiently annoying."  She let out a small chuckle, but the law intern's flatmates could hear the pain in her breath. Lexa turned to look at the two girls next to her, seeing them studying her face expectantly.  These two girls sitting on the sofa with her, her two best friends, genuinely wanted to know about Clarke.  they cared about the younger girl and they wanted to get to know her and were concerned with who she was and how to keep her comfortable for no reason other than she was special to Lexa.  her lives of "before" and "after" were meeting and everything was starting to mesh together.  

She could feel herself start to choke up and decided to get back to her answer, "The main answer, that she probably doesn't like advertising, is that she's been through a lot.  You know the kinds of houses she was in in the system, and I'm sure you've managed to figure out some of the things that have happened to her.  A lot of the guys she encountered used and abused alcohol, and then used its influence as an excuse to use and abuse her.  She would have to perform certain... _favors..._ to get food sometimes, which ended up being a lot.  As she got older and further in school, she had less time to deal with them and she ended up spending days without food."  Lexa looked out again, remembering the situations she was actually there for.  "I don't think these are the kinds of things anyone could ever just get over.  She ended up with such an extreme sense of paranoia, it was terrifying sometimes.  We shared a Rockstar one time - she said that she wanted something to be able to stay up and study - and she vowed never to touch anything with that much caffeine again.  I don't want to give away too many details, but she had the most intense panic attack I've ever seen.  When she said that she likes to remain aware of her surroundings, she absolutely was not kidding or exaggerating.  Her survival for so many years has literally hinged on her ability to protect herself from any unexpected occurrences." 

Green eyes turned back to the two brunettes at their side and took in the look of disbelief on their faces.  Lexa sighed, knowing that this kind of story was painful for anyone that heard it.  She looked at her best friends, using them as a tether to her reality.  She needed them to ground her so that her mind stayed away from even scarier places.  She took a deep breath and let it out, "That was her reasoning half a decade ago.  Who the fuck even knows what's happened to her since then."

Octavia and Raven watched their flatmate as she trailed off and raised her bottle back to her lips.  She took a long drink from the bottle before pulling it away from her face and glaring at it as if the bottle had betrayed her.  Her grip got so tight it looked as though her knuckles would rip through her skin, but she relaxed it and just leant forward to place the bottle on the coffee table, resting her head in her hands.  Neither of them knew what to do to help their friend, but Raven scooted closer slightly and rested her hand on Lexa’s back.

Lexa looked up, meeting brown eyes filled with concern.  Her own eyes were brimming with tears that she didn’t want to let fall.  She looked over into blue eyes that reminded her so much of the eyes that haunted her dreams and wasn’t able to stop the first tear from falling.  Her face never changed, the expression remained pained, and the tears just started a steady path down her cheeks, trailing down her neck and meeting in the crevice between her clavicles. 

Raven hated seeing her best friend in so much pain.  She hated the look of despair written across her face and the helplessness in her eyes.  She moved closer to the law intern and wrapped her arm around her shoulders, bringing her in to rest her head against her shoulder.  Lexa finally let out a slight whimper and pressed further into her best friend’s shoulder.  She felt a dip on the other side of the sofa and felt another hand start rubbing up and down her back.

Octavia sat on the other side of Lexa, sandwiching the girl between herself and Raven.  Blue eyes met brown and they couldn’t help but feel like they were finally paying back part of what they owed this girl who had saved them in the most innocent of ways.  The law intern had done so much for them over the years, from giving them a family to giving them a home and a place to feel like they were safe and belonged; a place where they were equal.  She had spent countless nights up helping both of them through whatever demons they had lurking in their closets, both alone and together, and nursed them back to health after their eventual hangovers.  They were finally able to repay some of that and they wanted to do everything they possibly could to help her feel better. 

They could tell that the older brunette was drowning in her guilt for what happened to her ex-girlfriend, and they also seemed to understand that she might have taken them in as a way to atone to herself - whether she was aware of it or not.  Neither of them could disagree with the fact that Lexa completely and totally fucked up with Clarke, from the cheating to not fighting to get her to stay, but that didn't mean that they were just going to let her suffer through this by herself.  

“Love, it’ll all be okay.  She’s not alone anymore and we’ll be there for her if she needs anything.”  Octavia tried saying something to comfort the older brunette, but the words were weak considering they all knew the absent blonde might never come to them for help.  “We can teach her about family again, the same way you taught us.”

Lexa raised her head to look over her shoulder at Octavia’s face.  She studied blue eyes, seeing the genuine concern there and felt more tears break out of her eyes.  She turned to Raven and saw the concern still there in brown depths and everything came rushing out, “She was there.  She was in a good place five years ago and I – oh god, I fucked it all up.  She was safe and she was healthy and she was alive and I fucked it all up and now everything has gone to shit.”

The two younger brunettes started getting concerned when they noticed Lexa start hyperventilating.  The law intern hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time and they both felt the pain of this one, knowing that it meant they were all headed for painful times. 

Octavia reached for Lexa’s chin, turning her head so she could look into green eyes.  They were panicked when she finally saw them, tears now pouring out in streams.  The older brunette was gasping for breaths and her face was turning red.  Octavia carefully framed the angular face, making sure green eyes stayed locked on her own.  She started a steady breathing pattern silently, knowing words weren’t going to help the law intern.  Lexa had always been a very silent and subconscious person.  Raven and Octavia had quickly come to learn that Lexa was more comforted by a solid presence than she was by the things they said. 

Their breathing eventually synced up and Octavia could feel her friend relax some of the tension that had built up in her body.  Her body slumped back into Raven’s side, the mechanic’s arm tightening its hold on her to keep her steady while green eyes remained locked on blue like a lifeline.  Raven and Octavia fought to keep their own eyes clear of tears.  They knew that they had to stay strong to be able to help Lexa.

"Lexa you can't carry this guilt around with you all the time.  You don't have to demonize yourself for what has happened to Clarke.  You made a mistake, babe, and it had catastrophic consequences.  But mistakes happen and, when they do, we have to come up with a way to deal with the results.  There's a lot that has to be said and a lot that has to be done to start fixing it, but burying yourself in guilt is not going to help anyone."

Lexa felt herself start trembling again at Octavia's words.  She knew they were true, but she couldn't bring herself to completely believe it.  Her thoughts liked to creep up on her and kick her while she was down.  She knew that a lot of Clarke's situation had to do with the houses she was raised in, and she really didn't have any control over that.  Everything that had happened in the last five years, though, was all on her.  If she had supported Clarke the right way after running into Cage things wouldn't have gone downhill the way they did.  If she hadn't gone to Costia's apartment that night, she probably never would have cheated on her girlfriend.  If she had gotten up from that sofa when Clarke was leaving, she might have been able to talk her out of leaving.  Everything that she did during those months was wrong.  Lexa's actions, or lack thereof, had led the woman she loved to believe she was disgusting and despicable and not worth anything.  Lexa had caused her girlfriend to leave and to end up where she was now.  She was back with that shitfuck Jaha because she was desperate for survival.  The law intern had every reason to hate herself and she did it full force at times like this.  

At the same time, though, she could believe that it wasn't all her fault.  They had both completely shut down after that one night.  Clarke had been conditioned to keep everything close to herself, to not express anything and handle it all in her own head.  Looking back on it now, Lexa should've told the blonde to talk to a professional or, at lease, someone who knew how to help.  At the time, though, she had thought that she was protecting her girlfriend.  Clarke hated talking about things and she couldn't always handle being faced with her own emotions.  The law student had just wanted her girlfriend to feel comfortable and safe in their home.  If anyone deserved a break from the shit of life, it was Clarke.  Clarke had been the one to walk out.  Jaha and Cage and everyone else had hammered it into her head that she was worthless and Lexa had worked night and day to convince her other.  When she let Clarke leave their apartment that night, though, Lexa had reaffirmed what Clarke's foster fathers had taught her.  The nagging voice in the back of the law intern's head, remnants of her heart that had broken, told her that it was all her fault.  

 ~~~~ ~~~~The law intern eventually tired herself out and fell asleep curled up with her head in Raven’s lap.  The two younger brunettes knew that they wouldn’t be able to move for some time and, truth be told, neither of them really wanted to move.  They weren’t uncomfortable on the sofa and they actually enjoyed being all curled up together.

Octavia settled herself further into the couch, mindful of Lexa’s legs across her lap.  She turned her head to look at Raven.  Their eyes met and they were both immediately comforted to know that they were thinking the same thing.  They had had no idea that Lexa was carrying this kind of pain around in her heart all these years, and it pained them to know that she had kept this hidden.  This was their chance, though.  They would be able to help her now in the same way that she had helped them.  She had chased away their demons, sacrificing nights of sleep to hold one or both of them as they broke down and now it was their turn to pay it back. 

Octavia was the first one to feel a tear trail its way down her cheek.  The weight of her best friend’s pain was weighing on her now and she hurt in her own heart.  Raven quickly followed her, both crying silently for their sleeping friend.  Looking at each other, though, they knew that everything would be okay.  They would help Lexa through whatever she went through and they would be there for each other.

They woke up the following morning, all tangled up in each other.  Octavia was the first one to wake up, feeling a foot jab into her gut.  Lexa was still laying across her lap, but Raven had joined her on the opposite side of the sofa.  Octavia had somehow ended up with her legs on the coffee table and her head resting against the back of the sofa.  She sat up slightly and groaned at the pops that sounded through the living room.  Focusing back on the two brunettes laying on the other side of the sofa, she felt a small smile cross her face.  They looked so peaceful and content, ignoring everything going on in the world around them.  Lexa still had tear tracks on her cheeks, but she seemed comfortable in sleep.  The blue-eyed brunette worried about what Lexa would feel like when she woke up. 

Raven woke up next, to a tickling sensation against her throat.  She opened her eyes to see a head of messy brown hair in her face.  Lexa was wrapped around her with her head burrowed into the mechanic’s shoulder.  Raven felt her heart swell, more than happy to be able to comfort the law intern in even the smallest of ways.  She looked over and saw blue eyes staring back at her, a playful smirk across her lips. 

Raven and Octavia managed to get out from under the sleeping beauty and went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast.  They ate and waited for Lexa to wake up, but the previous night seemed to have taken a lot out of the law intern and she slept until almost one in the afternoon.  Raven and Octavia finished their work early in the day and spent the rest of the time before Lexa woke up planning out different ways to help their best friend, and how they could help the girl who was quickly becoming a best friend. 

The trio spent that weekend trying to find their footing again as Lexa dealt with the guilt that plagued her every thought.  Her two flatmates were saviors to her in that time, knowing she could have gone to many dangerous things in order to comfort herself.  They eventually got back into safe waters and into the grooves of their lives.

They talked to Clarke from time to time over the next few weeks.  Lexa had started texting her as well, hoping that they could repair and rebuild at least some semblance of a friendship.  Their schedules were all so busy that they weren’t able to properly hold a conversation with her for too long.  The medical intern checked in with them from time to time and they texted her to make sure she was alive and well, but that was the extent of their conversations for quite a while.  The three flatmates wanted nothing more than to be able to hang out with Clarke more, but her schedule at the hospital hadn't really calmed down much.  They would make plans and then have to cancel at the last minute. 

Jasper and Monty asked about her a few times, whenever they came over to the girls' apartment.  It warmed everyone's hearts to see them actually caring about her.  Lincoln, of course, would ask about how she was doing, but he was also able to text her on his own.  Indra was a whole other story and they were all slightly terrified of bringing any of it up with her.  

They were starting to feel like the blonde medical intern was a part of their family, in whatever unconventional idea they could muster up, and the crew eagerly waited for the time where Clarke would feel the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was alright! I'm glad that things have calmed down for the girls a little bit and they were actually able to have a chill conversation without it all going completely to shit. 
> 
> The information about alcohol and its effect is all true, and is really just straight out of my Behavioral Neuroanatomy textbook :P My fact-checking is also part of why it took me so long to get this chapter up. 
> 
> Also, banana ice cream with two Reese's cups from Cold Stone is the only ice cream I ever eat. It sounds hella weird and gross but it's really good I promise!
> 
> This is the least angsty thing I've ever written, so I hope it was okay!
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	12. The Sergeant and the Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Indra have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm so sorry this is so late. Between packing and leaving and traveling, it's been insane and I've barely had any time to do anything. I hope you enjoy the chapter, though! 
> 
> Also, a heads up, I changed Indra's rank from Lieutenant to Sergeant because I realized it was slightly unrealistic for her to have made it all the way there so soon (and I'm ashamed that I didn't realize that sooner). 
> 
> This is unedited because I really just want to get it up for you guys, so I'm sorry if it's wonky or if there are any mistakes.

Indra walked into her apartment and dropped her bag by the door.  She grabbed a bottle of water from her fridge and walked directly to her sofa.  Planting her feet on the floor, she leaned back so her head was resting against the back of the sofa.  It would have been perfect if she could shut her mind up.

Her brother was out on a date with his girlfriend that night, so she knew that she wouldn’t have to worry about anyone coming into her home unannounced.  It was the perfect situation, considering her plans for the evening. 

Clarke would be coming over in a bit.

When Anya stopped by her apartment unannounced at the beginning of April, she could never have imagined what the Army Captain was going to tell her.  Being the two oldest members of their pseudo family, Anya and Indra always had a special bond.  It was virtually imperceptible to the Sergeant that Anya would have kept something like this from her. 

However, when she opened her door that night, she was met with a very guarded Anya, looking straight at her as if she was talking to her soldiers.  Indra knew immediately that the other woman had already prepared herself for some sort of confrontation.

Anya had been right to guard herself.  She had been right to assume that Indra would be furious – a furious Indra was something none of them ever wanted to see, and none of them had before that night.  Anya had been the first one in their entire group to ever have Indra be truly angry at them, and she never wanted to see anything like it again.

The Sergeant sighed, remembering that particular conversation.  She had always had a special bond with Clarke, and they had grown close in a way that the young blonde hadn’t connected to anyone else.  A certain memory slammed into her mind before she was able to stop it and she felt her breath catch.

_Indra was sitting in her room, preparing for work the next day, when a knock came at her front door.  She knew that Lincoln was at his dorm that night and he wouldn’t knock to come in anyways.  She got up and walked to the door, looking out of the peephole and immediately rushing to open the door._

_Clarke was standing in front of the door, back facing the house and shivering beyond control.  She must not have noticed Indra opening the door because when the older woman placed a hand on her shoulder, gently calling her name, the young blonde jumped and spun around, stumbling backwards.  She would have fallen to the ground had Indra not grabbed her arm._

_The whimper that left the girl’s mouth at the contact was enough to alert the officer that something was going on.  She quickly ushered the quiet girl into her house and closed the door behind them._

_Clarke stood in the middle of the living room, looking around like a lost puppy, and Indra felt her heart clench.  She could tell something had happened, and she was terrified to hear what it was._

_Indra gently led the quiet girl to a seat, pulling her down slowly so that she was seated next to her.  Clarke had told Lexa and Anya about her home life barely a month previous, and this was the first time Indra was experiencing anything herself.  Clarke hadn’t really spent much one-on-one time with her yet and she didn’t know exactly what to do yet.  Hoping to not seem too crowding, she kept a slight distance from the younger girl, but not so far that Clarke felt like she was alone.  Indra could feel the tremors running through Clarke’s body and she couldn’t keep quiet anymore._

_“What’s going on, kiddo?  What happened?”_

_The younger girl flinched at the voice, and her eyes screwed shut.  Indra had made sure to whisper as soft as she could, but it seemed that Clarke was stuck somewhere deep in terror._

_The darker woman gently raised a hand to cup the girl’s face.  She rested her left hand on Clarke’s right cheek, gently turning her head so that their eyes could meet.  Stroking her thumb over her cheekbone, Indra could feel the tear tracks that hadn’t yet dried and she felt another throb in her chest.  She could see bruising already forming in different places on the girl’s face, blood caked across different cuts as well.  Her lip was split and there was a gash on her forehead.  Clarke definitely looked like she had been through the wringer that night._

_Indra looked deep into blue eyes, seeing nothing but turmoil in their depths.  As soon as they made eye contact, Clarke’s bottom lip starting trembling even harder and her eyes filled with a new layer of tears._

_Indra could see the struggle in those blue eyes to keep her tears from falling any more, and she tried to offer up the most reassuring smile that she could.  The officer knew that she had a reputation for being scary and intimidating at best, and she was usually proud of that legacy.  At this moment, though, she wanted nothing more than to seem as open and welcoming as possible.  Clarke came to her house for a reason, she chose to seek out Indra for a reason, and the dark woman wanted to make sure that the terrified girl didn’t regret that decision._

_Clarke’s throat bobbed up and down and Indra could see a single tear make a track down the blonde’s face, hanging on the edge of her jaw before falling onto her lap.  The rest of the tears were blinked away, not allowed to make her seem any more vulnerable than she already did.  Indra could feel the jaw under her hand clench and saw the younger girl sit up a little straighter._

_The transformation was incredible.  Had she not seen it herself, Indra would never have been able to believe that the girl sitting in front of her at that moment was the same quiet, terrified, haunted girl that showed up on her doorstep.  All of a sudden, Clarke looked as she normally did.  Her eyes were closed off, back straight, neck up, shoulders back – she looked regal and completely in control._

_Indra pulled back slightly, recognizing the signs that Clarke was trying to give herself some control back.  The officer matched her posture, giving the girl some feeling of solidarity._

_They sat like that in silence for some time.  Clarke wasn’t open to talking yet, and Indra was going to respect that.  There was no way in hell that Indra was going to try and push her and make her feel even more uncomfortable than she already did._

_Eventually, Clarke moved a little bit, and Indra noticed her wincing.  Remembering the way the girl had reacted to her initial contact, the older woman remembered that there must have been something causing her pain, at least on her arms._

_In as soft of a voice as she could muster, Indra asked, “Clarke, can I see your arms?”_

_There was a sharp intake of breath from the girl next to her, and that was about all the reaction she got.  She decided to try testing the waters a little bit, not wanting to let a closed-off Clarke dictate the whole interaction, and reached out one hand to rest it gently on a covered forearm.  A slight twitch was all the reaction she got, but it was also all the confirmation Indra needed.  She had been around enough victims around the precinct to be able to tell the signs._

_“I’m going to lift your sleeve now.”_

_Indra tried to school her features before she could show a reaction, and it was a hell of a feat to do so.  There were angry, red and purple marks around the girl’s forearm in the shape of handprints.  The skin around her wrist had been chaffed to the point of bleeding and raw, and that was only on one arm.  She could only assume that it was just as bad on the other arm as well._

_“Clarke, whatever happened – you can tell me about it.  You don’t have to be afraid here.  No one that walks through that door would ever even think about judging you.”_

_Clarke just looked at her.  No words came out of the girl’s mouth, and nothing in her expression changed.  Blue eyes were focused straight ahead, completely disregarding everything around them._

_Indra sighed.  “Will you at least let me take care of your wounds?”_

_Receiving no response, the officer assumed that, since she didn’t get a rejection, Clarke couldn’t object to her going to get their first-aid kit._

_Walking back with the supplies, Indra sat on a still in front of the still silent girl and gently pulled her left arm forward.  Rolling Clarke’s sleeve back, the darker woman started on cleaning the skin with an antiseptic.  Finishing the first arm, she reached for the second and repeated the process._

_When both arms were cleaned and bandaged, Indra looked back up at the blonde’s face.  She had hoped that the time in silence would have given Clarke some time to gather herself and get a little more comfortable.  It seemed as though she was right when she was met with blue eyes watching her intently, indiscernible emotions playing across her features, but emotions there nonetheless._

_Looking up towards Clarke now, Indra got a new view of the younger girl’s head.  From this perspective, the officer saw the scariest of the marks on her friend’s body.  There were bruises around her neck, slowly getting more violent and more harsh.  A dark hand reached out gently and trailed soft fingers across the bruises.  The whole bruised and battered body clenched, becoming taut as a bowstring, looking as though the slightest pressure would cause her whole being to snap.  If Clarke had thought that she had her own voice, Indra had no doubt that she would’ve been punched in the face at the very least.  Knowing victim mentalities, however, she knew that the girl would not stand up for herself._

_Indra pulled her hand away from Clarke’s neck quickly.  She had hoped that the touch would be comforting, but if it didn’t work immediately, she didn’t want to push anything.  She immediately moved on to cleaning the open cuts on the medical student’s face._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Indra wouldn’t have believed that she actually heard the words if her hands weren’t literally on Clarke’s face.  She paused her actions for a moment, studying the blonde’s face._

_“Clarke, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.”_

_“I didn’t mean to just show up here.  I’m sure you have important things to take care of.”_

_Brown eyes locked with blue before making the next statement, wanting to make sure that Clarke would hear every word that was said.  “Nothing could ever be more important to me than my family.”_

_Clarke’s breath caught in her throat.  She never thought of herself as a part of this little family she found herself around.  Sure, the Woods said that they wanted to keep her, but that kind of stuff never stuck.  There was little to no certainty that she would actually stay with them.  Indra’s words almost made it all that much more painful.  She wasn’t actually a part of their family, and she very likely never would be.  Clarke didn’t even know if she would ever live through a night – she rarely knew if she ever even wanted to – why would this last?_

_“Kiddo, why are you sorry?  I hope you know that I absolutely do not mind you coming to me if you need me.”_

_Clarke looked back into brown eyes, bringing herself out of the dark place she often found herself in.  Not knowing how much she could say, how much she could handle talking about, the medical student sat silently for a moment while Indra went back to taking care of her wounds._

_“I ran out again.”_

_It was so quiet, and so simple, but so important.  It was more than Clarke had told any of them since she showed up at the Woods house a month ago.  She never brought it up again after that and no one else knew how to say anything either._

_“What happened?”_

_“I’ve been bounced around for ten years.  Between Wallace and Jaha for eight.  I haven’t even tried leaving for years; people don’t usually survive that.”_

_The foster child was staring straight ahead, not looking at anything really.  Her eyes were unfocused and Indra could see nothing but storms swirling in their depths, waves crashing and thunder rolling, memories washing and roaring through her mind, tearing everything apart._

_“They punished me.  For leaving last month, for talking to people, for making frie -“_

_Indra felt another particular stab in her heart.  Clarke was still too unsure to actually call them her friends.  After everything, Clarke wasn’t able to actually believe that they were friends._

_“We are friends, Clarke.  All of us.  We will always be here to help you no matter what.”_

_Blue eyes focused on brown once again.  She looked deep into Indra’s eyes, studying what she saw.  After so many years, the blonde had become particularly acute at being able to see who was lying and when.  Whatever she saw in Indra’s face was too much for her to handle, she turned away and looked back ahead._

_“They like being as degrading as possible.  All of the guys that they bring around the house.  They get off on making the girls feel as much like shit as they can.  They’re favourite thing is when we fight back.  They like tying us up and still pretending that we’re fighting back.”_

_The words were said so blasé and straightforward, sharp enough to stab through any defense Indra had tried to set up.  She understood exactly what Clarke was talking about, it didn’t need to be spelled out for her.  The officer knew all about Thelonious Jaha and Cage Wallace, and she knew that there was fuck-all they could do about it.  There was a long standing project between many different precincts trying to take them down, but the Commissioner was in Jaha’s pocket and there was little to nothing anyone could do around him without pulling in Federal support.  None of that meant that she was okay with hearing that this shit was happening to the newest member of her family, though._

_There were a few moments of silence, nothing but the small sounds of labored breathing breaking the air in the room.  Indra chided herself for not knowing what to say, but could you really blame her?  What was anyone even supposed to say to something like that?  A member of Indra’s family came to her house, someone she hadn’t even realized had become a part of her family, seeking her out for something neither of them could quite understand, and gave her such a devastating story as if she was talking about the rain._

_One thing in particular was still plaguing the dark woman’s mind.  She knew she had to approach the subject delicately, though; Clarke’s mind was as fragile as a cup of water on a table with a cat next to it: the wrong move would tip it over the edge._

_“I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me with this.”_

_Clarke turned to look back at the woman in front of her.  Brown eyes were focused on the wounds around Clarke’s wrists once again.  Blue eyes studied her face for a moment, watching the micro-expressions flit across a dark face.  Brown eyes eventually made their way back up and met blue.  Clarke looked at her for a moment, silently, judging what she saw.  Any judgment or displeasure on the older woman’s face would’ve been the only sign the haunted blonde needed to run out._

_She was met with nothing but genuine concern and care, however, and she didn’t know what to do with it.  Clarke knew what Indra really meant by her statement.  The fact that Indra didn’t outright ask Clarke why she came to her house showed the medical student that it wasn’t necessarily a problem._

_The blonde studied the darker woman while she started speaking.  “I couldn’t stay.  They had three more guys tonight, and two were already done.  I had the option of staying or leaving and I opted to leave.  That was the wrong answer and they made sure I stayed,” she said, indicating her raw wrists.  “After the last guy was done, they told me to get the fuck out.  I didn’t know where to go.”_

_Clarke looked back into the distance, thinking about what to say next.  She could be honest, tell Indra the truth about how she felt at that moment, something that had never proven to work for her; or she could bullshit something about wandering around.  Looking back at the officer’s face, though, she saw nothing but understanding, care, and concern.  Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Clarke started talking again._

_“I didn’t know where to go.  I don’t have anyone anymore.  You all are the only people I could think of.  I didn’t want to come by and bother anyone, but I won’t be allowed to go back for a few days and the janitors are away from school already._

_“I didn’t know who else I could go to.  Mr. Gre – um, Lincoln came to mind first, but I couldn’t do that to him.  He’s too pure, still, to hear shit like this.  Anya isn’t here.  Mister and Missus Woods are so incredibly kind, they’ve done so much and they’re still trying to do so much more, but I can’t bother them with this too.  On top of everything else that they’re already going through, I can’t add this on top of it.”_

_Indra reached her hands forward and placed them gently atop Clarke’s.  It seemed as though the blonde didn’t actually notice how badly they were shaking until Indra stopped them.  The dark woman wanted nothing more than to be able to comfort this girl sitting on her sofa, trying so hard not to seem vulnerable.  “Clarke, you can trust that you’re never bothering any of us.  It’s what we’re here for.  Especially the Woods.  They’re trying to adopt you, that means they want absolutely everything to do with you.  Nothing you tell them is going to scare them away.”_

_Clarke studied her face, searching for any possible indication of deception.  Seeing none, she nodded once, softly, and maintained eye-contact.  She didn’t say anything for a moment, and Indra raised an eyebrow.  The officer could tell that Clarke had intentionally not mentioned anything about Lexa, and she wanted to know why.  Considering the way the younger girl acted around the green-eyed brunette, though, Indra had some idea as to why._

_Clarke sighed, “Lexa is something else.  She’s too pure, like Lincoln, and she shouldn’t have to hear things like this.  Lincoln plans on going into Law Enforcement, Anya is in the military, you’re already an officer and I knew you wouldn’t judge.  Lexa is so delicate, so precious, she deserves better than to have her bubble popped by something like this.  I can’t be the one to take that innocence from her, that beauty and radiance that she’s probably not even aware of, but lights up the whole world.  She has this – “_

_Clarke cut off abruptly, finally taking note of the soft smile on Indra’s face, and she knew she was caught._

That was the moment they both knew they would have a special relationship.  Indra was the first one out of everybody who knew about Clarke’s feelings for Lexa, apparently before even Clarke figured it out.  They had a distinct bond after that, Indra being the person that Clarke knew she could trust with anything she couldn’t trust to anyone else.

Indra sighed, sitting up on her sofa once more.  She had thought that their relationship had been unbreakable, that the blonde wouldn’t have just disappeared from her life with no warning.  She had thought that, at the very least, Clarke would have stayed in touch with her.

The Sergeant was brought out of her musings by a knock at her door.  She flashed back to the first time Clarke knocked on her door once again, but quickly shook the memory from her head. 

Indra could hardly recognize the person standing in front of her door.  It was Clarke, there was no doubt in that, but it wasn’t a Clarke that Indra had seen in a long time.  The Clarke on her doorstep was a replica of the Clarke that had first shown up at Indra’s, telling tales of horrors no one could ever imagine living. 

She ushered the medical intern into her apartment and made to grab drinks from the fridge.  Noticing the way Clarke stood in the middle of the living room, taking stock of her surroundings, the older woman realized that this was Clarke’s first time at her new home.  Indra used to live in the home provided to them by the military, a provision for families of fallen soldiers.  When Lincoln made it into the police academy, she asked if they could downsize to apartments as opposed to a big home for just the two of them.  They were more than happy to save the money.

Indra allowed the girl some time to look around and get familiarized with the area before meeting her in the room.  She placed the Sprite bottles on the table at the end of the sofa and took a seat in the middle.  Clarke had always enjoyed that corner seat everywhere they went, and it seemed as though that hadn’t changed at all. 

They sat like that for a few moments, silent and reminiscing, thinking about but wanting to ignore the elephant in the room – the fact that they were essential strangers at this point. 

Clarke couldn’t help but think about it.  She was meeting with all of these people and spending time with them again; these people that she once used to live with, but knew nothing about anymore.  Sure, the core parts of people rarely changed, the little nuances that were really a big part of who they were, but the whole crew was essentially strangers to Clarke at this point.  She didn’t know their schedules and they didn’t know hers; she didn’t know what they did on holidays anymore and they didn’t know that she took double shifts to not have to be alone; they didn’t know the little things about each other anymore and it was a hard concept to comprehend. 

Clarke decided to start the conversation, “I know it’s late, but congratulations on making Sergeant.  You’re the youngest one in the history of your precinct, right?”

Indra looked over at the medical intern’s face, hearing the waiver and uncertainty in her voice, and nodded the affirmative.

Neither of them really knew what to say after that, and they reverted back to silence.  That had always been there thing.  They would sit in silence until one of them could figure out what to say.  Indra never wanted to push Clarke, and Clarke cherished the time to be able to filter through her thoughts and transform them into something coherent.

At this moment, though, Indra was hurt.  She didn’t know if she would have the self-control to keep calm.  After everything that had happened between the two of them, to find that the young blonde had kept in touch with Anya and not her caused her a kind of pain that she didn’t quite understand.

“It’s been five years, Clarke.  Five years with no contact, no indication that things were okay.  You sent me birthday cards, that was it.  That’s nothing, Clarke.  Why?  You stayed in touch with Anya; that wasn’t a problem for you.  What was wrong with the rest of us?”

She hadn’t meant for it to be a rapid fire interrogation of sorts, but once she got started she couldn’t stop.  Everything that had been swirling around in her head came pouring out of her once she released the lid.  The dark woman had been burning with questions since Anya had shown up at her doorstep and she couldn’t contain in anymore.

Clarke stayed calm.  She had prepared herself for the onslaught of questions beforehand and she was able to keep a cool head while Indra finally released her tension.  Her inhaler was sitting in her pocket, just in case, but she felt as though she could manage this conversation.  The blonde knew that, no matter what, Indra wouldn’t completely lose her mind during this conversation or confrontation, whatever you wanted to call it.  She had always been able to rely on Indra for remaining in her wits.

“That’s a lot of questions, Sergeant.  Ask whatever you want and I will try and answer in order.”

The Clarke sitting in front of Indra was not the same Clarke from a few years ago.  Indra had known a much quieter, meeker, she seemed more afraid.  Sitting in front of her was a person that Indra wouldn’t have been able to recognize, had she not known it was the same Clarke.  The blonde was guarded, strong, hidden behind fortified walls that betrayed nothing.  There was barely any inflection behind her words as she spoke and her body language remained completely in control. 

“How could you just leave?  You just left and we barely got a phone call.  You just told us to go be with Lexa, that Lexa would need us, and that was it.  You gave us nothing else.”

Clarke sighed.  She knew this was going to be the first question – it always was.  “There was a lot that went down between myself and Lexa in the months leading up to that.  I’ve heard from Lincoln and Anya how much you all have heard about it, and you got a glimpse of it on the 20th that year.  Things were getting rocky from the start of school and Cage and Costia were just the final nudges that were needed to push us over the edge.”

“Look, I know why you left that night.  I know what happened between Lexa and Costia.  What I haven’t been able to understand is why didn’t you ever come back?  You didn’t try talking through it with Lexa and you didn’t try talking to us about it either.”

Clarke immediately flashed back to the memory of her conversation with Lexa that night.  She thought about the words her then-girlfriend had said – _“Just because you’re fucked up in the head doesn’t mean I’m going to do something to hurt you.  Not everyone is out to fuck with you.  God just get over it already.”_ – and had to take a moment to gather herself once again.  The medical intern took a deep breath through her nose and a sharp release through her mouth.  She took another moment to gather herself before resuming her explanation.

“Lexa didn’t tell you every detail, and that’s alright.  It’s not my business to tell, either.  What I can say, though, is that we did talk.  We discussed many things that night and we talked – or, rather, I spoke and she took it.  She didn’t say much and I really don’t know what was going through her mind during all of it.  What I do know, though, is that she had no problem with letting me walk out that door.”

Clarke got more animated as she continued, “What was I supposed to say to you all?  Did you really think that I was going to try and make you choose between me and Lexa?  I would never have tried to pit you against your sister.”

“Clarke, if you thought that we would ever let either of you make us choose between you two, you don’t know us at all.  You’re both our sisters, and we love both of you to no end.  There was no choice there.  We wanted both of you in our lives.”

The blonde gave an emotionless chuckle.  “You guys grew up together.  She and Anya are literally sisters.  You’ve been a family since you were little and no was in hell was I going to allow myself to get in the middle of that.”  She raised her hand to stop whatever interruption the darker woman was about to make, “And it may not have been a conscious choice that you would have had to make, and it might not have even been a problem for a while, but it would have eventually messed things up.  After a certain amount of time, you would have had to choose between whether you wanted to talk to me or to Lexa on a certain night; if you wanted to hang out with me or Lexa; if you were going to spend holidays with me or Lexa.  I wasn’t going to put you in that situation then, and I’m not going to do it now, either.”

“I swear to God, Clarke, if you think we’re going to let you out of our lives again you’re delusional.”

“Indra, your lives have been running just fine for so long.  You’ve all managed and you’re made beautiful relationships with wonderful people and you’re all settled in.  Look at how much turmoil I’ve caused just in the last eight months!”

Indra shook her head.  She had no idea how she was supposed to get it through to the haunted girl in front of her: they didn’t want to lose Clarke again.

“You know, you’re the one who used to say that people never change.  You believed that people’s ideals change, their behaviors can change, their beliefs can change, but the person themself will never change.  You said that a person and their personality are distinct entities and only one of them is elastic.  However, a person’s ticks, the little things about them don’t change, and that’s all because of the frontal lobe.  You’ve always been self-sacrificial, Clarke, and that’s one part of you that I don’t think will ever change.  You never put yourself first because you don’t see the worth in it.”  Indra turned to look at Clarke, making sure the medical intern felt her words, “You can’t just force yourself into isolation just because you think it’ll be easier for us.  Easier would have been Lincoln not looking through the obituaries in the newspaper every day for the last five years.  Easier would have been Anya not taking more responsibilities on base – which I’m not realizing was probably to avoid having to see us and keep such a big secret.  Easier would have been not having to worry about Lexa’s stability as her whole world was ripped out of her hands.” 

“That’s my point exactly!”  Clarke exclaimed.  “There was no need for you all to go through that.  Who knows what’s going to happen tonight or tomorrow or next week?  What is the point in getting attached again if it’s all going to be lost eventually anyways?”

There was a moment of silence then.  Neither of them really knew what to say next. 

Clarke started again, “Look.  I’m sorry for the way things went down.  I’m sorry that I put you all through that and I’m sorry I didn’t get in contact with any of you again.  I just – I don’t know if I would have been able to talk to all of you and not talk to her.” 

The young blonde finished in such a quiet voice that Indra almost would have missed it.  The Sergeant sighed and scooted closer to the girl, placing a single arm on her back between her shoulder-blades. 

“You really don’t have anything to apologize for, kiddo.  Nobody has actually blamed you for what happened back then.  I know I made it sound like you hurt us – which, I can’t deny that you leaving hurt – but we all understood why you left, even Lexa.  I also know that you’ve probably taken full responsibility onto your own head for whatever happened back then, but none of us blame you for it.  A lot of your problems then stemmed from Lexa’s mistakes, which were _not_ few and far between.”  She quickly stopped Clarke’s interruption, “You can try and protect her all you want, but if this were somebody else telling you a story about your relationship, you would agree with us.  We know what Lexa said to you that night, we know how she attacked you, and we know that she let you take the blame completely onto yourself.  Trust me, she got quite the earful from all of us for it.  I don’t know if any of us have truly forgiven her for it yet.  Sure, we understand that it was a tough situation for both of you, but nothing she said was justified.

“Clarke, she had no right to treat you the way she did.  She had no right to say the things she said to you about your history.  She had no right to have you comfort her the entire night and day without apologizing once, without stopping you from trying to apologize.  After what happened at your birthday, we all figured that something big was going to happen and Anya and I had already planned on having a big conversation with her after her test.  What she did, how she acted, and how she reacted to things that year were all so completely wrong.  I’m just sorry that we weren’t able to help the two of you out sooner.”

Clarke was relieved that she had come prepared for a heavy discussion.  She wasn’t sure she would have been able to handle hearing all of these things without having expected them.  There was a lot here that she wasn’t quite ready to think about just yet, but as she turned her head and looked into brown eyes she realized that she might actually have the support to think about it now. 

Indra could only imagine how much Clarke had been avoiding any and all thoughts about this stuff over the last many years and she was glad that they were finally able to discuss it.  She wanted nothing more than to be able to help this girl out.

“You and I had a very special bond, Clarke, and it hurt me to lose that.  I understand that you couldn’t have any reminders of Lexa and your life together while you were in so much pain yourself, but I’d hate to lose you again now.  Anya told me about what happened that night that she saw you again, she told me about your condition, and I want to be able to help you if I can.”

Brown eyes remained locked on brown eyes for a while, both of them staring intently at each other.  Eventually, Clarke offered the older woman a small smile and Indra returned it with a beaming smile of her own. 

“So, Hot-Shot, I see that you got the damn car finally!”

Clarke was happy that the conversation had left the more serious topics.  She grinned, remembering her car and the stories that came with it.  Her mom and dad had left her little homemade storybooks in random places in the car in the hopes that she would keep it and take good care of it.  Of course, they had no idea how her life would turn out so it had all been wishful thinking on their part, but still. 

“Yes, I did.  She’s a beauty and she runs like a charm.”

“How did you manage to get her in such good conditions?”

The medical intern faltered at that, questioning how far she should go with this.  She tread carefully, “She was in the shop for a while a few years ago, so I had some extra modifications made, just to stay on the safe side.”

Indra could immediately tell that there was more to the story.  She squinted her eyes slightly and kept a level gaze on the blonde, watching her expectantly. 

Clarke sighed, “There was an accident, a few weeks after I saw Anya again.  I was driving around, trying to find a place to stay, and a car rammed into the front side of my car.  Lilith, the car, was damaged pretty bad and she was in the shop for about a month.”

Brown eyes remained locked on her face. 

Clarke rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, “I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks.  That was when my TBI escalated and things got really bad.”

Indra just looked at the girl.  She sighed and dropped her head, “You know, Clarke, there was once a time where you would actually talk to me.  You used to tell me things on your own instead of giving me some plain bullshit with no information at all.  I don’t know what happened to you, Clarke, but I just want my little sister back.”

If Clarke hadn’t been keeping the tightest possible grip on her emotions, she would have started crying.  She had never heard Indra sound so small and hurt, and the fact that she herself had caused this made guilt flare up through her whole body. 

She took a deep breath and started telling the story.  “It was a few weeks after the fight at that bar, so my head was already sensitive.  I had been told to avoid any hits to the head, but that’s kind of difficult to do when you’re T-boned, you know?   I was out for a week, according to the doctors.  I went into a coma upon arrival, which the doctors thought was due to the plethora of injuries I had sustained in the crash.  When my brain waves started showing seizures and other abnormalities, my neurosurgeon decided to take more brain scans.  Apparently, I had a blood clot in my brain, that hit the same area that was affected in the fight.  The brain cells in the area went ischemic and don’t function properly under stress.  They kept me for another week after that and didn’t exactly like what they saw.

“When I woke up in the hospital, Anya was once again beside my bed and she told me that I either had to go and live with her for a while or she was going to call all of you.  I know that you wish you were called and that you would have waned to help and all that, but I didn’t want her to call you.”  Seeing the flash of hurt in Indra’s eyes, Clarke spoke up quickly, “It’s not that I didn’t want you guys around or that I didn’t want to see any of you – I had literally almost died; I wanted nothing more than to see you guys.  My life was over at that point, though.  I’m never going to be the same again and this thing dictates practically everything about my life.  There was no way in hell I was going to make any of you guys deal with that.”

Indra felt tears in her eyes for the first time in quite a while.  She was currently questioning whether or not it was a good thing that she asked for this story.  The sergeant quickly resolved that she would never regret finding this out. 

“Clarke, you are a part of our family.  Nothing, absolutely _nothing_ , about you could ever change that.  You may have had a new obstacle in your life, but we would never resent you.  In fact, I can guarantee you that we want to help you through that.”  Indra turned and grabbed Clarke’s hands in her own, bringing blue eyes back to her own.  The milky look in them reminded the darker woman about a raging storm, or swirling depths of the deepest ocean – yet unexplored and unknown to the masses, but the few that have ventured into their core know the wonders lurking around.  “You are still a part of our family.  You may have been gone for some time, but that doesn’t change anything for us.  And look! Our family has even grown since you were last with us.  Those two girls have never been so excited about a stranger since they met Lexa.  They talk about you every time we get together.  I can promise you, with 100% certainty, that you will be welcomed back into all of our lives without a second glance.”

Clarke studied the older woman’s face, for the first time in many years seriously considering what it would be like to be a part of her family again.  She had spent so much time on her own over the years, thinking about the family that she lost but never truly thinking that she would ever get them back, but now they were the ones asking for her to return.  They knew about her fuck-ups and they still wanted her back. 

Indra saw the small smile that crossed the younger blonde’s features and took that to be a good thing.  Tears added to the beauty of blue eyes as Indra looked into them, trying to get any reading she could, and the darker woman saw a new light in their depths.  In that moment, Indra felt like their family might actually be coming back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really just love the relationship between Clarke and Indra that I have in my head, but I don't think I was truly able to capture it in here. I hope it wasn't too bad, all the same. 
> 
> I've been thinking about doing a side one-shot about the conversation between Anya and Indra. I really like exploring the relationships between everyone else as much as I love writing Clarke (I did one for Octavia and Raven already). What do you guys think? I feel like the two of them would have a special bond because they're the oldest in the group by a few years. 
> 
> The next chapter that's going to come is my favourite and I'm already 7k words into it and it's not done yet but I'm so excited for it to come up holy shit! 
> 
> Thank you for your kudos and comments! Your feedback is so helpful and I love hearing any opinions or feedback that you guys may have. 
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	13. The Past Catches Up to Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke shows up at the girls' apartment in the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys here it is. This chapter is twice as long as the last one, and I still had to cut the original in half. I'll be posting the next part of this whenever I get internet again lol. 
> 
> It's heavy. I'm warning you now that this touches on a lot of different things and almost none of them are pleasant. It's going to get very very dark at some points, so please proceed with caution. Also, it's unedited because I wanted it up before I leave in the morning, so I do sincerely apologize for any mistakes to come.
> 
> All of the medical information in this chapter (and the last one, because I forgot to say it) is accurate. 
> 
> Over 3200 hits and 100 kudos! Guys you're all amazing and thank you so so much for reading!

The end of June was always a hard time for Lexa.  Raven and Octavia never knew exactly why; they were only told it was a painful anniversary.  She always got quiet and reserved during that time, spending more and more time cuddled in the living room with a cup of Sprite in the evenings. 

After the last 9 months, though, they assumed that it had something to do with her history with Clarke.  There had been a lot of things that Lexa had kept to herself that were now making sense to her two flatmates.  Clarke had been a major part of the law intern’s life and she had been cut out of it completely and totally in one go.  They understood the pain of losing a loved one, but they also acknowledged that the pain of not knowing what happened to a loved one is different than losing someone for good.

Raven walked into the apartment one night to find Lexa curled up on the love seat with Octavia sitting on the sofa.  The green-eyed brunette was curled into such a tight ball that, had it not been for her mane of hair peeking out from under the blanket, Raven wouldn’t have even known she was there.  She had covered herself with the blanket and seemed to be trying to make herself small enough to disappear.  Raven’s concern increased as she realized that it was working.

Octavia was sitting on the sofa, leaning against the arm with her legs spread across the rest of it.  She looked relaxed to anyone that didn’t know her, but Raven wasn’t one of those people.  Her neck was tense and her hand was tapping at her thigh.  Instead of looking at the TV that was playing some mindless show, her eyes were drifting back and forth from absently staring at the wall and watching Lexa on the sofa. 

Walking further into the apartment and dropping her bag by the door, Raven walked straight over to the sofa.  She picked up Octavia’s legs and placed them in her lap, resting her own braced leg on the table in front of them.  The movement managed to bring Octavia out of whatever thoughts were plaguing her and she smiled softly at the aero-mechanical engineer, leaning up to place a quick kiss on her cheek and scoot closer so they could sit together.  Raven wasn’t surprised when she got no acknowledgment from the closed off brunette on the love seat.

Lexa had become a rock for the two younger brunettes.  She had taken them under her wings and allowed them into her life wholeheartedly when she was still so raw and in so much pain.  They had helped each other heal in different ways, but Lexa had ended up being the Mama Bear of the group.  So whenever she was hurting, Raven and Octavia felt that pain as well.  Whatever it was about this time of the year that always caused Lexa to shut down was big enough that the two younger brunettes felt it too.  It became an annual time of hardcore self reflection and thinking about where they used to be.  Something about the three girls going through all of that alone yet together always seemed to make their relationship stronger and neither Raven nor Octavia had wanted to disrupt what they had going to ask about it.

This pattern continued for the week. Lexa would always be home from work when the other two got back; she would always be cuddled up under a blanket.  They would go and sit with her in silence, allowing her the space they knew she needed but the comfort of knowing they were close.  They had a balance between the three of them and they refused to let anything mess that up.

One Friday evening, the three brunettes were again sitting in the living room in companionable silence.  Octavia and Raven had brought food home from their favourite pizza place, with the obscure Root Beer flavors, and all three of them ate comfortably.  Lexa was getting gradually more tense as the days past and they knew that there was some sort of anniversary coming up.  Neither of the younger brunettes knew exactly what the day was, but they were more than happy to help their best friend out in whatever way they could.

Lexa stayed curled up on the sofa, silently appreciating everything her flatmates were doing for her.  She hated being like this, she hated getting so pitiable whenever this time of the year rolled around, but she couldn’t help it.  The first two years that they had been living together she had tried everything in her power not to let it consume her, but Raven and Octavia had gone above and beyond to help her with what little pain she did show.  After the second year, though, she allowed herself these two weeks to wallow. 

Clarke’s birthday was coming up.  So was the anniversary of the date she had left Lexa.  It was a painful time for the brunette before because there had been no resolution in how things had ended.  Everything had fallen to shit and then Clarke was just gone.  The law intern held an incredible amount of guilt in her whenever the blonde’s birthday rolled around because she had been with Costia on the last birthday they could have spent together.  Clarke had told her at the time that she understood why they couldn’t spend the day or evening or night together, considering they had both had their exams coming up they wouldn’t have been able to do much anyways.  Lexa knew, though, that she hadn’t been studying that night.  She had been hanging out with her other friends and just relaxing.  Clarke had made them dinner that night as well and the table was all set up in a romantic way when Lexa woke up in the morning.  This time of the year brought everything that she had done wrong to the front of Lexa’s mind. 

The difference this time around, though, was something Lexa never thought she would have been able to go through.  Clarke was (somewhat) back in her life and Lexa was actually aware of where she was for this birthday, but the law intern had absolutely no idea if she would be able to do anything for her.  On one hand she wanted to contact the medical intern and inquire about her plans for the night, but at the same time she was afraid.  Lexa wasn’t ready to spend a day like that with her ex-girlfriend alone, but she didn’t know if the blonde would want Raven and Octavia to know what the day was.

Thinking about her two flatmates again, the brunette trailed her green eyes to where the two younger brunettes were sitting cuddled on the sofa.  They were ignoring whatever show was on the TV and talking in whispers.  From where they were positioned they wouldn’t have been able to see her movements, but she was more than able to see them.  Her heart filled with warmth as she watched them together.  They had all three of them been through so much in their relatively short lives, but the two girls that lived with her were two of the most beautiful personalities she had ever met.  They had taken every wrench thrown into their lives in the last ten months in complete stride, never once blinking an eye as Lexa’s past life started sticking its foot back into their current lives. 

Raven and Octavia pulled their heads away from each other, pulled out of their quiet conversation when they felt a dip on the sofa.  Their heads shot to Raven’s left side to see a head of brown hair peeking over her shoulder.  Raven turned her body away from Octavia to open herself to Lexa as well, concerned but excited to see her on the sofa with them.  Neither of them had noticed the brunette moving and were pleasantly surprised to finally see her coming out of her nest.

Lexa sat and looked at the two brunettes next to her for a second, more than aware that there were a plethora of different thoughts going through their heads.  She didn’t really know what she was going to do, or if she was going to say anything to them.  She had no idea what she had intended to do by moving to the sofa, so she sat there and just looked at her two flatmates.  Eventually, she decided not to do anything.  She pulled the blanket back around her shoulders and put her head on Raven’s shoulder, curling herself back into a ball and retreating back into her head.

Both Octavia and Raven were surprised to see Lexa suddenly curl up against Raven.  The law intern was very rarely one to initiate that kind of intimate contact and when she did, she was almost always the one comforting one of the younger girls.  Seeing her cuddle into Raven warmed both of their hearts, more than happy to see her opening up and reaching out to them. 

The three brunettes stayed like that for the rest of the evening, ignoring whatever mindless shows were playing on the TV and just sitting with each other.  Lexa eventually fell asleep there with her head on Raven’s lap and the mechanic’s hands running through her hair.  Octavia stayed cuddled up against the braced brunette as well, more than content to just sit there with two of the most important people in her life. 

Octavia and Raven eventually pulled themselves off the sofa, leaving Lexa where she was, and got ready for bed.  When they were done with their own respective routines, they went back out into the living room to get the older brunette to go to her own room.  The sight that greeted them, though, prevented them from being able to wake the slumbering girl at all.  Lexa had curled herself around a pillow, facing the back of the sofa, with her legs dangling off the arm.  She looked like a fish that had flopped down onto it and stayed there, and the peaceful look on her face was enough to stop her two flatmates from waking her up.  It was rare that they got to see Lexa sleeping peacefully around this time of year and they didn’t want to disrupt it if they could avoid it.

Raven and Octavia both got up early the next morning, ready to go to the gym.  They always went together in order to make things simpler for Raven.  Lexa was still sleeping on the sofa when they got back to the apartment, exhausted from everything that had been going through her head the last few weeks.  The two younger brunettes showered and started on their breakfast before their slumbering flatmate woke up.  Their faces broke out in fond smiles when they noticed her head pop up over the back of the sofa. 

Lexa peeked over the back of the sofa.  She knew it would be a comical sight from the other end with her hair all over the place and barely being able to see anything but her eyes.  She watched them look at her and let a laugh bounce out of her chest when they both jumped out of their seats and ran towards the sofa.  Octavia jumped over the back of the sofa and landed on the green-eyed brunette while Raven made her way around and jumped on the duo already wrestling around. Their laughter made its way around the apartment, echoing against the walls and bringing life back. 

They eventually pulled off of each other, small laughs still breaking out of their mouths as they tried to catch their breath.  Lexa stood up from the sofa, stretching her arms above her head and groaning as her muscles finally stretched.  Spending the night on the sofa wasn’t necessarily the best of ideas, but she was glad that they had invested in a sofa that wasn’t absolutely miserable to fall asleep on.

The three flatmates went about their morning routines comfortably since none of them had work that weekend.  It was rare that their schedules matched up like that, but Lexa was still on edge about the date.  They decided to spend the day in the apartment eating ice cream and watching Dexter (it was embarrassing that they were still only in the beginning of season 7 but, I mean, they’ve been busy!). Raven and Octavia managed to convince Lexa to walk to the grocery store down the street from their apartment complex with them so they would all have a say in which ice creams they would be getting. 

They bought their snacks for the night (which ended up being a lot more than just a tub of ice cream) and headed back home.  They got changed back into their night clothes before getting comfortable in the living room.  It was a fun afternoon, full of jokes and laughter between the three best friends.  The later into the day they got, though, Lexa got more and more tense. 

As the day faded away and the colorful hues of the evening sky came through their windows, Lexa receded back into her shell.  By nightfall, she had ended up curled up under her blanket again.  Every time Raven or Octavia looked over at the green-eyed brunette, they saw her looking off at nothing, eyes wide and unfocused.  At one point, Octavia looked over to see tears in green eyes, ready to follow the salty drops already snaking rivers down the law intern’s face.  She quickly reached forward and turned off the TV, ignoring Raven’s confused cry of protest before turning over to look at Lexa.  Once Raven saw what was going on, she quickly quieted down as well.

Octavia scooted over on the sofa, reaching her hand out slowly to cup the crying brunette’s face.  Lexa didn’t even acknowledge that Octavia was touching her as she slowly wiped away the tears.  Eventually, Octavia guided her friend’s face up to look at her and Octavia gave her a sad smile when they finally made eye contact. 

Lexa’s eyes were wide and unfocused as they met Octavia’s, but as soon as soon green eyes locked with blue the tears started coming harder.  Lexa couldn’t help it.  Those blue eyes were too much like the ones that were currently haunting her every thought.  Octavia’s eyes still had an innocence to them; despite everything she had been through, the younger brunette had managed to remain as kind, childlike, and open as possible.  She hadn’t let life tear her down and she had persevered in remaining as true to herself as she could.  Clarke had had that same look in her eyes five years ago.  Those blue eyes had been haunted and dull when they first met but, after a few years, the color had made its way back into them and they quickly became the most vibrant color Lexa had seen in her life.  Thinking about her eyes now tore the breath from Lexa’s lungs.  Those eyes that had once held every bit of Lexa’s heart in them were back to that guarded, dead, lifeless color.  Clarke had reverted back to being a person of survival, thinking of nothing but how she was going to live to see the next day. 

Before she could get too deep in her thoughts, Octavia pulled the crying brunette into her arms, cradling her against her chest.  They sat like that for some time before Lexa eventually pulled back, rubbing her face and taking shaky breaths.  She sat up and gave Octavia a shy smile, quickly leaning forward to press a kiss to her cheek.  Octavia gave the girl a broad smile, happy to see her in a better mood. 

Raven had been sitting next to them, silently watching her two best friends.  When green eyes looked her way, she grinned wide and winked.  Lexa barked out a choked laugh, throat full of nastiness from crying so hard.  It spurred the other two brunettes into laughing along with her and, soon, all three of them were laughing with each other. 

The three best friends calmed down eventually, a comfortable silence falling over all of them.  Lexa settled against Octavia, comforted to feel the happy vibe the blue-eyed brunette gave off.  Raven sat on the opposite side of Octavia, their legs touching each other comfortable but not too intimately.  They sat like that for a few minutes, each of them reminiscing about the ways things had changed in their lives over the last few months. 

The thing plaguing Octavia’s mind the most was that Lexa had almost never cuddled up to her before.  They had been sitting on this couch for almost four years now and she could count on one hand the number of times Lexa had been in this position with her.  Lexa had always been the one offering them comfort, always taking care of them and making sure they were okay.  As much as she appreciated the opportunity to offer her some comfort back, she wanted to make sure the older girl was okay.

“How are you feeling, love?”

Lexa let out a deep sigh at the quiet question.  She didn’t say anything, but she pushed herself up so she was facing the two girls next to her. She watched them both carefully as they looked back at her.  They stayed like that for a few minutes before the green-eyed law intern offered them a small smile. 

Raven spoke up this time, “What’s going on, Lexa?”

Lexa looked between the two younger brunettes looking back at her so intently and carefully.  She sighed, “Clarke’s birthday is the day after tomorrow.”

The two younger brunettes hummed in acknowledgement, knowing what a day like that could mean for their best friend.  Before they could say anything, though, she continued, “And next weekend is five years to the day that she left me.”

Neither of them knew what to say to that.  Lexa hadn’t mentioned anything about the two dates being so close together when she had told them their story.  Both of them could work out, though, that if the two dates were so close together, something must have gone wrong at Clarke’s birthday five years ago.

Octavia leaned forward again and placed a hand on Lexa’s knee and green eyes flicked over to meet blue.  The pain and guilt swirling in the depths of the older brunette’s forest-like eyes caused a throb to pulse through Octavia’s chest and she offered the law intern a sympathetic smile.  Lexa gave her a watery smile back, tight-lipped and terse, communicating gratitude but no actual contentment.

Knowing her two flatmates would be curious but too respectful to actually ask the question, she started explaining (she refused to believe it had anything to do with the fact that she actually wanted to talk to them about it), “Her birthday was on a Monday that year too and my exam was on the following Saturday.  She told me that she didn’t want to do anything too big for her birthday that night so I could focus on last minute studying.  I jumped at the opportunity not to have to plan a big birthday thing, and I hated myself for it.  We always did something special for our birthdays.  She didn’t like celebrating her birthday because she hadn’t had a positive birthday experience since before her mom died, so we always did something small but special for her.  That year, though, things were different.  We were going through so many things in our relationship and we both had so much going on in school.  My exam was that Saturday and her MCAT was the following Thursday.  We both agreed to hold off on celebrations that year and we could go all out after she was done with her test.”

Lexa took a deep breath, burrowing into herself even further before continuing, “Even though she suggested it, I knew what a big deal her birthday was for her.  Her step-father and her foster families liked to make her life a special hell on that day.  Every year that we were together for her birthday, she would be plagued with nightmares and a kind of mental agony that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. None of that changed on that last birthday, although it was different.  That year, for the first time in the four years we had been together, I couldn’t handle it.  I told her that I had to study for my exam that night and I wouldn’t be able to spend her birthday with her, but that I was excited to be able to go out the following weekend. 

“Except that I didn’t study that night.  I was supposed to be working with Costia, but I ended up going out with her, Ryder, Titus, and some of their other friends.  I had started having fun drinking with them after we started hanging out more and I took full advantage of it.  Clarke wasn’t a fan of drinking and I knew Anya and Indra tried to avoid drinking in excess as well so the next weekend’s celebrations would be relatively sober.  I went all out that night and got pretty wasted.  I don’t remember much of what happened on that night.  According to what Anya and Indra told me I came stumbling back into our apartment around 2:30 in the morning, singing some shitty song from the club and stumbling all over the place.  They were both in the apartment that night helping Clarke deal with the terrors that were running through her mind.  I can never get over the fact that while I was out partying with my _new friends_ , my family was at my house taking care of my girlfriend and talking her down from the proverbial ledge.

“Anya said that Clarke jumped up as soon as I banged the door open and started taking care of me.  They didn’t have to tell me how painful it was for her to see me drunk and partied out after lying to avoid her on her birthday.  The woman I love was catatonic at home, terrorized by the demons I’d sworn to protect her from, and I was out partying because I didn’t want to have to deal with it.  She took care of me that night and the next day, all the while convincing Anya and Indra to either leave me alone or help me deal with whatever I was going through.”

Lexa quickly wiped at the tears that had made their way down her cheeks during her story.  She looked at the love seat that had been her residence for the last couple of weeks, remembering everything that had been going through her head, “I did so many things wrong during that time, and I can’t forgive myself for any of it.  It’s been five years and, with every year that goes by, her birthday gets more and more painful because I completely squandered my last days with her.  I used her birthday as a weapon against her, just like her ex-foster families did, and it drove her away.  I swore to do everything in my power to make sure she never felt that kind of pain again and I completely threw it away.”

Octavia and Raven watched their best friend as she receded into herself again, burying her face in her knees to gather her tears in between them.  Octavia noted that Lexa hadn’t let go of her hand throughout the entire retelling of the story, instead gripping it harder and harder as each minute passed by.  She used that grip to pull herself closer to the older brunette and bringing her into her side.  Lexa turned her head to bury it into Octavia’s neck, shuddering out shaky breaths.  The psych major ran a soothing hand up and down the law intern’s back, whispering kisses into her hair and doing her best to calm the distraught girl down.

Neither Raven nor Octavia really knew what to do.  The Lexa from the story was absolutely nothing like the Lexa that they knew.  Had anyone else been telling them that story, the two brunettes would have laughed in their faces and said it was impossible.  Both of them knew what emotional turmoil mixed with alcohol did to people’s minds, though, and that the most unlikely people could do the most unpredictable things. 

Raven spoke up after a few minutes, breaking the silence, “How do you think she would feel about us doing something for her birthday this year?”

Lexa lifted her head from Octavia’s shoulder and gave her a shy, watery smile.  The returning grin allowed her to release some of the tension from her shoulder and she turned her attention to the braced brunette who had just spoken.  “I honestly have no idea.”

Octavia and Raven were both aware of the weight those words had, considering Lexa knew very little about the woman she once used to live with.  They tried to keep her calm and talking, keeping her mind occupied from the self-destructive thoughts.  As much as they wanted to convince Lexa that none of what happened was her fault, they knew that it wouldn’t be easily accepted.  They resolved to talk about it between the two of them and then discuss it with Anya, Indra, or Lincoln later.  From the bond that Indra and Clarke seemed to have, they thought that the older soldier might be more helpful in this situation.

They spent that night on the sofa again, comfortable and cuddled together.  They woke up Sunday morning and decided to forgo their usual gym routine.  It seemed like Lexa could use the break and they wanted to have a little more lazy-time before having to get ready for work. 

After their breakfast was over and the kitchen was (relatively) clean they all started about their work.  Lexa had a lot of cases to go over and a lot of reading to do for each of them.  The doctor that Octavia was shadowing had her looking into the symptoms of a few different conditions, trying to help her get some practical application experience with the different terms she was learning.  Raven was working on one of her newest projects, excited to finally have time to do what she wanted outside of work.

They all got together on the couch again that night, determined to spend as much time together as possible.  Now that Raven and Octavia knew the significance of the days and what they all meant to their ever steady best friend, they were determined to keep her as comfortable as possible.  The three of them spent hours cuddled together, catching up on shows (bitching about the finale of Dexter because WHAT THE FUCK?!?!) and talking about everything and nothing.

Lexa got particularly somber around midnight, and her mood stayed rather dull.  Raven and Octavia kept trying to lift her spirits again, but she seemed set.  They didn’t want to push her too far too fast so they didn’t put too much effort into it, but it hurt both of them to see her in so much pain.  They just wanted to be able to help her.

Around one-thirty in the morning, Octavia decided to get up and grab them all something to drink.  As she was pushing herself up from where she was pressed against Raven’s side, they heard the elevator ding out in the hallway.  It was odd to be hearing people come and go at such a time on a Monday morning, but they didn’t pay it much mind.

When Octavia made it into the kitchen, they could hear scuffling in the hallway and what sounded like a muffled voice talking to no one.  Whatever the voice was saying sounded like drunken mumblings and they were starting to get concerned about who was in their hallway.  The athletic brunette was making her way back to the sofas when they all heard a loud thump against the front door.

Octavia froze where she was, debating whether or not to go see who was at the door.  The decision was made for her, however, when she heard a small voice call through the door: “Lexie?”

Octavia quickly put the drinks in her hand down on the table and rushed to the front door.  As she pulled the door open, the figure using it for support fell forward and into Octavia’s arms.  A blonde head of hair collided with her chin and the brunette felt herself stumble back with the unexpected force of the body.  They both fell to the floor, the blonde landing on top of Octavia with a grunt and whimper.

“Clarke!”

Two voices echoed each other from the sofa, both of its occupants getting up to run to the two girls by the door.  Lexa reached Clarke first and placed a hand on her shoulder to gently try and guide her up.  The poor girl trembled under the touch, though, and she curled herself into a ball with completely uncharacteristic whimpers.  Raven went to help Octavia up, and all three of them stayed on the ground near Clarke.

Clarke eventually became aware of her surroundings, noticing the concerned faces looking down at her.  Recognizing all three of them, a lazy grin made its way across her face and giggles burst through her lips. 

Lexa, Octavia, and Raven grew more and more concerned with each passing second.  Clarke seemed completely out of touch with everything, and they would all bet everything they had that the medical student was drunk off her ass. 

They eventually got her up and onto the sofa, sitting on one side with Raven and Octavia on the other.  Lexa sat in her love seat.  Looking at the blonde sitting with them they all noticed that she seemed to be in pretty bad shape.  She had bruises on her face, a split lip, a cut on her forehead, and bruises on her neck.  Her sleeves were pulled all the way down, but they could all imagine what was done to the rest of her body.  She looked disturbingly like she had the first night she reappeared in their lives.  None of them really wanted to think about what could have happened to bring her to their door in the middle of the night and looking like she had just fought three football players by herself again.

They sat like that for some time, simply observing as Clarke looked around the room with complete awe written across her features.  The moment was broken when she spoke, “Guys it looks like someone lives here.”

Raven was the first to speak up, “Yea it does, Clarke.  That’s because we live here.”

If the circumstances had been different they all would have cracked up at the comical look of astonishment that crossed Clarke’s face.  With a gasp and wide eyes, she said, “You live here?  Like, in a home?”

“We sure do, kid.  We’ve lived here for almost five years now.”

The blonde’s features dropped at that.  “Five years is a long time.”

The words came out as a whisper, but everyone heard them loud and clear.

Raven spoke up again, “Clarke, how did you get here?  Where were you tonight?  Please say you didn’t drive yourself here.”

“I was in Pasadena tonight.  I didn’t drive here, I promise.” 

The proud smile on the blonde’s face almost caused Raven to miss what was said.  She caught it, however, and couldn’t help her following outburst: “Wait you walked all the way here from Pasadena!? Clarke, that’s easily a 9 mile walk!”  The smile quickly left Clarke’s face and the medical student looked down at the floor.  Raven sighed and lowered her voice, “I’m sorry, Clarke, I didn’t mean to yell at you.  It is pretty crazy that you walked that whole way here, though – especially in the middle of the night like this.  You should really be more careful, kid.”

The medical student just nodded, keeping her head facing the floor.

Octavia was the next one to break the silence.  “Clarke, how’re you feeling right now?”

Clarke turned her gaze to look into blue eyes.  With a straight face she said, “I don’t like alcohol,” and then split her face with a lazy grin.

“Why’d you drink it then?  You shouldn’t do the things you don’t like.”  The psych major felt like Clarke would be offended if she knew Octavia was talking to her as if she were a child, but it didn’t seem like drunk-Clarke cared much about being treated like an adult.

“He made me work tonight.  And I really wanted some food.”

The clipped answer confused all of them.  It didn’t make any sense, and they couldn’t understand what to make of it.  Raven decided to ask her, “Who made you work?”

“Thelonious.”

A sharp intake of breath brought all of their attention to Lexa.  Clarke looked over at her curiously, cocking her head to the side and studying the law student before turning her head back to the two girls on the sofa with her. 

“What kind of job does he make you do?”

“He’s a big man.  He knows lots of people and they always want something.  He always keeps a special client reserved for tonight.”

A chill ran down all three brunettes’ spines.  After a few moments Octavia asked the question that the others wanted to avoid, “What do you mean by special client?”

Clarke took a deep breath and fisted something in her pocket.  They assumed it was her inhaler and Raven was about to suggest she use it when Clarke started talking.  “Jaha’s gift to me is always a guy.  If I do whatever he wants and he gives Jaha a good review, then he gets me a motel room for the night.  If it’s a really good review, then he’ll give me a motel with food.”

Her response was met with silence.  None of them could come up with a single thing to say to that.  Clarke seemed too content with these condition for any of them to know what to say about any of it.

Lexa had feared that she had trouble on her birthday every year, but she never expected it to be like this.  The man had always been absolutely brutal when she was living in his house, but none of them had ever thought it could have gotten worse.  Seeing the effects their breakup had had on her ex more and more, Lexa couldn’t stop the tears from building in her eyes or the giant lump in the back of her throat, and she couldn’t say a word without a sob threatening to break through.

Raven’s head was spinning a mile a minute.  She was flashing back to all of the guys that her mother would bring home.  She remembered the time Lenore tried to sell her to a man for drugs.  The pain she felt at those memories was almost unbearable, and it broke her heart that Clarke’s memories must have been so much worse.

Octavia knew plenty about Thelonious Jaha and the kind of house that he kept.  All of the kids in the foster system knew about that house and prayed for the good fortune to never be placed there.  If Clarke had been there when they were younger and was willing to go back to a house like that, her situation must have been far more dire than they every imagined. 

Before she could think about it, Octavia blurted out, “Why did you come here?  If Jaha is supposed to get you a room and food, how did you end up here?”

Clarke faced the younger brunette with a slightly incredulous look.  “That’s only if I do a good job.  If someone’s not happy, they don’t say nice things to Jaha.”

Now genuinely curious, Raven asked, “Why wouldn’t they say nice things?  What do you have to do for it to be a ‘good job’?”

The moment the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them.  Looking at the girl and remembering what Anya had said about the work this particular foster father did, Raven had a feeling she knew exactly where this was going to go. 

Clarke bristled up and tried her very best not to remember what had happened to her that night.  Alcohol was nobody’s friend, though, and she couldn’t control her mind enough to get away from the memories.  Before she could stop herself, she started speaking.  “The guy tonight just really liked fighting.  He liked drunk hitting and drunk fighting.  I didn’t fight the way he wanted me to and he wasn’t happy with it.  I kind of sort of hit him in the middle of it and ran out of the room, too.”  She giggled behind her hands, looking more innocent with the horrific memories than either Octavia or Raven had seen her yet.  On a roll, Clarke kept talking: “He brought somebody else in too, but I didn’t want to do anything with her.  He got mad and started to choke me while he finished whatever he was doing, but it didn’t feel good to me.”

All three of them had tears in their eyes at that point.  Raven and Octavia could feel their blood boiling, burning in their ears and causing them to clench their fists.  Lexa felt her heart shatter more than she would have ever thought possible.  None of them had never imagined that they would hear someone they cared about talk so nonchalantly about something so monstrous, and an emotional pain radiated through each of their bodies. 

Raven didn’t want her newest friend to feel uncomfortable so she tried to keep the conversation going.  She couldn’t speak around the lump in her throat, though, and it took her a moment before she could actually get the words out.  “Clarke, I’m- I’m- I’m sorry, but I thought you were bisexual.  Why did you have a problem with a woman walking into the room?”

The drunk blonde started giggling again, fuelled even further by the fatigue beginning to set it.  “Silly, Rabbit.  I didn’t mind the girl walking in.  She was actually really pretty, I gotta say.  No.  I just don’t want to be with a girl again.” 

“Why not?”

It was a simple enough question, but it seemed that Clarke had to seriously think about the answer.  “I think that, when you’re in love with somebody, you can’t get with anyone else.  I couldn’t do anything with the pretty lady.  I don’t want to do anything with any other lady.”

Octavia spoke up then.  “Are you saying you’re in love with somebody?”

"Yea, Octagon, I am."

The goofy grin that appeared on Clarke’s face then was unlike anything they had ever seen.  Raven and Octavia had never seen such raw emotion on the other girl’s face before and it took their breath away.  Clarke had the kind of smile that could render anybody speechless.

Lexa feared she knew where this was going to go and did her best to prepare for what she was about to hear.   

Clarke’s mind took her back to the best part of her life.  She looked off into the distance, remembering things she wouldn’t ever allow herself to think about when sober.  Without even thinking about it, she started speaking, “Her eyes were green.  They’re the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen.  If there was a shade of green in the sunset, it would be the color of her eyes.  They make me think of the soul of the Earth – steadfast, strong, grounded, pure.  Her eyes were magical.

“It’s not only the color, though.  She didn’t like too many words all the time, but her eyes never stopped talking to me.  The expressions on her face could speak louder than she ever could.  The way her eyebrows moved and changed with each expression, the slight crinkle of her nose when she was irritated, the tendons and veins that would stick out of her neck when she got angry.  Everything about her expressions were beautiful.

“She was careful, too.  The way she touched me made me feel like she actually cared about me.  Her touch was so gentle and delicate, like she loved me too.  I could have believed it.  I was too much, though, and I couldn’t keep her.”

Clarke gave a chuckle and lazily turned her head to look at the brunette in the love seat.  Up until this point, Lexa had been completely silent.  She didn’t think she would be capable of saying anything with Clarke reminiscing like this.  She definitely wasn’t wrong.  Lexa had tears streaming down her face, choked sobs forcing their way out of her mouth.  She received a sad smile from the blonde on the sofa and another sob tore through her chest.

“You remind me of her.  Your faces are the same and your voices are the same, but you’re not.  My Lexa was a lot happier than you are and your eyes are different.  Your eyes are still pretty, but they don’t say the same things my Lexa’s did.  My Lexa always had a smile in her eyes and they would always make me happy.  You seem as sad as I am.”

Clarke looked back into the distance, oblivious to the three crying girls around her.  “My Lexa was everything I had then.  She keeps me alive.  I just want to be alive long enough to tell her that I love her one more time before I leave for good.  I want to, I really want to just go, but I want to talk to my Lexa again. 

“She has someone, though.  My Lexa always liked Costia.  They work together now.  I don’t know if they’re an item, but they spend time together.  My Lexa could do much better than Costia.  She took advantage of my Lexa when she was drunk one time.  I want to hit her.  I want to hit Costia on the head with a frying pan.”

Octavia choked out a laugh.  She wiped at her tears and said, “With a frying pan?”

Wide-eyed, Clarke nodded vigorously.  “It worked for Tangled in Rapunzel.”

If the situation wasn’t what it was, the three brunettes would have laughed.  As well-spoken as drunk-Clarke was, she wasn’t quite as put together as usual.  None of them could bring themselves to let go of the severity of the situation though.

Clarke continued, oblivious to the shattering hearts around her.  “My Lexa never liked violence.  I don’t want to make her sad.  My Lexa should never be sad.  She’s the only good thing that ever happened to me.  I don’t know if she knows how many times she saved my life.”  Clarke looked at the two brunettes on the sofa next to her, their hands clasped tightly together, deriving any sliver of comfort from each other that they possibly could.  “I wanted to die.  The day she walked into that bathroom, I wanted nothing more than to finally be able to die.  She wouldn’t let me though.  It was her eyes.  Her eyes were so beautiful and I just wanted to see them one more time before I ended everything.  And then she showed up at the classroom the next day and she actually talked to me and I decided that she was worth staying alive for.  It happened like that so many times while we were together.  When things were getting really bad, all she had to do was look at me and I would find the will to stay alive a little longer.  Anya said I would be able to see her eyes again soon.  That’s the only reason I’m still here.” 

Clarke released a reminiscent sigh, her head lolling over to look at the brunette sobbing on the love seat.  The blonde’s face scrunched up, curiosity getting the better of her, and she pushed herself up and off the sofa.  The drunk blonde stumbled over to the love seat and squatted down in front of it.  She looked up at the brunette sitting above her, green eyes screwed shut and her head turned away from Clarke. 

Slowly, careful and curious, Clarke raised her two hands and placed them gently on Lexa’s face.  The law intern couldn’t hold back the shattering sob that tore out of her chest at the contact.  She had never imagined that she would be this close to Clarke again, but here she was, and it was nothing like she wanted it to be. 

Clarke’s hand cupped the older brunette’s cheeks, thumbs brushing gently over raised cheekbones made wet by the hot tears currently scouring rivers down her face.  The medical intern could feel the tears gathering along the pads of her thumbs and felt a smile creep across her face.  She recognized this face. 

Lexa slowly turned to look at the face in front of her.  Piercing blue eyes were staring directly into her own, and more tears made their way up and out of her eyes.  Clarke had such a look of complete and utter adoration, a smile on her face and eyes open, looking directly into her own.  Lexa knew that Clarke wasn’t wrong – she had been the only person who could ever just know what Lexa was thinking by looking into her eyes.  She had no idea what the blue-eyed girl could possibly be reading in her eyes now that was putting such a smile on her face.

The next words out of Clarke’s mouth caused another sob to fall out of Lexa’s mouth: “You’re her.”

Clarke couldn’t believe it.  She had finally found her.  After all of these years, after all this time that she had spent trying to stay away from this girl who had an intense hold on every bit of her, Clarke stumbled into her apartment unknowingly.  The last thing she usually wanted to do when she was drunk was go looking for Lexa.  The thought of ever getting to see Lexa again was usually the only thing that kept Clarke alive through her forced drunk nights.  Something must have changed.

That train of thought would have to wait, though.  Her Lexa was right in front of her now.  Her Lexa, who looked as beautiful as ever.  Her Lexa, who looked like she was in so much pain.  Clarke couldn’t stop the smile from growing on her face or the tears from building in her eyes.  They were so close. 

She rubbed her thumb over the girl’s cheekbone again, before slowly moving her hand.  She moved her fingers up to her forehead, trailing them down her face, over her eyelids, down her cheeks, and finally resting on her lips.  She could feel every little indent and blemish on her Lexa’s face, every little thing that made her absolutely perfect.

Clarke never thought she would get to be this close to the other girl again.  She could see the single hair that always stood up and away from the rest of the hairs on her right eyebrow.  She could see the smallest curve of her lip, turning down now where it used to turn up.  She could see the slight freckle on the older girl’s upper lip.  She could see the shadow in the crevice just under her Lexa’s nose, connecting to her upper lip.  She could see every line in those full lips – the lips that brought so many memories back.

Clarke lost her breath like she was punched in the gut.  Those memories of their time together, the time she spent getting to know her Lexa’s lips, knocked the wind right out of her.  Blue eyes shot up to meet green eyes, and it absolutely did not help her gain her breath back. 

From this close, she could see the flecks of gold and brown scattered through her iris, adding layers to the green.  She could see the way her pupils were dilated, obviously feeling the effects of their proximity as much as Clarke was.  Her Lexa’s eyes were much dimmer than they used to be, but more prominent as well.  She could see the amplification of color, warped behind the sheen of tears that had taken residence on her lower lashes.  Everything about those eyes took Clarke completely by surprise and the blonde was knocked backwards by the weight of it all. 

Blue eyes stayed locked on green, though, even as the blonde’s rump landed hard on the floor.  Both girls were completely oblivious to the two brunettes on the sofa, completely taken aback by the intensity of what they had just witnessed. 

Clarke sat on the floor, that silly grin staying on her face as she looked up into green eyes above her.  Her head fell back against the table behind her and she felt the night start catching up to her.  From the alcohol in her system to the adrenaline of walking all the way across town to seeing her Lexa again, Clarke had managed to completely ignore the physical pain that was radiating through her body. 

As her body slumped and she started to relax more and more, her words became more slurred too.  Eventually the only things they could make out were “You’re her”, “I found you”, and “My Lexa”. 

Her words tapered off gradually as the alcohol really caught up with her.   Clarke fell asleep with mumbles of “My Lexa” on her lips.  The slight snores were what alerted them to the moment Clarke really fell asleep.  

Lexa’s shuddering breaths and the sobs, tearing their way through her chest with a vengeance, were the only things breaking the silence in the room.  Raven and Octavia both had tears streaming down their own faces.  The three brunettes looked at each other, none of them knowing how to move forward. 

Lexa had dreamed of this moment so many times over the last five years, the moment Clarke would come back into her life and tell her about what she had been through.  This?  This wasn’t what she wanted at all.  She never wanted to know that her ex-girlfriend wanted to kill herself.  She never wanted to know that this girl that she still loved with every part of her was letting herself be sold for a night just for some food and a bed.  Clarke deserved the world and she had ended up in Hell, all because of her. 

All three flatmates were caught up in their thoughts, remembering their own demons and thinking about how to help this broken girl that literally fell into their arms that night when things took a turn for the worse. 

A grunt sounded throughout the living room, followed by the thud of a body falling to the ground.  Three pairs of eyes immediately shot over to the blonde that was once leaning against the table, and all three of them lost their breath.  Octavia and Raven actually froze, looks of terror written across their features, while Lexa immediately jumped over to the medical intern currently seizing on their apartment floor.

Lexa hadn’t had to use this knowledge even once since she learned it, but she would never regret studying it all those years ago.  When she saw Clarke’s body stiffen and then fall to the floor jerkily, she knew exactly what was happening.  With the girl’s history of TBI, it wasn’t a surprise that she was also prone to seizures. 

The law intern started shouting orders to the two frozen brunettes on the sofa, “Quick, one of you grab her neck!  You need to keep it stable and straight.  The other, go grab me a warm, wet washcloth.  Bring it here and then grab her legs too.”  Seeing her two flatmates sitting frozen on the sofa, she barked, “Now!”

They jumped into action at that.  Octavia came and cradled the back of Clarke’s head, left hand on her shoulder and right hand at the nape of her neck.  She was surprised by the amount of force behind the jerks.  The psychology student hadn’t wanted to grab her too hard, but Clarke’s body seemed to be using all of her strength to flail. 

Raven came rushing in with the washcloth, handing it to the law intern immediately before crouching down to put her hands on Clarke’s legs.  The medical intern didn’t seem to react to her touch at all, the jerking motions continuing with each passing seconds. 

Lexa watched the blonde’s face intently, noticing that the girl’s eyes were open wide.  Blue eyes were looking straight ahead, completely unfocused on anything and hazed over.  It was a look that Lexa had only ever seen when Clarke was first brought into her house, the nights that the haunted girl would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming through her night terrors, mind consumed by whatever horrors she had been subjected to in her short life. 

Green eyes remained locked with blue while the older girl whispered soothing nothings to the seizing girl.  Running her hand over Clarke’s forehead, pushing her hair back and wiping the sweat off the girl’s face, she whispered, “You’re okay, baby.  It’s going to be okay.  It’ll be over in a minute and everything is going to be okay, love.” 

After a few more seconds, that felt like an eternity to the three brunettes, Clarke gave a few more weak jerks before her body shuddered and then stilled. 

Blue eyes remained unfocused for a few minutes until they finally locked onto green eyes staring down at her.  Tears had made their way across her face and forehead,, mixing with the sweat and saliva that had spluttered everywhere.  Blonde tresses were a mess upon her head, going in every which direction and stuck in clumps by sweat.  Clarke’s face was red from pain, embarrassment, and discomfort.  The front of the girl’s pants had a stain spreading across the crotch as a result of her bladder contracting and then relaxing at the end of the seizure. 

Blue eyes immediately welled up with tears and Clarke clenched them shut, burying herself in hatred for herself and her condition.  She had spent the last half-decade avoiding everyone for this very reason.  The blonde knew she was a handful and then some; she knew that she could take a turn for the worse at any given moment, and she wasn’t wrong.  She hadn’t even intended to go to these girls’ apartment that night and she still ended up there, ruining everything.  She needed just a second to make her way out of the apartment and out of their lives forever. 

As she was trying to think up her idea of making her way out of their lives once again, voices around her started making their way through the haze that had engulfed her mind.  The stimulation caused an influx of blood to her brain, and she could feel the pain bring the bile up to her throat.  She tore herself from the arms around her and stumbled down the hallway, refusing to add to the mess she had already created in these girls’ living room.

The three girls immediately pulled themselves off the floor as their guest stumbled and tripped her way down their hallway.  Lexa realized that she was headed for the restroom and followed quickly after her, Raven and Octavia sticking back to start cleaning the mess that had been made in the living room.

The law intern turned the corner around the doorway and was immediately met with the smell of vomit.  The blonde was sitting crouched over the porcelain bowl, stringy hair falling over her shoulder and splaying across the seat as she heaved.  The sound of gagging and spluttering brought Lexa back to the present and she rushed into the washroom, gathering blonde locks in her hand and pulling them away from the spewing vomit. 

Clarke was vaguely aware of the feeling of a hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles, and a voice whispering softly into her ear.  Her initial reaction was to jerk away from the person, still unaware as to who it was with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to abandon the voice.

“You’re okay, love.  Let it out, babe, just let it out.” 

Lexa received a slight grunt in response and the feeling of Clarke actually leaning into her touch.  She had expected the girl to recoil and hadn’t been disappointed – she hadn’t expected the girl to actually seek comfort from her.  The green-eyed girl continued to say mindless nothings, anything that came to mind, as the girl continued her dry heaving, having nothing to actually bring up out of her stomache.  “Everything is going to be just fine, Princess.  I’m here now, Clarke, and everything is going to be okay.  I won’t leave you, we’re here.”

Clarke slowly came back to her senses, the alcohol having been purged from her body, left with nothing but the pain radiating through every last inch of her body.  She turned her head slightly to see brown hair shrouding her vision out of the room.  She knew that hair, though, and she resented the comfort that ran through her body at the recognition.   

She would know this hair in any world, in any situation, in any time.  She had spent countless hours just playing with it, twirling the strands through her fingers, running her fingers through them in rows, burrowing her face deep into them and inhaling their scent.  These same locks of hair had provided her comfort on countless nights, tucked under her chin and splayed across her chest, allowing her to sleep when her life kept her up all night.  Their owner would turn over in bed, knowing inherently when the younger blonde was awake and thinking loud enough to keep them both up, tucking her head onto the girl’s chest and wrapping an arm around her waist, the weight tethering her mind to reality. 

Clarke kept her eyes focused on brown hair in her vision, having enough mind to know that the green eyes that surely accompanied them would break her completely.  Before she could stop herself, the medical intern could feel her hand lifting and running through the hair hanging by her.  If she had been paying attention, she would have seen the softest of smiles grace Lexa’s face.

Lexa used the girl’s lack of attention to gently guide her into a standing position, bringing her to lean heavily into her own body.  Even with the support, Clarke stumbled heavily to the sink, nearly falling over when she bent to reach the water.  The brunette quickly pulled her back up, grabbing a disposable cup from the counter and filling it with water to allow the girl to rinse her mouth out without losing her balance.

Once Clarke had effectively rinsed the taste of vomit out of her mouth and had replaced it with the taste of minty mouth-wash, she turned back to the brunette standing against her.  Blue eyes finally met green and Clarke felt the blood rush back to her brain.  Her head swam and her knees buckled beneath her, bringing her crashing down and right back into Lexa’s arms. 

Clarke immediately realized that she hadn’t used her inhaler yet.  She was always supposed to use it after an episode to help combat any lasting effects that might have come up.  She tried to reach her hand into her pocket, but it seemed that the coordination was still lacking.  Her fingers fumbled slightly, barely touching her leg before flopping back to her side.  Without any conscious thought behind it, the blonde growled low in her throat to ignore the tears that were making their way into her eyes.

Lexa noticed the movement and was extremely aware of the growl reverberating through the younger girl’s chest and to her own body.  Grasping Clarke’s hand in her own, the brunette softly asked her what she was trying to get.

“’Nhaler.  Need.”

Green eyes widened immediately, quickly reaching into the girl’s pocket as softly as possible and pulling the red contraption out.  Remembering the last two times she had witnessed this, Lexa held it up to the blonde’s lips herself, depressing the pump when Clarke wrapped her lips around it. 

After four pumps, Clarke finally pulled her mouth from the inhaler and turned away.  She turned her head into Lexa, burying her face at the junction of her neck and shoulder, inhaling her scent.  Lexa held her close and allowed the medical intern to derive whatever comfort she wanted from the embrace. 

They stayed like that for a few moments until Clarke pulled away and tried to create some distance between them.

Lexa let her pull back, albeit reluctantly, but kept her arms ready to reach out and grab her at any indication that things were going south. 

Clarke studied the look on the law intern’s face, seeing nothing but concern and fear written across her features.  The hatred flared up once more through her body, finally registering the smell of her own messes, and the blonde quickly ducked her head away from green eyes.

Lexa sighed softly, knowing how Clarke was probably beating herself up in her head.  “Do you want to take a shower, Clarke?”

Even with such a soft voice, with not a trace of judgment or resentment, full of nothing but care and understanding, Clarke flinched.  On one hand, her head currently felt like 500 elephants were having a jumping competition; and on the other, she had never been around another person after one of her episodes.  Her experiences, however, had conditioned her to always expect the worst and she had no reason to disagree. 

Once she realized that nothing was coming crashing down at her, however, Clarke slowly looked up to meet Lexa’s eyes.  The law intern had completely schooled her features, keeping only a professional look upon her face, refusing to show the already vulnerable blonde any conflicting expressions. 

Blue eyes studied the brunette’s face for some time before looking away.  If the room hadn’t been at such a stand-still, Lexa would have completely missed the mumbled “Yes, please,” that made its was out of Clarke’s mouth. 

Lexa got the shower running, checking the temperature to make sure it was comfortable and not scalding, and turned back to see Clarke still standing there, leaning against the counter and looking down at the ground. 

The brunette slowly approached the quiet girl and asked, “Clarke, love, do you need some help getting undressed?”

Blue eyes clenched shut, trying to gain some semblance of control back on her emotions, Clarke nearly imperceptibly nodded her head.  As Lexa spoke, warning Clarke each time before she touched her and explaining each article of clothing that she was removing, Clarke could feel the red hot fury well up inside.  Of course, it was directed at no one but herself.

For _five fucking years_ Clarke had avoided any interaction with her ex-girlfriend, knowing that she was too much of a handful for anyone to have to deal with.  She had resigned to a life of solitude and debts, both of which seemed unending.  Despite everything Anya said whenever they got the rare opportunity to actually talk, she had opted out of contacting the woman she loved, refusing to think that it could help either of them.  The haunted blonde truly believed that she would just leech all of the good out of her ex’s life, and she was just proving herself right.

Clarke had been relatively unresponsive as Lexa was taking off her clothes.  Lexa feared whatever was going through the blonde’s head, hoping beyond hope that she was not feeling even more violated.

As the last of Clarke’s clothes came off her body, Lexa felt the breath leave her lungs.  She had expected the younger girl to close in on herself, to try and shield her body from view and scrutiny; she had expected that vision to hurt her heart.  What she did see, though, tore it to pieces instead. 

Clarke was stood there, legs apart and arms slightly extended to her sides, palms facing out, making her body seem as open as possible.  The girl was standing in a sacrificial pose, giving herself up for someone to take, and Lexa realized that Clarke hadn’t expected the touches to be innocent.

Green eyes remained locked on blue eyes, refusing to take advantage of the situation and actually look at the body in front of her, not allowing herself to come even within 100 miles of violating Clarke in the way she expected.  As she walked closer to the blonde in front of her, she gently grabbed both of her hands.  Closing them into fists and turning them back into a natural resting position, Lexa pulled the hands up to allow Clarke some modesty.  The brunette placed the softest of kisses on those hands, feeling all of the new scabs and scars around her wrists and she felt like shit.

Clarke’s breath hitched at the feeling of those soft lips on her skin.  She had only dreamt of those lips for the last five years, imagining it over and over whenever Jaha’s clients decided she would be worth a night or two.  She imagined those long, slender fingers running across her skin as opposed to the rough and forceful hands of whatever diplomat.  She imagined those eyes looking into her own as they lay together instead of the pillow pressed into her face to remove the reality of the paid-for-whore for the men.  She imagined those lips on her own, pressing softly and sweetly into her skin, completely undemanding and relinquishing all control to her, as opposed to whatever other body parts Jaha’s clients expected her to take care of.

Lexa could feel the tremors running through the body by hers and tried to provide as much comfort as she could without violating any personal space.  Considering she didn’t know what any of the problems were, though, she was having some trouble figuring out how she could possibly help her ex-girlfriend.

Clarke’s mind was in overdrive.  She was being flooded with memories, switching from experiences with the girl in front of her and hotel rooms or alleyways or wherever else the guys would take her.  Her mind was not equipped or ready to handle any of that just yet and she could feel her body start to give way under the force. 

The law intern was caught completely off guard as the body in front of her collapsed.  Clarke’s knees buckled under her and she fell forward, catching herself on Lexa’s shoulders.  Not knowing what else to do, Lexa hooked her arms under the blonde’s armpits, providing her enough support to stay upright. 

It had been so long since the brunette had felt this body pressed against hers but, when she dreamt of being able to do it again, never in a million years would she have imagined it to be like this. 

Keeping her arms wrapped around the vulnerable blonde, Lexa gently led her to the shower.  She kept one arm around the girl’s waist and used the other to gently lead her under the spray of the water.  Realizing that she wouldn’t be able to truly support Clarke like this, Lexa stepped into the shower with her, not bothering to remove her clothes. 

Clarke could feel the arms around her, gentle and caring, completely undemanding, and she had no idea what to do with it.  It had been years since she had been so vulnerable with anybody and she had resolved herself to the fact that she would spend the rest of her very short life alone.  She didn’t want to get close to anyone again because she wasn’t planning on staying long. 

This feeling was sending her into overdrive.  These arms were the only arms she ever wanted to touch her again, but they were also the arms that she wanted to stay as far as possible away from.  She wanted nothing to do with these arms ever again, but she never wanted to step away from them.  These arms held every last inch of her mind, body, and heart, and she didn’t know if she ever wanted them back. 

The feeling of Lexa lathering soap into her hair, running her fingers through golden locks and cleaning all of the filth she had brought into the brunettes’ home, of soap running over her shoulder blades and down her back, of soft hands making sure to keep the touch as simple as possible, Clarke felt her heart start to flutter in her chest.  It had been years since her heartbeat had been anything more than an empty pulsation – like that of a motor, designed for nothing more than power for very basic function.  For the first time in half a decade, Clarke could feel some life seep back into her chest. 

When Lexa turned the blonde around in order to clean her front side, she was met with a sight that took her breath away.  Clarke was standing completely limp, not controlling a single movement of her body and allowing Lexa to have complete control.  The look on her face, however, was something neither of them were able to control.

Blue eyes were trained on her face, looking directly into the green orbs in front of them.  They were studying, searching, looking deep into their depths to try and understand everything that did not make sense at that point.  Those blue eyes were like a storm, swirling and crashing and waving and thrashing, unable to remain still with the ghosts of the monsters and the beautiful memories whirling through their depths.  They locked onto green eyes, looking for something solid, something pure, something marvelous to anchor to, knowing that they would be swept away by the power of everything roiling within them. 

Lexa kept Clarke under the water for some time, allowing the warmth to wash over her and settle everything that had been haunting her.  Eventually, the water ran cold and Lexa had to break the spell that had fallen over them.

“Are you okay to stay here for a minute while I go grab us some towels?”

Clarke wasn’t consciously aware of it until she stopped, but Lexa had been talking the whole time.  She was telling small, insignificant stories of her life with Octavia and Raven, stupid things that the three of them had done in the last five years, and Clarke didn’t realize it until she stopped. 

The medical intern watched Lexa silently as the brunette led her out of the shower and sat her on the stool in the bathroom.  She sat there, just staring at the wall and trying to gather her thoughts.  She had no idea if she succeeded or not.

Lexa had run out of the washroom after she sat her ex-girlfriend down and straight into the living room.  “I need the softest towels you guys have and whichever one of you has the most comfortable clothes to sleep in, I need those too.”

Octavia and Raven had been sitting on the sofa, deep in thought and holding onto each other for any kind of comfort, when the law intern had come rushing in.  They barely registered the fact that she was completely dressed and soaking wet before she started yelling at them.  Without a second thought, they both went running into their rooms to grab whatever Lexa needed. 

Octavia went to grab her softest towel while Raven went to get her favourite night suit.  She had the softest clothes they had ever found, keeping them as a comfort outfit whenever her leg acted up.  Everyone would agree that Clarke could use it that night. 

Lexa walked back into the washroom with the things to find Clarke sitting in the exact same position she had left her, silently staring at the wall and completely unmoved.  The law intern walked in as softly as possible, so as to not startle the quiet girl.  She had already wrapped her own hair up into the towel and changed into dry clothes.

She walked over to her slowly, kneeling in the floor in front of the blonde and gently placed a hand under her chin to guide blue eyes to her own.  Clarke seemed startled to see Lexa back, but quickly schooled her features. 

“Do you want me to help you get dressed, Clarke?” Lexa spoke softly. 

Clarke didn’t respond.  Her eyes remained trained on her ex-girlfriend’s face, taking in all of the details she hadn’t seen there before.  The vision before her was the only thing keeping her mind from going into overdrive and shutting down once again. 

Waiting for a moment until she was sure she wasn’t going to get a response, Lexa grabbed the towel on the counter and stared running it softly over the bruised and battered body in front of her.  The brunette made sure to keep her eyes trained on Clarke’s face, assuring the blonde completely that Lexa had nothing but innocent intentions. 

When she saw a wince mar Clarke’s features, however, Lexa looked down to where her hands were.  She had run the towel over Clarke’s ribs and the sight under the towel was horrifying.  The blonde’s ribs were painted with a myriad of colours, bruises old and new adorning the skin as red highlights streaked across in cuts and scabs.  A scanning glance over the rest of the younger girl’s body brought Lexa’s attention to the abundance of wounds over the expanse of her skin. 

Trying to keep her emotions at bay, Lexa brought her eyes back up to Clarke’s face and saw the disgust in them as blue eyes raked over her own form.  The brunette tried to offer the younger girl a small smile, hoping to calm her down some, before saying, “Would it be okay with you if I try and take care of some of these?  I want to make sure they get cleaned properly.”

Once again, Clarke couldn’t bring herself to respond.  She was so not used to someone helping her through these episodes, and even less accustomed to someone caring for her so much in their aftermath.  She had never felt this much concern from another person and she was having trouble wrapping her mind around it. 

Lexa allowed the silence to wash over her and resolved to take care of the girl in front of her.  She kept a watchful eye on the blonde’s features, should there be any indication that she was crossing a line or making her uncomfortable. 

The law intern slowly pulled the separate articles of clothing onto the distressed body ahead of her after taking care to make sure any wounds in an area were attended to. 

As much as she tried not to ogle at the body in front of her, knowing that the girl had been violated beyond belief for years, but at a certain point she couldn’t help herself. 

There were marks on the girl’s hips, going all the way up to her ribs and down to her thighs.  There were words carved into her skin – horrible, nightmarish words, that nobody should ever associate with themselves – as well as unintelligible shapes.  The most grueling marks, however, were the brands.  There were blobs branded into the blonde’s side, like those on an animal. 

Lexa could feel tears start to build in her eyes, and she made herself choke them back, refusing to steal this moment from Clarke.  It was the first time in six years that she was actually taking the opportunity to put the blonde first, and she refused to waste it.

Clarke watched her ex-girlfriend silently, observing her every movement and every expression.  The brunette’s features contorted whenever a particularly bad wound was revealed, and she remained completely focused on each inch of skin that she saw.  Green eyes, however, revealed the true depths behind whatever the older girl was feeling.  Lexa had never been able to hide her eyes from the young blonde.  Clarke was always able to see everything hidden in their depths – the emotions hanging off the branches of the forest hidden within, the thoughts swirling in emerald depths, as priceless as the gem itself. 

Clarke watched the emotions tearing their way through eyes that haunted her dreams every night, and couldn’t help herself.  She allowed herself to look into them, to see all of the things that she had been missing.  The way they looked at her, the way they raked over her body only to make sure she was safe, made the blonde’s heart throb.  It was the first time someone had looked at her with nothing but innocence on their mind, and Clarke wasn’t used to it. 

She was torn at this point.  The medical intern had intended to leave the apartment the next day and disappear from their lives once again.  She had planned to go and save these girls from having to deal with her shit, giving them the freedom to forget she was ever there and be able to live their lives like they should. 

There were emotions running through her mind now, though, that she hadn’t felt in years.  Clarke hadn’t had a connection with anyone since she walked out of her own apartment and the best relationship she could have ever hoped to have.  Now that this family was back in her life, she had no idea if she would last more than a few months without them.

Everything going through her mind started overwhelming her and the blonde didn’t know what to do.   She felt tears start to well in her eyes and she tried her best to keep them from falling, but once the first tear made its way to the lip of her bottom eyelid, pooling at the threshold and falling over the edge like stepping off a dive-board, taking a leap, it started a chain that had been held back for five years, one she could no longer control. 

Lexa was caught completely off guard when she felt the first tear land on her hand.  Her head shot up to look at the blonde’s face and was immediately met with watery blue eyes boring into her own, leaking rivers down her face, snaking their way down the column of her throat and disappearing beneath the neck of the shirt now covering her torso. 

She was even more taken aback when the first sob made its way to her ears.  The brunette barely had a second to react before the girl in front of her had collapsed and fallen right into her arms. 

Clarke lost all control over her body and was no longer able to keep herself up.  Lexa managed to grab her in time, keeping them both from falling to the floor unchecked.  Lexa sat on the floor, back leaning against the door of the shower, Clarke’s body curled in her lap. 

The blonde in her arms was shaking and shuddering under the force of the sobs wracking through her body.  She was trying to remain as quiet as possible, Lexa could tell, but she couldn’t hold it back.  This flood had been held back for years, building and building and it was finally time for it all to come crashing down around her. 

They stayed like that for some time, Clarke curled up in Lexa’s arms, face tucked into the brunette’s neck and inhaling her scent, the only thing that could ever comfort her when they were together.  It was true that whenever her night terrors reared their ugly head, tearing screams out of the medical student with the ability of waking their neighbors, Lexa’s weight across her body, her head tucked under the blonde’s chin, and her breath wafting across the column of her neck was the only thing that could tether her to reality and allow her to get back to sleep.  However, in the “gentler” moments, when Clarke was consumed with abhoration for herself and a desire for it all to be over, the only thing that could bring her out of her own mind was Lexa’s smell.  She would curl up, much like this, laying her head on the law student’s chest, wrap her arms around the older girl’s waist, and hold her body as close as possible, not wanting a single monstrous thought to make its way between them. 

This moment was no different.  Lexa herself was the only thing keeping Clarke collected enough to remain in this reality.  It was the first time she had allowed herself to think about all of the monstrous, disgusting, despicable things that had been done to her; the first time she had allowed herself to think about the last conversation she had had with her ex-girlfriend and what she had done to herself afterwards.         

Lexa held the body in her arms close to herself.  She kept one arm wrapped around the girl’s waist, not allowing any space between them, and used the other to run her fingers through blonde locks.  She trailed her hand up and down the clothed back, careful to keep her hands away from the places she remembered there being bruises, and gently scratched at the back of her neck.  That had always been one of Clarke’s favourite things: Lexa scratching at the nape of her neck or across her scalp.  Things didn’t seem to have changed.

She pressed kisses across the blonde’s hairline as well, trying to provide any possible comfort she could, murmuring quiet assurances into the skin there, “You’re alright, love.  You’re okay.  I’m right here, Princess, and I’m not going anywhere.  We’re here for you.  You’re okay now.  You’re with us.”

It took Lexa some time to realize that she, too, was shedding tears.  It shouldn’t have surprised her, really.  She had not a single doubt in any hidden crevice of her mind that this girl was the love of her life, that this girl was the single most important person in her whole world.  Knowing the horrors and the evils that she had been through in their time apart was effective in tearing the last bits of her heart to shreds. 

Everything that the blonde had been through in the last five years had been because of her, because she had been too caught up in herself to see what the blonde really needed.  Lexa had wasted her time with the blonde when they were still together and it had directly led to them being in this position. 

Tears streamed down her face at this thought.  The guilt of abandoning her ex-girlfriend in their last year together, as well as the pain gripping her heart at the vision of the girl she loved with every part of her in _so much pain_ , was all becoming overwhelming. 

It took some time but Clarke’s sobs eventually stopped and slowed into quiet whimpers and occasional gasps.  Lexa continued to hold the girl for some time, her fingers still running through now dry hair, lips still pressing light kisses across her forehead. 

When she felt her eyelids start to droop and her own body start to give in to her exhaustion, she decided that it was time to take Clarke to sleep. 

She stood up from the floor, keeping the blonde in her arms, and rocked back and forth, shushing the girl slightly as she started fussing.  The movement disturbed the distressed blonde’s rest and she tucked herself closer into the arms around her.  Clarke pressed her nose deeper into Lexa’s neck and tried to snuggle even deeper into her arms. 

Lexa eventually managed to make her way out of the washroom, electing to clean the mess the next day, and walked the two of them into her own room. 

Reaching the bed, the law intern tried to lower the girl in her arms to lay down.  Clarke, however, seemed to have different ideas and clung even tight to the body pressed against her own. 

Lexa eventually had no option other than to lay down with the girl.  Intending to lay down and then get back up, she soon realized that that wasn’t going to work either.  As soon as she got onto her back, Clarke climbed on top of her and pressed herself along the length of the brunette’s body. 

The blonde laid her body completely on top of the one under her.  Their legs entwined, blonde head resting on the law intern’s bosom, arms clutching desperately around the brunette’s body, Clarke seemed to be holding onto Lexa for dear life. 

Lexa wrapped her own arms around her ex-girlfriend’s body, pulling her snug against her.  She hadn’t expected to be in this position ever again, having resolved to the fact that she had lost her love years ago, and she would be damned if she let this slip through her fingers too. 

Holding Clarke close enough to feel their heartbeats syncing up, Lexa pressed kisses into the crown of the medical intern's head and burrowed her nose into blonde locks, inhaling her scent.  Sighing softly, she whispered, "Happy Birthday, Clarke," before following the girl into the land of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it was! I've had this chapter in the back of my mind for months and it just took off as I was writing it. 
> 
> I have two more chapters planned, so the end is near :/ If anyone has any ideas of anything they want to see, let me know and I'll try and work it in! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed it, and I hope this much is enough to hold you guys over for the month because I have absolutely no idea if I'll be able to post again until I'm back in The States. 
> 
> Tumblr: theysaythejobisjinxed


	14. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after Clarke shows up at the girls' apartment. Lexa, Raven, and Octavia have a very important talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, guys, I'm terribly sorry that I haven't responded to any comments in a while. I've been traveling since I got here and internet has been very choppy. I'm leaving again in the morning and will be without WiFi until the second week of August, so I really just wanted to get one more chapter up before I drop off the grid. 
> 
> This chapter is unedited, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> It's going to be an important chapter, I think. I feel like this is the chapter that a lot of people have been waiting for and I really hope that it doesn't disappoint too much!
> 
> Also, I know that I said there were only a couple of chapters left, but I feel like there might be a few more than initially intended lol.

Lexa slowly became aware of her surroundings, pulled from her dreams by a feeling of contentment she hadn’t felt in a long time.  It wasn’t the first time she had dreamt of her ex-girlfriend, but it was the first time it hadn’t been a nightmare. 

As she woke up more and more, she also became aware of the weight on her body.  Looking down, Lexa was met with a field of golden hair, obviously needing to be washed but heart-stoppingly beautiful all the same.  Immediately, she realized that it hadn’t been a dream.  Clarke actually _had_ come to the apartment.  She _had_ shown up drunk off her ass.  Everything that had happened afterwards – the outpouring of love, the seizure, the scene in the bathroom, falling asleep together – it actually _had_ happened. 

Lexa could feel tears slowly fill her eyes, a burning sensation in the back of her throat.  On instinct, she tightened her arms and held the girl tighter against her.  The law intern had never imagined that she would ever be able to be in this position again, believing that she had sufficiently ruined the one good thing she had ever had in her life.  Waking up with Clarke in her arms once again, knowing she was safe and sound for the time-being, and being able to feel her chest expand with each breath in, release with each breath out, the thrumming of her heartbeat against Lexa’s own chest – it all sent a storm of emotions at the brunette, crashing through her brain like a storm. 

She couldn’t believe this was real.  She hadn’t felt this happy and this well-rested since everything happened, and she couldn’t help but hate herself for it.  The guilt that Lexa was feeling was starting to slowly overwhelm her, eating at her inside and adding to the tears already building in her eyes.  She could feel it start to consume her and felt like she would choke if she didn’t move immediately. 

No matter what was going through her mind, though, the brunette couldn’t bring herself to move.  She could tell that Clarke was deriving some sort of comfort from her; seeing as the blonde had done nothing but pull her closer throughout the night.  After everything the law intern had heard the previous night, she knew that Clarke was in dire need of some sort of positive human contact. 

Thinking back on the events of the night before, Lexa lowered her eyes to study Clarke’s face.  Slightly shrouded by a curtain of hair, the law intern slowly raised an arm to smooth golden locks back.  Finally getting a view of her face, Lexa felt the breath leave her body.

Clarke had such a peaceful look on her face.  The furrow that had seemed to be ever-present in the girl’s eyebrow, worry lines seemingly permanent on her forehead, were absent.  The frown that had taken residence across her lips was gone as well, lips turning upwards, instead, showing the girl’s contentment.  Lexa wished above all else that she would be able to keep this image in her mind forever. 

Unable to stop herself, the green-eyed girl slowly leaned down and pressed her own lips against Clarke’s forehead.  As soon as contact was made, Lexa felt the first tear fall slowly out of her eye and roll down her cheek.  She didn’t bother trying to stop those that followed as the girl in her arms pressed in closer, sighing before whispering a soft, “Lexie,” with her smile extending across her lips.

They stayed like that for some time, Lexa taking the time to reflect on everything that had been happening recently.  It was only when she felt Clarke shift slightly, pulling away from her and turning onto her side, did Lexa move her body.  Trying not to make any sounds or obnoxious movements, Lexa slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position, wincing at the volume of the cracks that made their way up her spine. 

Turning to the side, Lexa saw that Clarke was still deep asleep.  Not wanting to pass up this opportunity that she had only ever dreamt of happening again, the brunette walked around to the other side of the bed, kneeling so that she was eye-level with Clarke.  Green eyes raked over her features, slowly drinking in everything she had missed for so many years.  She slowly raised her hand, barely touching the strands of hair in front of her; reveling in the feel of them, the softness, the beauty, Lexa felt more tears fill her eyes at the idea of everything that she let walk out of her life.

As she stroked through Clarke’s hair, the brunette noticed the girl starting to stir.  Not wanting to disturb her (obviously much needed) rest, Lexa stood up from the ground and decided to go out to the living room.  Moving to the door, she stole one last glance of this peaceful Clarke, hoping to memorize every aspect of the vision, before opening the door and walking out.

Stopping by the restroom first in order to freshen up, Lexa was thrown back into memories of the early morning.  Someone had cleaned up the mess that they had left there, and Lexa could almost believe that it hadn’t actually happened.  The memories, though, and the pain associated with them would never let her forget it happened.

Lexa hadn’t actually expected to see anyone sitting in the living room when she got there and was surprised to find that Raven and Octavia were already seated on the sofa.  They were sitting close together and seemed to be in the middle of some conversation.  Walking further into the living room, the law intern snuck a glance at the clock by the TV and saw that it was almost one in the afternoon.  A quick flash of panic ran across her face and she ran over to her phone.  The panic was replaced by confusion when she found that she had no missed calls from work.

“We called in for you both and said you were sick.”

Green eyes shot over to the voice from the sofa, finding both girls there looking at her quietly.  She offered them a soft smile in thanks and they both returned it.

Lexa made her way over to the love seat and slowly sat down.  Getting out of bed and coming back into the reality that she now lived in, the tension set back into her body and she could feel it spread through her from head to toe.

“Thank you guys for cleaning up last night.”

Octavia and Raven both looked at their flatmate, offering her small nods of recognition.

Octavia spoke up first, “How is Clarke doing now?”

Lexa sighed, “She’s still asleep.  I don’t know what state she’s gonna wake up in.”

A silence settled over them once again and they could all feel the tension in the air.  Everything that they had witnessed only hours previous had set them all on edge and none of them really knew what to do. 

Raven and Octavia had no idea how to react to everything they saw.  Through all of their hardships and trials and tribulations, they had never experienced anything like what happened in their apartment. 

Both younger brunettes were having a hard time actually comprehending everything gong through their minds. 

Octavia spoke up again to break the silence that had settled over them.  “How did you know what to do last night?”

Lexa looked over at the two girls on the sofa, “Between Clarke’s senior year of high school and her first year of undergrad, we both went out and got certified in a bunch of different life support certifications.  Always the overachiever, she wanted to go above and beyond just basic life support so she searched out everything she could find.  She looked into seizures in particular because they’re so complex.”

“Shouldn’t we have put a biting block or something in her mouth?  They say you’re supposed to do that so whoever’s seizing doesn’t bite a chunk outta their tongue or whatever.”

Lexa offered her friends a small smile and explained, “TV and books are usually a bad place to get accurate information on anything.  And so is Tumblr.  Because matters of the brain are so delicately complex, there is no universal rule of how to treat seizures.  If someone who has seizures – which is not limited to people with epilepsy – carries a biting block with them, then you use it.  If they don’t have anything, then you have to just let them ride it out as long as it doesn’t go on for too long.”

Raven felt a small smile break across her face, “Look at you, Doctor Lexa.  You really do know a little bit of everything.”

Lexa offered her a tight-lipped smile in return before turning back to look straight ahead.  She had so many emotions going through her mind right now and she had no idea how to sort through them.

After some time, the silence from her two best friends became almost more deafening than the storm of thoughts roiling through her brain, and she decided to get up and go check on Clarke.  Standing up from the sofa, Lexa made her way back into her bedroom.

Opening the door slowly, the brunette was met with a sight that warmed her heart.  Clarke was laying on her back, mouth open slightly and head turned to the side, hair splayed out as a halo around her head.  The most astounding thing in her expression, of course, was the fact that there wasn’t a single worry on her face.  She looked truly restful and Lexa wished that look could remain there forever. 

Walking closer, the law intern went to the side of her bed and knelt down by her ex-girlfriend’s head once more.  Reaching a hand out to slowly run through golden locks, Lexa allowed a small smile to cross her face once again.  She quickly retracted her hand when Clarke’s head turned towards her, but froze when she noticed the smile crossing her ex-girlfriend’s face. 

Clarke seemed to still be in some sort of mid-sleep state and wasn’t really aware of what was going on.  She turned over to face Lexa with a wide grin and barely opened her eyes.  She reached forward and whispered, “Hey baby.  Just five more minutes please,” before placing a chaste kiss on Lexa’s mouth and then promptly falling back to sleep.

Lexa stayed on the floor, unmoving.  This was the absolute last thing she would ever have expected to happen.  She was so not prepared for any of it and her mind was currently going into overdrive. 

She stood up slowly, trying to comprehend what just happened, and wasn’t able to make any sense of it.  Clarke’s mind must have taken her back to the time that they were still together, something to tether to while she slept through the exhaustion in her body. 

Even knowing that the medical intern was basically unconscious when she said what she said, Lexa couldn’t handle it.  She had been dying to hear those words, to feel those lips against hers for years, but this isn’t how she wanted it.  She wanted to know that she had earned it.  She wanted to know that Clarke had been truly comfortable with it happening.  She wanted to know that Clarke wanted it as much as she did. 

She didn’t want it to be some sleeping mistake.  She didn’t want it to be when Clarke wasn’t even aware of what she was doing.  She didn’t want it to be just a ghost of what once was.

Not even bothering to change or stop and say anything to her two best friends, Lexa walked out of her room and out of the apartment, running as she got further and further with no indication of stopping.

Clarke was pulled from her sleep when she heard a door slam outside.  Her first instinct was to stretch and relax some into the bed, reveling in the fact that she hadn’t felt this good and well-rested in years, but her eyes shot open almost as soon as she closed them.

Everything came rushing back to her.  Her night with Jaha’s people, her trek across the city, her babbling to three people fresh in her life, the seizure, the bathroom, and, most horrifyingly, the kiss.  Clarke could feel her heart start pounding and her head start throbbing as all of the memories crashed against her like a wave, sobering her immediately.

The blonde flung herself off the bed and ran out of the room. She didn’t even bother waiting to register the fact that she wasn’t wearing her own clothes or that she had been sleeping for almost ten hours.  The blonde ran through the apartment and out the door, ignoring the cries of her own name she heard coming from the living room.

As she reached the bottom of the stairs, Clarke became aware of the sound of footsteps running after her.  Getting to the lobby, she turned around, her sympathetic nervous system kicking in with her “fight or flight” response preparing her to defend herself.  She was met with a huffing brunette, though, calling her name and holding out a pair of car keys and a bag at her. 

Octavia had chased after the blonde as she ran out of her apartment.  Considering Raven couldn’t drive or run, she had stayed back in case Lexa made it back soon.  Neither of them knew what happened other than both ex-girlfriends had run out of their apartment frantically within minutes of each other. 

When the young brunette finally made it to the bottom of the stairs (damn, Clarke was fit – she made it down all 7 flights of stairs without stopping), she was glad to find that Clarke had stopped. 

Running out the door and into the lobby, Octavia saw Clarke already facing her in a defensive stance and poised to attack.  The psychology major raised her hands and said, “I just wanted to ask if you want a ride to your car, Clarke.  I know it’s far away and it’s hot as fuck today.” 

Clarke got even more confused as Octavia spoke.  Could it be possible that the blue-eyed brunette really only wanted to help her?  The haunted blonde could almost believe it.  Almost.

Thinking back on the months that she had known the other girl, though, Clarke couldn’t help but believe it even more.  Discounting the first night they had met, Raven and Octavia had been nothing but perfect to Clarke.  They had let her repay her debt to them, they had not asked questions that she knew they were probably dying to ask, they hadn’t pushed her on details that she wasn’t prepared to talk about.  They had been nothing but amazing.  One part of Clarke wanted to believe that it was too good to be true – that they were eventually going to turn on her too; another part of her, though, thought that she owed them the benefit of the doubt. 

Octavia was pleasantly surprised when she saw Clarke slowly nod her head.  Jumping a little excitedly, she walked forward towards the blonde and tried to remain as respectful of her distance as possible. 

Leading her to the garage, Octavia explained to the medical intern that she was going to be taking Clarke in Raven’s car.  It wasn’t as fancy as Lexa’s Audi, but the engineering student made sure to keep it in pristine condition. 

Finally reaching the car, Clarke realized why Raven had loved her car so much.  The older brunette had her own antique muscle car: a sky-blue 1974 T-bird. 

The blonde climbed into the passenger and, apparently, couldn’t keep the awe off her face.  Octavia chuckled slightly at her expression and Clarke could feel herself blush. 

They rode in silence for a while after Clarke told the girl driving her where her car was.  After a few moments, Octavia felt blue eyes turn to look at her.  She decidedly kept her eyes on the road so as not to make the blonde any more uncomfortable than she already was. 

“I’m sorry for this morning.”

Octavia nearly sighed.  She couldn’t wait for the day when this girl – this sweet, pure, amazing girl – stopped apologizing for things that were absolutely not her fault. 

“Clarke, you have nothing to apologize for, I swear to you.  I’m glad that you were able to make it to our apartment relatively safe.”

Clarke allowed the words to wash over her, trying her damndest to actually believe them.  The thought that she was an inconvenient waste of space and time and been so deeply branded into her mind, though, that she was struggling to make the words stick. 

After a little more time, Octavia spoke up again, “I want you to know that, if you ever need anything, you’re more than welcome to call me or Raven.  We understand that you may not want to come to Lexa just yet, but we’re more than happy to help you in any way that we can.”

Blue eyes studied the brunette, silently contemplating how to reply.  Never quite figuring out what to say, Clarke merely nods and looks back out the window. 

When they reach the place Clarke said her car was parked, Octavia was sufficiently surprised.  Every time Clarke mentioned something about Jaha’s “clients”, she had assumed that their escapades always took place in by-the-hour motels full of rats and questionable stains.  This was a five-star hotel with Maseratis, Audis, i8s, and even a Ferrari.  Money really could get anyone to turn a blind eye to the scum of the earth.

Octavia took them into a parking structure around the corner from the hotel and pulled into a spot near Clarke’s Chevelle.  Before the blonde could make her way out of the car, Octavia started speaking.

“Life sucks.” Blue eyes shot over to the driver, who had her own blue eyes trained on the wall in front of their car.  “Shit happens and things can go so completely wrong that life doesn’t even seem worth living sometimes.  People do shitty things to others and everyone has some sort of fucked up justification for what they do.”  Blue eyes turned to meet blue eyes, an electrical shock running through both girls at the connection.  “Sometimes even good people do fucked up shit.”

Octavia reached over and placed a hand on Clarke’s shoulder.  “Lexa fucked up, Clarke.  Everything that she’s told us about what happened between you guys, I couldn’t believe it at first; that was nothing like the Lexa that I know.  But the more I’ve thought about it and the more time I’ve spent with you, I know that I can’t deny it.  Even good people can fuck everything up.”

The psychology major turned back to her spot on the wall and tried to think through what she wanted to say.  “I’m having a hard time forgiving her for what she’s done.  I know she didn’t do it to me, and I know that it wouldn’t have had any affect on my life had you not saved our asses, but I can’t stop thinking about it.  Now that you are in my life and now that I kind of know you, I can’t help but think about the fact that you deserve so much better than what she did to you. 

“I also know that, sometimes, we can’t help but love the people we love.  You love Lexa, and Lexa loves you, and it would be almost impossible for anyone to deny these things.  But, Clarke, you see only the beautiful things in her.  You’ve held onto the pure things that you remember and the idea of her as the perfect person you needed to stay alive, and I’m so glad that you did.  I’m so glad that you held onto something long enough to come into my life. 

“I want to be able to help you now; Raven and I both do.  We can’t work out yet whether or not Lexa has really atoned for how badly she jacked everything up, but we know that you totally don’t deserve any shit.  Even if you don’t want to call us for help yet, or if you don’t want us to help you get away from Jaha yet, can you let us at least hang out with you?  We just want to be able to show you that we really do care about you and we really do love you, Clarke.  We just want you to be happy and safe and whole.”

Clarke stared at the girl sitting next to her.  She could see why Indra had taken such a strong liking to her; she had a fire in her that burned bright and strong.  Holding back her emotions as much as she could, willing her memories back into her brain and the tears to remain at bay in her eyes, Clarke studied Octavia.  It had been years since she had trusted anyone or allowed herself to have friends.  She hadn’t allowed herself to trust anyone else since she lost her family, knowing that everyone eventually left her anyways. 

However, she couldn’t help but think that these girls were different.  Sure, they had been pretty bitchy when they first met, but Clarke knew a self-preservation tactic when she saw one.  They had only been defending themselves, much like Clarke had been doing her whole life.  After that night, though, Octavia and Raven had been nothing but perfect.  The medical intern knew that they hadn’t actually needed any tutoring in their classes those first few months, but she had found herself actually enjoying their company and not caring.  In the ten months since then and now, the two best friends had given Clarke no reason to doubt them. 

Deciding that she could try and trust them with just a little bit at first, Clarke nodded slowly, making sure Octavia would see the action.

Octavia clapped her hands excitedly and gave the blonde an incredibly bright smile.  Clarke couldn’t help but return it with a small smile of her own. 

Clarke opened the door softly and started making her way out of the car. Octavia followed her quickly and made her way to the back of the car.  She grabbed the bag and made her way to Clarke’s side of the car. 

The blonde eyed the bag questioningly.  Looking up to see a smile still on Octavia’s face and mirth in blue eyes, she slowly extended a hand to grab it.  Opening it, she felt her heart skip a beat and tears fill her eyes.  In the bag was a box from a bakery and a sketchbook and some sketching utensils.  Clarke looked up at Octavia questioningly, desperately choking back her emotions. 

 “Anya told Raven that you love to sketch.  She called around to see who knew what you would like for your birthday and that was pretty much the universal idea.  I hope you like them.  Oh! And you can’t _not_ have a cake on your birthday!  Or, well, I guess a cupcake.  Which is really just like a personal cake because it’s so small.  I mean, who shares a cupcake really.  Shit if you wanted a cake to share we can get that too, we weren’t trying to say we didn’t want to share with you really we just – “

“OCTAVIA!”  Clarke laughed lightly as the blue-eyed brunette stopped rambling abruptly.  “Thank you so much.  I love all of it.”

The shy smile that Clarke sent her way instigated a splitting grin to break across Octavia’s face. 

They walked over to Clarke’s car in a comfortable silence.  Reaching the car, Clarke panicked slightly when she realized that she wasn’t wearing her own clothes.  Searching frantically for her keys, the blonde’s attention was caught when she saw Octavia hold keys out for her.  Offering the girl a gracious look, she took the keys and unlocked the car, placing the bag of gifts in her backseat.

  Opening the door and turning the car on, Clarke turned back to look at the brunette standing behind her.  They both smiled at each other and chuckled, neither of them really knowing what to say. 

Clarke spoke up first, “I really can’t thank you enough for everything you and Ms. Re – you and Raven have done for me.”

Octavia placed her hand on Clarke’s shoulder comfortingly and looked into her eyes, “You really don’t have anything to thank us for, Clarke.  We’re always more than happy to help our family.”

Clarke’s breath hitched at that description of her.  They considered her family.  She hadn’t had a family in years and she was almost terrified to be considered a part of one again. 

Octavia spoke up once again, “So do you have any days off this week?”  At the quizzical look on the medical intern’s face, she explained, “I wanted to know if you had a day you would be free to hang out.”

The hopeful look on the psychology major’s face didn’t allow Clarke to blow her off.  
            “I’m off all day Friday, until Saturday afternoon.”

“Awesome!  How would you feel about coming to the gym with me on Saturday?  I usually go around 6:30 in the morning, but I’m open to going anytime.”

Clarke smiled.  She was glad they weren’t going out shopping or anything.  “Early morning is the best time for a workout.”

Octavia smiled wide at her, glad that she had accepted. 

With a smile of her own, the medical intern extended a hand, offering Octavia a handshake.  The younger brunette opened her mouth slowly, “Clarke, would you be terribly opposed to a hug instead?  You’re more than welcome to say no, of course, but I donno, I feel like we’re past handshakes.”

Keeping her hand extended, Clarke thought about it for a moment.  She remembered that the last few times she had hung out with these girls they had just jumped up and hugged her.  Nothing bad had happened those times, so she had no reason to fear it now.  Octavia was even asking this time. 

Slowly, Clarke raised her other arm to open them into an invitation.  With a wide smile, Octavia stepped closer, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s middle. 

They stayed in an embrace for a few moments.  Clarke was tense at first, but she eventually warmed up to the contact, releasing the tension in her body and relaxing against the younger brunette. 

Pulling apart, Clarke got into her car and Octavia walked over to hers.  They both pulled out of their parking spots and waved as they passed each other.

 

Raven sat in the apartment after Octavia ran out after Clarke.  Left with nothing but her thoughts, the brunette tried sorting through them and calming herself. 

Seeing what Clarke had been dealing with on her own for the last five years had really hit the braced brunette hard.  She knew how miserable it was for her at times, even with so much support and help around her, Raven could have days where the pain was unbearable or she just wanted to wallow in her self-pity. 

Clarke’s situation was so much worse than hers.  Raven couldn’t imagine something like this even in her worst nightmares.  Clarke was living in a literal Hell on Earth, and she was living in it completely alone.  She was on her own with demons eating at her 24/7, and it was Lexa’s fault.

Raven loved her best friends, there was no doubt about it.  She loved them enough to be able to acknowledge when they’d fucked up beyond belief.  From everything she had heard from Lexa, Raven could tell that the law intern had really just not thought about the consequences of her actions.  Raven knew better than most what that kind of living did to people.

The aero-mechanical engineering student was brought out of her musings when the front door crashed open and the girl consuming her thoughts fell through the threshold.  Lexa was a sweaty mess, panting and huffing, wide-eyed with clear tear-tracks running down both cheeks.  On a normal day, Raven would have immediately jumped up and made sure everything was okay.  That day, however, there were so many thins running through her own head that Raven was just trying to keep control of herself. 

Raven stayed on the sofa as Lexa went to grab a cup of water and came and collapsed on her love seat.  Brown eyes trailed her movements and studied her as she dropped her head against the back of her seat, looking up at the ceiling and not moving.

Green eyes eventually came down to meet the brown eyes trained on her, full to the brim with tears and bottom lip trembling.  The law intern whimpered slightly, “I fucked up, Rae.  I fucked up so bad.”

Not wanting to allow the girl off the hook again, Raven simply said, “Yea, you did.”

Lexa felt a painful throb in her chest when Raven agreed with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to argue.  She knew that it was true and she knew that she deserved to hear it.  She was ever thankful that her two best friends had been supportive so far, but she had a feeling that it wasn’t going to last. 

“Everything got so fucked up.  It all went to shit and it all happened so fast and I don’t even know how.”

Raven forced herself to stay calm.  “You lost sight, Lexa.  You had a great relationship with an incredible girl and you lost sight of it.  Sure, it can happen to anyone, but the ones who think things are really worth fighting for usually snap themselves out of it.”

Lexa felt like she had been slapped.  She had a feeling that she was going to get quite an earful from her best friend.

“Lexa, I love you.  You know I love you and you know you’re my best friend.  When you first told us what happened, Octavia and I couldn’t really believe that it was true.  We couldn’t believe that you were ever really capable of letting someone like Clarke walk out of your life; and you didn’t just let her walk out, you literally pushed her away yourself.  It’s just, I don’t know, Lexa.  It seems like this whole thing just gets shittier day by day.”

Lexa could feel the tears streaming down her face, not prepared to hear all of this voiced out loud, but knowing she deserved it. 

“The Lexa that we know now is a lot stronger than the old Lexa must have been.  But I don’t know what that really means when it came at the expense of Clarke’s life.”

The breath left the older brunette’s body at that.  A single sob forced its way out of her chest and she could feel her tears come out even harder than before.  The worst thing was that she couldn’t even deny that what Raven was saying was completely correct.

She had been so full of herself, so consumed within her own life, that she had completely neglected to even care about how Clarke was doing.  She had put herself at the front of her mind and had completely neglected her relationship with Clarke except for when it was convenient for her. 

Lexa hadn’t even accepted proper responsibility for it yet.  She had been so busy thinking about what all of these changes had meant for her that she hadn’t really thought about what it meant for Clarke.  Or maybe she wasn’t able to handle that thought. 

She knew that Clarke’s life had gone to beyond shit in the time since they’d been together.  Clarke’s life had become the stuff of horror stories and there was no longer any way Lexa could get away without addressing it. 

In the middle of their musings, Octavia came back through the front door.  They both turned to look at her as she walked in and she gave Raven a big smile and nod.  The young brunette then turned and gave Lexa a slightly more reserved smile. 

They sat in silence for some time, none of them really knowing what to say.  All three flatmates were busy thinking about the blonde that had made such an impact on their lives. 

Lexa spoke up.  “I fucked up, guys.  I know that I’ve been saying that, and I know that you’ve both told me it was okay, but it really wasn’t.  I need to figure out how to fix it.”  Feeling tears well in her eyes once again, the brunette cleared her throat before turning to look at her two best friends.  “I just…I don’t know if I can fix it.  I don’t know if I deserve to even try.”

“I don’t either.”   Octavia and Lexa were both shocked by Raven’s response.

Octavia whispered her name, cautioning her not to be too harsh on the older brunette.

“No, O, we can’t keep playing nice.  She has to hear the truth, and she has to see how ugly the truth really is without any sugarcoating.”  Raven turned to face her flatmate on the love seat, keeping the fire out of her eyes, but not losing any of her conviction.  “You know we love you, Lexa, and nothing can change that.  You’re our best friend and you’re practically our sister.  We’ll always be family and no one can tear us apart.

“But, Legally Brunette, just saying that you’re sorry and that you know you messed up isn’t gonna fix everything that’s happened.  We all know that what you did then was wrong.  You used Clarke like a teddy bear, picking her up off the shelf when you wanted a romantic relationship and putting her back when you wanted to have fun with Costia.  It was fucked up.  You used her history and her past as a means to get her off your back when you were confronted with what you did.  That was beyond fucked up.  It’s going to take more than just a simple apology to move past that.

“You know that and I know that, but Clarke doesn’t know that. Clarke thinks that whatever happened then was her fault and that she did something wrong.  I mean, sure she just left your guys’ apartment without saying anything, but it’s a lot more understandable that she would react like that.  You should have gone after her.  You should have showed her that she was worth fighting for.  You should have showed her that you loved her enough to put her ahead of yourself.

“That girl is so pure, and so fucking good, and she doesn’t know any of it.  She thinks that she’s trash and that she’s not worth anyone’s time because she was never made to believe otherwise.  Her whole life has reinforced that idea in her mind.  She even said this morning that _she_ wasn’t good enough for you to keep.  That’s what she thinks.  That’s what’s been literally beaten into her mind. 

“A simple apology and acceptance of responsibility may bring her back into your life, but it’s not going to fix what happened, Sexy Lexie.  You gotta _prove_ to her what she’s worth.  You gotta show her that she deserves the world and you’re willing to give it to her.  We all know that you would bring the stars to Earth for that girl – we all know that but her, and she’s the one that you have to convince.  She’s the one that actually has to feel like she’s worth more than some cheap fuck and then a crap-ass motel room _if she’s lucky_.  

"Anyone with a medical condition is already going to think they're damaged goods.  Clarke has that shit to deal with on top of everything else.  You're going to have to accept that and bring it into your relationship if you decide to.  You're going to have to deal with it and acknowledge that it will become a part of your life.  You can't let it overpower your relationship, but you also can't let it be some elephant in the room.  You're going to have to make a lot of adjustments and you can't let her feel like a burden.  Trust me, she'll feel like enough of a burden on her own.

“If you don’t think you’ll be able to do it, if you don’t think you can handle all of the baggage and history and weight and terrors that come in the wondrous package that is Sunshine Clarke, then you shouldn’t try.  She deserves the earth, the stars – hell, she deserves the whole damn galaxy, and she deserves someone who’s going to show her that.”

Lexa was sitting frozen, mouth agape and eyes wide open, tears streaming down her face unabashedly.  She had been completely unprepared for all of this, but there was no way the brunette could deny anything her best friend was saying.

Octavia spoke up next, slightly softer than Raven but not without any of the power behind her words.  “She is right, Lexa.  I might have said it with a little bit more tact, but she pretty much said it all.  If you plan on having any sort of relationship with Clarke, be it friendship or romantic, you’re going to have to work insanely hard.  That girl has no reason to believe that people actually want her in their lives and it’s gonna take a-fucking-lot to convince her otherwise.”  Softening her voice and her gaze even further, she said, “You have to let us know what you plan on doing, babe.  Whatever you decide, Raven and I are going to try and keep her in our lives.  We want to make sure that she knows she has a safe place and that she doesn’t actually just giving up one night.” 

Lexa sucked in a breath at that comment.  She flashed back slightly to early that morning when Clarke had been slurring out a huge confession of love for her.  The blonde had gone on and on about how Lexa’s eyes had been the one thing to keep her going, to keep her alive over the years, and the law intern knew that she would never be able to truly make up for what she had done.

Everything Octavia and Raven had said had been completely right.  Everyone had been going to easy on her, allowing her to sit in self-pity and feel guilty without actually doing anything to fix what she had done.  They had coddled her and shielded her from the consequences of her actions and it was time for her to face the music and deal with the circumstances. 

Lexa quickly wiped at the tears still snaking rivers down her face and turned to really look at Raven and Octavia.  If anyone else had said to her what they had said, she would have walked away from them and decided that they weren’t worth keeping in her life.  If she didn’t know them as well as she did, she would have thought that they were assholes with not care about her feelings.

But she did know them.  Lexa knew them as if she had been living with them for her whole life.  She knew that they loved her and that that was the only reason they even thought about saying all that they did.  She knew that they were both sitting on the sofa with baited breath, holding all of their air in their lungs and only giving off looks of confidence.  She knew that they were terrified that they had gone too far and that Lexa was going to want to be done with them.

Allowing a small, sad smile to spread across her face, Lexa studied both brunettes on the sofa.  They were both as scarred as each other and were probably the closest she would ever get to legitimate input on how to help Clarke.  She was going to prove to all of them that she was in this for the real deal.  Whether or not they would have a relationship would be completely up to Clarke, but Lexa was going to make sure she knew that she was worth every bit of her life.

“I love you both so much.” 

Both girls on the sofa released an enormous sigh, allowing the tension to leave their bodies. 

“I know that I’ve done wrong by Clarke, and I know that I’ve done nothing but add to the number of scars she has in her mind, but I really do want to actually fix it.  I want to be able to prove to her that what happened was absolutely not her fault.  I want to be able to prove to her that she deserves everything I could possible give her and then some.  I want to be able to show her how genuinely, completely sorry I am for completely fucking everything up.

“I can’t do that without you two, though.  You’re the only ones who gave me the reality check that I needed, and you’re the only ones who are really going to understand what Clarke’s situation is really like.  I’m going to need you guys to make sure I’m going in the right direction.”  Looking off to the side, thinking on everything that she was going to have to do, Lexa sighed, “I just need her to know that she deserves love more than anyone I know.”

Raven leaned over the side of the sofa, reaching her arm to place her hand on Lexa’s, and offered the brunette a smile when green eyes turned to meet hers.  “We’ll be here for you every step of the way; for both of you.”

Octavia spoke up as well, “Yea we will.  We’re going to get that girl her family back, and we’re going to make sure she knows that we all want her to be a part of it.”

Lexa studied the two brunettes next to her and smiled to herself.  She had never thought that her lives would have ever collided in such a manner, but she found herself grateful that they had.  She knew that she couldn’t undo everything she had done wrong over the years, but she could work to try and rectify some of the things she had so royally messed up. 

With these two girls by her side, there was no doubt in her mind that she would be able to bring Clarke Griffin back into her family; back into the safe place she deserved to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the conversation was okay at the end! I feel like Raven knew that there was a lot that Lexa needed to hear and that none of it could be sugarcoated. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you guys so much for your comments and kudos! You're all so amazing and I'm so glad that your'e enjoying the story :D 
> 
> I hope you all have a fantastic month, and I will be back in August!


	15. The Doctor and the Mechanic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Raven hang out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!! Holy wow I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to post this chapter. I have quite a few plans for where this story is going to go and I'm kind of super excited! I promise to try and get to your comments on previous chapters soon (jet lag is still kicking my ass - 12.5 hour time differences tend to do that). 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has continued to show their support for this story! I had no idea that it would ever get to be this extensive, and I hope it stays solid the rest of the way through. This chapter is significantly shorter than my previous chapters, but I really just wanted to get something up as soon as possible. That means that it's also unedited, so I apologize for any mistakes!
> 
> Again, thank you to everyone who has commented and given kudos. You all make my day!!!

Clarke was out jogging Friday evening when she was interrupted by a phone call.  On one hand, she was not on-call at the hospital and was therefore tempted to ignore the incessant ringing; but knowing that it could be either one of her other employers, she knew she didn’t have the energy to deal with them angry so soon. 

“This is Dr. Griffin.”

“What’s up, Gryffindor?”

A smile crossed the blonde’s face despite her efforts to remain impassive.  Raven’s apparently unending enthusiasm always had the ability to brighten up her mood.

“What can I do for you, Raven?”

“So, Octopus told me that you guys are headed to the gym tomorrow morning.  I decided that that just means you’ll have to have a special day with me – and what better way to do that than to get ice cream?! Amiright?”

Clarke actually chuckled into the phone.  Agreeing a little too easily to the aero-mechanical engineering student’s idea, the blonde could feel a warmth settle in her chest at the excitement in her voice. 

Getting the location from the voice on the other end of the phone, Clarke set off running in that direction.  She might as well finish her run before eating all of the weight back.

Raven was already seated at a table by the time Clarke made her way into the shop.  It was a relatively small shop in the middle of one of the quieter areas of Los Angeles, so it took her some time in finding the place.  Raven didn’t seem to mind, though, and she stood up from her seat to give Clarke a big welcoming hug. 

“Before we get comfy, I want to make sure you’re okay with being here.  I know it’s not Cold Stone and I donno if you’re chill with coming to a new place so we can totally get out of here and go somewhere else if you want.  Really, it legit isn’t an issue at all I mean – “

“Raven! It’s not a problem at all.  I don’t always mind trying new things.”

The smile that crossed the brunette’s face was more than enough to make Clarke okay with her lie.

The truth of the matter was that Clarke was beginning to feel very anxious.  She enjoyed Raven’s company, there was no doubt about it, and she trusted the girl to an extent as well.  However, she had spent so long remaining completely vigilant and hyper aware of her surroundings, knowing that things could go haywire at any moment.  Form her condition to running into people she knew to just any unknown possibility, Clarke had stuck to going to only a handful of places without her car in the recent years.

Raven wasn’t unaware of this, either.  She was able to tell that Clarke was uncomfortable, and she could see that the medical student was trying her best to act fine.  Knowing how desperate the need to feel normal could be, the braced brunette opted to allow the lie and let Clarke lead the way.

Clarke was still not comfortable enough to start the conversation on her own, so Raven went ahead.  “Other than banana ice cream with Reese’s cups, what kind of ice cream do you like?”

Blue eyes shot over to brown, wide and surprised.  They had only ever gone to get ice cream once before, and Clarke hadn’t even been the one to give her order.  She never would have imagined that Raven would remember what she ate.

Raven smiled at the stricken look on her new friend’s face and said that she would treat Clarke herself.

The stress of the last few weeks was certainly taking a toll on the medical intern.  Between work at the hospital, interacting with people outside of work, and everything with Jaha’s people, Clarke was exhausted.  She didn’t even realize that she had completely zoned out until Raven made her way back to their table with two cups of ice cream.

“I wasn’t too sure what to get you, so I got some of my favourites and if you totally hate it that’s chill and we can get another one and I’ll just eat two really and – Hey are you okay?”

Clarke was pulled out of her thoughts when Raven hobbled her way back to the table and sat down without taking a breath between words.  A small smile crossed her lips as the brunette rambled away, and she allowed it to widen when the older girl cut herself off.  “Yea, Raven, I’m fine.”  Turning to the ice cream she said, “So what did you get me?”

Raven allowed the change in topic, “Like I said, I kinda had no idea what you would want from here so I got two of my own favourites.  There’s a Birthday Ice Cream with extra sprinkles and gummy bears and there’s a Cookies & Cream with extra Oreo’s and Reese’s cups.”

The aero-mechanical engineer was stricken when she heard a genuine laugh leave the girl in front of her.  Clarke must have noticed the look on her face because she said, “I love Oreo’s.  If I had a comfort food, it would be Oreo’s.  Your choices are perfect; thank you.”

Raven smiled widely at that.  She didn’t want to admit it, but she had been extremely nervous to mess up this order. 

“Ok so we can chill here for a while and eat or we can go for a walk to a nearby park or something if you want.”

Clarke looked around and saw the crowd in the shop.  Turning to the brunette in front of her she saw that it was essentially going to be completely her decision.  Taking into account the brace on the other girl’s knee, her own injuries, and the fact that she didn’t know the area well, Clarke offered to drive them around.

The medical intern laughed again as they got to the car, amused at the excited look on the older girl’s face.  Sitting in the driver’s seat, Clarke waited a moment before turning the car on.  She could see Raven looking around her interior with wide eyes. 

The mechanic’s attention was caught once again when she felt a slight vibration in her seat and heard a rumble coming from around her.  The car was a beauty and she was more than surprised to see it in such good condition. 

Clarke straight up laughed when Raven closed her eyes and sighed as she turned on the car.  She knew that the car was in fantastic shape and she was glad that Raven was enjoying it.

“How the hell does she sound this badass?!”

The blonde’s smile faltered slightly, but was back almost immediately.  “I had one friend before high school who really liked cars, and we spent a lot of times in his uncle’s garage working on them.  I’ve always had an affinity for fixing them up.”

Raven felt her smile get even wider, “Does this mean that I can talk to you about nerdy car stuff, too?  Because if that’s a yes then Octavia’s going to freak out!”

“You most certainly can try.  I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to keep up with you or not.”

They drove off after that, Clarke taking them to one of her favourite parks.  They kept up a steady stream of conversation about cars the whole way there. Clarke learned that fixing broken things had been a saving grace for both of them in their younger years.  It interested her to understand that it hadn’t really changed; they were making careers out of it now.

Ice cream in hand and easy smiles on their faces, Clarke and Raven made their way to a bench in a secluded part of the park.  Raven probably never would have been able to find the place on her own, but Clarke was a regular at the spot. 

When asked about it, Clarke simply stated that she lived in this park from time to time. 

They went back to silence.

The sun was still out while they sat, blinding them as they sat looking out.  Despite the heat, Raven hadn’t really seen a sight like this before.  Clarke had managed to find a spot at a level high enough that she could see the city on one side, but the open ocean if she turned in the opposite direction.  There was really no question why she loved this spot.

“You know, I’ve never actually brought anyone to any of my spots before.”

It was said with a light enough tone and the smile never really left the blonde’s face, so Raven didn’t think that it was a bad thing. 

They sat in silence for some time, enjoying their ice cream and the view. 

At 7:20, there was a beeping sound that brought them both out of their thoughts.  Raven’s eyes shot over to Clarke as the younger girl quickly grabbed her phone from her pocket.  Turning off her alarm, blue eyes shot over to her bench-mate and gave an apologetic smile. 

As the medical intern reached back into her pocket, Raven understood what the alarm was for.  Clarke’s hand emerged wrapped around her inhaler, shaking it a few times before quickly taking two pumps. 

Getting settled back into the seat, Clarke took a few more bites of her ice cream before finishing the cup.

Raven was the first one to start speaking, “Life sucks ass sometimes, you know?”

Clarke studied Raven silently, allowing her to think whatever she was thinking.  She knew better than most how important it could be to truly understand your thoughts.

It seemed that that was all Raven had to say on that matter in that moment.  They returned to a comfortable silence.

Clarke looked out at the view, trying to gather her own thoughts.  Sundown had always been her very favourite time of day, enjoying the colors that came out of the sky, painting a different image into the vast expanse of space around them, a commonality that everyone shared with very few ever acknowledging it.  It always blew her mind that there were 3.88 million people in all of Los Angeles County and, as a result, 3.88 million worlds in that same space.  It was so very rare to find any person that thought about the fact that every other person around them had a life, and that that life intertwined with their own in some way or other.  They all lived in the same place (in a way), they all breathed the same air, some of them went to the same places at the same time every day.  Everyone got to see the same sky and drive on the same roads, but all of their perceptions of these things were completely different. 

The sky was a symbol of unity for everyone under its veil.  It was a shroud that kept all of humankind under its cover and allowed them to survive and flourish.  Throughout the day, it provided a single, unwavering beam of light that guided the way for everyone who saw it.  At dawn and dusk the sky was painted with colors that were unimaginable by a mere human, colors that changed with every new day.  The people that the colors were for, though, tended to ignore them and brush them to the side.  People nowadays seemed too busy to appreciate the beauty the world provided them.

Nighttime held its own world of elegance.  As the sun left, the moon would come out in its place, offering a completely different kind of guidance for the world under it.  The stars around the moon were never ending as well – lights from trillions of miles away, most likely already dead stars leaving remnants of themselves for the people of Earth to admire. 

Clarke was brought out of her thoughts by a gasp from next to her.  She immediately tensed, ready to flee and protect as soon as she saw any sign of disturbance to her new friend.  Searching the mechanic’s face, though, she didn’t see any sign of discomfort.

Raven was looking out, staring intently at the sun as it made its final journey over the horizon, leaving an array of colors across the sky reflected in the glistening surface of the ocean. 

As the sun went away and the light started to fade, the scene on the other side of the park started to change as well.  The night view of the city emerged, with lights from buildings and billboards emerging.  The disparity between the two visions was not lost on either girl, nor was the beauty.

“Life is trippy.”

It was a simple statement, but there was a lot of weight behind it.  Clarke looked over at Raven, curious to see where the brunette was going to go with it.

“Shit happens and you usually don’t see it coming but, like, once it happens you don’t have a choice but to deal with it.  It’s just trippy.”

Clarke merely nodded, opting to let Raven think and speak as she wished. 

Raven opted to go back to small talk.

“Yo! So I had a car come in the other day…”

They talked about their respective careers for a while.  Raven told Clarke all about what it was like working with Tesla, and Clarke told Raven about some of her less graphic patient stories.  Working in East LA, however, didn’t leave much room for family-friendly hospital stories.  Clarke was essentially working in the crime hub of Los Angeles.

As Clarke was getting finished with a story about a kid that came in with an ear infection that went into his brain, Raven took a moment to really study her face.  She had almost never seen anyone be as passionate and driven when talking about what they do.  Octavia definitely was interested in psychology, and she always got excited whenever she was talking about different conditions.  Lexa was in love with law, and she was always interested in her own terminology; but never had Raven seen anyone get so animated when talking about the application of their interests. 

Most people burned out of whatever they did for a living.  Once they had to apply it all practically, it lost its charm.  These stories and experiences were Clarke’s very life source, though, and it was a beautiful thing for Raven to see.

The smile that slowly crossed the aero-mechanical engineer’s face caused Clarke to trail off her story.  Looking into brown eyes, the medical student could tell that Raven was essentially zoned out because there was no way she would be so happy hearing about the potential brain damage caused by this ear infection, or the tubes that had to be inserted into the kid’s heart to deal with it. 

“I really love hearing you talk about your time at the hospital.”

A surprised laugh burst out of Clarke’s chest, caught completely off guard by the statement.

Raven blushed, not expecting to actually say that out loud.  Never one to get embarrassed, however, she went with it, “No really! Like, you get so excited about it and you’re already so pretty and then you get even more pretty and I like it.”

Clarke was full on laughing at this point, and Raven could feel herself start as well.

“I’ll make sure to bring you stories whenever I can,” Clarke chuckled.

They looked back out into the distance as a silence fell over them once again. 

Raven spoke up again, “I know we were assholes to you that first time we met, but I’m really glad we ran into you.”

Clarke smiled back at her, studying the brunette’s profile as she looked out into the distance.  This would be the ideal moment to get a sketch of the older girl. 

It was really rare to get this kind of an expression on anyone’s face.  Of course, people could look peaceful and content anywhere (if they were in their element), but the kind of serenity that crossed anyone’s face when they’ve been completely pulled out of the hustle and bustle of daily life to see the world from a new, quiet, calm perspective was something else entirely.

Brown eyes turned to meet blue, pulling the blonde out of her reverie.  Raven’s face split into a smile and Clarke didn’t stop herself from returning it.

The blonde’s smile was cut off slightly by a grimace crossing her features.  Trying to be subtle, she looked back out and ran her right hand through her hair, pressing against her temple slightly.  She got random stabbing pains that seared through her head from time to time, and of-fucking-course one would come at that precise moment.

Raven’s smile dimmed slightly as well, knowing exactly what was happening.  She placed her hand on Clarke’s knee softly, hoping to provide a soft tether to reality as she got the younger girl’s attention back.

Clarke jolted at the contact, not prepared to feel anyone just then. 

Raven offered her a soft smile before speaking, “How’s the pain?  Do you need anything?”

The medical student was determined not to let this thing ruin their night so she brushed it off.  The pain wasn’t anything new to her and there was really nothing she could do about it anyways.

She could see that the older girl still had something she wanted to say, but she was holding it back.  Remembering her resolve to try and become friendly with the two newest brunettes in her life, Clarke told Raven to ask any questions she wanted to.

“How bad is the pain right now?”

Once again, Clarke was shocked that the older girl had gone with such a simple question.  Knowing Raven, though, it wasn’t too unexpected.  The braced girl had a knack for being overly accommodating.

“It’s not there anymore.  It comes and goes randomly, but it’s rather manageable when I’ve been good about my inhaler.”

Raven hummed in understanding. 

They returned to silence once again.

Clarke thought back on everything that had happened since she met the girl sitting on the bench next to her.  She had been convinced that she would never feel the need to get involved with anyone else again.  The reserved blonde was beginning to believe that that might not be necessary.  She found herself thinking about hanging out with Raven and Octavia and everyone else outside of work.

(She tried to avoid thinking about Lexa.)

Looking back at Raven, remembering her decision to try trusting these brunettes, she said, “How is your leg doing?”

The aero-mechanical engineer looked over at the girl next to her.  It was very rare for her to ever initiate serious conversations.  Despite attempts to not get her hopes up, Raven couldn’t help but think that maybe things would change between them.

“It bugs me from time to time but, like you said, if I’m good with my exercises and stuff it doesn’t bitch too much.”

Clarke nodded.  Her eyes trailed down to Raven’s brace and she couldn’t stop herself from feeling a bout of empathy at the vision.  The older brunette was so full of life and had such a boisterous personality, she didn’t deserve to have something like this weighing her down.  She deserved the opportunities to go out and do every possible thing she could in life. 

Raven could see the look in blue eyes; it was a look she recognized.  She was used to getting pity glances from people on the street, but there was something different in the way Clarke was looking at her.  Clarke had a sense on familiarity in her gaze – probably thinking about her own condition in tandem to Raven’s.

“My birth mom was never really a mom.”  Clarke’s head shot up as Raven started speaking.  “From as early on as I can remember, she was more interested in her bottles and her drugs than she was in her kid.  She would have whatever guys over to the house that she needed in order to get a supply of whatever narc she was shooting up or snorting.  I ended up putting myself through school and finding old clothes in the lost & found at school to at least look like I was getting new clothes.”

Raven looked off into the distance, not really focusing on anything as she recounted her past.  It wasn’t something she liked to think about often, but she was more than willing to go back to that time to make Clarke even the slightest bit more comfortable.

“I never asked straight up, but I’m pretty sure she ended up selling herself to get a hold of her next fix.  When I was in eighth grade, I came home from school one day and she had a couple of guys there waiting for me.  She wanted them to use me so she could get more than her usual amount of what-the-fuck-ever.  I was 13 at the time.”  Raven felt Clarke’s hand on her knee, squeezing slightly to offer some form of comfort.  The brunette turned to the smaller girl and offered her a small smile, trying to convey that she was still okay.  “It wasn’t totally terrible, I guess.  I spent a little time in foster care, but that was shit so I ditched it.  I spent some time crashing at the school building, and then some time staying in people’s houses whenever their parents were out of town.  Eventually I got a hold of a car –  that you saw and loved, according to my Octopus – and started living in that. 

I was almost 18 by the time I met Octavia, and my mom hadn’t even bothered trying to find me.  I was 19 by the time I moved onto Bellamy’s couch with them. 

“When I was 23, I was driving out from work to meet Octavia and Lexa and everyone for drinks.  I had to stay late to work on a project and decided not to stop by home first.  I was almost there and going through an intersection when a drunken shitbag ran through his red light and rammed into my side of the car.  He hit behind my seat, though, so I didn’t get the immediate force of the collision.  A piece of the door broke off and lodged in my spine and, voila, I lost function in my lower right side.  I wasn’t supposed to be able to walk at all, but with the magic of medicine and hella hardcore PT, I’ve made it work.”

Looking back at the medical student next to her, Raven smiled contritely.  “So that’s my handicap story as well as my main reason for not drinking that much.  I’ve seen all too well how alcohol can fuck up people’s lives, and I’m not interested in getting into that.”

Clarke studied Raven’s face, trying to see if there was any discomfort from having to relive that story.  Seeing none, she decided that she would have to show some sort of solidarity so she slowly raised her hand.  The quiet girl had no idea if she was going in for a hug or a caress of the face or what, but she knew that she was moving and had to come up with something soon.  Before she knew it she had placed her hand on Raven’s shoulder, patting it awkwardly.

Raven could feel the confusion rolling off of Clarke in waves, more than aware of the fact that this was probably the first time the tortured blonde had initiated any sort of comforting contact with anyone in years.  Feeling the broken pats on her shoulder and seeing the slightly terrified look in blue eyes, Raven felt laughter bubble up her throat and out of her mouth.

Some of the tension left Clarke’s body as she saw Raven laughing normally.  That meant the other girl wasn’t hurt by the memories she had to relive.  The medical student calmed down a little and her smile widened. 

After a few minutes of silence once again, Raven decided to take a leap and ask her own question. 

“How are you doing after last weekend?”

Blue eyes shot over to brown immediately.  Clarke had hoped that nothing about that night would come up again, praying to forces she didn’t believe in that Raven and her friends would have forgotten about it. 

Her silence must have lasted longer than she thought because Raven spoke up once again, “I mean, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.  I just asked ‘cause I wanted to make sure you’re alright but, like, I know you can handle yourself so I don’t want to imply otherwise, but I know that life can get shitty and if you wanted to talk about it I’m chill to listen and, you know, I guess you don’t – “

“Raven, please.  It’s fine.”

She was laughing.  It took Raven a second to see it, but Clarke was laughing.  Okay so it wasn’t too bad.  Maybe she didn’t fuck up.

“I appreciate the concern.  Really, I do.”  The smile visible in blue eyes seemed to but the older girl even further at ease. 

Clarke took a deep breath, grasping her inhaler and steeling herself to talk about this.  “Everything is fine for now.  I’ve been at the hospital almost the whole time since I left your guys’ apartment, so I have been able to handle everything.”

“Did you get super hurt that night?  I didn’t really get a chance to check how you were doing.”

Clarke looked at Raven and saw the guilt in her eyes.  She placed a hand on Raven’s, seeing the way they were wringing together.  Brown eyes flicked up, barely meeting blue but still seeing the smile in them.

“I promise you, this is not the worst that I’ve ever had.  I know that’s not entirely reassuring, but I just want you to know that I was able to handle myself just fine.  And please please please do not feel guilty for not being able to ‘check in with me’.  You have absolutely no responsibility to take care of me and I don’t want you to think that you have to feel that way.

“If anything, I wanted to apologize for showing up in your home the way I did.  I invaded your space completely unannounced, at some ungodly time of the night, and made an absolute mess.  I’m so terribly sorry that I left you to clean that up by yourselves and I – “

“Clarke, please.  If I don’t get to think that I should’ve done more for you then you sure as hell don’t get to say that you inconvenienced us.  I can’t even tell you how happy we were that you thought you could come to us with something like that.  I know how hard it must have been for you to make your way over, but I’m very happy that you did.”

The medical intern kept her eyes trained on the girl next to her.  She was unable to detect any sort of deceit in her face, and it didn’t help at all.  Clarke was still holding on to some sort of hope that these girls would back off from her and realize that she was too much to have in their lives.  She would much rather have them tear through her life now than even further down the line, seeing as they had already managed to get under her skin and somehow start to break down her defenses.  It would be damn hard to get them back up if they were to come down completely.

She had to remind herself, though, that she had promised herself and Octavia that she would try and trust them.

“I’ve been really tired.”  Raven kept her eyes on Clarke’s face, even as the young blonde turned away.  She watched for any small hints, any Easter Eggs of information that Clarke might let fall through her mask.  “It’s been a long week and that didn’t help at all.” 

The mechanic watched the girl next to her, debating whether or not to push for information.  On one hand, she didn’t want to make Clarke uncomfortable and think that she was going to be interrogated every time they hung out together.  On the other hand, however, Raven had noticed that, with a little prompting, Clarke was open to conversation.  If she asked the questions right, the reserved blonde would answer in whatever clipped, secretive manner she did.

“How about your head?  Lexa explained that sometimes brain injuries can lead to someone having seizures.  How are you doing with that?”

“I’m fine.  I’m used to the effects and I know how to handle the aftermath at this point.  It didn’t take too long to get over it.”

Raven watched Clarke as she gave a clipped answer.  The way the girl talked about it, she could have been talking about some paper cut that she got doing paperwork.  Despite her significant lack of knowledge in medical conditions, even Raven knew that seizures aren’t something you just “get over”. 

Golden brown eyes looked back out into the distance, once again taking stock of the dichotomy presented before her.  She was looking at a single sky, one world blanketed by the same empty space, yet there were such different images painted across the canvas. 

Thinking once again of the girl next to her, Raven was sparked with memories of the last time they had seen her.  The haunted blonde had talked about the horrors of her life so nonchalantly and so casually –  as if they were everyday things that happened to everybody. 

Raven knew that everybody had different coping mechanisms as well, though.  Some people went crazy at the gym, some people studied like nerds, some people worked and worked and worked, and some people – well some people bottled everything up and acted as if nothing was wrong.  Some people took all the blame on themselves and decided that they were the only ones they could punish.  Clarke was one of the last people, and the bodacious brunette didn’t like it.  If there was anyone that deserved all the good in the world, it was Clarke. 

She knew she would have to tread carefully, though.  If Raven wanted to talk to Clarke about anything serious she would have to plan it out and take herself through it with extreme caution.  Knowing that and keeping it in the back of her mind, she started speaking.

“Look, Clarkalicious,” Clarke’s head shot back to see deep, brown eyes staring right into hers, “I don’t know shit, okay?  I’ve lived my life and, while it sucked from time to time, I didn’t have to go through the really bad things.  I do know what it’s like to hate everything, though.  I’ve been at that point before where I thought that it’s not really worth it to keep going, or that it’s really just a waste of time and energy for myself and everyone around me.  It can be so fucking tempting to just end everything and move on.”  Raven refocused her eyes on the girl in front of her, realizing suddenly that she had zoned out in memories she didn’t want to relive.  “And it sucks because everyone has the same advice for someone like that: ‘you’ll regret it right before it happens’, or ‘think about the people you’re leaving behind’ or ‘there’s so much to live for still’ or any other cliché bullshit they can come up with.

“That’s not always enough, though.  Sometimes it’s just so fucking tempting to leave and that kind of BS just makes it even more appealing.  I know the last thing I wanted at that time was to be told what to think or what I would feel like.”

Remembering her note to not go overboard, Raven realized that she was probably rambling.  She shut herself up for a second and looked down, placing her hand on the bench between the two of them, barely touching her pinky with Clarke’s.  Knowing the other girl might be unwelcoming of physical contact, she wanted to keep her physicality to a minimum but still have a connection. 

“I’m rambling now.  The point is, Central Clarke, I don’t wanna tell you what to do, and I don’t wanna tell you how to feel.  I just wanna let you know that if you ever feel like that, I do want you to hit me up.  None of us would ever want you to feel uncomfortable, so if you don’t want to that’s totally chill; but we don’t want to lose you.  We literally only just got you in our lives and we don’t want to have to say ‘bye’ so soon.  I’m going to make a request to you once and then never bring it up again unless you want to talk about it: if you ever feel the need to end everything, or if you feel like your life is getting too overwhelming, give me a call or show up at work or knock down my door or literally anything and I will be more than happy to drop everything and chill with you.  I’ll take literally any excuse to stop being productive and what better way than to hang out with someone I love, right?”

Clarke’s breath caught in her throat.  It had been so long since she had heard anyone say they loved her.  She had been beaten and broken and conditioned to believe that she was unlovable and disgusting.  It would be almost an insult to not trust Raven, though.  Her face had such a look of sincerity written across it, golden eyes showing just how much she actually meant what she was saying. 

Blue eyes remained trained on Raven’s face, steeling the walls built to protect herself from her emotions.  The tortured girl wasn’t quite prepared to handle all of the emotions her newest friend’s speech had brought up, but she didn’t want to completely dismiss it either.  She nodded slightly, moving her hand over just a little bit to rest atop the mechanic’s. 

The calloused hand wrapped itself around Clarke’s and she was rewarded with a smile so bright and powerful that it bore a crack into the medical student’s newly fortified defenses.

The two girls turned back to small talk for a few minutes before both of their phones started beeping.  It was 8:50 and they both had medication to take at 9:00 PM. 

Looking at each other sheepishly, the both girls stood up and stretched, slightly tense from sitting on that same bench for a little over two hours.  They made their way to Clarke’s car and back to the apartment. 

Forcing herself to let the blonde leave by herself, knowing that she would most likely spend the night by herself in her car somewhere, Raven made her way into the apartment building and to the elevator.  Reaching her floor, the mechanic walked to her door and unlocked it.  Pushing it open, she felt some of the tiredness to seep into herself and lost the energy to remain standing with perfect posture. 

Eyes drooping down, the braced girl slugged her way to her room to change before collapsing back on her bed. 

The door to her room was slowly pushed open, a head peeking through the crack between the frame and door. 

“What’s up, bitch?”

Octavia rolled her eyes before slamming the door open.  “Where the hell were you?  I thought you would be home hours ago.”

“I went out for ice cream.”  The younger brunette gasped, hand over her heart and mouth exaggeratedly agape as if it was completely unbelievable that Raven would have gone out for ice cream without her.  “With Clarke.”

The exasperated look on Octavia’s face was replaced with one of genuine surprise. 

“That girl is so pure holy fuck.”

Octavia offered her a sad smile, knowing that Raven had a special soft spot for the girl and her history.  She laid down on the bed next to the older girl, staring up at the ceiling and waiting for her to say whatever she had to say.

“You know we have to make sure she knows we love her now, right?  I said that word to her tonight and she froze.  We already know she thinks she’s unlovable – and everything else she’s carved into herself – but this might be the first one I want to help her with.”

Octavia turned her head to the side, studying Raven’s profile.  She could see the strong set of her jaw and the light sheen building in her eyes.  No one else would be able to notice these things, but Octavia knew Raven better than anyone else. 

No one else would have remembered the small things that Clarke had mentioned so many months ago, either, but Raven had remembered every word of her stories.  If anyone could help teach that girl about love again, Raven would definitely be that person. 

She slowly reached her hand over and intertwined their fingers.  Raven’s head turned so she was looking back at Octavia, brown eyes meeting blue with a current.  The first tear made its way to Raven’s eyelid and over the threshold, streaking a line over the ridge of her nose and across her forehead. 

Leaning forward slightly, Octavia placed a small kiss on the mechanic’s forehead, wiping away the tear in the process.  Knowing the wounds that were sure to have opened in the braced brunette’s heart, the psychology major curled up next to the older girl, placing her head on Raven’s chest. 

They lay like that, silent but together, until their heartbeats synced up.  Octavia waited until she could feel Raven’s breaths even out until she settled in completely.  Placing one more kiss wherever her lips reached, Octavia settled in closer before closing her eyes and letting sleep take over her own mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was that. I really just love the relationship that Clarke has with everybody and I'm hoping to explore that between now and the end. I also love the idea that Raven comes up with random nicknames for everybody every ten seconds. I suck at making nicknames, though, so I'm working on that lol. I hope it didn't totally suck. 
> 
> Also, I read through the story all the way through on my way back and I realized that I'm not really happy with the beginning. I've started rewriting the first few chapters so that they flow a little better and to fix some grammar things. If I were to edit those and repost them, would anyone be interested in rereading the story? I know it'll be tedious to read again and I'm sorry for that, but I feel like it might help with the plot development. Drop me a comment and let me know what you think! 
> 
> Double also! If anyone's interested in seeing any pictures from the trip, I'll be posting some on Tumblr soon! I'm not a fan of taking pictures of myself so I don't know if I'll be able to scrounge up many of those, but there's tons of beautiful scenery and and just really cool experiences. My tumblr is: theysaythejobisjinxed if anyone would be interested in seeing those.


	16. Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke go out for a (much overdue) birthday lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I have no excuse for how long this took to get up. My sister ended up in the hospital and then there's been a ton of drama in my community between certain people and our city council and everything's a mess. 
> 
> I really am so sorry that this is two weeks late. I hope beyond hope that the rest of the story will be up appropriately, but school is also kicking my ass so that might be a problem now. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your comments and kudos! You really do keep me motivated to keep writing! 
> 
> I'm not too happy with the very last few paragraphs, but I hope it's not too shabby. I really hope it's worth the (inexcusably) long wait!

The nurses watched as the woman walked back and forth in front of the hospital entrance.  She had been there for a while and they were almost tempted to call security. 

The woman eventually walked up to their desk, and the nurses immediately calmed down.  Maybe it was the way she carried herself – exuding power and confidence – or the way she looked – strong and otherworldly – or the way she spoke – with a regality and control none of them had ever experienced before – but they were immediately put at ease.

So when she asked them to page Dr. Griffin, they didn’t hesitate.

If her nerves hadn’t been making a mush of her insides, Lexa would have laughed at the nurses.  She had been told many times that she had a charm like no other, and it seemed that, even while freaking out, Lexa was extremely charismatic.  One nurse in particular had been giving Lexa the most unbelievable sex eyes since she walked in, but the law intern’s mind was preoccupied by a blue-eyed blonde doctor somewhere else in the building.

Lexa’s attention was caught when another figure walked up to the desk and froze.  Her head turned and green eyes locked with blue and everything melted away. 

The figure before her was dressed in the most mundane, dirty scrubs she had ever seen, with blonde hair in a messy ponytail atop her head – but Lexa couldn’t remember seeing anything so beautiful before.

As soon as blue eyes fell upon the person standing at the counter, Clarke lost the ability to think.  Lexa was standing before her in a charcoal grey suit that should have been illegal.  The blonde knew that Lexa was in shape from the times that she had seen the law intern in the last many months, but this suit showed it off in so many new ways. 

Grey pants clung to toned legs as if painted on.  Clarke refused to openly ogle the brunette’s backside, but she had no doubt that that would also be perfect.  She was wearing a dark blue shirt that rivaled the intensity of the night sky, tucked deep into her pants and accentuating the grey blazer she wore over it, both pulled over her shoulders and around her arms to show off just how solid she was, looking as though she had been made to imitate Roman statues, chiseled to depict the perfection of the gods.

The sound of a stack of papers falling on the counter next to them pulled them both out of their internal reveries, suddenly being pulled back to the world around them.  Clarke’s head whipped back to the nurses standing next to her, face once again a mask of complete professionalism. 

“I was paged here.  Is there a chart I need to look at?”

The nurse with the sex eyes – Harper – said, “Tall, Dark, and Handsome here asked us to call you, actually.”

“Do you make a habit of paging doctors for every stranger that walks in, Nurse Cox?”

The nurses looked appropriately abashed.  None of the nurses would have seen it, but Lexa definitely saw the slight softening of Clarke’s features.  The blonde shook her head and chuckled under her breath at the sheepish nurses behind the desk before putting the folder in her hand down in the bin and turning to face Lexa once more.

“Is there something you needed, Lexa?”

The brunette’s breath caught in her throat once more at hearing Clarke say her name.  She didn’t think she would ever get used to being able to hear it once again.

Seeing a tired eyebrow quirk upwards, the law intern realized that she had been silent for longer than she had intended.  “Oh!  Yea, actually.  Octavia told me that you get off work at 2 today and I was wondering if you would be completely against the idea of grabbing lunch…?”

If Clarke wasn’t so damn guarded, she would have found the other girl’s flustered speech endearing.  However, she wasn’t prepared to allow herself to feel anything – especially in front of her coworkers – so she merely studied her ex-girlfriend’s face.

“I have an appointment in the evening, but I might be able to get away for a little bit.  I’ll need a few minutes to be done here.”

“That’s fine!” the law intern said with more enthusiasm that was probably appropriate.  “Whenever you’re free works for me; I don’t want to rush you or anything.  I’ll just, uh, I’ll meet you out there when you’re done.”

Clarke watched as the brunette bumped and bumbled her way out of the hospital, easily bumping into a few people and a cart.  It had been so long since the medical student had been with her ex-girlfriend by herself and she had no idea why she agreed to this meal.

“So, Dr. Griffin, is this a special someone we should know about?”

The glare shot their way was more than enough to shut the nurses up. 

Having changed out of her scrubs, Clarke made her way out of the hospital.  She saw Lexa standing on the side, leaning against the wall and waiting for her.

As soon as the door opened, Lexa pushed off the wall.  Her breath caught once again when she saw Clarke.  The medical student looked more haggard than Lexa had seen her in a long time, but it wasn’t a miserable kind of tired.  She was dressed in well-fitted jeans and a simple purple and black flannel shirt.  The sleeves were rolled up to just under Clarke’s elbows, showing off the watch on her right hand. 

The law intern was brought out of her stupor by the sound of a clearing throat.  She hadn’t actually realized that Clarke had somehow made it to standing right in front of her while Lexa was too busy absorbing the fact that the younger blonde was actually there.

“Oh!  Right.  Sorry.”  Lexa fumbled slightly, not knowing what to say or what to do with herself.  Wringing her hands together she said, “Do you have anything in particular that you would be interested in eating right now?  I have a feeling a fancy sit-down restaurant is probably a little much for just getting off such a long shift.”

Blue eyes studied the brunette before them, silently taking in everything about the other girl.  After a few moments of continued silence, Lexa spoke up once again: “Well, how would you feel about just sitting in the car until we decide what we want to do?”

Clarke merely nodded, following the law student to her car before stopping at the back.  She didn’t know if she was quite ready to get in the car at that point.  It was stupid, she knew, that she would feel such a connection to a car that she had only ever seen in real life once; but she and Lexa had dreamt about this car together for so long that she felt like there were still abstract memories all around it, dreams that had kept her motivated to stay alive for so many years that she was slowly losing her hold over.

Lexa stood by her own open door, silently observing the girl behind her.  The younger student was standing stock still, not moving a thing other than her eyes.  Clarke seemed to be taking in every little detail of the car before her. Lexa herself ran her eyes over it briefly, realizing easily what must have caused Clarke’s freeze.

Memories not dissimilar from Clarke’s ran through Lexa’s head whenever she let herself really look at the car.  Images that they had created between themselves, ideas brought to life in their heads while they lay together on their bed, sharing space and breath and life and love. 

The memories were enough to poke the scabbed-over wound that was ever present on Lexa’s heart; she had a feeling that Clarke’s emotions in that moment were causing her significantly more trouble than Lexa’s were causing her.

Shutting the door softly, Lexa made her way over to where the blonde was still standing frozen, “Clarke, if you’d feel more comfortable walking somewhere, that’s more than fine as well.  There’s plenty that we can do in this area.”

Clarke’s head shot over to see Lexa standing right next to her.  She hadn’t noticed when it had happened, but she didn’t know whether to be comforted by her presence or put off by the proximity. 

Blue eyes studied the law student’s face, trying to grasp whether or not she was being completely genuine in her offer to stay in the area.  Clarke was still unused to people ever asking her what she was comfortable with doing. 

Realizing that her ex-girlfriend was probably well out of her comfort zone, Lexa offered her a small smile and locked her car.  The beep seemed to break Clarke out of her trance and the quick flash of fear on her face did not go unnoticed by the older brunette.  She wanted nothing more than to be able to reach her hand out and grasp the younger girl’s, but she had no idea what the blonde would be okay with.  Lexa knew from the beginning that Clarke probably wouldn’t have wanted to go out with her, and it didn’t surprise her that she might have only agreed because she didn’t know how to refuse.  The last thing Lexa wanted was to make Clarke feel even more out of control.

“Come, Clarke.  It’s a beautiful day for a walk.”

The two set out on foot.  As they made it out of the parking lot and into the sun, they stayed close enough together that they would be reassured of each other’s presence.  Eventually, however, Clarke’s hand brushed against Lexa’s and both girl’s felt the contact send shivers up their arms.  Lexa’s head turned to the side to see nothing but tension all through Clarke’s features.

They walked separately.

Lexa steered them to a small burger place in the middle of a shopping outlet area.  It was just after the lunch rush for that Sunday, so the whole complex was relatively empty. 

Clarke and Lexa found a booth towards the back of the joint.  Lexa waited a minute for Clarke to decide where she wanted to sit, and she was not surprised when the tortured blonde picked the seat against the corner wall, allowing her to see the entire room around her. 

They sat in silence for some time, simply trying to gather their thoughts.  It had been five years since they had been out together anywhere, and even for that last year together they didn’t do much together out of their apartment.  The space that had grown between them back then was suffocating them even until that day. 

It didn’t help that it was five years and one day to the day that Clarke had left.  Lexa had contemplated contacting Clarke the previous day, but knowing that she was out with Octavia and then had work, the law intern didn’t want to bother the younger girl.

If she was being completely honest, however, Lexa would be able to admit that she was too nervous to actually send a message.  She knew for a fact that, if she showed up at Clarke’s place of work, she would have no choice but to talk to her. 

Both girls were zoned out, thinking about things going through their minds a-mile-a-minute, when a server came to their table.  He eyed the two girls carefully before making his way over, noting how they sat stiffly in complete silence.  Standing next to them, there was no way to deny that they had some sort of charged air between them, and he could only pray that there was no confrontation.  His shift was almost over and he didn’t know if he would have the energy to deal with any shit.

“What can I get for you ladies today?”

Clarke was pulled out of her musings by a deep voice right next to her.  She wasn’t expecting anyone to be there and jumped up off the seat.  Landing back down, she had pushed herself further into the corner and clenched her hands in front of her.  Almost immediately, she felt a soft hand cover her own and blue eyes shot in that direction.

Lexa kept her gaze on Clarke’s face, watching emotions flicker across her features.  She placed her hand over the fist clenched on the table and hoped that the contact would help calm the girl down.  She had no idea what sort of horrors were playing through the blonde’s mind, but she was more than 100% positive that they were absolute terrors.

“It’s okay, Clarke; you’re okay.  I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.  You’re safe.”

The law intern kept whispering quiet reassurances, hoping her ex-girlfriend would hear what she was saying and believe her.  She was vaguely aware of the waiter backing away from the table and going back to the counter.  Not wanting to take too much attention away from the blonde quivering before her, Lexa didn’t think anything of it yet.

Clarke kept her gaze locked on green eyes, allowing the color to comfort her racing thoughts.  She could hear words being spoken, and she could almost think that someone was speaking to her, but nothing was making it through the storm in her mind.  The medical student could see the brunette’s lips moving, plump and luscious, beautiful and downturned to match the concern dancing across her face. 

The one thing completely tethering Clarke to reality was the feeling of warmth on her hand.  She could feel the tension across the back of her fist, running all the way up the muscle to her elbow.  The warmth wasn’t coming from her own fist, but another hand wrapped around her own.  Clarke knew that hand, too – almost better than she would know her own hand. 

There had been so many hands to touch her over the years.  Clarke had absolutely no reason to believe any longer that her body was actually hers.  She had been touched and beaten and caressed and bloodied and thrown around so much, she wasn’t even sure she was alive half the time.  The hand on her now, though, touched her in a way she forgot even existed.  This hand touched her in a way that could make her feel as though she deserved it.  As though its owner wasn’t going to use that same hand to try and tear another hole into her psyche.

The skin was soft and warm, comforting to feel and almost pleasant to be under.  Clarke had almost no idea what to really think of it.  She wanted to think that it would be okay, that she could trust this hand, but she was hard pressed to let the feeling break through her defenses.

Once the first little crack in her reserve showed up, her own protection reared its ugly head.  All of a sudden, she was no longer in this burger place being comforted by her ex-girlfriend – no, she was back in their apartment, five years younger and far less tortured, being told by the woman she loved to “ _just get over it already”._   

That voice echoed through her head and she clenched her eyes shut.  Clarke had no way to get it out of her head on her own and, without realizing it, started pressing it harder and harder against the corner of the booth behind her. 

As soon as Lexa saw Clarke start tapping her head against the booth, she was up and out of her seat, rounding the table and scooting in next to the blonde.  She grabbed both of the medical student’s hands and brought them up to her chest, holding them tightly against the blonde’s body.  Lexa held them there with her left hand while her right came up and gently cupped Clarke’s face, touching her as gently as possible but strong enough to turn her head and bring blue eyes to meet her own. 

Blue eyes met green and all movement stopped cold.  Clarke stared at Lexa’s face with her eyes wide open and jaw hanging down.  Lexa could see the turmoil hiding deep within, a fire raging behind the shrouded ocean, and was at a loss.  The brunette no longer had all the tools necessary to help the younger girl at her disposal. 

Giving her a small smile, Lexa slowly eased her grip off of Clarke’s arms and allowed her body to relax a little bit.  As she did so, she was speaking: “You’re okay, Clarke.  I promise you, nothing will happen.  I’ve got you; you’re safe.”

As soon as Lexa’s hands were off of Clarke, the younger blonde started breathing heavily again.  Her pupils dilated even further and her chest started expanding rapidly.  Not stopping to think, Lexa quickly leaned forward and pressed her lips to the blonde’s forehead.

She could taste the sweat under her lips, smell the shampoo in her hair, and feel the skin against her own face.  She kept her hand on Clarke’s cheek, softly soothing her thumb over the skin there. 

Lexa rested her nose against the girl’s forehead after a moment and pressed a kiss into a blonde hairline before barely whispering, “I’m here, Princess.  No one can hurt you.”

The law intern pulled back slightly at the whimper that was released from the mouth so close to her own.  She moved even further to create more of a distance, allowing Clarke some space once again. 

Clarke’s eyes were screwed shut at that point and, as soon as blue orbs were revealed to the older brunette once again, Lexa felt her heart throb.  There was a sheen of tears teetering on the edge of Clarke’s eyelids, barely held back by whatever walls the haunted girl had managed to keep up. 

Lexa allowed herself to rest against the seat fully, pulling her body away from Clarke’s completely, when she heard the medical student clear her throat.  Blue eyes finally tore themselves away from the forest within green ones as Clarke looked around to survey the rest of the restaurant.  The few other patrons that were actually in the joint with them were on the other side and didn’t seem to be paying them any mind.  The servers behind the counter, however, were another story. 

The male server had gone back to the counter after leaving Clarke and Lexa’s table and walked up to the girl working the floor with him.

“Hey, I think you should take that table.”

Niylah turned her head and gave John the most exasperated look.  While he was on the verge of finishing her shift, Niylah had just started hers.  Neither one of them was quite eager to take a table that could cause problems.  “Just because you don’t want to deal with the awkwardness doesn’t mean that I have to do it for you.  I mean – “

“No, Niy, it’s not awkwardness.  I don’t know if they’re…comfortable with me being their server.”  At the quirked eyebrow he got in response, Murphy rolled his eyes and said, “Look, I walked over there and the blonde practically jumped out of her seat.  I don’t know how okay she is with me being there.”

“Murphy, just because you startled the girl doesn’t mean she can’t stand you.  Just go and do your job.”

“Dammit, Niylah, I don’t care if she doesn’t like me.  I just know what a fucking victim looks like when I see one, okay?”

Seeing the way Murphy’s shoulders seemed to square themselves into an even more defensive stance, Niylah lost some of the fight in herself.  She looked back towards the table as she heard some commotion and saw the blonde John was talking about in the corner.  The brunette had made her way around the table and was currently trying to soothe her.

Niylah turned back to Murphy, soft eyes falling on the way he was looking off into the distance.  It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together and figure out where the other waiter was coming from.  He always acted like an absolute asshole, but she realized now that he actually did care about other people.  She would have to talk to him about that later.

The dirty blonde turned her head to look at the table once more and saw both of its occupants looking their way.  Giving John a small pat on his arm, she walked past him and made her way to their table. 

As Niylah approached the two girls, she noticed them spread a bit of distance between themselves, but their hands remained clasped together.  The next thing she noticed was the electric blue eyes trained on her face, and she felt the breath leave her body.  She had never seen eyes that colour before and she used the time it took her to reach the table to gather her thoughts, not wanting to make the poor girls any more uncomfortable than they probably already were.

“Good afternoon, ladies.  My name is Niylah and I’ll be helping you out today.  Is there anything I can get started for you?”

Lexa eyed the server, glancing behind her quickly to see the guy that had come to the table before watching them.  She narrowed her eyes at the girl – Niylah – before she felt Clarke’s hand tighten its hold on her hand.

Green eyes turned over to the blonde to see her eyes glazed over while looking at the menu.  Not entirely sure she wanted to know what thoughts were racing through her ex-girlfriend’s mind, Lexa tried to distract her. 

“Do you know what you want, Princess?”

Blue eyes shot up to the brunette, noticing only then that the law intern was eyeing her intently.  The concern written across her features rendered Clarke incapable of speaking for a moment so Lexa decided to speak up again.

“Why don’t we get drinks for now, and then you can decide what you want.  Is that okay with you, Clarke?”

Clarke wasn’t too sure what to do.  She wasn’t used to making decisions for herself in public.  It had been so long since she sat down to eat in a restaurant without some guy telling her what had too many calories for her to eat.  Blue eyes studied the menu before her, overwhelmed by the multitude of options she had available to her.

Noticing the lost look on the blonde’s face, Lexa turned to the waitress and asked for two Sprites with low ice.  

The waitress walked away and Lexa kept her eyes on Clarke’s face.  She could see that there was something on her mind, causing blue eyes to remain trained strictly on the menu, glazed over and unfocused. 

Not wanting to overstep any bounds or make the blonde uncomfortable, Lexa gently called her name until those blue eyes turned to look at her face.  Even then, Clarke wouldn’t look her in the eyes.  The medical student flitted her eyes all over Lexa’s face, looking confused and unsure.

Keeping her voice as gentle as possible, the law intern asked, “What would you like to eat, Clarke?”   

Clarke kept looking at Lexa’s face, not saying a word. 

Lexa sighed, before turning her body even more to face the girl next to her.  She gently placed her hand next to the medical intern’s where it was sitting on the table.  Blue eyes flitted over to keep note of the motion and Lexa looked over as well.  After a moment, green eyes trained themselves on Clarke’s face once more.

"You have nothing to worry about, love.  You can get anything you want to eat today.  Think of it as a late birthday lunch.”

Clarke’s eyes screwed shut at the mention of her birthday, and she turned her head slightly to the side.  Lexa realized immediately that maybe bringing up her birthday wasn’t such a good idea.

She had no idea what the issue was, though.  She didn’t know what had Clarke so locked into her head and she didn’t want to pry anywhere she wasn’t welcome to try and find out.

Clarke couldn’t look away from their hands.  She wanted so desperately to just move over an inch and touch Lexa, feel her warmth and comfort, but she knew she couldn’t.  Lexa was pure, Lexa was good – Clarke wasn’t.  Clarke didn’t deserve to touch Lexa and make her dirty, but –

Lexa was talking to her?  Why?  Lexa was talking to her and saying nice things and calling her good names.   Lexa said she could eat whatever she wanted.  Lexa said she was going to do a nice thing for her birthday.  Was this Her Lexa again?  She hadn’t seen Her Lexa in years, and Clarke didn’t know how to recognize her.

The last birthday that Clarke had had with her old family had been without Her Lexa.  Her Lexa had been with Costia and didn’t want to deal with the mess in Clarke’s life. 

The medical student’s gaze remained trained on the hand next to her own, trying desperately to understand why on earth her ex-girlfriend was sitting next to her.  She didn’t know why Lexa was calling her names again; they weren’t together anymo –

_Oh._

Maybe Lexa wanted something.  Lexa knew what she did for Jaha, maybe that’s why she came to her that day.  Maybe that’s why Lexa was taking her out.   That was something Clarke could understand.  That made sense.

Clarke felt a warmth on her hand and her head shot up, searching the brunette’s face for any indication as to what was going to happen next.

Lexa immediately pulled her hand away from Clarke’s, pulling both of her arms up so her hands were by her face.

“Whoa!  Hey, don’t worry, Clarke.  I’m not going to do anything.  I just wanted to give you a heads up that the waitress is coming back.”

Through her peripherals, the medical student noticed the figure walking towards them with a tray in her hands, and slowly released some of the tension in her body. 

Lexa spoke up again, “Clarke, would you feel more comfortable if I moved back to the other side of the table?  I don’t want to take your space.”

The blonde’s head cocked to the side, confused.  Why would Lexa be offering her a person bubble if she was just going to buy her for some time later?  Unless that wasn’t Lexa’s plan – but then none of this made any sense.

As Niylah walked up to the table with the drinks, she saw the brunette get up and make her way to the other side of the table.  She scooted into the seat there and offered the blonde – _Clarke_ – a smile.

Niylah cleared her throat, “Here are your drinks, ladies.  Do you know what you’d like to eat, or would you like some time?”

Lexa noticed that the waitress was keeping her distance from the table and was giving Clarke a look.  The law intern almost got defensive, but the look in the dirty blonde’s eyes was not one of judgment.  There was a look of understanding and recognition on her face that made Lexa take a deep breath and keep her wits about her. 

Both older girls moved their eyes to Clarke, waiting for her to say anything about food.  Blue eyes remained locked on the waitress, however, her head cocked to the side silently.

Lexa spoke up instead, causing Niylah to turn her head.

“Can we get a platter with seasoned fries and mozzarella sticks, and one plate of Mac-n-Cheese, please?”  Green eyes flickered over to the medical student before a small smirk crossed her face, “And some Ranch dressing as well.”

Niylah tried to keep herself as pleasant as possible, layering her ‘Customer Service’ voice on very thick.  “You most certainly can!  I’ll have that out for you two as soon as possible.”

Clarke’s eyes shot over to Lexa as she ordered, remaining there even after their server walked away.  The brunette had ordered exactly what Clarke would have ordered.  Which shouldn’t have been all that surprising, but Clarke wasn’t expecting that Lexa would remember her order.

When they were still together, lives still beautifully intertwined in every way possible, Lexa and Clarke used to have a monthly date at a diner by their apartment.  That place had the absolute best mozzarella sticks and seasoned fries either of them had ever had, and Clarke ordered them every single time they went. 

Lexa could feel Clarke’s gaze on her, and she wished desperately that she could know what the younger blonde was thinking.  Instead, she set about getting her place set up for the food to come. 

Niylah walked back to the table with the food in her hand after a few minutes.  She knew that there were other customers in the store, but these two girls had easily become her priority customers.  There was just something about the quiet blonde, with the haunted look in her eyes shrouding layers and layers of beauty and depth, that captivated her.  She wanted to get to know the girl’s story, but there was no way she was going to try and get between the two girls.  They so obviously had some sort of connection, one that no one should even try to break. 

“Alright!  Here you are ladies. And here, I brought some extra dressing for you both as well,” she said as she placed the food on the table.  Receiving a thank you from the brunette, Niylah smiled back and walked away.         

Clarke eyed the food before quickly moving her gaze back to the brunette across from her.  This would be the moment of truth.  Was Lexa going to eat this food and not let Clarke have any?  Was that what this was about?  Put Clarke’s favourite food in front of her and eat it all, not letting her have any herself? 

The medical student was taken by surprise when Lexa split all the food in half and gave Clarke one whole plate. 

Lexa could feel Clarke’s eyes on her, watching her every move, and was once again struck with how desperately she wanted to know what was going on in the tortured girl’s mind. 

The look of shock on Clarke’s face as the food was placed in front of her did not pass Lexa’s notice.  The law intern could only guess what sparked that reaction, but she was almost certain that it was nothing good. 

Deciding to take it the other way, Lexa said, “Oh my bad!  Did you want some more?” 

Clarke’s eyes widened almost comically as Lexa removed some of the food from her own plate and put it on Clarke’s. 

When blue eyes looked up and locked with green. Lexa gave her a soft smile.  “You can eat as much as you’d like, Clarke.  We can get some more if you want, as well.”

The medical student kept her eyes trained on her ex-girlfriend, not entirely trusting of what was going on.  Things had been relatively okay between them in the time since they ran into one another, but Clarke had no idea how to live without expecting another shoe to drop on her head as soon as she got comfortable.  She had no idea who Lexa really was anymore; everyone changes over time, who’s to say Lexa hadn’t?  Of course, that kind of thinking sent a pang of guilt through Clarke’s chest, because she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Lexa would never end up as one of those people.

Clarke’s attention was brought back to the situation at hand as she noticed movement in front of her.  Lexa had started eating her food and talking, not really bothering to wait for a response.  The law intern really wanted nothing more than to let Clarke feel comfortable – to feel normal. 

Blue eyes stayed on Lexa, watching as she ate and spoke animatedly.  The law intern was talking about everything from the most recent cases she was going over with Gustus, to things that Raven and Octavia did, to things she saw on the road.

After some time, Clarke seemed to realize that things weren’t going to be going completely sour immediately.  Hesitantly, the blonde reached her hand forward to grab one of the fries from the plate in front of her.  She eyed it carefully, looking from the fry to Lexa’s face, hoping to see any sort of reaction from the brunette that would tell her to put the food down immediately.

Lexa wasn’t even slightly fazed, however.  She didn’t stop her story and she didn’t stop eating either.  Clarke’s eyes shot over to the servers behind the counter, noticing that they seemed to be in the middle of a conversation, before bringing them back to the girl in front of her. 

She slowly lifted the fry up to her face, trying to ignore the way her mouth started to water as the smell wafted into her nose.  It had been such a long time since she had eaten anything like it.

The first touch of the potato to her tongue, Clarke felt an explosion of flavor.  Her breath caught in her throat and the fry sat in her mouth for a moment.  She didn’t chew – or move at all, really – but just let it sit there.  The taste was something she hadn’t experienced in years and she was lost to the memories it brought up.

Clarke couldn’t help but relive the moments flashing through her mind: the uncountable times she and Lexa had gone out to their favourite diner; the times she had been told to lose weight by Jaha and Cage and Nia; the times she ate with Anya and Indra and Lincoln and Lexa; the days on end she spent as a teenager, having to keep food in front of her face constantly without being allowed to eat even a bite; the time she and Lexa had tried to make seasoned fries at home and failed miserably, only to end up on the floor of their living room eating shitty French fries and laying completely intertwined and smiling together and laughing together and just _being alive_ together.

Clarke hadn’t experienced life like that in years, and this one single fry brought it all back.

Lexa watched as Clarke froze, mouth clenched shut and blue eyes completely unfocused on anything.  For a second, the law intern was concerned that her ex-girlfriend was going to have an episode, but she remembered that the blonde only had myoclonic seizures and would be very obvious.

She allowed the girl some time to gather her thoughts and bring herself back, but after a few minutes Clarke was still completely out of it and Lexa was starting to get worried.  She reached forward and placed her hand over the medical student’s, waiting until she got a response.

When Clarke focused back on her face, Lexa asked her softly, “Are you okay, Clarke?  Do you need your inhaler?”

Clarke shook herself out of her thoughts and finally focused on the girl in front of her once more.  On one hand she was surprised that Lexa would have remembered or made a connection with her inhaler on her own, but on the other hand it wasn’t completely unexpected.  Lexa had always been incredibly attentive. 

Shaking her head to indicate that she was fine, Clarke offered Lexa what she hoped was a smile and reached out to pick up another French fry. 

(She made sure to eat the rest of her fries as soon as she put them in her mouth, because French fries get soggy if they sit on your tongue and soggy fries are gross)

They sat in silence for some time, both girls eating their food and trying to swallow past the tension at the table.  Lexa hadn’t wanted the day to be uncomfortable, but she knew that there was some awkwardness that just couldn’t be avoided.  She and Clarke had been together for years, they lived together, shared a home, shared a family, shared a life, and then didn’t see each other for almost four years.  Spending time together now was bound to be at least a little tense.

Lexa watched Clarke as she ate, as though she were savoring every bite as her last.  The blonde kept flicking her eyes around the room, settling them in one spot for a moment, if that, before moving to capture the next image.  The law intern kept talking as her ex-girlfriend took stock of every thing around them – and every change in those things – hoping that some sense of normalcy would help Clarke feel even a little more comfortable. 

She wanted to start talking.  It was true that she did have another reason for inviting Clarke out for lunch today, but she didn’t know how to approach a conversation without making the poor girl put up her walls before she even started speaking.

When there were only a few fries left in their plates, Lexa jumped in.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.  I didn’t mean for you to be uncomfortable today.  I just – I had something I wanted to say.”

A ha.  There it was.  Clarke knew that there was something more going on; there was no way Lexa would have invited her out and bought her food if she didn’t want something.  People don’t just do that, especially people that think you’re a burden.

Clarke was pulled from her thoughts as the brunette started speaking again.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think lately.  I’ve been able to remember things and really reflect on what they mean and where they came from.  And with all of that, I had one thing that I wanted to say to you, but it seemed pathetic compared to my actual thoughts. I have no idea how to tell you what I’m trying to say without it being completely lame.

“I mean, I speak for a living, you know?  I’m supposed to look into something, figure out what it means and where it comes from and where it’s gonna go and what happens with it, and convince everyone else to see it from my own perspective with evidence and facts that are presented to me.  And I’m damn good at my job, too.  I’ve never completely failed at it.  But, for some reason, I can’t get myself put together enough to apologize to you.”

Clarke’s mouth slipped open slightly.  Her mind had been flying through all of the different things Lexa might want her for, trying to figure out where this was going to go.  She knew that her ex-girlfriend wouldn’t take her like everyone else who bought her time, but maybe she wanted something else?  Some work done around the apartment (but she had friends for that), or work done on her car (she had Raven for that, too), or, the thing that scared Clarke more than any other, Lexa needed medical help.  Whatever she could’ve thought up, though, she definitely wouldn’t have expected an apology.

Lexa was still talking. “I know it’s been forever since things happened, and I know it’s been some time since we first ran into each other again, but it’s been so hard for me to be able to articulate what I’ve been thinking.  And then I realized that, if I wait and keep on trying to come up with some eloquently scripted speech to give you, telling you how absolutely inexcusably fucking sorry I am, it would never happen. 

“There’s no perfect way to tell you how I feel now, and there’s no perfect way for me to present it to you.  I can’t treat this like a case of mine, where I have to say the right thing in the right way to win; you’re not something to win.  You’re not a jury of strangers or a judge I’ve never met before that I’ve gotta convince of someone else’s innocence or guilt.  In this case, I’m the one in the wrong. 

“I can’t even find it in me to try and defend myself.  That’s not what this is about and that’s another reason I stopped trying to figure out what to say.  I have to right to try, and there’s nothing that I could say or do that would actually make up for how badly I absolutely fucked everything up.

A sheepish smile crossed Lexa’s face then, as she realized that she had been rambling.  She looked down and took a few deep breaths, trying to gather herself enough to get to her point. 

Her head shot up as she felt a hand on hers.  Green eyes searched deep into blue, trying to find what reason her ex-girlfriend could possibly have for trying to comfort her.  Despite her best attempts, she could see nothing but guarded concern.

Clarke could see the brunette struggling.  She could see the turmoil and conflict written all over Lexa’s face and she wished that she could just take it all away.  Despite everything, no matter what happened between them, Clarke hadn’t been able to make herself erase how she cared for Lexa.  There was a connection that the older girl had with Clarke’s heart, some hold over the medical student’s emotions that wouldn’t let her disconnect from the girl who both broke her heart and held her together.  Whatever that connection was, Clarke could feel Lexa’s pain through her whole body.

Before she could even think about what she was doing, Clarke’s hand reached out and placed itself over Lexa’s.  The contact sent a jolt through the medical student’s body, emphasizing the pain already present at her ex-girlfriend’s words.  When green eyes met hers, Clarke knew that she had done the right thing.  She didn’t know if she would be able to give herself to Lexa again, or if there was even any of herself left to give, or allow herself to acknowledge the burning sensation in her hand where it was touching Lexa’s skin,

Clarke kept her guard up, walls set firmly in place not allowing any emotion to get through.  She watched as Lexa took one more deep breath and continued talking.  

“I have no right to ask you to forgive me and, after everything, I know I wouldn’t deserve it even if you gave it to me.  I just – I was going somewhere with this and now I’m so lost.”

Clarke gave Lexa as reassuring of a smile as she could muster after the usually collected law intern choked out a nervous chuckle. 

“The only thing I can say at this point is that whatever happens next is completely up to you.  I don’t ever want you to feel uncomfortable and I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to spend time with me.”

Lexa could see that the blonde was getting a little lost.  She laughed a little and explained, “Raven and Octavia told me about hanging out with you.”  Seeing a look cross the guarded girl’s face, Lexa quickly continued, “I love that you guys get along so well and I love that you’re all friends.   I honestly can’t even tell you how happy it makes me that you have people like them in your life now. 

“I don’t want the fact that I live with them to be anything that deters you from spending time with them.  If you want to hang out with them ever and you don’t want me around, please just let me know and I promise to make myself scarce.”

Clarke didn’t really know what to think.  Lexa seemed to have a knack for coming at Clarke out of left field.  Here she had been thinking the worst of the brunette, when all her ex-girlfriend wanted was for her to be comfortable.  The guilt that Clarke was feeling was starting to overwhelm her.

Lexa could see the turmoil on Clarke’s face and it didn’t take much to figure out what she was thinking.  Turning her hand over under Clarke’s, she gave it a small squeeze and saw blue eyes focus on her once more. 

“Please don’t feel bad about it, either.  The last thing I want is to pressure into having to see me.  I mean, I know today isn’t a great example of that but…”

Clarke couldn’t stop the small smile from crossing her face at the sheepish blush that colored Lexa’s cheeks.  She softly squeezed Lexa’s hand that was wrapped around her own, reassuring the girl that this was okay, she was alright.    

They fell into a silence after that, that became more comfortable as the minutes went by. 

Clarke eventually coughed lightly, clearing her throat and stating that she had to use the washroom.  Lexa chuckled at the eager look on the blonde’s face.  The laugh was quickly replaced by a look of shock as the medical student pointed out that she just came off a twenty hour shift where she couldn’t go at all.  Clarke was the one to chuckle after that, seeing the look of horror on Lexa’s face as she slowly excused herself from the booth.

Lexa was surprised when a figure walked up to the table and cleared their throat awkwardly.  The law intern looked up to see the male server who had come to their table first standing next to the table, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other, the checkbook in his hand.  Lexa cocked a perfectly shaped eyebrow, lawyer face painted on.

The look on the brunette’s face wasn’t helping Murphy’s nerves any more, and he could feel the hostility practically rolling off of her in waves.  Naturally, it just made his scowl even deeper.  He tried to avoid making eye contact with her, not wanting her to get any angrier than she already seemed to be.

After a moment of awkward silence, Lexa practically spit out, “Is there something you needed or are you just here to look?”

Murphy cleared his throat and finally looked at the girl’s face.  Deciding to bite the bullet and get away from there as quick as possible he said, “Look, I just wanted to say sorry if I made your girlfriend uncomfortable or whatever.”

Lexa could see that he was practically about to run away.  She allowed her scowl to soften _– barely –_ but kept her eyes focused on the guy’s face.  “Look, man, thanks for the apology or whatever, but if you’re just standing here for a spectacle then I swear to fuck I will break your nose so fast you won’t even see it coming.”

“Son of a bitch, dude!  I’m not here for some show or whatever.  I know I made her uncomfortable and I know it’s a bitch to be scared of everyone that pops up out of nowhere.”  Murphy scoffed, thrusting the checkbook onto the table.  “Just – tell her I said sorry.  If you feel like it.”

Lexa could feel her steely demeanor melt off her when she fully realized what the server was saying.  She handed him $20, telling him to keep the change. 

He sighed.  The scary brunette was confusing.

Before he could get out of ear shot Lexa called out, “Hey!  Thanks.  And I’m sorry too.”   
Murphy took that to be sufficient and just nodded before making his way back to the counter.            

By the time that Clarke made it back to the table, Murphy was set behind the counter and there was no indication of any conversation happening.

The blonde started pulling her wallet out of her back pocket, and Lexa quickly spoke up, “Clarke really don’t even worry about it.  It’s been taken care of.”

Clarke looked up at Lexa, head cocked to side, not really understanding what just happened.  This whole afternoon had been trippy beyond belief.  If anyone had told Clarke yesterday that she would have spent a calm, friendly afternoon lunch with Lexa and everything would be okay, she would have looked at them as though they were crazy. 

Not only did she spend lunch with Lexa on the five-year anniversary of their breakup, but nothing went wrong, either.  Lexa was sweet as possible, leaving her car in a random parking lot so Clarke didn’t have to face what the car meant.  She helped Clarke through whatever the fuck happened earlier.  She let Clarke eat the food, and she even paid for it.  The whole time, Clarke had been terrified that Lexa was going to drop another shoe at some point, something that was going to fuck everything up again and leave her the empty hollow shell she had been coming out of since she saw her ex-girlfriend again; but no, Lexa had been nothing but perfect.  Lexa had even offered to not hang out with her friends so that Clarke could hang out with them too.

At this point, after thinking the absolute worst of Lexa, Clarke decided she owed her at least this much.  The nagging thought that maybe this was the test, maybe this was the moment Lexa dropped the other shoe and told her what an ungrateful bitch she was for not even fighting to pay, popped into Clarke’s head, but she quickly shut it up and forced herself to settle down. 

Lexa sat patiently, a smile on her face, as Clarke just looked at her.  The blonde eventually smiled back and allowed a bit of the tension to leave her body.

“So, Clarke, would you like to stay in here for a bit, or do you want to walk around the area, or do you have something else you would like to do?  I can only imagine how tired you must be after such a long shift.”

Clarke studied Lexa, still unsure as to what the correct answer was.  Whether or not Lexa was going to beat Clarke later because wasn’t the whole deal, but there was always a right answer. 

Lexa could see the storm behind blue eyes and felt a throb resound through her chest.  Throughout the whole meal, Clarke had been on the defense and ready to bolt or fight to protect herself.  Lexa hated that this was what had happened to the blonde; that this is where she ended up once again.  The Clarke sitting before Lexa today reminded her of the Clarke that she had known in high school – the one that didn’t trust that there was anyone out there that was going to do anything simply because they cared about her; that thought that she was worth nothing more than a ragdoll.

The fact that Clarke thought that Lexa would be one of those people to try and hurt her felt like a dagger through her heart.  She had a hard time thinking that Clarke was wrong in any way, though.  Lexa had done nothing but perpetuate this idea in the tortured girl’s mind that she was a burden or something not worth any time or effort.

(A brief memory of five years ago flashed through Lexa’s mind, and she pictured herself yelling at her cowering ex-girlfriend “ _God just get over it already”_.)

A fleeting thought crossed Lexa’s mind, about how Clarke could be such a fantastic doctor while being so lost herself, but the thought was pushed to the back of her mind for later contemplation when Clarke sighed lightly.

Quickly being brought back to the situation at hand, Lexa wiped the turmoil from her own face and blinked back the tears that had managed to make their way to her eyes before plastering a smile on her face once more. 

“How ‘bout this?  Let’s walk around for a bit in the direction of the hospital.  That way we can just head back to the parking lot whenever you want to be done.”  

Clarke just looked at Lexa before slowly nodding.  She really wanted to go to her car, get to her park bench, and just sleep for hours, but it was already almost 4:00PM and she had a meeting with Cage at 6:30.  The idea of having to go see him again after spending a couple hours with Lexa made her stomache churn. 

She removed all thoughts of him from her mind after that, not wanting to taint Lexa by even thinking of him while she was around.

They both made their way out of the booth and then the diner together.  Clarke threw a soft, cordial thanks to their server on the way out, getting a bright smile and wave in response.

The two ex-girlfriends walked along the street for a few minutes, looking from shop to shop, highly aware of the electricity crackling between them.  Neither one of them could help but think about how normal something like this would’ve felt to them only five years ago.  They used to things like this from time to time.  Neither girl was ever too interested in shopping or anything even then, but it was fun to walk by and just look.  They would walk together through the streets, hand-in-hand, engulfed in their own little world.  At that time, it was only the two of them wherever they went, completely oblivious to the world around them. 

Even now, five years later, it was the same situation.  Both girls were so completely focused on the figure next to them that they couldn’t even focus on anything around them.  The tension rolling off of Clarke in waves was something that Lexa couldn’t just ignore, but she didn’t want to make the poor girl uncomfortable by mentioning anything.

They were both brought out of their discomfort by a beeping coming from Clarke’s pocket.  She frantically pulled out her phone, terrified that she was late for a meeting.  She saw her alarm going off instead and realized that she had still lost track of time. 

Lexa saw Clarke look up at her from her phone sheepishly, a slight blush beginning to make its way up her chest and to her cheeks.  Eyes flicking down slightly, Lexa saw the notification on Clarke’s phone that simply read “Med”.

Not wanting to assume anything, Lexa simply asked, “Would you like to head back to the car now, Clarke?”

Clarke nodded.

After a silent walk back to the hospital, Clarke and Lexa finally made their way back to Clarke’s car.  Lexa wanted to take the medical student back to her car, but she knew at that point that it would just make the poor girl even more comfortable. 

Stopping in front of the classic vehicle, Lexa spoke up, “I, uh, I actually have something for you in my car.  Could I run and go grab it real quick?”

Clarke nodded, fishing for her car keys from her pocket.  As soon as Lexa was turned around and walking away, she pulled her inhaler out instead and took three big pumps.  She released a deep breath after the last pump, appreciating the way the contractions in her chest seemed to release their hold and the fuzziness at the edge of her vision field cleared up.

The blonde knew that she was spreading herself thin.  There was no way she was going to survive much longer with so many lives going at the same time.  Between the Clarke that worked with Jaha, Nia, and Cage, and Dr. Griffin at the hospital, and the Clarke that was becoming friends with Raven and Octavia (and Lexa?) despite everything, Clarke felt like she was being pulled apart at ever seam and she had no idea who she was anymore.  If she didn’t stop this, she would be gone sooner than she planned.

Just as she was swallowing her seizure medicine and packing it back in her bag, Lexa made her way back to her car with a bag of her own.  The bag in Lexa’s hand, however, was festive and had confetti and party hats all over it. 

Lexa rubber the back of her neck, a sheepish smile crossing her face.  “I, uh, I know I missed your birthday this week, but better late than never, right?”

Both girls cringed.  Lexa was a little later than just a week on the birthday present.

Clarke stood there for a moment, not knowing at all what to do.  She had the fleeting thought that might finally be the test she’s been waiting for, but she shooed that away.  She had resolved in the diner to trust the law intern for the day and she was done disrespecting the older girl.

When Clarke didn’t move for a couple minutes, Lexa took a step closer and held the bag out even further.

The medical intern brought a hesitant hand up, wrapping it around the handle at the top of the bag, paying close attention to make sure she didn’t accidentally brush Lexa’s hands.  That would have been far too much at the moment.

Lexa watched Clarke for a moment, noting the way she eyed the bag carefully.  It dawned on Lexa at that moment that Clarke probably hadn’t seen a birthday present bag with colorful tissue paper in many years.  Swallowing the lump making itself known in her throat once again, she softly told her ex-girlfriend to go ahead and open the bag.

Clarke pulled the colorful papers out slowly, eyeing them as they came out one-by-one.  When they were all finally out of the bag, she held them up in front of her face and cocked her head.

Lexa giggled, unable to stop herself.  Clarke looked absolutely adorable.  She was eyeing the paper like a little puppy, confused by what to do with such a thing.  She reached her hand out, indicating for Clarke to hand her the stuffing.

When her hand was finally empty, Clarke looked into the bag and felt her breath catch.

Reaching a single hand in, the blonde pulled out a simple black, bound book, a pen resting within its strap.  The book looked old and worn, as if it had been sitting somewhere for an unknown amount of time.  The pages were wrinkled, as though it had gotten wet and then dried, turning yellow over the years it had been lying around.

Clarke looked up from the book to Lexa, mouth open and eyes wide, not knowing what to say in the slightest.  Over the years, Clarke had slowly lost interest in even thinking about the things she used to say she wanted.  It had been so long since she even thought about a notebook like this, and she definitely never would have imagined that Lexa would remember it.

Lexa could see the flustered look on Clarke’s face and offered her a small smile.  “There was a conference in Greece about three years ago, and Gustus took a few of us interns with him.  We had a single day where we could do anything we wanted and I took a day trip to Athens with –“  There was an awkward silence as Lexa cut herself off; they both knew who Lexa had ended up actually going with. 

The law student cleared her throat before continuing, the smile having left her face.  “I know we always planned on going together; it was going to be our one big vacation, the one we remembered until we were old and using walkers to get around.  I just, I needed a way to stay close to you,” Lexa trailed off with a whisper.

Neither girl could move with that admission.  They both knew what it meant, but they had no idea what to do with it.  There was a draw between the two of them and no one could deny it.  There was some sort of connection between their hearts that had managed to survive the years or torture and torment and turmoil; something that held them together even while every other part of Clarke was telling her to run and disappear once more.

Lexa sighed, closing her eyes and dropping her head.  When she finally looked up again, green eyes seemed to have lost some of their vibrancy but none of their power. 

Clarke watched quietly as Lexa seemed to gather herself for another statement.  Of course, being a lawyer-in-the-making gave the brunette an advantage in being able to organize her thoughts and present them, but Clarke had no such gift.  She was left alone to interpret their every interaction, just her and her damaged mind.

When blue eyes saw the lack of life in green eyes, she felt a throb in her chest.  It had been such a long time since Clarke had felt this kind of connection to someone else’s pain, and the emotions coming up were terrifying her.  She had never seen Lexa seem so downtrodden and broken before, and she had no idea how to prepare herself for what was about to come.

“Look, Clarke.  I’m supposed to be good with words, but every time I try talking to you or about you, I seem to put my foot in my mouth.  I haven’t given you the respect that you deserve, and I haven’t taken responsibility properly for what’s happened.  That’s all stuff that needs to be changed.  Right now, though?  I just want tell you one thing, and then you can make your decision.

Her hand reached out, fingertips barely brushing against the book and then Clarke’s own hand.  The blonde inhaled harshly at the contact, feeling a shock through her body. 

“I’ve done nothing but cause you pain.  Don’t get me wrong, I know we had good times together.  Our life was going great and you were perfect, and I ended up fucking it all up.  I built you up and made you feel comfortable with me as though I was someone better than everyone else who had fucked you over and, when push came to shove, I was exactly like them.  I destroyed everything and you have always deserved better than something like that. 

“That being said, I want to reiterate that you have absolutely no obligation to ever even see my face again if you don’t want to.  You don’t have to take this book if you don’t want to have this constant reminder of what I failed to be for you if you don’t want to.  And I don’t ever want to make you feel like you’re going to be pressured into anything.  Just because I’m friends with Raven and Octavia doesn’t mean that you can’t become friends with them too.  Just because I’m still friends with Lincoln and Indra and Anya doesn’t mean that you can’t rebuild your relationship with them.  You deserve to have people like them in your lives again – people who will be able to treat you right and be there for you as you need them.

“If, by some random chance, you ever feel comfortable around me again, I will always be happy to be here for you, though.  Whenever you’re ready to see me again, I’ll be more than happy to come back.  And please don’t think that there’s some time limit here or something.  You could take two months, one year, two years, or you might never be ready, and that’s totally okay.  I will respect any boundaries you set for us absolutely and completely until you decide to change them.  Just, please don’t shut yourself off from everyone else on my account.”

Clarke watched Lexa, seeing the way she slowly seemed to curl further in on herself with every statement she made.  It was obvious that the older brunette had been constantly beating herself up over everything that had gone on between them, and Clarke had no idea what to do with this information.  On one hand, she loathed with every fiber of her being the idea of Lexa being in any sort of pain because of her.  On the other hand, this was the perfect opportunity to run and never look back.  She already knew she needed to end at least one part of her many lives; why not this?  Disappear once again and erase herself from any friendly existence.

Seeing the hope barely holding on in Lexa’s eyes, though, and thinking about her weekend with Raven and Octavia, Clarke couldn’t bring herself to run from this.  Lexa’s statement had been the exact reasoning as to why she’d left in the first place: she didn’t want her own drama with her ex-girlfriend to pull Lexa away from her family, which was exactly what Lexa was proposing in that moment.  She was offering to pull away from Lincoln and Anya and Indra once more, but this time Lexa would also be losing Raven and Octavia.  There was no way she was going to let that happen again.

But Clarke also knew at this point that she couldn’t just abandon Anya and Indra again.  She owed it to everyone that she give some sort of explanation this time.  She had made promises to each and every person she had seen again, and she had to see them through.

The medical student slowly raised one hand, reaching forward to lightly skim her fingers over Lexa’s forearm.  A shudder ran through both of their bodies before Clarke’s hand flopped back to her side.

"I think – “ she coughed, clearing her throat after so long with such little use.  “I think I can do friends.”

It was barely a whisper, but Lexa heard it loud and clear.  In the coming days, this one sentence would keep the law intern awake at night, thinking about all of the possibilities she could have now and all those she had missed out on; this sentence held her focus at work, often caught looking off into space with a stupid grin on her face.  At that moment, though, the sentence stopped Lexa’s heart and breathing and any other function her body should have had. 

She would never have expected that Clarke’s forgiveness would be so ready, or that it would be so simple.  The brunette knew that she had a lot of work left until she forgave herself or that those around her forgave her, but Clarke was always that self-sacrificial angel.

Maybe this wasn’t even forgiveness, though.  Maybe Clarke just didn’t want to cause turbulence or troubles or anything.  In that moment, Lexa had no idea, but she wasn’t going to simply ignore any of it.

A smile slowly split the brunette’s face, full lips pulled over her teeth, the glistening white pearls adding to the way the smile already lit up her entire face.  Clarke couldn’t help but return it with a small smile of her own.

They both stood in silence for a moment before Clarke’s phone started buzzing.  Looking down, blue eyes widened slightly and Lexa could almost see the panic on her face.

Almost.

Instead, Lexa smiled and said, “I really enjoyed myself today, Clarke.  I hope you had a good time as well.”  Receiving a smile in response from Clarke, Lexa’s own smile only widened.

Both girls reached up at the same time to rub the back of their necks, and immediately started laughing. 

Well, Lexa laughed.  Clarke only smiled.

They both said their goodbyes, Lexa turning to go to her own car.  Clarke waited until the brunette was out of eye-sight and closer to her own car before she finally got into her own. She had only an hour left to prepare for her meeting with the others tonight and she knew she had to look top-notch.  Sighing, she quickly turned the car on and started heading to the hotel where she would be getting ready.

As she drove away, memories of her day came rushing back, and the blonde couldn’t stop a genuine smile from crossing her face.  Little did she know, in that very moment, a black Audi on the other side of the parking lot held a brunette very close to her own age, reliving the same memories, and sporting an equally wide smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Lexa and Clarke are finally taking a tiny step forward between themselves. A conversation like this is long overdue between the two girls and there will be more to come. The next chapter will carry a bit of a time jump and the story will pick up from there! I hope you enjoyed the chapter!!! 
> 
> Any criticism is very much appreciated. This story was supposed to end almost three chapters ago, but the comments I've gotten have pushed me to add to the story. If anyone is interested to see the story go to a particular place, please let me know! I have the outline for the rest of the story done, but I will try and integrate anything that I can if you ask for it!


	17. Is It Done, Really?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life moves forward for everyone, and there are some pretty major changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am so unbelievably sorry that it's been so long. My schedule this semester is so insane and my sister ended up having /another/ surgery and I started a job and holy hell it's crazy. Thank you to everyone who messaged me to get my ass in gear and finally get this up and finished! It's relatively un-edited, so please do excuse any mistakes.

It had been about three months since Lexa and Clarke decided to try being friends, and things had been actually going really well for both of them.  Clarke was hanging out with her old/new family more and more, spending time with all of them alone and together.  Lexa was able to spend time with Clarke in a safe setting, finally getting opportunities to slowly start paying back the never-ending debt that she owed Clarke. 

Their lives had all changed over the past few months, and no one could be happier with the way things were going.  Raven’s internship with Tesla had turned into an actual apprenticeship-style job under one of the mechanical engineers, Lincoln had recently passed the detective exam and would be transferring to the Missing Persons unit in 2 weeks, and it was Octavia’s last year of Under Grad.

Of course, the most monumental things to happen in the last three months were what they were going out to celebrate that night.  Lexa had officially finished the interning requirements for law school and was being promoted within the firm.  She would be going from just an intern to working as Gustus’s assistant.  He had been so incredibly impressed by the work she had done over the years and her incredible perseverance, he wanted to take her under his wing directly, forming her into one of the best lawyers in the area. 

Clarke, on the other hand, was graduating medical school.  She had finished her clinical rotations the previous week and had already sent in her application for residency at USC.  Everyone seemed certain that she was going to get it, but she knew that there were so many other possible candidates who had as much of a chance as she did, if not better.  Her last two rotations had been really tough, considering everything else she was juggling.  There were times when the medical student – nay, _doctor_ – was surprised that the people at the hospital hadn’t figured out how much other shit she had going on.

This particular Saturday night, everyone was free and decided to get together.  There were more than enough things in their lives to celebrate, and none of them were going to pass up an opportunity to spend time together. 

Clarke had been steadily growing more comfortable with everyone around, though none of them had actually managed to make their way past her walls.  In all honesty, she had been feeling herself be spread thinner and thinner as the days passed and she was beginning to think she wouldn’t be able to handle it any longer.  Whatever persona she was putting on for the people around her was working just fine for the moment, but she had somehow lost sight of who she used to be.     

Then again, she hadn’t known who she was for five years. 

She had had about a week where she was not working in the hospital and she realized that she hadn’t planned for what she was supposed to do between rotations and residency.  For the last year-and-a-half, Clarke had been able to spend at least a few days at a time at the hospital, filling up whatever free time she had managed to get away from Jaha’s people.  With at least a month of time available now, the medical student no longer knew what to do.

She spent a lot of time driving around now, forever grateful that the price of gas had gone down so much.  It was tough for her to spend so much time alone.  If there was one thing she hated more than being around other people, it was being around herself.  Clarke was so more than just disappointed with where she had ended up and what she had become, and she ended up spending most of her free time badgering herself and trying to figure out a way to get out of it.

There were many times over the last few months that she had come close to to going her last resort.  On the particularly hard days, the poor blonde would get it in her head that she would never be able to break free from where she was, that she would be stuck in this hell for the rest of her days.  Those were the days that Clarke went back to the diner Lexa had taken her to.  She had found a sanctuary in the booth in the back; a place where she had been reminded that not everyone was evil, that there were people she didn’t have to be afraid of.  She was able to remember her own reconciliation with Lexa and she was able to listen to the servers who worked there, being reminded that there were in fact normal people still out there.

Walking into the restaurant that evening, it was odd for Clarke to think that she had friends again.  Everyone that was there that night was there to celebrate their own achievements – obviously well deserved – but they were going to be there to celebrate Clarke as well.  And for the first time in years, she wasn’t worried that those celebrations would end with Clarke being used up and thrown out. 

Walking up to the table, Clarke saw that everyone but Indra and Lincoln were already there.  Raven and Octavia were already sitting on the booth side, leaving the corner seat open, and Lexa and Anya were sitting in two of the chairs on the other side.  Clarke tensed slightly as she got closer, feeling her expression get harder than it had been as soon as her eyes met reserved, grey eyes across the restaurant. 

It had been about six months since Clarke had seen or truly spoken to Anya, and that was not necessary for lack of the soldier’s trying.  This was the first time Anya was able to get off base so Clarke should have known that she would be there that night, but she hadn’t really thought about it when making plans with Raven and Octavia. Clarke, of course, had not explicitly said a thing to anyone about her issues with Anya over the last few months, but she no longer had any guarantee that Anya hadn’t told anyone what was going on.

Raven and Octavia both jumped out of the booth as Clarke got closer and gave her big hugs.  The blonde had gotten used to the displays of affection from the boisterous brunettes through the time they spent together, but she never completely managed to keep the panic from running rampant in her veins before the comfort flooded through.

As everyone was standing up, Clarke finally managed to get a good look at what everyone was wearing.  Not surprisingly, they all looked amazing.  Octavia was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans with black boots that went to her calf, a black top closing off her outfit with a single gold chain around her neck.  Raven was wearing her signature black jeans with black hi-top converse and a plain red tank top.  Anya was wearing black jeans and combat boots, a simple, grey shirt on top and her hair loose around her face. 

Clarke tried not to look at Lexa too much, knowing instinctively that the older girl still had undesired effects on her.  Knowing that they were trying to be friends, however, the medical student forced herself to look at her ex-girlfriend and felt her heart skip a beat.  Lexa was wearing black jeans, black ankle boots, and a plain white shirt.  The shirt was sheer and Lexa was wearing very little underneath it, and Clarke pointedly looked directly at the law intern’s – nay, _lawyer’s_ – face so as not to seem disrespectful.

Clarke quickly greeted Lexa and Anya before scooting all the way into the booth.  She knew easily that Octavia and Raven had both saved that spot for her, and she did feel a pang of guilt for a moment.  She knew at that point, however, that none of the other girls were particularly sensitive to wear they sat in public, so long as Raven got space to stretch her leg out. 

The tension between Anya and Clarke was tangible to all three other girls at the table as well.  Anya had spoken to everyone beforehand, however, to make sure no one would make a big deal about it and make Clarke uncomfortable.  Whether or not the young blonde was talking to her at the moment, Anya still knew her like a little sister and she knew that the last thing Clarke needed to extra attention to her feelings.

They sat for some time, just talking about the little things that had been going on in their lives.  Raven was beyond excited about her job with Tesla, eager as ever to start working on the cars of the future.  Octavia was just ready to finally be done with Under Grad.  She was going to continue working with the psychologist she had shadowed over summer through the semester, and she was hoping that she would get a good letter of recommendation from her.

Everyone turned their attention to Lexa for a minute, not even bothering to tone down their excitement for her.  It wasn’t every day that someone moved one step further within law school and she only had one more process to go through before she graduated.  Getting the job at the same firm she had interned at, however, was no small feat, and they all decided to do an early toast to the lawyer-in-training.

 “Ok but are we seriously going to skirt over the most important thing tonight?”  Everyone eyed Octavia, curious to see where she would go with this.  “We have an official doctor in our midst!”

Clarke blushed deeply as the attention was turned on her, knowing that everyone around them would be able to hear the cheering coming from the table.  It was funny seeing the other girls act like this, considering not a single one of them had drunk a single thing with alcohol.  The more Clarke spent time with them the last few months, the more she realized they had almost completely cut out alcohol while she was around.

Everyone raised their cups of Sprite (or, in Raven’s case, Dr. Pepper) and toasted to Clarke.

Octavia gave Clarke a simple pat on the back of her hand, ever-aware of the blonde’s sensitivity to touch.  When blue eyes looked up to meet her own and she got a smile in return, the younger brunette wrapped her hand around Clarke’s and gave it a squeeze.  Clarke’s smile widened and her blush deepened.

As they went back to talking about small nothings, Clarke saw Indra and Lincoln walk in through the door.  It was obvious from the tired looks on their faces and their rumpled clothes that they were both coming directly from work. 

Everyone got up once more to greet the two newcomers to their dinner party, and they all settled down once Lincoln and Indra took their seats.  Indra sat down next to Anya and whispered something into her ear, causing the Army captain to inhale deeply before straightening her posture.  Clarke eyed the interaction from her peripherals, not wanting to make it that obvious that she had been watching the two. 

They all ordered their food and settled in to wait for it to arrive.  Clarke talked to everyone throughout the meal, finding herself enjoying their company more and more each time she went out with them.  There was a nagging voice in the back of her head to not let them get too attached to her when she knew that she wouldn’t be staying with them for any long amount of time, but she opted to ignore it and just enjoy herself.

Eventually, they had eaten their desserts and were letting the food settle before they were on their ways home.  They made their way to their cars outside, Lexa walking in the front with Raven, Octavia, and Clarke, joking about how the two girls would be getting done with their graduate degrees at the same time.  Anya, Indra, and Lincoln stayed in the back, talking about whatever it was they were talking about.

As they reached their own cars, they all stopped and laughed at the fact that they had parked right near each other. 

Clarke started packing her stuff in her car, getting ready to make her way out and find a place to settle down for the night.  Maybe she would find a 24-hour gym to pass the night and day in. 

Anya walked up to Clarke, seeing her make her way away from the rest of the crew.  “You’ve buffed her up a bit.”

Clarke eyed the girl next to her, trying to decide whether or not there was another message she was trying to get across. 

“I have to be able to keep up appearances for clients.”

Anya understood the meaning behind the words immediately and she sighed. 

Clarke watched as the dirty blonde seemed to fight herself for something to say.

Before either of them could get anything out, Octavia came bounding over to them.  “Clarkey!  We’re going back to our place.  Do you wanna come chill with us for a bit?”

Clarke couldn’t stop the smile that crossed her face at the younger girl’s energy.  Seeing Raven and Lexa eyeing her eagerly from over Octavia’s shoulder, the medical student knew she couldn’t refuse.  Sighing despite the smile that had made its way across her face, Clarke looked at Octavia and nodded.  The psychology student jumped up and down excitedly before going back to her flatmates.

Shaking her head and chuckling under her breath, Clarke turned back to her car and finished putting her stuff away.  Anya was still standing there with a small smile on her face.

Blue eyes hardened slightly as they met grey, and Clarke straightened up.  Anya sighed, “You know, the only thing I ever wanted was for you to have a family again.  I just wanted you to know that there are more people out there that love you.  I’m just sorry that I had to break your trust to do it.”

Anya studied Clarke’s face as she spoke, seeing that the younger blonde was not going to betray a single emotion.  The captain had never wanted to lose the younger girl.  That was her baby sister, and she deserved absolutely everything good that life had to offer.  Anya hated more than anything that she herself had been one cause of the younger girl’s pain.

“I really am sorry, and I would love to be able to win your trust back, but I understand that that might not be possible at this point.  I do want you to know, though, that if you ever need anything, I will be here for you no matter how big or small you consider the issue to be.”

Clarke screwed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath.  Talking with Anya once again reminded her about why she had been having so much trouble sleeping.  She knew without a doubt that she was going to leave these girls soon – she didn’t have much motivation to spend any more time in the hell that was her life – and she had resolved to herself that she would disappear from their lives before they became too attached.  After the first few months of getting to know the girls, Clarke knew that she couldn’t let them get any closer to her if she wanted to spare them the pain she took with her everywhere. 

Anya had taken that from her, though.  She had told Lexa and her friends everything she had been through and there was no way they would let her out of their lives just like that.  Clarke had never wanted anything more than to leave Lexa’s life untouched, unblemished by what she had become.  Even after she had run into her ex-girlfriend and her new friends, Clarke had made sure that Anya promised not to tell Lexa anything about her situation.  The tortured blonde had planned on leaving and not making anyone bother themselves with having to worry about them; leaving everyone to live their lives in peace and happiness as they deserved.  She had trusted that Anya would respect her request and found herself once again reminded of the fact that she had no one truly in her corner.

Anya’s breath caught in her throat as Clarke looked back up at her, pain swirling deep within blue eyes, swirling and storming as though it was going to drown the owner. 

“It took me a damn long time to trust you when I first met you, Anya.  And it took me almost as long to trust you the second time around.  I never wanted to have to ask you – or anyone, for that matter – for anything because I never wanted to feel like I owed anyone yet another piece of myself.  I spent _years_ rying to convince myself that there was nothing to be afraid of; that you would be on my side and I didn’t have to hate myself even more for asking you to keep a secret from your sister.  I had finally formed some sort of delusion that maybe – just _maybe_ – I wouldn’t be burned for trusting someone.  I guess we’re just supposed to be dealt shit again and again until we learn our lessons; and don’t worry, I’ve learnt my lesson.”

Anya felt like she had been punched in the gut.  Clarke turned back to her car, locking it up and walked over to the three brunettes watching them.  Neither one of them was going to acknowledge the quizzical looks on their faces.

The captain jumped as a hand fell on her shoulder.  Turning to see two pairs of brown eyes looking at her with nothing but understanding in their expressions, Anya felt herself deflate.  She had spent a lot of time talking with Lincoln and Indra ever since Clarke came back into their lives, and she knew that things were going to come up soon that would only serve to make the new doctor’s life even harder.  Anya felt like she was stuck in the ocean, drifting far away from those that she knew and loved, not knowing how to help them and not knowing what the fuck she could do to bring herself back to them.

Clarke walked back to the three flatmates, trying to swallow past the guilt and pain that came up from her outburst at Anya.  The soldier had done nothing but take care of her the entire time, and Clarke turned around and did this to her.  She didn’t want to bring any unnecessary attention to herself or Anya, knowing that the dirty blonde would talk to her friends/family if she needed to.

The medical student ignored the looks on the three flatmates’ faces, trying to go for a comfortable smile that was probably a lot smaller than she intended.  They seemed to take the hint and didn’t push her to say anything. 

Everyone eventually split up, deciding that it would be better to take their own cars separately.  Anya, Indra, and Lincoln all claimed to have to prepare for work the next day, so Clarke would be going to the apartment by herself. 

Not too long after, Clarke, Raven, Octavia, and Lexa were sitting on the sofa in their living room talking about their preferred workouts at the gym.

Raven’s idea was fairly simple: “I mean, I can’t exactly freak out and have a leg day, you know?  Abs, though?  Sign me the fuck up!”

Octavia loved the control of it.  She loved being able to work out every part of her body in a single day and feeling the gentle pull in each of her muscles as they stretched and tore and began to repair themselves.  The controlled exchange of inhale and exhale as she contracted and released her muscles.

Lexa loved the time to clear her mind and not focus on anything but the physicality of exercise.  She got to turn her brain off and just listen to her music, going about her business with everyone around her doing the same things but never interfering to overlapping.

Working out was Clarke’s biggest lifeline.  It was the time where she got to focus on nothing but herself and what she needed.  It was a clear-cut method to improve everything she felt needed improving in her physical appearance.  In her day-to-day life, Clarke had little to no control over what happened to her, but in the gym she got to make every decision. She got to feel the power in her veins as she increased the weights on each of her machines – the tangible evidence of her success.  She could feel her body shift to accommodate the improvements that she was making and the power of it sustained her through anything else she had to deal with before she could go back.

The shrill ringing of Lexa’s phone interrupted their conversation, and she picked it up with a comfortable smile on her face. 

“You’ve reached Lexa Woods.”

A confused look crossed her face and she excused herself from the living room, making her way back into her room.  The three girls left behind shrugged, figuring it had something to do with work.

They sat quietly for a bit, just chilling together. 

Octavia was the first one to speak up again, “You know, today is one year to the day that we met.”

Both of the older girls looked over at her as she kept her eyes trained on the blonde’s face.  Octavia studied her newest friend, trying to see what kind of thought might be going through her head.  What she saw, however, made her feel slightly guilty about bringing it up.

There was a storm in blue eyes, tension written across the doctor’s face.  The psychology student could see that she had struck a nerve with her statement and she really wanted to know what Clarke’s sensitivity was concerning their relationship.  The blue-eyed brunette knew that Clarke cared about them and that they cared about Clarke back, and she just wanted the older girl to be comfortable with them.

Raven had a different take on it, however.  She knew that Clarke was uncomfortable with the topic and she could guess where it came from.  Not wanting to push the girl too far too fast, she tried to break through the tension slightly, “Don’t worry, Clarkey, Octopus has a thing about dates.  I think it’s the psycho-analyizer in her.”

“I won’t apologize for how I think!”

A tiny bit of stress released from Clarke’s shoulders as Octavia made a dramatic gesture.  The two brunettes really were incredible at bringing the heavy stuff and immediately breaking the tension.

She couldn’t completely let go of it, though.  Octavia was right, and it hurt Clarke.  Her initial idea had been that she would leave their lives before any of them got attached, but she had broken her silent promise to them and now she was still there a year later.  She wouldn’t bring anything but misery to their lives, but she couldn’t bring herself to just go.  Somewhere along the line, Clarke herself had become attached to the girls and she didn’t know if she could handle not having them in her life.  And that thought itself caused a lot of the self-hatred she felt nowadays.

Lexa walked into the room before anyone could say anything else.  There was even more tension on her face than there had been on Clarke’s, and they could all tell that whatever call she just got hadn’t gone well. 

Before anyone could ask about it, however, the lawyer spoke up, “It’s getting pretty late.  Clarke, you should just crash here for the night.”

It was the first time any of them had so blatantly brought up Clarke’s lack of actual accommodation.  Raven and Octavia shared a look, both silently wondering if it was time to push forward or to keep moving at Clarke’s pace.

Clarke just looked at Lexa, trying to figure out the look in her eyes.  It was obvious that there was something on her mind and, even after all these years, Clarke knew her well enough to know that it was really weighing on her.  No one else would have been able to see it, but these were the people that knew Lexa best and she just couldn’t hide from them.

As much as they tried, however, they couldn’t quite figure out what brought about this change in the older brunette.  Up until that point, she had been adamant that she wouldn’t push her ex-girlfriend, that she would give the girl her space and not interfere in how she was living.  Something happened between the time she got the phone call and the time she came back out to them that changed her outlook.

Lexa tried her best to keep the fear off her face, and she seemed to have succeeded to a point because no one was asking her any questions, but they were looking at her like she more unstable than they had ever seen her.  Octavia and Raven, she knew, wouldn’t try to force any answers out of her or try too hard to analyze what she was hiding.  Clarke, on the other hand, always had a knack for being able to see past her mask and make her face what she was trying to hide.  The lawyer needed Clarke to stay oblivious, though, and she wanted someone to move the conversation forward.

Octavia could see the frantic look appearing in Lexa’s eyes and spoke, “Oh man you’re right.  Dude it’s too late to be driving around now.”

Clarke snuck a glance at the clock by the TV seeing that it was only 11:30 and she turned back to the other girls, eyebrows knit together and scrutiny in her eyes.  She wondered if she should point out that she had been working at a hospital for the last 13 months and had, therefore, been up and around at all hours of the day.  Seeing the way Lexa was trying to hide her desperation behind a look of nonchalance, however, she decided that she would save her ex-girlfriend the aneurysm she was about to have. 

Everyone watched as the Lexa seemed to release the tension that had built up in her shoulders when Clarke nodded.  Her face melted into a content smile before turning to get a cup of water from the kitchen. 

Octavia jumped up from the sofa to follow after her and Raven turned her body to face Clarke.  It was obvious that whatever was going on with Lexa had changed everyone’s mood, but Raven wasn’t about to let it stay uncomfortable.

“You know, the Disney princess gets, like, super excitable, but she’s not wrong.  It’s been a pretty fan-fucking-tastic year.”

Clarke just looked at the mechanic, trying to figure out what, exactly, she could say in response.  She was saved, however, when their two friends came back from the kitchen with cups of water for each of them. 

They all drank their water and let the conversation go back wherever the hell it was going.  Raven was the first one to get up from the sofa, stating that she needed to go and do her exercises before getting ready to sleep.  Lexa offered to go in and help her with them while Octavia and Clarke went downstairs to get some clothes for the blonde to sleep in. 

The two girls made their way to the car in comfortable silence.  Octavia stood by quietly as the doctor pulled her duffel bag out of the trunk.  It was a very spacious trunk and there were compartments separating all of the different areas within, allowing Clarke to keep everything in their designated areas. 

What really tripped the younger girl up, however, was the extra space that Clarke had created.  She just picked up the base of the trunk and there was a whole other level to it, that one also organized to the max. 

As the doctor got what all she needed from the back of her car, Octavia leaned up against the side, watching silently.  After a moment, however, she spoke up, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, but I wasn’t lying, you know?”  Blue yes shot over to meet her own, and Octavia could see the exact moment her confusion turned to understanding.  “I know things were rocky in the beginning since we were all trying to hide it from Lexa and stuff, and my brother was a real dick, but I’m glad that we’re not there anymore.  I mean, it’s fun just getting to hang out.  Like normal.”

Clarke could see what Octavia was saying, and she could also see that the younger girl was struggling with getting her thoughts across, so she offered her as big of a smile as she could get. 

Octavia looked back at Clarke when she felt a hand land on her forearm.  It was the first time the blonde had initiated contact with any one of them, and the smile that was gracing her features added to the beauty of the moment.  She blinked away her emotions, clearing her throat before returning Clarke’s smile and leading them back upstairs.  Her offer to carry Clarke’s bag up for her was turned down, as expected.

Once everyone was changed and ready for bed, Clarke leaned back on the sofa, trying her best to silence her racing thoughts.  Octavia, Raven, and Lexa knew at that point that Clarke’s main condition about staying in their apartment was that she would sleep on the sofa so as to not make anyone uncomfortable by taking their bed.  They had argued with her the first time, but learned easily that she was not to be swayed. 

As she was trying to settle down for the night, her attention was caught by a slight scuffle next to her.  Opening her eyes, she turned her head to see Raven standing next to her.

“I just came to grab a drink before I crash.”

Clarke just nodded, seeing that there was obviously something more on the brunette’s mind.

 “And I, uh, I wanted to say – about what Octavia was saying earlier.  She’s not the only one that appreciates you being here, you know?”  Her right hand came up and scratched at her temple, brown eyes skittering around a bit before settling on the blonde’s face once more.  “You’re pretty kickass, Griff, and I’m glad you’re sticking around.”

The fact that Raven wasn’t using any nicknames showed Clarke just how serious the mechanic was in that moment.  That added realization that they were expecting her to be around and develop a relationship even more just added to Clarke’s already flourishing headache, but she pushed that aside to offer the unexpectedly fidgety brunette a smile as genuine as the one she gave Octavia earlier. 

Raven’s smile broke out into a huge grin, far more characteristic of her usually fiery personality, and she leaned down to give Clarke a friendly punch on the shoulder before telling her to get some sleep.

As Raven was walking back to her room, Lexa walked past her into the living room.  Clarke smiled at her as well, laughing lightly at the way all three girls seemed to be checking in on her. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

It was silent for a moment after that before both girls chuckled at the same time. 

Lexa spoke first, “I just wanted to make sure you were good for the night, but it seems like you already had a visitor to check in on you.”

Clarke smiled at her, “Yea, I’m good.  I promise.”

Lexa took a step closer, stopping just before she reached the sofa.  “I just – I’m really proud of you, Clarke.”  A soft smile crossed her face at the look of confusion on the blonde’s face.  “You’re finally a doctor, Clarke.  It’s all you’ve ever dreamed of being able to do and you’re here.  You made it and you won.”

She choked off at the end, feeling emotions welling in the back of her throat.  They had both made it to their dreams, they had gotten where they always wanted to be, but they lost each other in the process and that made it a bittersweet victory.  Lexa was a part of Clarke’s dream and Clarke was a part of Lexa’s and neither of them could ignore that fact.

Clarke cleared her throat, gathering herself and pushing her thoughts away yet again.  “I’m not the only one who made it big today, Lexa.  You’re finally a lawyer.  I couldn’t be happier for you if I tried.”

The smile that Clarke offered Lexa with that statement was shrouded in pain.  It was hard for both of them to so blatantly ignore this thing that they knew the other knew, but it would have been even harder for them to talk about it in that moment.  They opted for the easy way out, instead. 

“Rest well, Councilor.”

 “Good night, Doctor.”

* * *

 Lexa woke up abruptly to the shrill ringing of her phone.  It had been almost a month since they celebrated everyone making it one step further in life, and life had not been kind to her in the meantime.  Her workload had nearly doubled and she was desperate to take advantage of any moment of sleep she could get.  She debated ignoring the phone, silently cursing the caller and praying to be able to fall back asleep.  As the phone went silent, the tired brunette let out a sigh and settled back into her pillow. 

Before she could even get comfortable once again, the phone started ringing a second time.  Groaning, the lawyer-in-training rolled over and grabbed it, swiping her finger across the screen to accept the call.

“This is Lexa Woods.”

“Lexa, it’s done.  They’re gone and she’s free.  You need to come to her hospital.”

It took her a second to wake up enough to really get what her sister was saying.  As soon as the words made it through the sleepy haze of her mind, Lexa shot up, sitting straight up in her bed, the blanket pooling around her waist. 

“It’s over?”

She didn’t even need the confirmation from Anya before green eyes filled with tears.  Hearing her sister tell her once more that she needed to get to the hospital, Lexa threw herself out of her bed, running around her room and frantically getting herself at least somewhat presentable.

Not caring about what was happening around her, mind preoccupied by what she knew was done but didn’t know would happen, the tall brunette crashed into her cabinet, slamming her foot in the corner and knocking the books had had been resting peacefully to the floor.  Grumbling and cursing everything distracting her from getting dressed, she ignored it and kept going.

The door crashing open, two shadowy figures silhouetted in her doorway by the light from the hallway, caused Lexa to jump up, blood pumping and heart pounding.

Raven and Octavia stood in her doorway, wearing their night clothes and barely awake.  Raven had a crutch in one hand and Octavia had a softball bat in her own.  They looked as though they were ready to go to war and Lexa looked at them as though they were crazy. 

“Dude what the fuck are you doing?”

Lexa just looked between the two of them, trying to figure out how to answer Raven’s question. 

Before she could say anything, though, the weight of what was happening hit her.  She could feel the tears build in the back of her eyes but tried her best to choke them down.  She was done letting her emotions take over.  The realization of what was really happening hit her like a freight train, however, and she stumbled back, knees giving out under her.   

The two younger ladies rushed into the room at seeing Lexa slowly crumble to the ground.  Raven had her sit on the bed while Octavia rushed to grab a t-shirt, quickly pulling it over the lawyer’s head. 

“What’s goin’ on, babe?  What happened?”

Lexa took a couple of deep breaths, gathering her thoughts before presenting what little she knew.

“Anya called me saying that I need to get to the hospital.  I think…I think Cage and Jaha are done…”

Both girls gasped, tears filling their eyes.  They had been trying so hard to come up with some way to get Clarke away from them, and then possibly getting them taken down altogether.  Neither of them were particularly involved in law enforcement, however, and there wasn’t much they knew about doing in this case.  They would never have even dreamed that it would have been done all at once on its own.  No one would have to worry about those shitwads again. 

Raven jumped up after a moment.  “Well, what the hell are we doing here?!  Let’s go get our girl!”

That broke through the tension in the room and everyone laughed at the mechanic’s enthusiasm. 

Within 5 minutes, all three girls were seated in Lexa’s Audi, on their way to the USC Trauma Center.  The jet-black look of the sky and the significant lack of traffic so characteristic to Los Angeles made them all really realize the fact that it was only just past 2:00 in the morning and they had no idea what would be waiting for them at the hospital.

All of them were preoccupied with the thoughts running through their heads and no one noticed what was happening around them until Lexa parked in the Emergency parking lot at the hospital.

They ran through the doors, going directly to the nurse’s station. 

“Can you tell me where Cl – “

“Ma’am, I’m really sorry but visiting hours won’t start again until 6:00.  You’ll have to come back then, I can’t allow anyone back.”

They barely even bothered to notice the exhausted look on the nurse’s face before Lexa was going off again.

“No you don’t understand I have to get back there.  I need to find my – “

“I understand the issue, ma’am, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to wait.  If they’ve only just been brought in then it’s very possible doctors are still working to help your loved one.” 

Not one to be kept from a family member in trouble, Octavia stepped forward, finger raised accusatorily and glare burning on her face, “No you need to understand that – “

“O, don’t,” Lexa spoke up over Octavia.  The last thing they needed to be doing was yelling at the poor nurse who was only doing her job.  Lexa sighed, the pain of separation settling into her bones, “Can you at least tell us what room she’s staying in?”

The nurse sighed, glancing at the doors separating them from the forbidden hallway.  Looking back at the lawyer, she could see the pain in green eyes.  It wasn’t often a patient’s family member came in and managed to keep their cool after being refused access.  She was more than used to being yelled at and threatened.  The fact that this woman had kept herself calm and also managed to calm down her friend made Monroe’s guilt at her refusal run even deeper.

  
“I really am truly sorry, Miss, but unless you’re family, I can’t release that information.”

Before any of them could say anything else, another voice came up from next to them. 

“It’s alright, Roe.  I’ll take them back.”

Lexa’s eyes widened, immediately recognizing the nurse that had been flirting with her the day she came to pick Clarke up and they went to the diner.  “You’re the nurse…”

A soft smile spread across Harper’s face, “And you’re the friend.  The one she won’t tell us anything about.”  Turning to the nurse behind the counter she said, “It’s all good, Monroe.  They’re here for Clarke.”  She had to stop and swallow, voice breaking on the doctor’s name.

They could hear the other nurse – Monroe – inhale sharply at the mention of the doctor and realized that they were also hurting the blonde doctor.

Harper turned back to Lexa and her friend.  “Captain Woods and Sergeant Green told us that you would probably coming by.  I’ll take you back to her now.”

Throwing a thankful statement at Monroe, Lexa practically ran to the doors that would take her to Clarke.  Raven and Octavia were hot on her heels and Harper couldn’t help but feel hopeful that the blonde would allow them past the defenses that she had built so strong.

Harper stopped them all in front of a closed door, wanting to prepare them for what they were going to see, “They brought her in with some other girls who were also with… _those guys_.”

The hatred and rage underlying those last two words reminded everyone once more of what had happened that night and they could all feel their blood boiling.  “She didn’t have any very new injuries, but there was a lot of poorly-healed bones that needed to be reset, so she will be having a couple of surgeries over the next few days to deal with that situation.  Right now, though, the hospital just makes people look really pale and sickly, but know that she is safe and she is relatively healthy.”

All three brunettes exchanged a glance before nodding and moving forward to go into the room, seeing Indra standing immediately within the door.  The sergeant looked at Octavia first, knowing that the girl was going to be affected harshly by what was happening.  She had talked to Indra a lot about her feelings regarding the blonde currently lying in the hospital bed behind her, and Indra had a feeling things were going to get worse.

Resolving to help her minion later, the dark woman turned to the lawyer looking intently at her face.  Indra could see the fear swirling in green eyes; unrest and distress rustling through the forests within.  Despite everything, Indra couldn’t deny that this woman deserved information on the blue-eyed girl.

Lexa kept her eyes trained on Indra’s face.  She was terrified to see what state Clarke was in, but she trusted Indra to tell her what the fuck was going on.

A hand on her arm pulled Lexa out of her fear and she noticed that she hadn’t seen so much emotion on Indra’s face since Clarke’s birthday 6 years ago. 

“She’s being kept in a deep sleep by doctors so that they can monitor her brain function,” the words were whispered, but they echoed in the silence of the hospital room.  “It’s not exactly a coma, but she won’t wake up until they actively try to get her up.  So far, there haven’t been any major complications, but with her history, anything can happen.”

“Ok but how did this happen in the first place?  What the hell is going on?”

Raven always had been direct in what she wanted and it was usually a well-appreciated attribute; it was one of the ways Anya had formed such close bond with her so soon after their meeting.  Today, however, Indra needed a way to sate the mechanic’s curiosity with as little information as possible.

“We took down a ring of sex traffickers with an affiliation to a fight club.  Clarke volunteered to be a contact for us on the inside so we could get more information and – “

“Wait you kept her in there to do your job for you?”

All three women bristled at Octavia’s sharp question.  Lexa could see the pain in Indra’s eyes, though, and she knew that there was no way this was an ideal situation for her either.

“O, just let her explain.  There much have been a reason and we all know how stubborn Clarke gets at the opportunity to help people.”

Indra waited a moment to gather her thoughts, still not knowing what to say or how she felt about any of it.  She decided to go with the safest information.  “They found a lot of poorly healed bones in her body and are concerned that they can cause nerve damage if they go untreated.  The doctor also said he had no idea how she was able to go day-to-day without being constantly in pain.  They're trying to schedule her for a surgery soon to take care of them, but they need to make sure her brain can handle it.  I guess her condition has gotten a bit worse over the last month or so and they're concerned about any permanent damage…”

Raven, Octavia, and Lexa felt a physical pain in their chests at that.  Clarke had been in so much pain and they hadn’t even been able to ask her how she was doing. 

A thought crossed Raven’s head and she looked up quickly, “Wait a second.  How is she going to be able to have all these surgeries?  She starts her residency soon and she doesn’t really have the money to be able to pay for all of this.  What’s going to happen to her?”

“Nothing.  She won’t have to worry about any of it.”  A new voice coming from behind them caused the three flatmates to turn quickly.  Anya was standing there looking more exhausted than any of them had ever seen her.  “The operation was a joint operation between the local PD and the FBI and, with me involved, it involved the military as well.  As a civilian working with the federal government, both the military and the FBI will be paying for any and all expenses that will come to her from this.”

“Yea well it’s the fucking least you guys can do for her.”

Anya sighed and her shoulders sagged even further at Octavia’s words.  Anyone who knew her would know the captain wasn’t one to make any sort of decision lightly, especially one with this much pressure behind it.  Clarke was as much Anya’s little sister as Lexa was and the green-eyed brunette knew that what happened had to be weighing heavily on the older woman’s conscience.

“Dr. Deidre said that the hospital is willing to hold her position in the program until she is able to come back.  She’s really made her mark on everyone here…”

She trailed off with a wistful smile on her face, thinking about how far her baby sister had managed to come.  The path to heaven really does run through miles of clouded hell, and no one deserved to get there more than Clarke. 

At that, everyone turned to look at the girl lying unconscious in the bed, completely unaware of the storm brewing in everyone else’s minds at that moment.  None of them would have thought it possible, but their respect for this girl and her drive to help everyone else just multiplied exponentially. 

Lexa was the first one to take a step forward, closer to her bed.  Before she knew it, she was standing right next to Clarke’s head, looking down at the silent girl.  She had never seen Clarke look this pale or empty.  She was laying in that bed, completely vulnerable and almost broken.  There were tubes coming out of her everywhere and Lexa could feel tears prick the back of her eyes.  Once again, she refused to let them fall, knowing that no one but Clarke deserved any tears. 

She raised a single hand and ran it over blonde locks, pushing them back and leaning down to place a light kiss on her forehead.  Brown hair fell forward onto the younger girl’s face and Lexa took extreme comfort in seeing some of it flutter with the breaths Clarke was releasing.

Standing up once more, the lawyer turned to see that everyone else had moved forward to come stand at the foot of her bed.  Lexa offered them all a smile and Octavia and Raven made their way forward as well.

Once everyone had given their unreciprocated greetings to the doctor-turned-patient, they fell back into a silence.  Before too long, though, Harper and Monroe made their way back into the room with a couple of orderlies pushing in some seats. 

“Technically you guys can’t all be here overnight, but we don’t want to leave Dr. Griffin completely unsupervised.”

It was a bullshit excuse and everyone knew it, but no one would complain.  Octavia helped Indra and Anya set up the seats so that they would be able to at least sit down comfortably. 

Once the hospital staff left, Raven went and sat down on one of the chairs, pulling Anya to come sit with her.  She could tell that the captain was exhausted and she had no doubt that the dirty blonde probably hadn’t slept in an ungodly amount of time.  Twisting awkwardly to situate themselves in an uncomfortable position, Raven rested her head on the older woman’s chest so that she could feel that she was helping at lease someone out.  If Raven was feeling so helpless at the moment, there was no doubt Indra and Anya had to be feeling even more shitty.

Octavia was taking care of Indra at the other chair.  She had taken the dark woman out of the room to get her something to do.  As much as Anya wanted to feel like she was actually helping someone, Raven needed the older woman to hold her anyways, so their arrangement worked.  Both Octavia and Indra needed some sort of physical activity that kept them moving so that they were sitting static and ruminating.  They went on a search for some sort of food or coffee or something. 

Lexa was still at the side of Clarke’s bed, but now she had a seat and was just studying the girl’s face.  She could see every mark, every contour, every perfect blemish on the lax skin.  This was possibly the most serene she had seen Clarke in such a long time, and it was heartbreaking that it was only possible through the medications. 

Sitting there that morning, aware of nothing but the pain that Clarke had been in for so long and the fact that she had been the biggest driving force behind that misery, Lexa swore to herself and her ex-girlfriend that she would do everything in her power to make sure Clarke was able to come back from this.  No matter what happened, she would try to be the friend that Clarke deserved at this time of her life and get her where she deserved to be.

Two hours later, when the doctor walked into the room looking as exhausted as everyone already in the room, Lexa hadn’t slept a wink.  She had been going through all the different ways she could try and help the girl currently lying in front of her.  As the elder man in a white coat stepped further in the room, all the occupants (except one) sat up where they were and waited intently for him to start talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to make this longer, but I needed to get something up lol. Things are going to pick up in this same general situation, but a few days down the line. Things will speed up from here as well, so I hope it doesn't get too out of control! 
> 
> Again, thank you everyone for your support and I'll try and be better about updates.


	18. What Comes Next?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more about Clarke's life is revealed, and there's more information on what was going on with Jaha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm so sorry that these updates are taking so long. This one was supposed to go up days ago but I got sick and I decided to just upload what I have already. This chapter is going to be a bit shorter than my usual chapters, but the next one is going to have quite a bit more content so I hope that makes up for it. 
> 
> I was able to edit this one, but I still apologize for any mistakes.

“It’s a shame that we all have to meet under such circumstances,” the man said.  “I’m Dr. Anton Deidre, and I’ve been working closely with Clarke for many years.”

Lexa immediately sat up at attention.

“I’m not looking over her primary care, but I have been monitoring the doctors who are on her case very closely.  Clarke did not sustain any injuries last night, which was almost a blessing from God.  I had her taken in for an emergency MRI and CT scan as soon as she was brought here since she had already been sedated in the ambulance on the way over.  One thing I’ve learned about Dr. Griffin while working with her is that she does not like having anyone else even ask questions about her, much less about her health status.”  Hearing scoffs from almost everyone in the room, the tired man gave a wistful smile before continuing.  “We did see a grueling amount of poorly healed bones and I discovered that there seemed to be something going on in the section of her brain that has been afflicted with the cerebral ischemia.  Unfortunately, before we were able to try to wake her up, there were some complications and we had to take Dr. Griffin in for some emergency surgery.

“One of her ribs seemed to have been cracked and not yet healed.  So during the night while she was being brought here, something caused the rib to dislodge once again and had punctured a part of her spleen.  She had been bleeding gradually until she got hypovolemic.  We took her in for surgery and had one of our neurosurgeons there to monitor her brain function while under physical stress, but she never did wake up afterwards.  She’d only just been brought back to her room when Captain Woods made her way back here and demanded we allow you all to come visit.”

Everyone turned to look at Anya at that point, who was focused intently on the blonde laying silently on the bed.  They could see the pain in her eyes, as well as the fact that she was almost completely out of touch with what was going on around her.  She had received all of this information beforehand so she could afford to check out, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually take her attention away from her baby sister, lying broken and silent in the bed.

Dr. Deidre coughed lightly, pulling their attention back to him.  “I have to be going now to prep for another procedure, but I will have the neurosurgeon on Clarke’s case come in and talk with you all.”  He turned around to step out the door before turning back slightly, “I would like to say, though, that Dr. Shaw is…special.  Her manner of interaction might be a bit unexpected, but please excuse her.  She is one of the best neurosurgeons we have on staff and we wouldn’t have anything less for Clarke.” 

With that, he walked out of the room, leaving everyone inside to ponder what he meant about this Dr. Shaw.

It wasn’t until about an hour later when they got to meet her.  A woman walked into the room, raven-haired and brown-eyed, chewing on a granola bar.  She was a petite thing, but she had a strong air about her.  They wouldn't have been surprised if she was able to take Lincoln on and come out barely scathes.  She had a hard set to her eyes, however, and no one wanted to think about what it would be like to get on her bad side.  She opened the door and looked at everyone, nodded in recognition, and then walked directly to Clarke’s bed to look at things.

The crew exchanged glances.  Lexa, Indra, and Anya were getting angry at the doctor’s lack of tact.  Never before had they seen a medical professional completely ignore the family members.  Granted, they couldn’t complain that she seemed to be completely focused on Clarke, but that didn’t stop them from wanting information.

Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln were just confused.  The little brunette had acknowledged all of them so it wasn’t like she was oblivious to them being in the room.  There was just something about her that was off.

They all stood around in awkward silence as Dr. Shaw went about her business.  Eventually, she patted Clarke on the shoulder before walking to the door. 

Anya whipped around as the doctor got her hand on the door handle.  “Wait a minute!  Where are you going?”

Dr. Shaw turned around slowly, taking stock of everyone looking at her.  She sighed and mumbled, “Sorry.”  Standing up straight, she met Lexa’s eyes and started speaking almost as if she was reading a script.  “My name is Sameen Shaw and I’m a neurosurgeon.  Dr. Deidre placed me on Dr. Griffin’s case when we first found out about her cerebral ischemia before she started officially working here.  I’ve worked with her closely over the last two years and we’ve become…sort of…friends…?  Anyways, because I’m so familiar with both Clarke and her condition, I will be taking charge of her care while she’s here right now.”

No one quite knew how to respond to the woman.  She spoke almost as if she was talking about some trivial encounter in a cafeteria, not the life of her coworker and their family member.  They could all see that she was dedicated to this case, though, and didn't want to come across as disrespectful so they stayed quiet.

Octavia was the first to speak: “Wait.  If you guys are friends, then how can you be working her case?  Isn’t that, like, a conflict of interest?”

Dr. Shaw sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before she looked up and saw everyone’s eyes watching her intently.  She met Octavia’s blue eyes and answered, “I don’t have conflicts of interest.  I have an Axis II Personality Disorder and I don’t really do the whole 'emotions' thing.  Dr. Deidre was okay with me working on Clarke because he knew that I would be able to keep a level head no matter what happens.  It’s also why I’m kind of shit at bedside manners, as Clarke likes to tell me every time we work together.”

It seemed like that was the doctor’s way of apologizing for her demeanor.  Everyone was a bit preoccupied with the overwhelming amount of shit that had happened over the last few hours to really pay close attention to details like that, though, so no one responded. 

As the doctor walked out of the room, everyone deflated slightly, no longer knowing what to focus on. 

Lexa eventually moved back to the seat next to Clarke’s bed, settling in and focusing on the steady rise and fall of her chest. 

Raven and Anya got back on their seat while Indra quietly pulled Octavia out into the hallway. 

They walked to a quiet portion of the hospital.  It was far too cold to go outside at 6:00 in the morning, but Indra needed isolation to talk to Octavia. 

The two women found some chairs in a corner where no one seemed to see them.  Octavia waited anxiously, trying to figure out what the hell Indra could possible have to tell her.  It had to be something related to what happened with Clarke – there was nothing else important enough to take her attention in this moment. 

Indra cleared her throat, taking a second to try and figure out how she was going to say what she had to say.  She had always been the kind of person who would just say what needed to be said without sugarcoating anything and she wished that would work in that moment.  This information had to be dealt with delicately, however, and the sergeant needed it taken care of as soon as possible. 

“We got a lot of really bad people today.  I can’t tell you any details just yet, but a lot of people have been caught with connections to Jaha, Cane, Nia, and the rest of their operations.”  Brown eyes turned to see the brunette looking at her intently.  She took a deep breath before continuing, “Some of the names that were found were extremely unexpected.”

Indra trailed off at that and Octavia felt a chill enter her heart.  There was only one reason Indra would ever ben telling her information like this: if she had a connection to somebody they caught.  She only had two people in her life that weren’t already in Clarke’s room, though, and she had an idea where this was going to go.

Tears filled blue eyes as Indra finally got up the courage to tell the younger girl who she was about to lose.  “Detective Bellamy Blake’s name was one of the first names that came up as having been a regular of Thelonius Jaha’s establishment.”

Octavia felt all the breath leave her body in a single sob as she felt her world shatter.  Immediately, though, she pulled herself together and sat up straight.  She had known that something was up with her brother for months at that point, but she never would have imagined it would be something that fucked up. 

Memories went flooding through her head as Indra’s words echoed around in her mind.  She thought back to when they were just kids, playing in the backyard and laughing with each other, happier than they had ever been.  She remembered the time she fell at her first soccer game, but scored a goal right after and Bellamy lifted her up on his shoulders and paraded her around like she was a hero.  He was her hero, in that moment, and she never would have imagined that a hero could fall so fatally. 

Indra watched as Octavia’s eyes glazed over, tears streaming down her face silently.  She didn’t answer as the darker woman called to her softly and the sergeant sighed, knowing this wasn’t going to be something the younger girl just bounced back from.  Bellamy was the only connection to family she had left and that was about to be ripped from her. 

Not wanting to leave her minion by herself, Indra pulled out her phone and texted Anya to send Raven. 

_“Octavia needs Raven.”_

_“What happened?”_ She received a response almost immediately. 

_“I told her.  I had to.”_

_“Fucking hell, Indra.”_ And not long after that, _“She’s on her way.”_

Octavia was still sitting frozen as Raven came rushing down the hall.  She had no idea what was happening other than Anya told her that Octavia needed her.

Unable to kneel on the ground with her brace on, Raven sat down on the chair Indra had vacated.  Brown eyes immediately took note of the tears snaking their way down the younger brunette’s face.

Lifting her right hand, Raven ran her fingers through Octavia’s hair, pushing it back out of her face and reaching down to cup her jaw, using her thumb to brush away some of the tears.  Octavia raised her own arms and grabbed onto the mechanic’s, clutching it desperately and burying her face in the older girl’s elbow. 

Raven’s face shot up to look at Indra and noticed the turmoil there too.  All she could do was ask, “What happened?”

Octavia released a single sob as she clutched Raven’s arm tighter.  She couldn’t pull herself out of her hunched position, so Raven turned back to Indra for an answer. 

“Detective Blake has been arrested for association and business with Thelonius Jaha and Cage Wallace.”

Raven felt everything freeze around her.  She knew that everything was about to change even more, especially for her best friend.  The mechanic felt her heart break as she looked back at the girl now crying with abandon.  Her best friend was about to lose her brother to the realization that he was a monster.  Maybe he hadn’t always been one, but he was no longer the same Bellamy he once was apparently.

Underneath the pain for Octavia, Raven could feel a piece of herself fall away as well.  Bellamy had been like a brother to her at one point as well, allowing her to live with them when she had no one else.  She couldn’t help the nagging voice in the back of her head telling her that she was destined to lose everyone that cared about her.

Pushing the voice away, Raven moved up to pull Octavia into her lap.  The younger brunette curled up on their shared chair, tucking her head into Raven’s neck and crying even harder.  The sobs stopped eventually and Raven could feel Octavia releasing hot breaths on her skin.  The clamminess of it brought Raven out of her head space and she turned her attention fully to the younger girl.

Calloused fingers made their way through long strands of hair as Raven whispered soft words in an attempt to comfort her best friend.  Indra had walked away already so Raven was able to focus on Octavia alone, but she couldn’t help but wish someone was there to help her.  Octavia deserved so much more.

Her attention was snatched when she felt Octavia’s body sag even further before she spoke, “Why, Raven?  Just…why would he do this?”

Raven sighed, pressing her lips to the girl’s head.  “I don’t know, babe.  I’m so sorry, but I don’t know what happened…”

The tears started for both of them once again, though much softer this time.  Now they were just overwhelmed by everything that had happened that night. 

Octavia eventually cried herself to sleep in Raven’s lap and the mechanic knew that she would’ve lost feeling in her leg if she didn’t already have no feeling there.  She stayed in that position, though, holding the girl close, knowing how much the contact would comfort her in the moment.  Every few minutes, the psychology student would squirm and whimper and Raven would press soft kisses into whatever skin she could reach, running her hand up and down her side in as comforting a manner as she could. 

After about an hour of that, Raven turned her head to the sound of footsteps coming their way. 

Lincoln was walking towards them, looking more exhausted than he had every looked before.  He had taken his uniform top off so he was just wearing a black t-shirt and his uniform pants.  His feet were barely making it off the floor and his shoulders were hunched forward in a way that made him look as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.  Considering his family was being thrown around by a hurricane, that probably wasn’t too far off. 

Raven watched as he came and knelt right next to them, lifting a hand to stroke through Octavia’s hair.  He caressed her face with such a soft touch that Raven felt Octavia get lighter in her lap. 

The sleeping girl slowly started moving again, pulling herself up out of her curled up position and looked up to see her two favourite people looking down at her.  A smile started crossing her face and she leaned forward to give Lincoln a kiss when the events of a few hours before crossed her mind once again. 

A look of fear crossed her face once again and she turned her head to look at Raven.  Seeing an undeniable confirmation in the mechanic’s face, blue eyes once again filled with tears and Octavia flung herself at Lincoln, throwing her arms around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder.

Raven and Lincoln both felt tears fill their eyes at the way Octavia broke once more.  Lincoln wrapped his big arms around her shaking form while Raven was left to comfort herself.  It was times like these she felt loneliest.

Octavia pulled back much quicker this time, sitting on the ground with her back against the chairs.  Lincoln fell back on his bum as Raven pulled herself down to sit with them.  Her leg stuck out of their little triangle and she massaged at the top of the brace, grateful to finally be able to stretch it out.

A hand snaked its way into the older brunette’s, and Raven turned to see Octavia looking at her apologetically.  Giving a soft smile, Raven lifted their entwined hands and pressed a kiss to the back of Octavia’s, running her thumb over her knuckles. 

“How are you doing, love?”

Octavia sighed, leaning her head on Raven’s shoulder as she contemplated the older girl’s question. 

“I don’t know.  I just –“ Lincoln placed a hand on her thigh, anchoring her to the two people in her life that could keep her strong.  “What the hell happened?”

“I’m so sorry, my love.  We don’t know what happened yet, but we plan on asking him.  You can ask him, too, if you want to see him some-“

“No!”  Octavia was suddenly completely tense and looked ready to fight.  “I never want to see him again.”

Lincoln deflated slightly.  That hadn’t been his intention.  “I know it’s tough, O, but – “

“No, Linc, you don’t understand.  He’s changed so much over the years.  I barely even recognized him recently, but I never thought he could actually go this low.  He’s a monster and this is fucking disgusting and nothing he says can ever excuse it.  I want to believe that he’s still my brother, but something happened and he’s changed.”  With that, the fiery brunette jumped up from the ground and started pacing, wringing her hands through her hair and pulling.  “ _God_ , I can’t even imagine what all he must’ve done with Jaha to be found so fast.  Who was he with?  How far did he fall when he was a _customer?_ ”  The word was spit out with such disdain, Raven was surprised Bellamy didn’t burst into flames wherever he was sitting. 

All of a sudden, Octavia froze, a look of abject fear on her face.  She turned to Lincoln and Raven, wide eyes unfocused and glazed over.  “Do you…Do you think he ever did anything to Clarke?”

The brunette’s voice got gradually quieter until it broke off at the end.  Blue eyes held such turmoil within them that neither Lincoln nor Raven knew what to say. 

“Son of a bitch,” she said.  It was barely a whisper, but it was enough to bring attention back to Octavia.  “That fucking son of a bitch.  Maybe that’s why he’s hated having Clarke around so much.  Maybe that’s why he has so much dirt on her and he didn’t want me talking to her even a little!  That fucking asshole.”  Octavia resumed her pacing and ranting.  “I told him _months_ ago that if he did anything to hurt somebody I care about I’d be done with him.  I swear to fuck if he’s done anything to Clarke I will personally make sure his life becomes a living hell.”

Lincoln decided that was where he had to stop her.  No matter what Bellamy did, he was still the only family Octavia had left from her childhood and he knew this was hurting her underneath all of the anger. 

Grabbing his girlfriend from her upper arms and stopping her to look him in the eyes, Lincoln said, “It’s okay to be angry, Octavia.  It’s okay to be furious.  But it’s also okay to be sad and hurt.  Bellamy’s done a terrible thing, something he’ll never be able to come back from.  And it’s okay to be sad.” 

Octavia could feel herself start to break once more while looking into soft, brown eyes.  She shook her head, falling forward and leaning her forehead against her boyfriend’s chest, hearing his heartbeat and feeling the steady rise-and-fall of his sternum, allowing it to calm her down.  She clenched her eyes shut, willing the emotions back and the tears to stay at bay.  The brunette tried saying something, but she couldn’t get the words out and so just stayed wrapped in her boyfriend’s arms. 

Raven watched the two hold each other, offering comfort while taking some at the same time.  She decided to give them their space and got up to make her way back down the hall.  Moving after being in the same position for so long was a little uncomfortable, so she decided to keep walking around to give herself time to stretch. 

Making her way down the hallways, Raven watched as more people started walking in and out, meeting people and seeing those who were patients.  Raven couldn’t help but be slightly jealous of the ones that were actually able to talk to their loved ones.  At that point, Clarke was still asleep or unconscious or in a coma or what-the-fuck-ever, and her doctor was a person that felt no emotions.  Raven had no way of knowing that she would even be able to talk to Clarke again. 

The areo-mechanical engineer was so used to losing the people she cared about.  She didn’t even know who her father was; she lost her mom when she was barely a teenager – I mean, in all honesty, she had lost her mom years before that, but that was the day she left and never looked back.  Her relationship with Octavia was almost the longest relationship she’d ever had.  Bellamy had taken her into his home with Octavia when she needed someone most, and Octavia had never left her side. 

She’d lost Bellamy too, after what happened with Echo.  Octavia might not have been able to pinpoint what happened to Bellamy, but she had figured it out.  Raven spent so long analyzing every aspect of her life, every little change that was made that had the possibility of even slightly changing anything.  The day Bellamy found out that Echo cheated on him, he completely checked out.  His demeanor changed and he got even more over protective/controlling than he had been before.  Now it was just official that Raven had lost him too. 

It was only a matter of time before she lost Octavia.

The braced brunette was so deeply absorbed in her own internal musings that she wasn’t completely paying attention to where she was going.  She bumped into someone and was pulled back to the realm of reality, only to find herself looking deep into dark brown eyes. 

“Dr. Shaw.”

“Mhmm.  The brace means you must be Raven.”

The younger brunette was taken aback at that.  She wasn’t expecting the stoic doctor to actually know who any of them were.  When Dr. Shaw had said that she and Clarke were friends, Raven thought that it was just a way of faking some connection with Clarke to get them to warm up to her.  It brought up the question, though, of what all Clarke had said about them. 

“Clarke was talks about how impressed she os with the improvements you made to the brace.  Don’t worry, she doesn’t talk smack on you guys.”

Raven was slightly weirded out that this lady could read her so well, but she didn’t particularly know how to respond.  They stood in silence for a few moments, Raven getting increasingly more uncomfortable at the unwavering expression on the doctor’s face.

“Does she have any other friends?”

Dr. Shaw watched her face for a moment, not responding and seemingly not acknowledging the fact that she had even said anything.  Raven was starting to get irritated and was just preparing to walk away before she finally heard the doctor start talking. 

“Everyone here cares about her.  Dr. Griffin has been one of the most motivational students we’ve had come through this hospital in a long time, and she’s managed to help every one of us in one way or another.  She doesn’t let people get close to her, though.  There isn’t a single person here that would turn away the opportunity to help her, but there also isn’t another person in this hospital that Clarke would talk to for help.  The only reason she talks to me about anything is that she knows I don’t do emotions well and she won’t have to worry about me reacting to them like other people.  She goes and visits the server girl from that diner, but they never do anything to be considered friends.”  A shrill, beeping sound interrupted them, pulling Dr. Shaw’s attention from Raven.  Looking down at her phone, the taller brunette pulled herself straighter and started walking forward, indicating for Raven to follow behind her. 

Raven had no idea where she was being led, and she really didn’t know how to get back to Clarke’s room from where she was. 

“Dr. Shaw - ”

“Please.  ‘Dr. Shaw’ is just what I have to introduce myself as when being professional.  Just call me Shaw.”

Raven nodded slowly, taking that in while keeping strides with the taller woman. 

Shaw started talking again before Raven could even figure out what she wanted to ask.

“Clarke doesn’t talk to anyone else here.  She doesn’t have anyone else that she tells about her day or discusses anything with.  But she talks about you guys whenever she can.  You’re all she has in her life right now and you’re the only reason she’s survived.  Maybe she’ll be able to grow up now.”

Brown eyes studied the stoic woman’s unchanging face.  She watched as Shaw led them to Clarke’s door.  Raven probably should’ve realized that that’s where they were headed, but she was slightly preoccupied with everything the doctor was saying. 

Raven walked into the room to see Lexa still sitting by Clarke’s bed, looking as though her entire world had frozen her in one spot.

In all honesty, it probably had.

Anya and Indra were on the opposite of the room, whispering over a table and looking through different papers.  They both stopped what they were doing as Raven and Shaw walked into the room, standing up straight and looking intently at the doctor.

Lincoln and Octavia had been sitting in one of the chairs, tears dried on the girl’s cheeks and Raven wished she could do something to magically take all of her pain away. 

Everyone’s attention was on the doctor as the two of them walked in.  Raven went directly to Octavia’s side.

They watched and observed as the odd brunette checked Clarke over once again, reading through her chart and making some notes.  She explained to everyone in the room that nothing had changed significantly and that she would be back with the results from all the tests they had run on the quiet blonde.  Not receiving any questions, Shaw walked out of the room.

 A few hours after Shaw had visited the room last, Harper walked in with another woman. Anya and Indra had gone to the police station to get some work done and Lincoln had taken Octavia home to get some rest. 

Raven was sitting at the table on the side doing some work while Lexa still hadn’t moved from her position at Clarke’s side.  Both girls looked up as Harper walked in and a look of recognition flashed across Lexa’s face. 

“You’re the girl from…”

“You’re the not-girlfriend.”

Raven and Harper exchanged a look at the understanding that the other two in the room somehow knew each other.

Harper made her way further into the room with the dirty blonde.  Before she could say anything, though, the stranger-girl spoke.

“Harper told me what happened with Clarke and I wanted to come check in on her…or something…”

Lexa couldn’t help but eye the girl curiously.  She had no idea why the server from the diner would come to check on Clarke.  It hit her once again in that instant, though, that she really had no idea what went on in Clarke’s life.  Maybe Clarke did have some sort of a relationship with the server and Lexa just didn’t know about it. 

Having the blonde back in her life but not knowing anything about her was something she would just have to learn to understand.

Niylah could see that everyone was on edge and she couldn’t really blame them.  She was technically a stranger and, considering what little she knew about Clarke, they probably didn’t know much about her.  After all, Clarke didn’t seem like the kind of girl that actually went around talking to people about her days.  Unless she was just silent and stoic with her… Then this would be even weirder than it already was.

Thinking through all of this, hazel eyes fell on the unmoving figure on the bed and tears immediately welled up.  Niylah had never seen Clarke as anything but strong, but in that moment she just looked so small.  She was laid in the middle of the bed with a large space around her, massive monitors surrounding her and making her seem smaller by the second. 

Her hand flew up to her mouth as she took a couple of steps closer to the bed.  The brunette standing at Clarke’s side didn’t waiver, allowing Niylah to approach but still making it clear that that was her territory.  The one at the table was still just eyeing her curiously.

The server reached one hand out and placed it on the railing of the bed.  Standing so close to Clarke and seeing just how much of a toll her life had taken on her, Niylah wasn’t able to hold back her tears.  They started silently streaming down her face, jumbling her thoughts and making everyone else in the room start to get emotional once more.

Raven eyed the bag the new girl had brought with her.  It was a small plastic bag, sitting just inside the door where Harper was still watching the scene before her.  Harper looked over and followed Raven’s gaze to the bag by her feet.  Looking back up and meeting brown eyes, the nurse shrugged before grabbing the bag and stepping forward.

Niylah turned and finally pulled her eyes away from the silent girl on the bed.  Wiping her tears from her cheeks, the server eyed her friend behind her before remembering the bag she had brought with her.  Chuckling brokenly, she reached forward and looked at the bag reverently.

Everyone’s eyes were on her as Niylah slowly pulled a long, tubular thing out of her bag.  Hazel eyes looked up and locked with green over the still figure between them and Lexa immediately recognized the look there.  Whatever friendly relationship Clarke had with her, Niylah was interested in something more.  Lexa knew that heartbreak that took over everything else when someone you were falling for goes through hell better than anyone, but she had no idea how to help the girl across from her then.  She didn’t even know if she wanted to.

Niylah walked over to the table opposite Clarke bed and placed the candle there, turning around to see three pairs of eyes watching her studiously and feeling her heart throb when she didn’t see the one pair that she wanted to.

“Clarke said that she loved the smell of the diner.  She liked to laugh about the name of my candles sometimes, but this one was always her favourite.  I don’t know… I just thought it might make her laugh a little when she woke up.”  The server trailed off, looking at the candle once more. 

“What’s the – uh, what’s the scent?”

No one was more surprised than Lexa when she heard her own voice speaking up.  The lawyer had wanted nothing more than to ignore the other girl and pretend that she meant nothing to Clarke, but apparently she couldn’t bring herself to really forget her.  If she was someone that brought Clarke any sort of comfort, Lexa really couldn’t rightly justify hating her. 

Niylah laughed softly, “It’s called ‘Crisp Autumn Night’.  She always jokes about how specific the name is.”

Lexa didn’t hear the second comment.  Her mind had already taken her back to their second year of undergrad.  A memory slammed into her so hard she could feel the breath leave her body.

_Lying on their backs on the blanket in the grass, looking up at the stars littering the expanse of the sky, hands intertwined, Clarke and Lexa had never felt so together.  It was a relatively cool night, but not so unbearable that they were cuddled up under the blanket.  Clarke had her arm under her head, watching as the entirety of the sky stayed exactly the same, not changing a thing.  Lexa flicked her eyes back and forth, eyeing the sprinkling of stars but spending more time absorbing the look of complete and utter calm on her girlfriend’s face._

_September was a tough time for both of them.  Clarke would get stuck in memories of everything that had gone on in her life before meeting Lexa, remembering a hell that she didn’t always believe she had made it out of.  Lexa was always thrown into imagining what all her love had gone through and not being able to help her through it in the way she deserved._

_That night, however, neither of them were in that loop.  They made it out of their usual setting, coming to a place that they knew both of them would be comfortable and safe, together without anyone else to remind them of their trials and tribulations._

_Clarke eventually turned on her side, keeping her hand tucked under head and resting it on the bend of her elbow.  Blue eyes traced the strong profile in front of them, the look of absolute peace on the face of the one person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.  The blonde couldn’t stop the smile that graced her face, splitting it so brightly that Lexa could feel it on her skin._

_As the brunette’s head turned and green eyes met blue, sparks flew between the two of them.  They would never tire of the connection they felt every time they were alone._

_An inquisitive smile broke across Lexa’s face and she quirked an eyebrow, confused by the look her girlfriend was giving her._

_Clarke just reached a hand forward and traced her thumb along Lexa’s jaw, softly caressing the skin she felt there and leaning forward to place the softest whisper of a kiss against her lips.  Lexa instinctively followed after Clarke’s lips as the pre-medical student pulled away from her, but their foreheads rested together and that proximity was almost enough to sate Lexa’s desire.  Almost._

_“What was that for, love?”_

_Clarke’s smile grew tenfold at the pet name.  She would never admit it out loud, but those little names made her heart race in a way she could never explain.  They were sometimes the only things that kept her alive._

_Her thumb gently stroked the skin underneath it once more and Clarke looked deep into green eyes, trying to convey all of her emotions through that single bout of eye contact._

_It worked, of course, and Lexa could feel the emotions swirling in the space between them.  She could feel everything Clarke was feeling but couldn’t say, and she felt her heart grow exponentially to fit all of the love in her.  Neither of them could have ever imagined a moment so perfect, and they would give anything to be able to stay like that forever._

_A few weeks after that night, Clarke and Lexa were once more cuddled together, though this time in their own bed in their apartment._

_Lexa was sitting up against the headboard on their bed, absentmindedly stroking the head of blonde hair that was resting on her stomache.  Clarke had climbed into bed with her after getting home from her last class of the day and immediately collapsed in her lap.  The pre-law student hadn’t expected anything less, knowing what the day meant to the girl._

_It was the anniversary of the day Clarke and Lexa had met.  It was the anniversary of the day Clarke first felt hope that things would eventually be good for her again.  The day Clarke finally found the first piece of her family._

_Clarke’s entire body was coiled tight, on edge and tensed to the point that Lexa feared she could burst with the slightest bit of pressure.  That tension also made her fragile, though, and Lexa knew that she could break just as easily._

_She was surprised, of course, when Clarke spoke in a very collected voice.  There was a strain behind it, of course, but it was far calmer than Lexa would have anticipated._

_“Do you remember that night?  The night we went to the park for the stars?”_

_Lexa hummed her acknowledgment, scratching lightly at Clarke’s scalp and smiling softly when some of the tension left the blonde’s body.  She sat silently and let Clarke just say everything she needed to.  The brunette felt herself calm down slightly when Clarke’s hand moved to rest on her thigh, lightly stroking the skin there as if to ground herself._

_“I think that was my favourite night.  I always go back to that night when I need to.  Everything about it was just perfect.  The way the grass felt, the blanket, your lame sandwiches,” they both chuckled at that.  “My favourite part, though, was the smell, I think.  It smelled like the cold autumn air and it was just so calm.  Every time I smell it now, I think of that night and I think of you and I know that, no matter what else happens, we’ll always be okay.”_

Lexa was pulled out of her memories by the sound of someone calling her name.  Looking around, she saw that everyone was watching her and she quickly tried to asses what she had missed.

Raven was looking at her with such a look of sympathy and she just wanted to figure out what happened.  It didn’t take her long to realize that they were eyeing the tears making their way down her cheeks.

Quickly wiping them away, Lexa apologized to everyone and turned away to gather herself. 

Both Niylah and Harper realized that they had probably overstayed their welcome and they made to get out of the room.  Before leaving, though, Niylah made her way back to Clarke’s bedside and looked down gloomily at the still figure laying there.  She reached her hand out and gently placed it on top of Clarke’s, wishing beyond all else that the doctor would just grasp it back, but knowing that she wouldn’t.

Looking up to see green eyes watching her attentively, Niylah smiled apologetically before bidding them all goodbye and making her way out of the room.

Lexa watched the door close behind the two girls silently before she turned back to look at the girl lying in the bed.  She was at a loss as to what to do then, not knowing how she was supposed to react to any of it.  Tears built up in the back of her eyes once more, coming easily as she thought of all of the pain she couldn’t save the younger girl from.  They filled her eyes so that green irises were swimming in the salty liquid before jumping over the precipice of her eyelids and landed on the stark white bed-sheet, bringing the brunette down with them. 

The lawyer fell to her knees by Clarke’s head, unable to handle everything that was happening.  Her life was moving so fast and it was nothing like she had expected it would be, and the only person who could understand that was currently in a coma and no one seemed to know if she would ever wake up. 

Lexa jerked her head up from its spot on the bed when she felt a hand land on her shoulder.  Looking up, green eyes met brown and she could feel the sympathy and pain rolling off Raven in waves.  Raven coaxed her gently into a standing position, pulling her back to sit in the chair behind her.  Not wanting to be pulled too far away from Clarke, her hand stayed grasping the white bedding desperately.

She fell asleep like that, curled up and ragged, tear stains marking her cheeks in a way that would make anyone who witnessed the scene feel a stab of sympathy.  Her hand stayed clutched within the sheets on Clarke’s bed and when the smell of the autumn air finally made its way through the room and into Lexa’s nose, bringing back memories of the good days when their life was everything they could’ve wanted, the lawyer finally relaxed a little bit, allowing herself to finally be lulled into a deeper sleep, letting go of the nightmare that had become her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that actually ended up going somewhere I wasn't expecting at all. I kind of like that scene between Clarke and Lexa under the stars. 
> 
> Anyways, I have no idea when the next update will be, and I feel like shit for that. I wasn't planning on the story being this long lol so I'm having to write as I go now. The first 12 or so chapters were already written when I started posting this but it's gotten a lot bigger than I anticipated. All the same, it'll come and I really hope it won't be too bad. My schedule is kind of making it crazy difficult to write, though. I've made a schedule for ever day of the week and I've managed to get an hour in between classes two days a week and sometimes on Saturdays depending on how much homework I have, but that's not really enough to get updates going every Friday. I really will try and get better with it, though! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been leaving comments and kudos. I'm so sorry that I'm not able to respond to them but life has been so insane the last few weeks. If you guys are still with me, I'd love if you dropped a comment on this chapter!


	19. Ah, Shoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn more of Clarke's life at the hospital and things move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, guys, I can't apologize enough for the wait in getting this chapter up. I've have three funerals in the last two weeks and another one this weekend and, just in the last week, I've had six exams and three 5-page papers due. It's insane. 
> 
> However! Here is the next chapter and I hope it will be worth the wait. I apologize for any mistakes and I promise the next chapter will push things forward significantly!

Later in the afternoon everyone had made their way back to Clarke’s room and were setting up a schedule that would allow at least one of them to be with Clarke at all times.  Anya was working on the Jaha situation exclusively at that point so she would be the most flexible and Lexa had determined that she would do her damnedest to not leave the room for more than a few hours at a time.  Indra and Lincoln were going to be busy at the precinct for a while and no one knew how long it would take them to deal with the shitstorm that came with taking someone like Thelonius Jaha down.

Octavia had to go to her classes whenever she could, but she was able to do all of her homework in the hospital when she needed to so she was with Clarke whenever she could be.  The psychiatrist she had been shadowing was very understanding when she explained what little of the situation she could.

Raven was lucky that her bosses were as understanding as they were.  They had essentially given her a packet of paperwork to look over and report back to them on any discrepancies she could find.  She was trying to make her way further in the ranks within the company and if she could establish herself as an actual engineer as opposed to just an apprentice, she could go so far so fast.

They were all in the room that afternoon, having just eaten a late lunch, and were trying to figure out what their next steps would be.

Everyone could see that Octavia was relatively out of it, and no one could blame her for that.  Her life was being thrown in a storm and they all knew that she would come out with another piece missing.  Sitting in that room though, the young brunette knew that she wouldn’t lose her actual family in the end.  Everyone she needed was in that room with her, and she could only hope and pray that she didn’t lose anyone else.

Raven had somewhat receded into herself throughout the day.  She was all too used to losing people at that point and she didn’t know how else to prepare herself for the possibility of losing those around her.  For most of the day, she was essentially sitting in that room by herself.  Clarke was silent and unresponsive, the steady beeping of the machines the only indication that she wasn’t gone for good and Raven hated it.  It was a consistent, nagging, obnoxious reminder that she was just on the precipice of losing another member of her family.  Lexa was about as silent as Clarke was and Raven knew she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to bother her in any case.

Anya was the first person to notice the usually energetic brunette’s change in demeanor.  She and Indra were the first ones back to the hospital as Lincoln and Octavia had offered to pick up food on their way in.  The soldier saw the way Raven had curled up on the chair in the corner, pulling her legs into herself in a way that had to be uncomfortable with the brace on.  She walked torn between who to go to first: Clarke, Lexa or Raven?  Knowing that both Lexa and Clarke weren’t going anywhere, the dirty blonde made her way to the occupied chair in the back of the hospital room and knelt down beside it.

Grey eyes locked on to the lost look on the younger girl’s face and Anya hated it.  She wished she could save all those around her from the pain of everything going on around them, but the only thing she could really do was help them deal with the aftermath.  Lexa and Clarke would have everyone else, but Raven would try to push through and not take any of the attention from them.

Reaching a hand forward slowly as to not startle the occupied girl, Anya brushed her fingers through raven locks and offered a small smile when brown eyes finally focused on her face. 

Raven blinked a few times, taking note of the fact that Anya was right there and looking at her so carefully.  She had to blink again to keep the tears from filling her eyes and she offered back the strongest smile she could muster.  It still wasn’t much, but it was all she had.

Anya sighed, deflating slightly.  Whatever thoughts had Raven stuck in her head were deep and she wouldn’t be able to get them out immediately.  The soldier lifted herself up slightly, leaning forward and pressing a kiss into the mechanic’s hair.  She rested her forehead there when she felt Raven release a sigh and some of the tension left her tightly coiled body.

Everyone’s heads turned when Lincoln and Octavia walked into the room with bags in their hands and they started getting settled to eat something.  None of them really had any appetite, but they knew that they had to eat a little bit. 

Octavia could see the shadows dancing in Raven’s eyes and she immediately settled herself next to her, wanting to make sure that she could offer any comfort she could.  As the mechanic made her way to the back wall of the room, separating herself from everyone else around them, Octavia grabbed a Styrofoam container and made her way to the older brunette.  She could see the guarded look in brown eyes and she knew that she would have to do something to help pull her best friend out of whatever funk she was in.  Octavia sidled up next to the quiet brunette and slipped her hand into Raven’s, attempting to send all of her love to the older girl through that touch. 

Raven’s head whipped to the side at the contact to see blue eyes studying her face intently.  The adoration and appreciation she saw in them hit Raven in a way she wasn’t expecting.  Raven had thought that she was going to lose Octavia – she had been preparing herself to have to let go of the blue-eyed brunette, but Octavia had just managed to grab her even tighter and assure her that they would stay together. 

Feeling a bit of her security come back to herself, Raven squeezed Octavia’s hand right back, shooting her a soft smile before taking the sandwich from her hands and turning to look at everyone else in the room.

That was about an hour ago, however, and now they were all discussing who would be going home when and who would be staying at the hospital. 

As they were finalizing the schedule for the week, Dr. Shaw walked into the room with another woman.

“Good afternoon, everyone.  This is Root, she is the nurse that has been working with me on Clarke’s case since I started working with her.”

The taller woman smiled at everybody so sweetly that they had no idea how she was able to work with Shaw.  Where the doctor hadn’t given them a single indication of any emotion, this nurse was practically bouncing where she stood. 

“It’s so good to finally meet all of you.  I promise you that we are going to do our best to make sure Clarke’s recovery is swift and efficient.”

The crew watched as Dr. Shaw went through her usual tests with the silent blonde, not looking up when any of them asked questions.  Granted, there wasn’t much that they could ask anyways.  No one knew much about Clarke’s condition and they didn’t know what they could ask without feeling like they were betraying their fragile friend’s trust. 

The tests didn’t alert them to anything new, which was sadly to be expected.  It had only been two days since Clarke had been brought in so they weren’t necessarily expecting her to wake up from the coma immediately.  They needed to make sure her brain was functioning basically before they reduced her medication anyways.  Still, despite that, it was almost completely up to Clarke to wake up and Shaw couldn’t bring herself to admit that she was afraid to take away the medication in case the blonde couldn’t wake herself up.

Shaw and Root left not long after coming in, and everyone was thrown back into trying to figure out what to do next.  None of them wanted to leave; they wanted to stay with Clarke the whole time and make sure she knew they were all there for her.  They all knew that that was unreasonable, however, and Clarke would probably feel even worse if they put their lives completely on hold. 

Indra and Anya decided that they would stay until that night so that Raven, Octavia, and Lexa could go back to their apartment and grab clothes and arrange what they would need for the next few days.  Lincoln had to go to the precinct for some paperwork and he would be going to stay with Indra and Anya when he got it all. 

Nurses were in and out of Clarke’s room over the next few hours – mainly Root, Harper, and Monroe – and they went about their business without disrupting the flow Clarke’s family had found themselves in.  Dr. Deidre had come by during the day as well, talking to all of them and trying to answer their questions.  He tried to assure them all that Clarke was most likely just so physically exhausted that her body was finally taking an opportunity to rest.  The crew couldn’t help but think the worst, though, remembering all the things Clarke seemed to have been through over the last many years.

It wasn’t until about 2 in the morning when Shaw actually came back herself.   She looked positively exhausted, hair falling out of her ponytail and shoulders lacking their usual rigid posture.  She walked into the room a little, eyeing the three figures inside before stepping closer to Clarke’s bed.

The stoic brunette grabbed the chart sitting at the end of the bed, ignoring brown eyes that were following her every move.  Clarke’s not-girlfriend was curled up in her usual spot with her hand close enough to keep its hold on Clarke somehow, sleeping in what had to be an extremely uncomfortable position.  The brunette on the other side of the room, however, had her little lamp on and was penning away at some packet of papers.

Putting the chart down and allowing a moment of eye contact with the aero-mechanical engineer, Dr. Shaw turned and made her way out of the patient’s room. 

Raven walked out after Shaw, needing to know more.   She had been running through different scenarios in her head and none of them were comforting.  She was so afraid of losing yet another member of her family and she needed anything, any small bit of hope she could find to hold onto and keep herself together. 

“Hey!”

Shaw turned around, blank expression on her face.

“I need to know…” Raven could feel her reserve start to dwindle.  She had been trying to stay strong for Lexa, but asking the question she had been dying to ask for so long she didn’t know if she could keep the façade up any longer.  “I just…Is she going to be okay?”

For the very first time, Raven saw emotions flash across the doctor’s face.  She didn’t want to assume that she was above whatever condition Shaw had, but maybe the quiet brunette actually did care about Clarke in a bigger way.

Shaw could see the barely masked fear in Raven’s face and she knew that she had to five an answer.  As she thought about what her answer should be, the usually closed-off doctor could feel herself get flustered.

“Dr. Shaw, please – ”

“I don’t know!”

Both brunettes froze at the doctor’s outburst.  Neither one of them would have expected for Dr. Shaw to explode like that. Whether it came form Raven’s questions or the fact that Shaw just didn’t have any answers to the questions they all had, something had caused the tension within her to bubble over.  As soon as it was out, however, the taller woman scowled and pulled the mechanic into an empty room, remaining mindful of her brace. 

As soon as they were far enough into the room to close the door, Shaw spun around to look at Raven.  There was a look in her eyes that froze the younger girl where she was.

“Dr. Griffin’s condition is very sensitive.  She has an extremely complicated medical history and we need to pay very careful attention to how she changes from here-on-out.  We were monitoring her closely before all of this and we did see an improvement in the ischemic region of her brain.  Right now, we aren’t sure if there has been any regression in the blood flow to the section affected by the previous head traumas she experienced, but none of us will know the extent of the damage unless she wakes up.”

It was the first time Shaw had actually said that there was a possibility Clarke wouldn’t wake up and Raven felt the world around her freeze.

Shaw didn’t know how to handle what all was going on between them and she really just needed to get off her feet.  Mumbling a quiet, “Excuse me,” she stepped around the braced girl and made her way out into the hallway. 

Raven stood where she was for a moment, trying to grasp what she had heard.  Clarke had been getting better.  Before everything went to shit and their lives were thrown for yet another spin, Clarke’s condition had been improving and she might have even been cured eventually.  That should have been such a great bit of information, but it seemed to be just Clarke’s luck that that could all be taken away.  It was put within Clarke’s grasp only to be ripped away in such a violent way.

Shaking herself from her internal musings, Raven turned and ran out the door as well, hoping to catch up to Clarke’s doctor.  The woman seemed to have disappeared, however, and the brunette sighed in disappointment.

“She’s quite a character, isn’t she?”

Raven nearly jumped out of her skin, not expecting anyone to be so close to her.  The voice whispered practically in her ear and Raven spun around with her hand up in a fist, ready to punch whoever she needed to.

Root watched the small brunette jump, the smile on her face not faltering at all.  She could see that she had obviously frightened the younger girl, but she also knew that the startled brunette would be just fine.

Brown eyes leveled at Root with a glare.

“Shouldn’t you try to, I don’t know, _not_ give people heart attacks.  That's kind of counter-productive for a nurse, isn't it?”

Root just smiled.  From this close, Raven could see a lot more of her face than she had seen before.  She had a tiny button nose that just immediately made her look adorable, but there was something about her eyes that told Raven the nurse could put her six feet under in a heartbeat.  There was a hardness buried deep within, shrouded in a history that seemed as dark as her hair. 

Her hair, as well, easily caught Raven’s attention.  It was a burnt auburn color, curled in perfect waves.  The nurse had pulled her hair up, but some chunks hadn’t made it into the hairband.  They framed her face in a way that made her cast a shadow across one part, adding to the air of mystery that she had about her, and they bounced as she walked in a way that emphasized her terrifying cuteness. 

Raven realized that she was practically ogling the nurse’s face.  It also seemed as though the extremely tall brunette wouldn’t be saying anything more, so she turned and made as if she was going to walk away.

A voice stopped her before she took her first step.

“Dr. Griffin is in good hands, Raven.  Sameen will make sure she’s okay.”

Raven watched Root’s face, studying her.  She didn’t think there was anything that would make her feel less intimidated by the tall nurse, and the way she seemed to be speaking directly to Raven’s soul just added to the power Root seemed to carry with her everywhere.

Trying to pull herself out of whatever spell the older woman seemed to have placed over her, Raven shook her head.

“How does that work, by the way?  Dr. Shaw’s whole ‘no emotions’ thing.  How is she able to be a doctor if she doesn’t care?”

Root smiled.  “It’s not that she doesn’t have any emotions.  Her brain just doesn’t process and express them.  She’s not the scary kind of sociopath that’s also a psychopath and goes around killing people for the hell of it.  Really she just lacks empathy and…isn’t really the best at interacting with people.”

“Then how the hell did she become ‘friends’ with Clarke?”

“Cognitive dissonance.”

Raven waited, expecting some sort of clarification.  When she realized that she wasn’t going to get any, the mechanic huffed and bit out, “And what the hell does that mean?”

Root met Raven’s gaze with a sad smile this time.  “Both Dr. Shaw and Dr. Griffin have a preconceived idea of who they are.  They think that they’ve figured themselves out and that they’ve settled themselves in their own minds.  They get flustered when something happens that makes them question what they’ve concluded. 

“They bonded over their mutual misunderstanding of who they are.  Shaw was shocked by the fact that she actually liked Clarke and cared about what happened to her.  Their first conversation was about how Sameen would have hated her in any other situation.  Clarke thinks that she doesn’t deserve to have people care about her and that’s part of what drew her to Shaw. She doesn’t have to worry about emotional entanglements and that’s all Clarke thinks she needs.”

Raven just looked at her.  “How do you know all this?”

“I know just about everything that goes on in this hospital, Ms. Reyes.  If you watch closely enough, you get to learn the people around you and understand their patterns.  It’s a very lonely life.”

It was a new view of the mysterious brunette.  That air of power that Root carried about her seemed to be well-deserved, but Raven was realizing how much of a sacrifice it called for.  Not that she was any stranger to isolation, but Root seemed to have taken it to a whole new level.

A question crossed her mind once again and she had to ask.  “Is Clarke okay here?  Does she have any other friends?”

Root could see the genuine concern and warmth in Raven’s eyes, and she could hear the pain in her voice. 

“Dr. Griffin is not fond of making friends.  Like I said earlier, she’s not big on getting close to people.  She doesn’t really talk to others, and she doesn’t spend much effort trying to connect to them.  In a way, I think Clarke wanted to be like Shaw without having to deal with emotions.  She’ll deny it until her last breaths, but Clarke really does feel a lot.”

They stood there for a moment, looking at each other and trying to figure out where to go from there.  Raven noticed someone walking towards Clarke’s room. 

She was brought back to Root when the nurse started speaking again.

Brown eyes were completely glazed over, looking off into the distance over Raven’s shoulder.  “We’re all flawed and we’re all broken. In a way, we’re all really just bad code. As an engineer, you must understand that the only thing we can ever do in life is our best.”  Root’s eyes shot over to meet Raven’s in that moment, and they were so sharp that Raven could feel them piercing her soul once again.  “I told Sameen once that she’s like an arrow, and she’s constantly proving me right.  She’s straightforward, focused on a single point and hell-bent on getting there no matter what she has to tear through.  She thinks that it makes her broken as a person, but it really just makes her that much stronger.

“Clarke is a lot more like Sameen than she realizes.  She’s sharp and she’s controlled.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Clarke lose herself to her emotions no matter how much she might deserve to. She has that same power that Shaw has and she just needs someone to help her push that out.  She had a way of getting under your skin, just like an arrow, and hooking in there and refusing to leave.”

Both brunettes smiled sadly at that.  There was no doubt that they would carry the imprint that Clarke left in their hearts for the rest of their days.  No matter what happened in the next few days, Clarke would be with them forever.

Before either one of them could say another thing, Raven heard someone call Root’s name.  She turned her head in time to see Dr. Shaw walking up to them, face as stoic as ever.  She came and stood right next to the taller brunette, turning to eye Raven inquisitively.

Root offered Raven a small smile before turning to the doctor.

“How’s it going, sweetie?”

Raven mentally slapped herself. Of course the power brunettes were a couple. It made perfect sense and she was embarrassed to have missed it.  She blamed exhaustion.

Shaw rolled her eyes and glared at Root.  Despite the flutter in her gut every time Root called her a pet name, she refused to openly react in the middle of the hospital. “Are we going to do our jobs or are you just going to stand around chatting all day?”

The nurse winked, “I have a very important job I can be doing right now, but we might want to get home before that.”

Raven couldn’t stop a laugh from bubbling out but quickly covered her mouth when Shaw leveled her with a glare. The doctor rolled her eyes once more and grabbed Root by her shoulder, dragging her off down the hallway.

Root turned as she was being led away and tossed over her shoulder, “Bye Raven!”

Raven shook her head, watching the two women walk away from her.  She could honestly say that she had never met a duo quite like them before.

At that moment, someone walked up behind her and, for the second time in 20 minutes, Raven was scared shitless.    

Lexa chuckled slightly at the look of fear on Raven’s face that was quickly replaced with irritation.

“Honestly what the fuck is with people in this hospital giving me a heart attach god damn.”

There seemed to be a story there, and Lexa decided it might be safer to just move on.

Raven was slightly confused seeing Lexa was out of the room and not sitting by Clarke’s bed like she had been since they got there.  The only comfort that Raven still had was that if something was going wrong with Clarke, Lexa would not be laughing with her. 

Lexa seemed to recognize the look on Raven’s face.  “Octavia wanted to talk to Clarke for a moment. She looked miserable.”

Raven was quickly brought back to her current reality.  She remembered her best friend was about to lose her brother and that they were all on the verge of losing another member of their little family. 

There seemed to be a perpetual look of devastation on Lexa’s face.  Raven was seeing the same face that Lexa wore when they first met, when those green eyes were dull and lifeless, empty without the person that used to put the light in them.  The younger brunette had a feeling that, if anything were to happen to Clarke, they would be left with that shell of a Lexa that they now knew.

Raven put her arm around Lexa’s shoulders, telling her about this cool food place she found and attempted to help bring at least some comfort to the lawyer.

* * *

 While Raven and Lexa had gone out to get some food, Octavia was sitting next to Clarke’s bed and trying to keep her food down.  The blonde was laying there so small and broken, a stark contrast to the strong girl that Octavia hadn’t realized became such a big part of her life. 

The first time the young brunette ever saw the blonde in front of her, they were in class and Octavia had never been so intimidated by another student.  Clarke was so strong and so smart and everything Octavia wanted to be.  She carried herself with a class that Octavia had never seen in someone their age and Octavia really wanted to talk to her but she had no idea how to approach somebody like Clarke. 

In that moment, however, knowing everything she knew about Clarke and what she had been through, Octavia felt her reverence increase exponentially.  She didn’t need a degree in psychology to know that Clarke’s mannerisms were a form of self preservation in order to survive every day.

Getting to know the blonde more and more over the last few months, Octavia had come to realize that she really was beyond precious.  Clarke was one of the most pure personalities she had ever come across and Octavia wanted nothing more than to be able to protect her from all of the evil around them. Knowing Clarke, of course, she didn’t need anyone’s help or protection, but that didn’t stop Octavia from wanting to give it to her.

Sitting in the vacant seat next to Clarke’s bed, Octavia gently brushed the hair back on Clarke’s head. Looking at the quietly broken face of the girl who had inspired her to actually go for her dreams, Octavia couldn’t stop the tears from building in her eyes and gently falling over the precipice of her eyelids.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” It came out in a sob, and Octavia couldn’t hold it back if she wanted to. “You didn’t deserve this.  You deserve everything good and beautiful and happy in the world, not this shit that you’ve been given.  God, my own brother…” Octavia trailed off lightly, looking down at her hands and trying to figure out where she went wrong.

Octavia never would have believed that Bellamy could do something like this.  When they were younger, he always said that he wanted to help people. He wanted to right the wrongs that he had seen being done to those around them.  He had become a monster, though, and Octavia didn’t even recognize him anymore.

She had seen him in the police station. He was being held in jail until anything further could be decided about his case, and Octavia couldn’t help but feel a throb of pain for the brother that she had already lost.  Seeing him in that cell, broken and bleary-eyed, Octavia knew that Bellamy would never come back from something like this. And when he started speaking, she knew that she had lost her brother forever.

The broken, brunet man had immediately started defending himself, talking about how Clarke was evil and was going to ruin everything for them. He talked about how he was just trying to protect Octavia, because she was his sister and his responsibility. He claimed to know all about what “ _people like that”_ do to others – he had seen it done to his own mother and what she turned into – and he just wanted that away from his baby sister and her friends. 

Octavia saw the way he had been so stuck in his own head, not hearing a word of reason or understanding that she was trying to get across to him. 

She had turned around and walked away from him as he was talking about breaking Clarke, unable to keep the tears from streaming down her face.  The young brunette ignored the way her brother called out to her, begging for her to understand that he only did what he did to protect her.

One thing everyone knew about Octavia was that she knew her sense of right and wrong and, no matter what Bellamy said, what he did was _wrong_.  She had told him months ago that if he went after her family she would cut him out of her life.  She never imagined that it would be in such a way, though, and she wasn’t prepared for how much it would _hurt._

Indra would always be proud of the way she had handled herself in that moment.  Despite the tears streaming down her face and the choked sobs she was obviously trying and failing to hold back, Octavia carried her head high and shoulders back as she walked away from her last blood relative.  Of course, making it out of the jail-house, Octavia immediately fell apart in the darker woman’s arms. But nothing would ever diminish the strength that Octavia had within her.

In the hospital, however, sitting next to Clarke’s bed and seeing all of the ways the blonde had been broken by people in her life, Octavia wasn’t having any trouble hating her brother.  Bellamy had broken in ways that she wasn’t sure were fixable. By all intents and purposes, Clarke should have been broken beyond repair years ago.  The doctor had a power in her that, obviously, would overcome whatever was thrown at her.   

There was guilt burning deep within her, as well, and she couldn’t stop it from bubbling up with her tears. Everything that Bellamy had done to Clarke, he had done for Octavia. He claimed that he had just been trying to protect Octavia and, whether or not Octavia truly believed the excuse, it was enough to send a dagger straight into her core.  The mere thought that she had any hand in what had been done to the broken woman in front of her was something that she couldn’t handle.

As she looked down at the blonde, Octavia could feel the pain in her bones. She knew that they would all have to do everything they possibly could to get Clarke back to where she deserved to be. 

Running a hand gently through dirty, blonde locks again, Octavia gasped when she saw a flicker on the comatose woman’s face.  Granted, it was just a flicker in her eyes, an indication that Clarke’s eyes were moving behind their eyelids and not that she was actually waking up, Octavia couldn’t help the rush of happiness that rang through her body.

It gave her a hope that she had seriously been lacking.  Hope that maybe Clarke would be okay after all.

* * *

 

Sameen walked into Clarke’s room at the end of her shift to find the stoic brunette sleeping in the chair in the corner of the room, resting a hand around the younger brunette’s shoulder.  She had learned that the little one, Octavia, was also a friend of Clarke’s and that her brother was one of the monsters that had been caught.

Lexa, the ever-present pissy brunette, had spent every free minute she possibly had in that very room and Sameen rolled her eyes. 

Ugh. Love.

She tried to stay quiet all the same, knowing that this was an exhausting situation for everyone.  Looking down at the blonde laying silently on the bed, the brown-eyed doctor couldn’t help but feel a twang somewhere in her chest. 

"You’re so lazy,” she said, continuing to talk to Clarke as though they were having an active conversation.  “It’s about damn time you wake up and get back to work.  Your girlfriend over there is getting on my nerves.”

“She’s not…my girlfriend.”

The choked words made Sameen’s head shoot up. Blue eyes were open and looking up at the doctor.

Sameen looked down at the girl in her bed and felt a weight lift off of her chest.  She had never felt relief quite like this in her life and a smile quickly crossed her face.          

“Well, bitch, took you long enough.”

“Beep. You failed…the bedside manners…test…today,” she said with a pained laugh. It was obvious to Sameen that Clarke was quickly getting exhausted by the conversation and that she most likely wouldn’t stay conscious for long. 

“Yea but my patient’s a real shit and her family is annoying as fuck so…”

“Suck it up, buttercup.”

And with that, Clarke slipped back into sleep.  Sameen was far more comfortable now, knowing that Clarke could wake up whenever her body was ready.

Lexa slowly uncurled herself from next to Octavia as Dr. Shaw walked out of the room.  She had no idea why the doctor spoke or acted the way she did, but the green-eyed brunette was far more pre-occupied with the revelation that Clarke had woken up. 

Walking to the other side of the hospital bed, Lexa knelt next to the blonde’s head.  She couldn’t help but hope that she would see blue eyes looking back at her, but the blonde stayed deep in her sleep.  Lexa couldn’t figure out why Clarke woke up for Dr. Asshole, but had to stop herself.  She no longer had any right to Clarke’s time. They weren’t together and Lexa was really just happy that Clarke had woken up. 

Clarke opened her eyes once again when she felt Lexa settle next to her and heard the brunette’s breathing even out.  She turned her head to the side slightly, feeling heavier that it had felt in quite some time.  Blue eyes fell on the head of wavy brunette hair at her side and Clarke felt something throb in her chest.  She had been aware at moments throughout her coma-like state and she knew that Lexa had barely left her side the whole time.  Sameen had been talking to her like normal every time she came in and Clarke was more than thankful that she was getting updates.

Lexa looked absolutely exhausted, but Clarke couldn’t stop herself from admiring the brunette’s beauty.  She would never be able to deny the fact that Lexa carried a large part of Clarke’s heart with her wherever she went, and the blonde knew that it was likely she would never get it back. 

In that moment of quasi-isolation, Clarke allowed herself to really appreciate what she had lost so many years ago.

The quiet opening of the door pulled blue eyes from the sleeping figure and Clarke turned to see Root standing in the doorway.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

Clarke rolled her eyes but didn’t stop the smile that formed on her lips.

“I guess it doesn’t take anything less than torture and a trip to hell to get the great Dr. Griffin to get some rest, huh?”

The young doctor had a full-on grin at that point and she might have even laughed if she could. 

Clarke and Root had a very special relationship that no one could really understand or explain.  They were friends in the sense that they talked about anything and everything completely candidly and without concern about censorship to the point that no one knew when they were being serious and when they were fabricating. 

“Tell Shaw…go home.”

Clarke had to work harder than she would have liked to get the words out, but it happened eventually.

“Now, Fawkesy, you know she won’t leave until she knows you’re okay.”

Clarke felt some of her defensiveness melt away at the nickname. Root decided one day that Clarke was like a phoenix, making her way through hell and burning in the deepest fires, only to emerge and grow stronger and stronger.  Of course, the nickname had to come from Fawkes, Dumbledore’s phoenix that saved Harry and Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets. 

She didn’t let the use of her nickname distract her, though.

“Don’t worry… ’m fine.”

“Why don’t you leave that decision with us? If it gets too tiring to worry about you, we’ll stop, okay?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, knowing that Root was essentially babying her but too tired to fight.  The action caused a sharp pain to stab through her skull, though, and blue eyes quickly clenched shut.

Sympathetically, Root stepped closer and said softly, “Why don’t you go back to sleep? We’ll talk when you make it back to the land of the living once more.”

Clarke nodded groggily, her head falling limp against the pillow and eyes closing softly.

Root looked down at the young girl in the bed.  Clarke was a character that walked through the walls of the hospital with an air of regality and control that automatically made everyone respect her.  In that moment, however, the blonde doctor looked smaller than Root had ever seen her. 

It really hit the nurse then just how young Clarke actually was.  She always acted so well-adjusted and completely in control that it was easy to sometimes forget that she was really just a kid still.

Root leaned down and reached a hand out, gently pushing some hair back from Clarke’s face and appreciating the peaceful look she saw there. She carefully pressed a kiss to the younger girl’s forehead, hoping that it would provide her with some kind of comfort.

Seeing Clarke laying in that bed, the woman she loved curled up next to her, Root saw that maybe things were going to start getting better for the young blonde.  A smile crossed the nurse’s face and she closed the door softly behind her, not wanting to disturb the new peace that had made its way into Clarke’s room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you that still like Bellamy, I tried not to disrespect his character too much. However, I will stand by the fact that I see no good left in him and any attempts he makes at redemption would be halfassed and bullshit (though that may be my personal hangups regarding a certain new fic that's popped up). 
> 
> The next chapter will have Clarke going home and things moving forward from here. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and leaving comments/kudos. I know I haven't been responding to the comments on the last few chapters and I'm so sorry for that. I'll try to get back on that.


	20. Author's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry

I never wanted to post a chapter like this, and I'm so completely sorry I can't even say. I never expected this story to get so long and I don't think I was prepared for it and that's my fault and I'm sorry for not updating it. Among other things, I was hit with a really bad bout of depression recently and sometimes it's just hard to get myself out of bed and to school, let alone sit at my computer and write. And then I almost needed to have emergency surgery which I managed to push off until next week and it's just been really crazy. Which, I know none of this is an excuse and I'm really sorry for leaving you all hanging like this, but I don't want to just abandon this fic like I did.

I have to admit that I don't know if I'm going to be continuing it. I know that's not fair and I do apologize. If you're interested, I can post the outline that I have for the rest of the story? I might get back to writing the whole thing eventually, but I can't guarantee it and I feel guilty making you all wait for an update.  

Again, I am so sorry for how I left this story. 


End file.
